Well, so far she seems determined to leave me, although we've decided to stay together in the same home and continue acting as "partners" in our financial and family raising. I realize that many of you will have a problem with that, but given that I am trying to Plan A, I am taking anything she gives me and trying to make the best of it...
My question lies in what I should give HER. I've read alot about love busters, and she filled out her ENQ for me, and I've been doing my best to meet her ENs, but she's informed me verbally that she doesnt even want me to try to meet her ENs, that she will pretty much reject any attempts I make at getting closer to me. She tells me she's afraid to open up to me because every time in the past, she's ended up being hurt in some way. I think she's developed a super-sensitivity to anything I do wrong, and she's also resistant to anything I do right... basically she has told me that anything I do for her that's nice now just makes her feel like I'm trying to bribe her to stay, and she'll be hurt again. She is staying, giving me a chance, which is huge to me, but i don't want to blow it.
Any suggestions on how I should approach someone who is afraid or currently unwilling to accept my attempts at meeting ENs? I have done a LOT to eliminate love busters, too.. but she's also on high alert for any sign that past neglect will suddenly return. How can I reassure her that I've changed, and am continuing to change, without her feeling like I'm trying to somehow bribe my way back into her heart? I am giving her emotional availability and being very considerate and careful with her, even though I'm still convinced that she's still having sex with OM. but she remains distant and resistant, condemning every mistake as THE END, and dismissing every attempt to improve as some sort of bribe
Ok, your turn
thanks a lot
CT

approach obliquely

can you explain that? I dont mean to sound dense, but I don't know quite what you mean

it means sideways ... or from an angle

NOT head on

NOT obvious

now do you understand?

Bring home dinner without being asked

shop for things for the house without being asked

wash her car without being asked

call her mother just to talk ... without being asked

indirect meeting ENs

kind of... you mean do so in a way that is indirect so it benefits her but she wont have to acknowledge that I am the one who did it for her or something?
can you give me examples please?

do things that will make her life run more smoothly .... like car maintenance or fixing dinner

do things that are pleasing .... like buy her a book she's wanted or something simple ... like one rose

tell her she looks nice in a particular color

admire her shoes

put cash in her wallet

pay her bills

CT,

I may have mentioned this before, but I think you would really benefit from a coaching session with Steve Harley.

He answers this question beautifully! I think he'll be able to help you make a plan and implement it as well.

CSue ... perfect!

this guy needs a guiding hand.

I am following this thread closely. I too have thought about ways to do things that my WW would appreciate when she comes in to take care of the pets when I am not home. I actually thought about leaving her a dinner plate fixed in the fridge with some of her favorite things that I cook. I would love to hear other ideas about this oblique approach. I have to admit, the tactic has me thinking. I am not one of those guys that this stuff comes to naturally.


"you gotta have a good imagination,
if you are gonna live a life of hope."
Jack Ingram

Pep....I like the suggestions they all sound great, but if Card's WW is anything like my WH nothing seems to break though the ice. No matter how hard I try or how subtle I am, my WH just sighs a big sigh as if to say "Not something nice again!!!" I am sure it is his guilt eating at him.

Cardiac you should realize that many WS's do this kind of thing. They don't trust the BS's intentions and anything good we give them makes them feel guilty. It is easier for them to not like us if we are mean and spiteful. They don't want to like us....they need an excuse as to why they are turning their backs on us for someone else.

Just be careful that you don't become resentful that she isn't thankful for the things you do for her. You may never get a thank you...just know that.

I get thank yous, she's still very courteous to me in that respect, we hold all the social formalities. Thank you all for your advice, I will keep doing things like I've been doing... keeping the house clean, watching the kids so she can have some free time to work or relax, working to improve our house so we have a nice place to be when we're home together, etc. I gas up her car and things like that... in fact, I finally did the dang brakes on our car.
I'm horribly hurt and feel the pull of depression and stagnation but I refuse to give in to those things because they dont contribute to my goal, which is eventually returning to a loving relationship with my wife.
I'll keep on keeping on, and hope she can see that I'm not trying to buy her... I don't expect anything but rejection, but I HOPE for so much more.
Thanks all.