My story is in JFO under 'The best friend does it again'. I have been on a roller coaster for 13 weeks now. My wife will still not talk about what has happened. She is quite happy talking about anything else. It would appear she does not want to face up to what she has done.

I am not sure if she is in contact with him. I have been lied to so many times that it is impossible to know. How do I get her to move out? She was on her way but without OM support she did not. Now she just refuses to move. She will not talk to me about me moving out. She will not be able to stay in the house if I move out. At the end of the day I would not leave her destitute but it will be very difficult financially to run 2 homes.

Has anyone got some advice on the kids. They do not want to go to a cousellor. I have spoken to the counsellor at school who has had a word with them. As far as I know they believe we are trying as that is what my wife told them. She subsequently continued contact and lies. Do I tell them the truth?

Thanks again for any replies!

Rho

Rho, yes, they need to know the truth. They are old enough to understand it and it is likely they already suspect it anyway. They can deal with the truth, but it will be harder for them to deal with cover ups.

What things are you doing to break up this affair and ensure they are not in contact? How could you find out if they were in contact? How do they communicate?

ML,

Thanks for the quick reply. My daughters are 13 and 15. OM told WW 3 weeks ago that he is staying with his wife. She was devastated and it is the only time she softened. Told me he was everything I had said he was. But I think she is still hoping that he may change his mind.

I do not know if they are in contact. My WW just wants to act normal, but will not give me any commitment that she wants to try. I tried to talk to her last weekend about me moving out. We need to discuss the options. She just starts screaming at me and goes into a state of hysteria. % mins. later she will talk normally about anything else. I tried 4 times last WE. Have not said anything since. We have a MC appt this thursday. She is not happy to go but will.

I just want my girls to know the truth. She fights with them a lot and I have to calm things down.

I just wish I could talk to her.

Rho.

Your wife is still in the fog. WS love to pretend nothing has happened. And they want to talk about anything that is not relationship related. Maybe someday she'll start to talk to you again.

Have you done any exposure to OM's W?

Tell your girls age-appropriate truths. You don't have to say "Mom has a f*** buddy." You can say you are having problems with your marriage and the inappropriateness of having more than one relationship at once. You don't have to be gritty or go into the dirt. But you can show your daughters certain things. Positive things would be that marriages can be rocky and both parties need to work at it. Affairs happen but you don't have to accept it. You can set your boundaries and not be a doormat. You can show them that a marriage can have problem and emerge from it stronger. You can show them grace under pressure. Or you can show them ballistics, anger and lots of fighting.

Personally, if you can handle it, try to resolute it without one of you moving out. Try Plan A for a bit.

Rho, you don't even want to move out. First off, you must be there to save your marriage and secondly, many courts view it as abandonment. I think you have better options.

It really is important to find out if they are in contact. If you have to tap your phone, put spyware on your computer, you need to know. I suspect you are right that she is holding out hope he will leave. You need to know if they are in contact so you can bust her to his W. If they are in contact, you must take action to bust it up.

If she truly is not in contact, you have a chance because she will start to withdraw. As she starts to withdraw from him, she will draw TO YOU as long as you don't push her away with lovebusters.

I would stop talking about splitting up. Stop talking about your marriage; no relationship talk for now. Work on 2 things now: 1) making sure they are split up and b) enduring her withdrawal with no lovebusters.

While she is in withdrawal, I would work on meeting her needs the best you can and attracting her back to you. As she comes out of the fog, she will need someone to come to. Let that be you.


In the meantime, run to the bookstore and get Surviving an Affair by Willard Harley.

GG,

My kids already know about the affair. After we told them about it WW was going to move out. I had a meeting with WW, OM and OMW. We used to be best friends. OM lied his way thru but had told WW that he was going to. WW decided to stay and try after I said she either moves out or has NC and we go to MC. She chose to saty and told the girls we were trying. I found out that this was all lies and they were still in contact.

This is what I want to tell the girls.

I am not sure if OM and WW are still in contact. I do not want us to split but it is hard to pretend all is OK. We still sleep in the same bed and have done thru out but there is no affection at all from her.

Thanks for the response. It helps a lot.

Rho. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Don't pretend all is ok. No one is telling you that. I am tellng you to FIND OUT if they are in contact.

I wouldn't give the girls a blow by blow. As long as they know about the affair, and have been told that affairs are WRONG and immoral, that is enough.

All the lies get to you.

One of the things I've told my kids is that when somebody lies to you, it makes it really hard to believe anything they ever say again. That's one of the long term consequences.

((((((((((((R)))))))))))))))

ML,

Thanks. I will try to meet her needs. I do for the most part. I am as nice as I can be. It is just hard when I lie awake all night thinking about us and I am sure she lies awake thinking about him.

She can contact him without me knowing from work. OM wife and I have stopped contact. She was finding it hard to face the facts. OM was lying to her and my WW. All out friends cannot understand why she did this. Her best friend is unable to get thru to her.

WW lost her twin 18 months ago and this devastated her. I was as helpful as I could be and she admits that she would not have coped without my support. But then she does this. It is hard to understand.

Rho

How is she contacting him? On your phone? On a cell phone? how?

ML,

She has her own cell. I am not sure they are in contact. I am unable to trust her. She has Wednesday off and can call from work anytime.

Her attitude is that she does not live in a prison and she is not going to tell me her every move. The only way I find out is when I catch her out in conversation.

Rho.

rhodie, you also start doing some much needed snooping to see what is going on in your own life. I am not suggesting you ask her, she would just lie. For example, if she is calling him on her cell, then go online and access her call log. If she is calling from home, then put a tap on the phone. If you think she is meeting him, then hire a P.I.

It is important for you to find out if contact has ended so you can know how to proceed. And if she is in contact, you would want to put pressure on the affair to end. If the affair has ended, then we can help you put the pieces together. You must find out what the truth is, rhodie, in order to protect yourself and move forward.

ML,

I will do some serious snooping. It may even be that he has said he will decide after 3 months. Last week she said she just wants to act normal for 2 months and then I should take a 2 week holiday to go see my father and we will decide after that. She keeps wanting me to take a break and go away for a few weeks. I am not ready for that.

Rho

I wouldn't leave either. I would stay there and keep your eyes peeled. I bet they are still in contact and that is what you need to find out. Don't accuse her without evidence, though, because that will work against you - they will go darker.

Do they communicate via email or chat?

ML,

They have only had email contact at work. The reason I know this is because he had sent her a lot of emails at work. She had them in her drawer at work and posted them back to him when he dumped her.

This is the problem I have. I have no way of doing anything about contact at work.

Well, you can at least get her cell phone bill online. Do you know how to do that? Do you think she emails him from home? Does she have a work laptop that she ever brings home?

ML,

I am in the computer software industry so I have tabs on everything she does at home so she would not risk it. She is not that computer literate. She does not do any emailing from home. I have checked that. I am not in the US. We do not have access to billing on line. Privacy laws here are very strict.

I will keep checking where I can. Thanks for the tips.

Rho