I agree with both of the above... morals and values are supposed to be such that they are not altered in times of trouble...

I have to tell you that if you go through with this I predict heartbreak on the horizon... and without IC and MC the M will probably dissolve anyway and then you are both left with no M and an abortion on your conscience! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

YOU are ALL in my prayers!

I don't think it is right to demand her to have an abortion. When it comes down to it, it IS her body and her choice if she wants this baby or not. It his not his choice or yours to make.

As for your marriage and her cheating on you so early in it, WOW! I would say there is something terribly wrong here. I can't imagine the confusion you are feeling being married such a short time. You have just started out and already the trust has been broken. IMO, I would get out while you can. But only you know if you are capable of forgiving her.

My thoughts are with you!

Maggie

Roughstart how exactly does one get fired from the job of being your wife? Is it possible? Does she have to kill you or maim you, or if she maims you does it have to be on repeated occasions? Not a year into your marriage and she's ******* someone else, and people here are having vexations over whether she will resent you if you require an abortion. Yeah, as if she has high regard for you currently, which might really descend if you're not careful! Life is short, dump this one. Your marriage has not built up anywhere near the amount of "emotional equity" with which to bear a blow like this. Too bad dowries are out, it would be worth it for you to pay your current life savings for someone to take her off your hands, you are still young. Kick her out, unless of course being a martyr suits you -- there will no doubt be more of the same in the future if this is what happens during your honeymoon stage.

Oh, she already took the abortion deal I see. Doesn't matter. Withdraw it, it's no big deal to do, tell he she doesn't need to have the abortion now, this way she gets to keep her affair-trophy and if you're pro-life all is well. But see a lawyer, blood tests are needed (for both the support issue and the divorce).

Sheesh. This is not even a gray area.

RoughSTart,

To answer your first serious question "Am I being a blind fool?" The short answer is yes. I think I can back up that answer and in doing so perhaps offer you some things to think about and address.

You are being a blind fool because:

1. You are demanding her get an abortion to remain married.

2. You ignoring that she has had an affair and is pregnant by another man only 4 months after you married her.

3. You believe you control her decisions when in fact you only control your own.

4. You think this marriage has a chance when in fact it has NONE if she does not get counseling and IF OM is out of the picture.

I would like you to read an article by the man that started this site and is a world renowned expert on these things just click on the bookmark Dr. Harley's Letters

You will notice that he recommends that the marriage end if there are no other children and the WW and the OM want to remain in contact and raise the child. You mentioned he was married by I don't recall if he is now.

I would strongly urge you to withdraw your demand to have her get an abortion. Not because I believe some of the posts to you are correct. You have every right to make such a demand, but she has no obligation to listen to you. The reason I suggest you withdraw the demand is that it makes no difference. If she keeps the child or not, has little to do with the fact that she felt no obligation to your marriage and only 4 months into it she is pregnant by another man.

I don't even want to hear about how much you love her or that she is your "soulmate" you could take a dart and throw it at an open phone book and do it for a few thousand times and not find a woman that would do to you what she has done. Most women even ones that have affair have the decency to allow the H time to make a complete *** out of themselves before they have an affair. Your W never gave you a chance.

Given the shortness of the marriage, the fact that she is pregnant with OM's child, that you have no children I recommend that you end this marriage and allow the OM the priviledge (yes I am being sarcastic) of taking care of a new baby and a woman that has some serious issues. It won't last, but if it does the child is being reared by it's biological parents.

I won't get into the issue of abortion and such because there is in fact a double standard being applied here, but I will say, that after your divorce you may continue to be friends with your exW or not. You may find that she will seek counseling once she has faced the consequences of her choices. You may find that you both grow, learn, mature. You may find that you could actually be married to her and raise his child as you would any step child.

OR you will find many women out there with better judgement, better understanding of what marriage means, and that you would love and trust more.

Frankly, unless there were some serious counceling done, this marriage has no chance whether the child is there or not. In fact, even if the child were yours having a child so soon will harm the normal development of your marriage and relationship with your W. You will be changing diapers when you two should be learning how to live together, enjoy life together, and support one another. Children early in a marriage short circuit this development many cases.

So RoughStart, back off of the abortion issue. REad the Harley article I bookmarked and really think about this. I really think you should divorce (and I am very promarriage), but if you don't divorce the my list of demands would be somewhat different from yours and they would include no contact with OM, serious and long counseling for your W, and marriage counseling for the both of you.

Her having the baby is NOT your call and if you divorce her or sue the OM, you won't even be financially responsible for the child. So in that sense you don't have much to say about it. If you it were your biological child the 9 month gestation does NOT trump a lifetime of responsibility in my mind.

Lots to think about, but stop the demands, actually all of them. IT is really up to your W to convince you to remain in this marriage, but I would counsel you to move on and allow she and OM to raise the child.

Please think about this.

God Bless,

JL

<Most women even ones that have affairs have the decency to allow the H time to make a complete *** out of themselves before they have an affair. Your W never gave you a chance.>

Wow, JustLearning says in a few words what it took me a page to say poorly.

Roughstart, just to add a tiny thing -- if the thread that this is hanging on (your unwillingness to end this marriage) is your embarrassment re friends and family at ending a marriage so quickly, push yourself to do it, put some energy behind it. Now is the time, not six months later when ending the marriage "doesn't look so lame". Like Marcellus says in Pulp Fiction, "that's just Pride ******* with you, *** Pride". Get it done, end this thing, return the wedding gifts, do all the other things that are gut-wrenching to have to go through. Your real friends will support you, and you'll come out the other side I guarantee, and years from now you'll look on this as a crazy experience of a young man in love. Don't act now and you'll look back on a angry twisted life with an impossible woman. And yeah, I'm sure she's charming, but you'd see less and less of that as time went on anyway.

I don't know if I'm strong enough at 23 years old

I believe the key issue here is NO SF in a young couple where the H is ONLY 23 years old!!!!!!!!!!!!!! At that age most folks have SF with great regularity---------- what is going on in this marriage?

Why the lack of SF?????

First of all I do not think ANY ONE here tell you how you feel about your wife getting pregnant by another man. Obviously only you can decide you do not want another man's child concieved out of betryal. I personally would not have anything to do with the whole mess. Run to the nearest court house and get the marriage annulled.

Your wife gave you NO choice she got pregnant by another man. At least you gave her an option abortion or divorce. I would have given her the boot. She has no respect for you or your marriage, your feelings or anything else.

What do you think you should do.

TMW

At least you gave her an option abortion or divorce. I would have given her the boot. She has no respect for you or your marriage, your feelings or anything else.


That is fine and dandy, but if I was in my early 20s and a newlywed I would be having SF left and right. After 30 plus years of mariage I still love SF with great regularity. I think SF is important in a marriage. This business of SF on wedding night and nothing else is very strange in a young couple in their early 20s------ it makes no sense to me. Something is seriously wrong in this marriage.

Sorry to hear about your dilemna, but I would cut my losses. It is her right to keep the child. It is your right to leave regardless of whether she keeps it or not, although you probably think your marriage will work if she gets rid of it. Even if she does, she will be the same horrible person capable of doing this in the first place.

Don't let others guilt you into doing something you don't want to do or make you feel guilty for not wanting to stay in a marriage with a ******* child.

Revenge does not work either.

I stuck around for my kids sake and 7 years later I am still married to the same selfish, lying, self-absorbed, thoughless piece of **** that I thought would change. With 7 less years of my life to boot.

My wife's brother cut his losses with his selfish wife in spite of the kids and I envy him. He has the chance to find a real partner.

Roughstart -

Not too long ago I was in your W shoes, married and pregnant with another man's child (I know, I know, what you're thinking) and so say ahead of time that I am not for or against you getting a divorce because there are other issues your marriage has to deal with.

But here's my story. Like you, my H gave me the choice of abortion or divorce. I tried to convince him that was very selfish and that I would decide what happens. I told myself not to let anyone or anything influence my decision but that's exactly what happened. I knew how much pain I caused my H and the guilt I felt for all that suffering... I had to choose... keep H or kill Baby? I felt pressured and confused...remember, once a woman is pregnant, hormones kick in and emotions run wild (not quite the state to make such a demanding choice). Anyway, to make a long story short...I ended up aborting and now after the fact, I regret that quick-fix decision. Ultimately, for my wrong-doings, the baby paid the price and the pain and regret I feel is overwhelming; Research PASS (post-abortion stress syndrome). Because of this, my marriage is still on the rocks.

In your words, "she will hold this against me for a while" is an understatement so be prepared for what she may go through. She may say that she wants the abortion to work on the marriage, but if her heart says she wants the baby, tell her to keep it. Even if you've told her that there are alternatives, she may still feel pressured to go ahead with the procedure. I thought the same thing she did about not wanting this child to be a reminder of the A, being hated, etc. Show her your support, that's what many women faced with that decision wants. You may be suprised that you're a lot stronger than what you think.

I know there are other things to consider... married only 4 mths, no sex, not wanting counseling, still young, etc. Just keep in mind, marriages can be worked out but THIS baby can never come back once it's gone even if the marriage doesn't work out. Good luck.

I agree with Harry7. Cut your losses. I have been married for 7 years and I know I would leave if my W got pregnant from OM. It's hard enough just dealing with the affair, you know.I went through a similiar experience in a relationship before I got married. The girlfriend got pregnant and wanted me to raise it. No freaking way. I was your age at the time.
Reading harry7 post makes me think i may be making a mistake sticking it out after 7 years of marriage. I have no kids and my selfish ***** Wife doesn't want any all of a sudden., hmm i wonder why?? Of course she never bothered to tell me this she just screwed me over instead.
I wish this would have happened 4 months in. i am not trying to be insensitive ,but you are lucky you haven't wasted a lot of your life. Don't waste it on her bro.There is definetly someone better for you than her.At 23 years old you have plenty of options. Your family and friends will get over it in time and you will be much better for it.
Just reading your post makes me very angry and i don't even know her or you.
i can't be any clearer, GET OUT, GET OUT.

Don't hold the child responsible for your W's poor decision. They are blameless in this matter, and your inability to have some grace in the situation has you sinking to the level of your W and OM.

Be a mensch.

Divorce or annul or reconcile as you see fit, but put the fault where it lies and not on the innocent.

This is the most obsurd thing I have ever heard. The only way this makes sense to me is if she were to have the child and put it up for adoption. It would be a cold day in hell before I would wanna raise my cheating spouses other child. That is a disaster waiting to happen. This would mean the cheaters other person would always be in your lives. Oh....thats a great way to have no contact with the OP. {rolls eyes}

The thing that I'm most concerned about is that it sounds like the child is the price to be payed to get to marriage reconcile. I mean basically he is saying this, kill the child or you can't have me or have a shot at me. Pretty much is this, rough here is saying that the childs life is the price tag.

I don't like the fact that the child's life is a price tag to happiness. Fine if you don't want to raise the baby than give it up for adoption or divorce but don't make the child's life a price tage to happiness.

I have not posted before but I did want to ask you to maybe think a little longer on what you want.

I have 3 children and I would never raise my WW OM kid. I do not blame you for that but think hard to make sure you still want to be with this woman. I would never make my wife get an abortion.

She cheated on you and became pregnant within 4 months of marriage! You have not had sex since after the first night of your marriage? You are young I would rather see you cut your losses and get out while you can. I hate to break it to you but you should still be in the honeymoon phase and your life is only going to get worse with this woman.

It is up to you but remember you are young. I really hate to see a child killed like this but it is your decision. Again, I would give up my wife in a heartbeat rather than make her kill an unborn baby. I am divorcing my wife due to her infidelity but if she were also pregnant by the OM I would step aside and not kill the baby.

Regardless on what happens I hope everything turns out for the best. Nobody deserves this but this is what happens when people cheat, they destroy lives!

Roughstart,

I notice this thread has aged a bit, but its no wonder people keep posting because this is one of the most horrific situations imaginable.

Normally, I am terribly pro-marriage and I say do EVERYTHING to make it work, but I have to concede, your case is different. And listen to some of the wise owls here, because you will rememeber them down the line.

Let me give you a glimpse into the future:
if your wife aborts, this will NOT solve your problems with her. In fact you will still be bitter with what she did for years to come. But now, she will also be HORRIBLY bitter at what she will always say YOU made her do. If you marriage breaks up eventually (and odds are it will) she will hate the fact that she gave up this child for a ship that was already sinking.

Get help, or get out. But killing the baby will not help you now. What is done has already caused some pretty irreversible damage - aborting will only cause MORE irreversible damage.

If you do it, and you think you and her can work through this, you have no idea what you are up against. You're walking right into the gates of a nightmare, and thinking you can make it out of there.
My vote is you separate. Take some months if needed to process all that has happened, and to grow from this. IF after that there is any chance that you still want to be together, try from there. But at this point, your marriage is doomed - you can stay together against all odds, but you will NOT be happy. Rough start is a serious understatement.

Well she is deciding to go through with everything and asays she doesn't want it. We made an appointment for this saturday and I'm just praying and hoping that everything can get back to normal once all this is done. I know alot of you people are probably saying "they are killing an innocent kid". But as I said before, both of us want this relationship to work and I can't be the father to that kid or remain with my wife while she is pregnant with the OM kid. So please forgive me if this offends any of you. I would also like to thank everyone for sharing their comments and suggestions. It really has helped me get through all of this. You all are really awesome people and may God bless each and every one of you.

It doesn't offend me. Sadden, but not offend.

But what it does do is just scramble up the set of problems. There are consequences to abortion too, mental and relational. Abortion is treating the symptom, not the problem.

You are in denial if you think that somehow this abortion now clears the air. Because getting back to "normal" as you so desire, still seems to have some toxic areas, and the cycle or a similar one starts again.

Is there some reason the two of you can't go talk to some MC and see if there's
some way to reach some neutral ground?

And as to what you can or can't do, it's all choice, and it's all about character.

DTRT, instead of the easy thing.

roughstart: Your relationship is more important than a life?

That is so self serving! Why can't you allow the child to be born and given to a loving family?

You will have to live with this choice.

There are a lot of differences of opinion with regards to abortion. There are some that are opposed to it from the time an egg gets fertilized by a sperm cell, there are others who are for it even in the 3rd trimester and then there are many people who do not object to aborting the fetus during the first trimester but are steadfastly opposed to doing so after it becomes viable in the second semester. But be that as it may, a decision pro or against an abortion is something that you and her are going to have to live with for the rest of your lives, and for the marriage's sake, without recriminations towards one another. Is this highly likely in your situation?

TMCM