You are trying to force her to make a decision. You must make the decision. Do you want to stay with someone who had unprotected sex with another man very close to your wedding? Keep the baby, don't keep the baby: that is her choice. Let her make that choice. Stay married despite her actions? that is your choice. Many are telling you that you should cut your losses and run since you have little invested in this marriage and things will not get any better. I tend to agree with them.

Like others said, you coercing her into actions she doesn't want to take will only lead her to a lifetime of resentment.

This illustrates the difference between ultimatums and boundaries.
Ultimatum: Get rid of the baby or lose me
Boundary: I will not stay in a marriage where I will raise another man's child born during my marriage.

You know, trutfully I think in the end, you and your wayward wife will need the most of God's blessings. Your live's will be forever changed, and the "normal" you hope will come after the murder will forever forsake you.

You need the Lord's blessings more than anyone here.

Sour.....

Very well said, lemonman ! I hope RoughStart is listening!

well it's been about 2 weeks since the surgery. She has been doing much better than at first. We still fight a little but I guess that is understandable considering all that is happening. We are definitely starting to heal, but how do I trust her after what she has done. I want to but in the back of my mind I'm thinking is she still talking to him? All the things a BH would still be asking. I have access to all of her accounts: Emails, phone records, etc. She caught me looking at her email and locked her user account on her computer. She said she has a right to privacy and that I'm invading it. I said that she has no right to privacy since she cheated on me. But does the fact that she came clean with everything and I didn't have to ask or I didn't find out about the affair on my own show any sign of her being sorry and telling the truth? I don't think she has anything to hide, but when she locked her computer I became a little suspicious. I found out the password after a little trying. She still doesn't know I know all of this. And I haven't found any evidence that indicates she is still in contact with him. She says that if I keep bringing the affair up and keep asking questions that I'm only going to push her further away. It's been a little over a month, am I dwelling on this to long and should I stop with the questions? I'm very tempted to contact the base commander of his base and tell the commander about his affair with my wife and that he committed adultery. Should I still do this? I know he will get fried because he's enlisted and I'm a highly ranked government civilian. I'm confused, because my wife doesn't want me to due that and says she will deny the affair. Is she taking his side and trying to protect him? They've only knew each other for about a week or two when the had sex. She says she liked talking to him and he was nice and supportive of anything she wanted to due. Anyone got anymore advice? I know you all probably think I'm a horrible person for having her go through with the abortion, but I know it was a mistake but I was at my wits end with any other directions to turn. Still in recovery, but I think everything is going to work out.

I'm in the military....he won't get fired but major heat will be on him if his Commander hears about it. You almost half to go to that level in the military. A person I work with had his STBXW threaten to call the Chief of Staff(a General) when she talked to the first Sgt about him. The first Sgt had to inform the General so he wouldn't get blind-sided. Now he feels heat he has never felt before and he knows he is being watched. And every level of supervisor above him is watching also.
Unfortunately for me when my wife cheated she did so with a civilian.

It sounds to me that she has placed her relationship with her lover over you. She says she would deny the affair in order to protect him. What a slap in the face to you. I would contact the commander anyway. It sounds to me that she is with you because she cannot have him. Her actions indicate that her number one priority is protecting him over you.

Hi,

Have you and your wife started marriage counseling yet? You really need to do this. There has been tremendous damage to your marriage, and you two are still newly weds. You two need to develop healthy ways to communicate, to draw together as husband and wife. There is so much you need to learn. The good people here can offer you some advice, but that is not a substitution for therapy.

You should still have you and your wife checked for STDs and other health issues (like depression).

Abortion is a legal option in the US. It might not be much longer though. . . All because it is legal doesn't mean it isn't traumatic. Your wife is going to a mess about this for quite some time. She really needs to see someone (Dr.) to help deal with this.

I emphatically think that it will probably be beyond you two to recover from all this damage without outside professional help. You might think it is marriage counseling is expensive; it costs a lot less than a divorce.

Ok just a quick update.

She seems to be more distant from me, well closer than before the A, but I have to beg for a hug or kiss from her and I know that sex is out of the question for now. How long should I stand through this? Is this her withdrawing from the A that only lasted 2 weeks or a month? Also I've been reading how I should expose this to her family, the A that is, and the rest of her friends and co-workers. Is this a good idea? It's telling me to expose it so that the "Secrecy of the A" is not there nomore, and hence making it not exciting for the WS and the OP. I know that this move could lead to worse things, like maybe divorce or her leaving. I so confused, I want to tell her parents about what she has done but I don't know how they and her will react. Please HELP.

RS,

If there is no contact, I would guess she is in withdrawal and she is facing the consequences of her medical decision. She is very vulnerable right now, and probably a bit depressed. I would strongly encourage you to encourage her to see physican about anti-D's. She will be on a roller coaster of emotions right now, and I would strongly urge you to buckle up and do your best to show her she has made a decision she will not regret (or have a little regret as possible with regards to the child).

RS, this is your OPPORTUNITY to shine, so knock off the questions about the affair, keep your eyes and ears open and GIVE this woman all of the love and attention you can. She needs your help right now. SHe made a very bad decision which has forced to MAJOR decisions on her. She did decide for you and the marriage, and she did decide to not carry OM's child. Support her like you never have before...she is hurting, she is confused, she is hoping like heck she made the right decision. Show her she did.

This is your OPPORTUNITY to be a hero my friend...are you up for it? I hope so.

God Bless,

JL

First of all, THE OC SHOULD NOT SUFFER B/C YOUR W WAS UNABLE TO THINK CLEARLY AND GOT PREGGERS.

My xh got his OW preggers. That child is precious. I do not hate nor do I think or wish she had an abortion. I see that child laughing and giggling alot. I see her walk up and hug my little boy.

It is the ACTIONS AND DEEDS OF GROWN UPS THAT MAKE ME WANT TO PUKE!!!

How dare you call yourself a man who holds faith dear and wish your W to have an abortion.

She's under the adultery fog. She acted stupidly. Either she or the OM should have thought this through if they were to hop into the sack together knowing she was married.

I despise the actions of my xh. He's one of the worst WS here period. But I love all children. Love and time and caring can make an OC a loveable little one. I ought to know. For first time, I held the oc...her own mom, the former ow, was in the islands reacting to my xh who is (like this is any surprise) cheating on her.

Despite fact my xh named this little one the name I picked out for my child had it been a girl, I saw nothing but a littel baby girl who wanted a caring mommy like woman to hold her. This sweet baby walked up to me, and put her arms up, and made a face like she wanted me to hold her. I did. She is most likely sad b/c her dad is a WS. Her mom, my x's OW, was gone...at a resort in the bahamas getting over fact my xh was cheating on her.

But this baby is not a mistake. No. If I do not remarry, I will most likely adopt a child in my early 40's if not given the chance to have yet one more. There are tons of beautiful, loving, little blessings out there who are stretching out their arms for a parent to pick them up.

I pray for my xh's oc daily. She is beautiful. My little boy, her half brother, is taught to love his sister by me. Last week, he got a happy meal and found inside a "little people" toy from fischer price. He asked me if he could give this to his sister b/c she likes little people toys. I said sure...we went out and got a few little people toys and he gave them to her.

Get this right. Your W was wrong. She did NOT think nor did she put her marriage as paramount. She did something stupid and was selfish and should have either taken the pill or demanded he wear a condom or BOTH!!! IF SHE WAS GOING TO BE A WS...

But she didn't.

And you're stuck with either staying w/a pregnant wife or getting a divorce. Or talking your W into murder b/c you rewrote history as she did...I am talking the 10 commandments here..

This is NOT about the OC. It is about your W and YOU. If you are a real man, you can love a baby. Cowards drive people to abortion clinics. If you want the OM outta your lives, directly deal with him via an attorney and give him the chance for a legal out. Let him know you and your W are a family and that you're going to give this child a real home.

If you have faith, you have cajones. Show us what your'e really made of.

I need help and answers on this one quickly. My wife just called and wants to go out with her friends, which I know who they are but I don't want her to go out without me. I asked her if I could go and she said she doesn't want me to go because I'm not fun. She wants to go out with her girlfriends (one of which I know has cheated on her long time BF who she has a kid too). I don't think she should be going out by herself to a restaurant/bar so soon after D-day. D day was on June 26th, am I being to controlling? I just don't think I can trust her.

Also this is the biggest dilema I am facing right now and that is exposure. Should I call her folks and let them know what she has done and how she is willing to go out with these friends and not stay at home?

I am worried that she is willing to go out with her friends but leave me here in the house without having given me any SF in 5 monthes. I know the last 2 monthes have been rough with her getting an abortion and D day having taken place, but should I be willing to let her go out with her friends when my needs are still not getting fulfilled? I've been filling her needs but she has still been neglecting mine. I think she should be staying at home with me or at least allowing me to go out with her to until mine and her needs are getting fulfilled.

Someone please help me with this, it's driving me crazy. Should I expose they A even with the events that have taken place and since I guess we are in the recovery stage?

You really need to calm down and realize that this is a real baby. Part of your wife. I have never cheated on my husband but he has cheated on me so I know the pain you are going through. If you force her to get an abortion your marriage will never work she will always resent you and the anger and bitterness will grow and grow. You have only been married four months - if she is already cheating there is something wrong. You really need to put more emphasis on your marriage and less on aborting an innocent child. She can always give this baby up for adoption. Or she can keep it if, you love her and want to work it out you would try to support her. God bless you.

Hi roughstart,

Just read through your thread today. The whole thing is a tragedy. You wife shows no respect or love for you. If she will not go to MC or IC then you have a very long and I'm afraid very hurtful road ahead of you. Pretending things haven't happened are not going to make them go away. There is something very wrong with your sich. You aren't listening to the people here. You post a question or a problem and then come back only to update or post another problem.

If your W will not join you in IC or MC then I urge you to go on your own. There is a chance she will join you at a later date. Right now you are dealing with things even the most experienced people would have trouble with. You need help. Your wife's affair after such a short time is not normal. Her having an abortion when it's against her morals is not normal. Her thinking her husband of 5 months is not fun and doesn't want him to go out with her is not normal. Not having sex since your wedding night is not normal.

Talk to someone! If you trust her parents then confide in them, or your parents, or an pastor at your church. SOMEONE! You are in way over your head here and you need real help. It seems like you don't want to believe this is happening but it is and it's going to continue until you do something about it.

I'm really sorry for you.

Symphony

Hi Roughstart... I am so sorry to hear about your situation. Mine is similar... my ex-wife, who cheated during the engagement, started again within about 2 months of the wedding. She got pregnant by what I learned six years later was probably OM. Now, however, the baby is my daughter and I love her dearly.

In your case... you have proof that the baby isn't yours. Personally, I'm pro-choice. But honestly, I think the abortion issue is a red herring. My advice would be to end the marriage and leave it as her problem, not yours. You didn't produce the child. She did. She has demonstrated a total lack of respect for you. I agree with whoever said it earlier: she's either a selfish, immature child, or somebody with mental difficulties.

It's a rotten situation, but at least it's only been 4 months and you can get out relatively unscathed in the long run. You're still young, and there are many better women than her. If you stay with her -- whether she gets an abortion, which she'll probably resent you for, or keeps the baby, which you'll probably resent her for -- you'll always be suspicious. You deserve somebody who you can trust and who has respect for you. And that ain't her. Your life will be better in the long run without her in it.

And finally, talk to your family, if you haven't already. Mine were a tremendous source of comfort for me. It's a wonderful thing in the midst of betrayal to have people in your life who love you honestly and unconditionally.

Geez,

Does anyone read anymore? News flash . . . HIS WIFE HAD THE ABORTION. IT IS OVER. STOP MORALIZING ABOUT CHOOSING AN ABORTION. THERE IS NOTHING TO CHOOOSE. IT IS DONE.

Rough . . .

Did your wife go out with her friends? What is happening?

Yeah in no way would I want to raise a child that my wife had with another man during an affair. That is crazy.

Not saying it would be the kid's fault but I would forever resent it.

CN,

No she did not go out with her friends, instead she just came home from work. We had another flare up, I did something stupid and looked up his yahoo id and there was a picture of him. Least to say that did not help anything with the mental image. As a matter of fact it made it ten times worse. Well I told her that I know what he lloked like and she got really PO'd about the whole thing and was saying she was getting a lawyer and she is not going to be at home whenI come home. Well that all calmed down and that was just 2 days ago.

So things are still really touchy. She has not shown any real sign of affection as of yet, and I'm still patiently waiting. No SF and it's driving me up a freaking wall. Cause I want to be like "You wopuld have sex with him, but not me". I contemplated kicking her out, but with what she has already done (the abortion), I would look like the bad guy.

So there's the latest update, also her birthday is coming up soon, any suggestions? Maybe I can score some major love bank deposits if everything goes really well.

rough

you need to stop opening your mouth to change feet ok? {Mate you sound so like I was]

Now there was NOTHING wrong finding out what you could about the OM, in fact general checking up to see no contact etc - plain commonsense to know who to defend your family against - however why go ahead and discuss that with your WW right now?

That was not good strategy. Like most of us who have been here, you react with hurt & anger and a simple wish for your love, even just caring to be returned, & mostly its not at this time.

Right now your ww is comparing 2 men, the OM who probably ran a mile when he knew she was Pg BUT is still right up there with her fantasy, and you her H who stood by her even so, BUT, I bet in her mind, is now determined to make her pay for it.

Not a good picture.

hey been where you are in the anger and hate and pain etc mate, but I know from my own mistakes your approach will drive her away. I was luckily caught by the MB crew here.
If I could stop it so can you. Most times anyway.

HOW? you follow the A plan for now and EXPECT nothing back for a while. I mean NOTHING!!! You see she cant yell & scream at the OM for using her, hes gone mate, abandoned her, shot through like a bondi tram, so I give you one guess who she WILL yell at and abuse..... yep ..YOU.

Call it the fog call it what you will, thats what happens & is happening to you.
Now add to that the abortion & you will see how mixed up she is right now.
Frankly she needs professional help, not the corner Psychology student but expereinced IC's which perhaps the local health center can put you in touch with. Maybe you've done this don't know.

If you expect SF mate then you are WAAAAAAY off base here. Hey dont think I still dont have moments where I feel just like you do.... "damn it she had sex with that [censored] why not me when I want it!!! Bit*h!!" and I bet you there are wives out there feeling exactly the same too.
SF right now for her would just not be on the scope. First she betrayed you, the M and hereself by cheating, then OM betrayed her by abandoning her - because lets face it he didn't really try to fight much for her - THEN she comes 'home' Pg with OM's child and has to face - quite rghtly - a angry, hurt H - because of HER actions.
The trouble is its not about who is 'right' here, its just how she is feeling overall and thats why SF is most likely out for some time.

She has been overwhelmed.

Don't be surprised that when you both start to talk and handle things better that YOU may end up feeling like not touching her ..thats common too.

There will also come a time when you will make a decison about what YOU want, despite saying you want the M now, you will question that later as things calm down and both have time to assimilate what has happened.

There a lot on your plate now rough, just do the Plan A thing, let her rant, rave, etc thats natural.

As for wanting to go out with the girls etc.. you have to be kidding. You obviously cannot make her do anything, but set your boundaries and let her know them, gently of course, NC, not going out without you, & what ever else is relevant to your sit,

If she breaks them then I guess you have to reconsider what you want or what is possible with your M, and what are the consequences if she does so. NOT threats just the boundaries to protect yourself.
It seems you got it across the friday so you must be doing ok...but of course expect her to say you are controlling etc etc or things to that effect.

Just bite your tongue a bit, but man do I know what you feel like though. And yes I did let go a few times too. Hey we are only human rough.

Do your best thats all you can ever do.

>It would be a cold day in ****** before I would wanna raise my cheating spouses other child. That is a disaster waiting to happen.

Ah. The world of absolutes. How quaint.

RS05 - Prayers are sent up for you and your ww. I wish she would come here or to the pg board. She is not alone. There are many who would reach out to her to let her know she is not the only person in the world to make a mistake that not only hurts herself but those that love and adore her.

You, also are welcome on the PG board. I am so sorry for your pain. As a bs, I totally understand your vehemence regarding raising someone else's baby. That was my first reaction as well.

I agree with others here that there are MANY issues in your m that need to be addressed....the lack of SF since your wedding being a screaming meemie of a one. While it may be the most glaring on the outside, I'd bet my left big toe that it is just a symptom of a larger, more insidious problem....I pray for you both.

I hope you are both well.

As for her birthday...kindness counts. Kindness given without expectation of reciprocation counts double. ESPECIALLY in this tentative time after an A and before true healing.

- Kimmy

The ultimatum was set that it was an abortion or a divorce. She chose the abortion, implying she chose the marriage. The abortion, however, didn't do anything towards working on the marriage. It only met the criteria for the marriage to continue/exist.

Your wife has shown little interest in working on the problems in your marriage. She won't go for counseling..she doesn't want sex with you...hasn't since you married...she wanted sex with an OM...she feels you invaded her privacy (MB calls it being "secret" not "private" when there's been a reason to not trust her.)...you're boring and she wants to party with her friends, etc. I can't understand why she wanted to maintain the marriage, regardless of the abortion decision. What's in it for her? What's the payoff?

It seems like now she has the "ace" card whenever you make requests or set limits within the relationship. Afterall, she had an abortion to save the marriage!! What "marriage"??? Two people existing together?? What in this marriage is worth saving or improving??

Your wife may not want to go for counseling because she will look bad..or be asked to change some of her ways. The more people she keeps from having knowledge about her affair, the less people there are to help hold her accountable.

If nothing else, please get counseling for yourself.
What's the "payoff" for you to remain in this marriage? If everything were to stay as it is now, would that be acceptable to you? If your wife is straying this early in the marriage there is something seriously wrong. Personally, I'm not sure that a Plan A or not Lovebusting would be effective with these dynamics. Perhaps a call to the Harleys would be extremely helpful at this point. You could talk to them. Your wife wouldn't have to be involved unless you and she agreed to it.

As far as consequences from the abortion, there are long lasting consequences to raising a child under such circumstances, too. I find it interesting that adoption was suggested, and there was no indication that you and your wife explored that option.

I have met and fallen in love with my xWS's OC. I never thought I could. He was born with Down Syndrome which made it even more difficult. I was willing to work on having the OC be a part of my life, knowing the OW was part of the package. Having said this....I still wish the OW would have had an abortion. I am pro-choice. The OW chose to keep the OC. That's her right. It's not my body or my child. My xWS chose to maintain an active parenting role with the OC. I think that this was the right decision. The OC is totally innocent. At the same time, my life has been turned upside down. I have had to file bankruptcy...and have been on a medical disability leave for over a year now (Chronic Fatigue Syndrome and Major Depression.)There have been many times I wish that I wasn't alive. That's not the OC's fault. But, neither, is it mine.