Found out 2 weeks ago that my H of 15 years has been having a PH for 8 mts and I just can't seem to get it together. We have decided to work on the M, but there is so much history and I just cant seem to cope with the rage I am feeling.

H has never cheated before, and although there have been other issues my security was built on the trust I felt that he loved me. Everytime the phone rings, or we have to be apart for work or other things, I have this knot in my stomach that just wont go away. I keep trying to keep to plan A, and on the surface I seem to do okay, but only on the surface. Does this feeling ever change? I keep swinging from tears to anger in the space of 30 sec and am exhausted from trying to keep it under control. I do not trust his reasons for ending the A, and am not convinced it was because he loved me, but suspect he is just used to needing me. The OW has no job, no home, 2 failed marriages and is not attractive or intelligent (I caught them together so was able to confront them) I have a good job and have been the stabilizing factor in his life for many years. I try to stay busy and take care of myself, but find that I can no longer sleep nights or eat right, and can't shake the crazy feelings I keep getting.

Any suggestions for coping?

Welcome to marriage builders. Luckily you have found us early in this mess. We all have been where you are - unable to sleep or eat. It is a horrible shock at first.

Has he told you why he had the affair? Does he even know? Has he been willing to answer all of your questions? Or does he just want to sweep everything under the rug and pretend that nothing happened?

Sorry twoblue!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> {{{{{tb}}}}}

BTDT, I can tell you this part gets easier... it passes over time...


Sad but sorta funny, this is VERY much like my WH and his last A... unfortunatley for me I Md a repeat offender and have reached the point where there in no going back now...

One thing I learned from this A... WH liked that OW "needed" him where he felt I did not... she made him feel important, useful, etc <gag>. Apparenlty me being tired and angry cause I was carrying too much for too long was a major LB for him and instead of standing up and doing the right thing by his family he found someone who could make him feel more useful! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> Seems he had to dig way down in that barrel though! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />

After his first A we did really well in recovery for awhile... so I know it can be done. Our problems involve many levels including his untreated sexual addiction... just telling you that so you don't look at my signature line and assume there is no hope... there is ALWAYS hope! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Take heart in knowinng that everything you are describing is normal and expected... and over time will ease. I cannot tell you how bad it was for me... not sure how I got through but for the grace of God! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Hang on though, these early months are like a rollercoaster that will probably make you lose your lunch a few times... the good news? Most come out on the other side so much better off for taking the ride!

Keep reading and keep posting... it was my source of strength those early days! Heck, still is and I am on my own now!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> Good luck to you!

The OW was a high school acquaintance that got back in touch with him last year. He met her and told her how happily married he was until we had a fight (but he can't remember whatover) and things took off from there. Think the A was more to do with his EN not being met than sex (we have always been in sync in that area). He has broken off all contact and is saying and doing all the right things at this point but I seem to be totally obsessed with the details. I want to know everything - what they talked about, what they did, and I am making myself crazy comparing.

The whole time the A was happening I knew something was wrong but no matter what I tried I could not get him to talk to me. He blamed it on the job, on the kids, on my being overbearing etc etc etc and I was miserable. We did not talk, he barely worked or spoke to any one and we always seemed to end up fighting over stupid things. Now I am absolutely enraged that I went through hell for 9 months thinking something was wrong with me, that I wasn't doing enough, being understanding enough etc and yet it was his guilt that made him treat me so badly. Now that he has ended it, our sex life is fantastic and he could not be more loveing and helpful but I am in fear that as soon as he gets tired of trying, or if his quilt abates that we will be right back where we started.

I have 2 grown daughters from a PM and H believes that they will always be first and that he is just an afterthought. I know this is not true but have never been able to make him believe it. The OW has called him 2 times since the breakup, but he has let me listen to the messages and by monitoring his cell I know he has not contacted her. His integrity was so important to him before this and the guilt is eating him alive right now. But I have seen that before and as soon as the pressure is off, he goes back to the same old patterns.

I have always tried to be the peacemaker, and the protector in our relationship but the rage I feel now, the injustice and humiliation are so overwhelming. I hate the thought that the OW will always believe he came back to me for monetary reasons and not because he loved me. How twisted is that?

First, it really does not matter what the OW thinks, does it?? NO <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

You sound so much like me and my sitch!! I thought *I* was going nuts and I was over-reacting... will never allow anyone to make me distrust myself like that again!! I have always trusted my intuition and for some reason allowed him to make me think I was being overly sensitive!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

Again, hate to say it, but on this rollercoaster you are right where you should be. Outraged and indignant and then fearful that your M is over and actually wanting to be around him! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> I know, it is a paradox!

Again, MY WH also was really good at behaving for awhile and then reverting... I guess I thought he really could change. I should have known better! See, as teens he messed around alot, except he would "break-up" with me and then go have sex with OW and then beg his way back... wish I knew then what I know now!!

Still, I got 3 great kids out of the deal and I love them to pieces.

Sounds like your WH is immature, is he younger or just a bit slow? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> My STBXH is actually 3 yrs older chronologically, but has alot of growing up to do...

You will get there one day at a time. Are you in IC and MC? Don't fool yourself into thinking you guys can do it alone! Read all about it, so much makes sense and it is nice to know how normal it all is for you to feel the way you do and for him to act certain ways too!

A 9 mo A, expect withdrawl... and it ain't pretty. Get a copy of HNHN and SAA...invaluable to me then.

YOU are doing good girl, just one foot in front of the other.

Twoblue,

Sorry for the situation you are in, but welcome to MB. I read your last entry and wanted to point out a couple of things... mind if I quote you?


All of these are reasons that you and your husband need to get in counseling with a good Pro-Marriage counselor. Hidden in here are the likely reasons this affair happened. And if you don't figure them out -- together -- your rage and pain will not dissipate and a second affair is likely, no matter what your husband says right now. I know. Been there, done that and paid for it dearly.

~ Snow

Another horrible night. Phone rang after midnight, and when I answered someone hung up. I called it back and it turned out to be a legitimate wrong number, but the tension and rage the sound of the phone set off was unbelievable. I got maybe an hours worth of sleep rest of the night and still can't get the knot out of my stomach. I keep pumping my WH for info about the A, and then spend hours going over it. Can't seem to stop it.

My WH is seeing a therapist but at this time I am not. We had been going to MC all through the A, and I am still in contact with the MC, but see no point. Until WH works out some of his own issues, there is no energy left to deal with the issues in our M. Isn't that the crux of the problem? I hate being on the back burner, to be dealt with later, because it is not as crucial as his needs.

How did you get past the craziness and feelings of resentment? Usually staying busy and focusing on other people/issues has helped in the past, but all my efforts this time are failing.

TB, you NEED a IC!! You are going through one of the most traumatic things a person can experience...you need help too, my dear! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Good that WH is going to IC, he needs it too, I am sure. To assume that you cannot do anything more at this point sells you short. Wouldn't you like to be in a better place when he starts being able to work on the M?

The obssessive thoughts are hard to stop, but eventually you must. Resentment will only hurt you in the end...and trust me, I am learning this lesson the hard way... one day at a time! <sigh>

Have you got the books yet? They help so much!!