I was recently hit with the line that my wife has been very unhappy, she eluded before and to my fault I pretty much ignored the warning signs. For the last 6 months I’ve been in counseling and have made drastic improvements in my ways of handling things and situations. But she has not been responsive and hasn't given me a chance to show her I’ve really made changes. About 2 months ago she agreed to couples counseling, however, due to the passing of her dad, we had to cancel. Now she thinks that we're done and does not want to go. A couple of weeks ago, she hit with the divorce line again, and I was very angry and told her that she has done nothing to help or improve not even counseling. Well 3 weeks ago she started individual counseling and she thinks it's helping a little bit, however, the counselor suggested a trial separation to help with grieving and sort out her feelings. She left yesterday to her mom's house to sort things out and I assume to help with her mom also. However, her counselor wanted to meet me, which I agreed of course. Now, I’m not sure what to do, avoid contact? How long? I’m sad and very confused. I appreciate any words of advice.....

Married 3.5 years
Together almost 9 years
No kids

Cmelo,

I'm really sorry you find yourself in this position, but welcome to Marriage Builders.

Please read the Basic Concepts as well as the letters to Dr. Harley. Dr. Harley's responses to the letters contain valuable information not always found in the Basic Concepts.

I suggest reading another book as well: It's called Should I Stay or Should I Go? How a Controlled Separation Can Save Your Marriage.

The CS may work better in your case since your wife is open to contact from you. I would not recommend Plan B at this point unless you've left out a lot of information. Plan A is more approapriate, and possible the Controlled Separation.

I also think you need to find out if your wife may be involved with someone else. It's possible espeically if she hasn't responded at all to your changes over the last six months.

It's also possible that by the time she was able to get through to you about her unhappiness, it was already too late for her. If she's "beyond the point of no return" it doesn't automatically mean things are fini. It means you have to make drastic changes and be absolutely consistent in those changes. There's no room for error.

It would also help if you'd fill us in on where you went wrong. We're pretty forgiving here, so if you are a formerly wayward spouse or physically abusive, it's best if you fess up. The feedback you'll get will be more valuable.

Before you go to her counselor, I suggest you talk to your own counselor. Run through some scenarios. Do ask her counselor if what you say will be held in confidence or repeated to your wife. If the IC has already made up his mind that your wife is better off without you, anything you say may be used against you.

However, sometimes, the counselors want to check how their client perceive a situation against how other family members perceive the same situation. It could be he's going to try to find out if you're really as horrible as she says or if she's enlarging your transgressions to mask something else going on.

I have also heard of two ICs sitting down with their clients for a session though this seems to be only in very troubling circumstances.

Best of luck to you.

I agree with GG, sounds to me as if you are making great strides in tackling something although it is unclear what that might be...

That actually plays a long way into some of the thought processes and repsonses. If you have something to make amands for, by all means, go to it... if she is hurting through some fault of yours than it is very possible she is withdrawing to protcet herself from further harm...

That is precisely why *I* am D-ing! I can't keep taking the emotional abuse that accompanies repeated As and lies, lies, lies! My WH, however, has done little to nothing to make it right or to heal... sad that a 15 yr M & his 3 beautiful children isn't worth it to him <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

I think they may be more here to work through. Again, GG is right, MBs is filled with all types and as long as your heart and mind are open to healing you will not leave disappointed! Good luck to you!

thank you for both of your inputs. to answer the burning questions, no, i have not had an affair or abused her in any way. i went to counseling for my anxiety, depression and how to treat my wife as a wife and not the average person or take her for granted. i have asked her countless times about somebody else and she denies it, and she has always been straght and upfront with me. She is a very independent person, and i have stiffled her and controlled her. also, our sexual intentions have not been on the same page, when she was in the mood, i was too tired, and vice versa.

i don't know what to do anymore, i don't want to get divorced, we had so many dreams, and now nothing.

very sad,

yes, it is always sad when a M is broken.......

Well that is good that you are not a reformed offender.. and good for you for seeking help to improve you... that shows a great deal of desire to make things better on your part!

Let me say, my WH swore up and down that he would NEVER do these things to me and alas we are still here today, d-ing becasue he is a very good liar! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

The fact that you are apart, the fact that you are admitting to SF isssues and the fact that you speak of depression and such (makes the valley between you two wider sometimes)...IMVHO it is entirely possible that she is having an A... could be an EA that she would not even recognize as such.

Most of us women folk need to be loved and cared for ALOT... it is unusual to see us walk away from someone who is saying "I love you and I want to make this work" unless we are walking TO something else, KWIM? And most of us are not very good at going "hey, guess what, I am having an A!" <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

How long have you two been Md? And children? About how old are you guys?

Sounds like we need to formulate a plan to help you save your M... have you read around this site? LOTS of valuable info... there are "Newbie" links at the top of the "Just Found Out" forum that you may find very helpful.

Let us know what you need here, we have ALL BTDT in some way and are very good at problem solving! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

I guess it is possible to have an EA. i'm hoping that the IC helps her and hopefully it's not entirely me and i just happen to be easy to take out her issues on. This i can deal with, because i can stick it out. LIke i said, her father just passed away, she almost lost her mom to cancer a couple of years ago; she's still not 100% healthy, and top it off, her cat of 11 years suddendly got ill and had to be put to sleep last week....a lot for one person to handle in a short period of time. Even though she's not responding to me, should i reach out and call her? HOw long should i wait?
We've been married for almost 4 years (September), no children, although we planned to have them before this all happen. I'm 37, she 34.

Thanks again for the support........

Cmelo, why do you say you were controlling and stifled her? Is that what she tells you? Or is that what you came up with yourself?

When I hear a man described as "controlling" it makes my antennia go up. It a vague word that can mean anything. Here's an example, a wife calls her husband "controlling" if he asks her to throw in a load of laundry. But another wife thinks nothing of a husband who every day leaves her a list of chores to do while he's at the office.

You stifled her. Hmm. Let's see. Did you lock her up in the basement with no light? Tell her she couldn't learn anything new? Do anything new?

Sorry. Pet peeves. How long have you been depressed? Is that why you finally went to IC? Has depression affected your work?

As someone who struggles with bouts of depression, I know how it wears down relationships. Depression sets out to isolate you, it puts you in a dark, dank cave and leaves you shivering.

It's also horrible for anyone living with you. Depression will stifle a relationship. Depressed people have difficulty making healthy connections.