It was suggested that I post this in here, so I'll just add a link to the thread

how do you seperate

Original text
"I'm new at these forums, so forgive me for not knowing your acronyms.

I caught my wife cheating on me a months ago. The affair had only been going on a month. I have been enraged ever since. We've been going to counseling, to no avail(sp). She told me that she completely stopped all comunication between them and on July 4th she took my three children out with him to lunch and the movies. Then on the 5th they I caught them basically having internet sex. Now the problem lies within money. We have no extra money for her or me to get another place to stay in. Due to the hours of my job I can't stay home and take care of the kids without her being there. So just last night I packed my stuff and left. Now I have no place to go except friends houses, and I know I can't stay there forever, or even very long.

Another problem I'm having is I love my wife very much and I don't want to quit the marriage, but she says she feels no attration to me. She was my first love and gave me three very beautiful children. She told me today that she done trying to work on us and she needs to work on her and does not want to talk to me anymore. My problem is that I don't know how to do that. We've always been together, we've always been very happy. Now she just wants me to drop contact completely and I don't know how to let go.

The reason we strayed apart was because of our jobs, we worked opposite shifts to take care of the kids. She would get off at midnight and stay out untill 3am when I left for work. I'd work 16 hours and then do it all over. She got mad because I was always too tired when she came home at 1am to make love and she said that's what made her do what she did.

Anybody have advice on how to make this seperation work? I just can't not talk to her anymore, it's killing me.

Thanks in advance."

I can't tell you how to make the seperation work, because it is a terrible mistake unless you want a divorce. You can't work on your marriage if you are gone.

Do you want to save your marriage?

More than anything. I just called her and told her I'm coming back home. She wasn't happy at all. You people on here knocked some sense into me. My daughter has been trying to tell me all along and I wasn't listening. I knew all along it wasn't the right thing. Our counselor told us it was the best thing to do.

The first gut instinct feeling of a sane person is usually the right one.

Congrats on listening to it and following through. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Is the other man married?

Yes with three children as well. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

Hi NavyRed,

Sorry to see you here with us other miserables. However, there are some wise ones here who can help you.

To follow up on the previous poster's question, does the other man's wife (OMW) know about the affair (A)?

If she doesn't, the first priority is to tell her about it. Please don't threaten to tell her. Just tell her.

And be a dad as well as you can through all this. Your kids will remember.

-AD

Okay, time to expose him. Have you read about that here? It is the quickest way to end the affair. Check out foundareason, and Gramn's posts.

Talk to his wife.

Please find a pro-marriage counselor like Steve Harley. Most counselors are DREADFUL in the arena of infidelity and understand nothing about it. Did the counselor perhaps explain to you that a) ya can't fix a marriage if you aren't there and b) it only increases the risk of divorce?

It also enables the affair.

So, if you want to save your marraige, go home, expose the affair, and start on a good Plan A. No fighting and no lovebusters. Get your hands on Surviving an Affair by Willard Harley.

I would love to expose it to her, and God knows I've been trying, but he/she live in Raliegh, NC and I live in St Pete Fl and all I have is a liscense plate number and and a cell phone number. The cell phone has no info attached to it.

I know his wife doesn't know, he's a traveling saleman that does this all over the country. When my wife first met him she told me how caring he was for his family, going home every weekend to see his family. Then once the affair began the story changed to he is in a mentaly and physically abusive relationship and he's leaving his family.

The guy is a pro and when I confronted him and asked him to please leave my family alone, he made fun of me and mocked me. That has been one of the harder parts of the whole ordeal. Spilling my guts to a man that is trying to take my wife, that has been with my wife, and now he's mocking me?

That just shows you what kind of man he is. My WH's OW did the same thing. She was nasty.

Maybe someone here will figure out how to get more information. Exposure to his family will do lots to end the affair.

Well, the only thing I have left is his liscence plate number. I tried his cell and it's unlisted.

Also should I tell my mother in law about this situation? I feel I am close with her. Also she is not really my wifes mother, my wife mother died when she was very young. She just met her around 6 years ago when she met her dad for the first time. I think she(my wife) respects her(step mothers) opinion though.

Sorry I've got a lot of questions, but everybod on here seem so good at advice, I can't stop asking <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

Should I plan on moving on, or should I keep trying to work on this? How long should I keep working on this before it's helpless? I'm willing to work at it forever, but that can't be healthy for me can it?

I talked to MIL tonight and she was so surprised she didn't know what to say, she was very hurt and in shock. She said my wife hasn't even told her we've been having problems. How sad, my wife says she feels like she's her mother and doesn't even talk to her about our marriage.

navyman, this is FAR from hopeless! You have lots of tools in your arsenal that you haven't even begun to use. Exposure is a powerful weapon against an affair. An affair cannot survive long in the light of day because they depend on secrecy to survive. You have some great exposure opportunities here. Exposure is the single best weapon you have against an affair and often it can effect the end of an affair.

Given what you said about the OM, I think you are probably going to have to expose him at work, though. But first, it's important to find the OMW and tell her.

In the meantime, stay home and avoid lovebusters.

She wrote me am email today that said that she told him she wants nothing to do with him anymore, this will be the second time she told me this. She also says she has no other proof than that he's quitting at work and she's gonna have somebody call me and tell me. I don't believe her, I feel it's another trick. She also told me that she's going to go enlist in the Navy again today. So.... Who knows what she's doing.

I don't know if anybody is able to follow this since there are basically 3 posts with my problems in it, but this is two nights after the last update.

We have fought and argued since then. I've accused her of being with her lover and been proved wrong, and today possibly the most confusing thing to date. She went jogging after work and came home refreshed and happy and completely understanding when I told her I was sorry for accusing her. I went to the store to get some stuff for the house and when I came back SHE hugged me and said thank you for going to the store!!!!!????? She hasn't treated me nice or said thank you in a while and this is the second hug she's given me in two weeks after going months without her giving me a hug.

Now I accidentally brought my journal in from my truck after work today and I noticed it was moved when I got home from the store, but it was sitting on top of the mail, so I don't know if she read the stuff in there or not. I have poured my heart out in there and it wasn't meant for her to see, so if she saw it, could it have changed feelings just like that?

OMG now I'm more confused than ever. It felt so good for her to hug me, I can't even explain it. It was better than when we were first in love.

I don't know what's going on anymore. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

Don't get your hopes up, just hang onto your [censored] because the mood is likely to change tomorrow. Do you have access to her cell phone log? Was she talking to someone whn you were at the store? Did she take her phone jogging with her?

If she is truly done with the affair, then she should have no problem sending him a no contact letter agreeing to NEVER EVER communicate with him again. I would be interested to see her reaction to that request. The letter should be written by you both and mailed by you. Here are some samples: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=37;t=018918;p=0#000000

Have you found his W's # yet and been able to expose him to her?