Caren,

Although I am a H dealing with a WW, I had a very similar situation to yours a few months ago.

My wife went to see a divorce lawyer. At the same time, she was pretty worried about where I was and who I was calling when I was stressed out from her A and I would leave the house at night to drive.

There is an internal battle going on inside the WS, almost like two people fighting each other: the one that loves you and is your spouse, and the one that is in the A and wants out of your marriage.

I asked my wife why she was more protective and jealous of me. It turns out she was worried I'd have an affair of my own (projection). She said if I had an A, she felt like she wouldn't be able to say anything about it because of her own A. Its odd stuff, but makes sense.

Another funny one was that she was always desperate and pleading to get some along time, away from our child. So she could relax and think. But when my parents came to watch the child so she could go out, she ended up calling me and inviting me to lunch! Weird stuff...

Also, the closer you get to actually getting over him and really finishing off your marriage, the more the person inside him that is your husband will scream and suffer. The confidence and detatchment that you project is a very good thing. It made my wife nuts that I was happy and confident during her A. But it also made her attracted to me second guess the OM.

Well, I'm planning more *Detachment*, since when I told him that I was going to work a double today to make the payment on our TV, he said "No, don't worry about it, I told them to come pick it up, I won't be able to afford it" (After we're D'd I gather). Well he'd been being pretty cordial, the last few days, even telling me he loved me.....BUT I'm thinking this is all his relief that he's going to be getting his "Own Way".

Well, I am having my Mom watch the girls tommorrow night....unbeknownst to him, and I have plans to go and play cards with some people from work, so I am simply not going to be here when he get's home from work, and I'll return when I'm finished.

I'm not going to sit around and stew. I also have a lead on an apartment, a friend of mine is moving out of the condo she's renting and the rent is only $500.00 (Which is still a little above my means, but it's a lot better than the $650.00 I was paying), and I plan on getting a roomate to pay have, which means I'll only have to come up with $250.00 per month for the rent. I am moving on with plans for my life without him.

He actually had the audacity to say (When I was crying about the D thing)....Baby, don't cry, I love you....and who's to say that down the road we won't get back together (AFTER HE DIVORCES ME), I said something to the effect that I didn't want to be alone, he said "You won't be, I'll still be around"......I said "Do I hang out with DD20's Dad??? Are we *FRIENDS*???? NO, because we're DIVORCED" He said "It's not going to be like that with us, I want to be your friend."

Is that the most colossial load of crap you've ever heard???

ALSO, he's not divorcing me to BE with someone else, he has no plans to be with anyone else, he just doesn't want to be married anymore, but he will always love me. Then he took my hand and put it over his heart and said "Caren, you will always be here".

I cried myself to sleep.

The next morning he left for work and then he called me as soon as he got there, and he could tell I had been crying, and he said "Are you going to be able to handle sleeping with me while SS16 is here?" (His son) And I said "Is that why you called me?" He said "Well, that, and I wanted to tell you to have a good day" (I'm still crying) and he said "Baby....please don't cry, I love you" I said "I love you too, I have to go".

Good Grief!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

-Caren

Good job, Caren. Move on. In the time I've been here, I've watched your ups and downs. Just say "game over". You've earned your way out.

I dunno if I can say game over, I know I should say game over....my head says game over....but I can't seem to convince my heart of that.

I cried all morning this morning, then finally got myself in check and went to work. When I got to work, my manager came out and said that my *sales* were below normal (We're supposed to push appetizers, soft drinks (instead of water), and salad bar (for people to add on to their dinners), and that he schedules 1 server too many for every shift, and he's going to start sending the person with the lowest sales in those catagories home.....I LOST IT, I'm thinking are you F-ING KIDDING ME?!?!?!? I'm a waitress...what am I suppose to force these people to buy things they don't want???? Should I bring in a gun? (Thinking these things...not saying them) I start crying uncontrollably.....I went outside and another manager followed me out and asked me what was wrong....I told him, he said "The report I looked at your sales were okay".....I said "Well not the report Nick (The GM) was looking at, apparently" I said "I have had it....I've got all these things going on at home, my husband wanting a divorce, and I've been keeping things in check pretty well....now I'm told that if I don't get my sales up, I'm going to be sent home???? I really need more crap in my life...I really do" I'm bawling and crying, then I decided I was just going to freaking leave, and the GM said "Caren...come here" I said "What Nick? I'm going to leave, I wouldn't want to subject anyone to my sub-standard service" He said "Just come here, please" So I did, and he sat there and talked to me, and said I was an excellent server, but that the focus for him, and for the company was sales, and that my job wasn't in jeapardy, and he was sorry if he made it sound that way, and that he was happy that I'd come back (I used to work there before the hospital)....etc, etc. In short, I stayed, but I was really not doing well for a while there.

It's tearing me apart. He's being so nice, so normal now that he thinks I'm giving him the dissolution....it's insane.

Also......I CALLED THE OW today. She answered the phone, and I said "OW, it's Caren, do you have a minute?" She said "Yeah, hang on" So she switched phones, or something, and then said "Okay, I'm back" I said "I just wanted to call you and apologize for all the insane crap I did to you during the last year" She said "I really have no idea why you'd call me after all this time" then she said "Why on earth was all your anger directed at me???" I said "I don't know, but I realize it was" I said "Mark was stringing me along the entire time you were seeing him, he NEVER once stopped seeing me, he never ONCE stopped sleeping with me, and towards the end, he was talking about wanting to get back together with me, but he had to keep you pacified because his cars were in your garage." She said "Well, he's an [censored], and he made me believe that you were the one that wanted out, that you didn't want him" She said "I would NEVER have started seeing him if I had known that he was still *with* you, I have morals, you two were separated, and I didn't start seeing him until after you'd been separated for 2 months" I said "Well, he apparently liked you, because none of this started until he started helping you move, etc." She said "Well for him to *like* someone else, there must have been marital problems..." I said "Oh there were no doubt marital problems, he just didn't make me aware of them". She said "Well, believe it or not Caren, I do have morals, and would never have had anything to do with him if I had known" I said "May I ask you a question?" She said "Sure" I said "What did he tell you the night he broke up with you?" she said "He said you were getting evicted, and had no where else to go, and it was over between us...and that was it" I said "I suspected he told you it was due to my eviction" She said "You know, I want to tell you that I think you're both nuts" I said "OW, he NEVER stopped hanging around me, or calling me, in fact, one day when he had DD10, I went to the movies with my friend, he came out and jumped into the window of my car, and was screaming in my face because he thought I was out with a guy" She said "I still don't understand, why now, after all this time you're calling me.....and I want you to know that I can't believe the things you two did in front of your children, that's CRAZY!" I said "You're right, it was crazy, I can't justify it, but you're right, it wasn't anything our kids should've seen, all I can say is I wasn't in my right mind" Then I said "Okay, well I just wanted to tell you I'm sorry, that my anger was misdirected, and I apologize....I'm not telling you this because I want to be your friend, or because I want you to like me....I just believe I owe you an apology, and that's all I have to say." She said "Okay, thank you".

For what it's worth,

-Caren

Hey caren,did you feel as if you needed some kind of closure with her? or are you thinking your H is sneaking around with her and are feeling for info? Caren youve been thru so much, i dont know about you but talking with the ow only brought me more pain. who the heck does she thinks she is passing judgement on you? she was the one involved in adultery and if i recall correctly was giving your H advice on how to divorce you! dont believe her "im innocent" crapola. i believe most of these op's are just as responsible as the ws's. she knew where you lived/worked right? she could have picked up a phone to ask you if what your h was saying was true, after all the man WAS still married. {{{{Caren}}}}} i continue to pray to god that you find the happiness and the relationship you deserve, you have made more progress than anyone i know.

Shelly,

"just as responsible" as Ws's for WHAT? PLease remember it was caren WHO CALLED the OP here, not vice versa. Now, trust me, I can't stand Wayward Spouses any more than the next guy or gal, but ULTIMATELY it was Caren's husband who betrayed HER, not this slimy OW......Responsibility lays SQUARELY on the shoulders of Caren's WAYWARD husband. Yes, I know this is a tired old argument here and I don't need or want to get into a debate over this, but I just couldn't find the strength tonight to "let this one go". I amy regret this is in a few hours...LOL.

Sour..... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Caren, do not call the FOW again, for any reason, no matter how good of an idea it seems at the time. That is the complete wrong place for your head to be. AND, you do not owe her an apology ~ for anything. Even if she thought you were separated, that is NOT divorced. When I suspected my FBF/OW was having inappropriate contact with my FWH, and I confronted her, she told me the same thing, "I'm sure, Spidey, I have morals." And made me feel like a bad friend for questioning her! The whole time she was having the A with him!

What's done is done is done. Your focus and energy need to be in healing your own self, your own family ~ whether that family includes your WH or not.

Use a journal, and write all this stuff down in there, instead of acting it out each day. Your probably have a best-seller DRAMA inside of you, waiting to be WRITTEN! Stop using all your energy and talents on acting the same things out over and over and expecting different results.

Love you, sweetie.

Spidey

Yes Lm i know, as usual i dont express myself well when i get emotional about something,and when i realized how this sounded i shound have come back and edited it. Carens OW just reminded me of the OW in my situation with all the protests of innocence and i know darn well the one in my case was not! I shouldnt read here anymore I get myself too upset over things Im trying to get over. Yes i know you say the WS is 1000% responsible for the affair and the OP has nothing to do with the state of the marriage that led to the affair. i just didnt like C's ow causing her more pain by throwing that in her face and Caren opening herself up to it by talking to her in the first place. I hope I did better with this post <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />.

I actually felt better after talking to her, nothing she said to me was untrue.....my anger was very one sided and directed at her, and not at the person I married.

I felt better that I apologized, because, as I've stated before I have forgiven her, and now I've forgiven myself for being insane over my husband being with her.

It WAS NOT for her.....it was COMPLETELY for me. I needed to get those things off my chest, as a christian.

I guess I'll quote a line from that song "Live like you were dying" --I gave the forgiveness that I've been denied.

I forgive my husband for having the affair, I forgive the OW for participating in it.....I can't FORGET, but I can forgive......that's all I have left to give either one of them to be quiet honest, my forgiveness.

-Caren

Boy Shelly, I do understand where you are coming from. I do it too ALL OF THE TIME. It is odd, but with me, I tend to show my DISPLACED anger towards Betrayed Spouses who are being railroaded by a Wayward Spouse....not really the Wayward Spouses. Perhaps it is just unprocessed anger at myself for having married a woman who could be capable of doing this. One never knows. Oh, yes it is a struggle at times.

Sour...... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

DISPLACED ANGER

Gotcha LM <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> this I know to be true but its hard struggling with all these emotions that Ive tried so hard to get a handle on. Rational thought tells me you are 100 % correct, emotional thoughts want to rip ow's hair out, j/k.

Caren, its all well and good that you are truely sorry for your actions (understandable in my opinion, no one knows pain like we bs's do we?) but if she's anything like most OP's she will use this call against you. How do you know for sure she's not going to run back to your H crying because you called her and make up a bunch of stuff about you? From my own experience the ow used my contact with her to try to convince my H that i was having an A of my own! this from a woman who said she didnt want him and it was him bothering her and blah blah blah. Im glad you feel better hon but I just hope you dont come to regret this. I realize your H is talking D again, but i wanted to tell you to please stop looking back and instead look towards your future.

hugs
Michelle

Actually FOW DID call my husband. I planned on going over to a friend's house....had a babysitter and everything...but it didn't pan out, they weren't home, so I ended up being home when my husband got here.

I was talking to him and then I said "Whelp, I'm gonna go find something to do" He said "No, actually, you're gonna have a seat, there's something I want to talk to you about" He said "I got a phone call today" I said "From OW? Yeah, I called her and apologized for all the crazy things I'd done over the past year" He said "Well she ripped my head off and told me I was an F-in A-hole and a liar and I wasn't getting my car back that's in her garage!" I said "Well, she can't really keep it, it's in your name" He said "Well!! It's on her property" I said "That makes no difference, you could call the police and have a tow truck take it out of there".....we talked about it a bit more, he was not happy I'd called her. I said "I don't feel a bit bad about calling her, I said what I needed to say"

So, if there was any amicable contact between them, there isn't anymore, she was pissed at him when she got off the phone with me...I knew she'd call him, before I ever picked up the phone.

The OW actually said to me "Women are stronger than men Caren, I was in an 11 year relationship that I had to end, and that love will probably always be there, but YOU'RE the woman, YOU'RE the stronger one, and you need to end it with that lying [censored]" I said "Well, I've got 13 years in, a whole lot of history,I have a child with him and I love him, and I can't seem to convince my heart that the best thing would be to leave him" She said "I think you're both insane"

She can think whatever she wants, and she's probably not too far off, we probably are very close to being insane, Lord knows our relationship of late has been nothing short of insane.

-Caren

Caren, I think you are really a spirited and terrific person. I so enjoy reading what you have writen. Of course, not the pain. You know what I mean, I get a real feel for you when I am reading what you write. I only wish you the best, hon. We are all in this mess together, I hope.

That being said -- next time you want to call the FOW - can you call mine instead !!!! Just kidding. Thought you might enjoy a chuckel.

My very best to you - carnation

((((((((((((Carnation))))))))))))))

I read your post about calling the OW's parents, and it's idiotic of these people to just blindly believe that their daughter could do no wrong and that you're some poor misguided crazy person.


I WOULD LOVE TO CALL THE OW in your case.........I would verbally dismember her <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> (Only because I wasn't there in person to do it physically)

-Caren

OW's jealous and spitting fire. Don't expect the car back w/o damage. One of the A hazards.

What the OW expects you to do is surrender the WS to her evil hands.

Of course you don't deserve a lying WS either. So which character is at your home now?

L.

Oddly enough, since agreeing to the dissolution (Which there is no way in heck I can actually do....I'm going to have to back out of it). MY HUSBAND has shown up....it's the weirdest thing I've ever seen.

He holds me when I'm crying, he tells me he loves me, he even took me out to dinner and a movie last night (His normal night to take his hot rod out with the other hot rod guys).

I'm completely confused by it all, but I'm not taking it for granted, and I'm sure that it's FINITO between him and OW now.

I went to church this morning, and I am filled with hope and feel wonderful.

God is so good.

-Caren

Caren,

I have watched you grow so much over the last few months. I just wanted to tell you that you are quite a remarkable woman. I'm so glad you are having a good day.

Froz

Thanks Froz, I appreciate it.

Of course, as soon as I'm having a good day, my husband seems to be having an off day, he just seemed irritable, he didn't really cause any trouble, but just seemed really irritable, I didn't let it affect me.

He seems irritable again today....I'm not sure what it's about. He's supposed to go see his lawyer on Thursday, because he'd started D proceedings, then he called and stopped them when I said I'd give him a dissolution, so his lawyer wants him in there to start the other papers, so maybe that's making him irritable. It doesn't make sense to me that he needs to go to the lawyer alone, I thought BOTH of us went if it was a dissolution....I dunno, I'm kinda hoping he'll cancel it. It seems like he's softening up a little, but who knows.

-Caren

Caren:

Do you see how incredibly dysfunctional your life is right now? The egg shells cracking all day around you must be maddening. I read your posts and I literally cringe. Yet, somehow, somewhere you believe you are in a "marriage" and trying for "recovery". You must be, because otherwise, why would any rational human being tolerate this. WHY????

Sour....

Caren, do you understand what a dissolution of marriage is in Ohio? Why would you AGREE to a dissolution if you ddint' really mean it? Now you are saying you are going to have to back out of it and kinda of laugh it off! These games you both are playing are exhausting! You guys just need to stop the games with each other and decide what is best for all involved. This is not a marriage anymore! Get the divorce and move on!