OK...I need a reality check. My XW (whom I have reconciled with, moved back, etc.) and I have an agreement that if we receive any communication from any of our X's (we both dated after our divorce) that we would immediately inform each other. We would also inform the other parties, if they did not know that we were back together and agreed that we would not communicate further with them.

Here's the problem. Both of her X's relate to her work. Her EA that turned PA after our divorce actually works for her company. She is an executive (Chief Financial Officer) of a large company and we decided that her job, with benefits was not replaceable, especially in this area. My job just recently ended and I am also looking for the same kind of job. They're just not out there. So her leaving her job is not an option. The guy that is at her work is a non issue. At first he would not accept our agreement but she stuck to her guns. No communication with him at all.

However, yesterday she received an all business e-mail from the guy she had an affair with 7 years ago. I was respectful but told her that she was to delegate whatever needed to be done. About 7 months ago he made a call to her about work. She informed him that we were back together and what our deal was regarding others. Because of the call I told her that she was to respond to him that he was not to contact her again and that his contact was......

she got upset and told me that "you want me to lose my job" I told her I did not. That whatever he needed did not have to go through her. That she put herself in this position and any contact was unacceptable. She told me that she would just respond to him that someone else would handle it. I stood my ground. He was to know that there as to be no contact. If she did not do it I would (as she did with one of my x's who simply would not go away). She is upset with me. I asked her how she felt when that guys name showed up. She said "it makes me sick". I asked her why she would want to feel like that. I also told her that this is not a control issue as she complained about that. It had to do with the fact that I DO NOT WANT TO THINK ABOUT IT! You calling me up and telling me about a benign e-mail, phone call just kills me and it hurts her. I also told her that she anticpates my response to be anger. It has not been. I have great control over my previous anger issues. I told hert that all I wanted to know was how she resolves it.

Here's my questions.

1. I have access to all her e-mail, even work. Everything as she allowed me to put a logger on her work computer and I can check it from home. She responded but not with my caveat. I will not set her up for a lie. I will simply forward her the response and tell her that I will take care of it by next xxx. Is this unreasonable?

2. I have problems with her traveling anywhere for work. Again, I trust her now BUT if she were gone all I would think about was what she did when she went away for work in 1998. Our MC said I am being unreasonable. She only needs to travel for social events, conventions and marketing stuff. It is not imperative to her job.

Feelings on this one?

3. She called me a few weeks ago and asked me "the President asked if I could go to dinner with a supplier and the other executives" My response was that I did not like being put in that positiion and that it was her decision", she knows how I feel about it. She then responded "well it's never been a problem before" I respectfully and matter of factly responded "that is not true, it was a problem and it was that exact sort of thing that led to you starting an affair"...she got angry and said she would not go.

Was this unfair, our MC said that I needed to let her be trusted.

Lastly,

I absolutely refuse to go to any company function that her EA partner will be at. I have made it very clear that "I will never be an adult about it. It is personal and I handle thinsg the old fashion way...I have had two encounters with him since I was divorced. Both ended with him beating his head against my fist... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> This guy is someone who claimed to be a friend of my family. I will never not have great issue with even seeing him. I told my XW 3 years ago that if I ever saw him again "I was going to pop him...I am a man of my word. I know that this is unreasonable but what do I do about her work functions...she is a sr. exe??

Should I change my position with this??


Thanks for input here....

Well, this is definitely a tough situation.
Are you being a little controlling? Yes. Would I do the same thing in your shoes? Yes.
As you are painfully aware, recovery is hard business.
I'm sure you don't want to hear it, but the truth is, this job will probably cost you your relationship with your W/XW

I can tell it is a serious burden on you. It is probably the single biggest obstacle standing between the both of you and complete recovery.

If at all possible, at least investigate an executive recuiter. CFO's with experience are always in demand.

For your questions, What would I do?

Question 1, She knows you have the logger on the computer and even accepted that you have it there.. Honestly, I take that as a huge "win" for you. Look around here, how many WS would be cool with that? The only ones I see being ok with that are also the only ones that seem serious about recovery. Think about that for a bit. I don't know about forwarding a response, but if she knows you are reading all of that, chances are she already knows you know she didn't email like you had asked. I don't think you need to go over her head on this, as it would probably stew some resentment from her. But I would bring it up, but not in a way to "set her up." She just needs to know how much her actions hurt you.

Question 2,
What about traveling with her on these thing for awhile? Is that possible? I know a few couples who do this. Wherever they are going, they usually stay a day or two longer and turn it into a mini-vacation for themselves.

Question 3,
This is where the whole problem is.... She has these meetings that are a part of her job. Maybe not dependent on her job, but nonetheless, something that is expected of a CFO. They will always be a source of resentment on BOTH your parts. She resents you for not allowing her to do her job, and you resent her, because you see it as her not respecting your pain enough to consider your feelings.
I don't know a compromise here that either of you will be happy with.

And lastly.
Company functions that have OM present... Yeah, that is a tough one. Honestly, If you've already beat on him twice, He's more afraid of you that anything. Personally, I would go to everyone. Especially those where he'll be there. You don't have to do anything except assume the role of the alpha male. I think he'll quickly disappear from going to these things. Especially if he knows for sure you'll always be there.

I hope this helps at least a little bit.

POJA

policy
of
joint
agreement

look up POJA on this site's homepage and once you and your wife understand the concept fully .... work this dilemma out with your wife in a way that you can both fully and happily agree upon

TT-
The key logger and acccess to her work stuff is OK. Our history over this is such that in a nutshell I had 3 different D-days...All of the information I had surrounding her affair was the result of questions I asked. Many of her answers, for months were not truthful. A couple of out of town flings while traveling turned into a full fledged year long affair...Her lies were tough...on both of us...and I almost stepped away from it because of the pain it causd me. So..it was her idea and I used it twice, once yeserday to see her response....I will not give her a chance to lie....cause if she does we're over. I drew that line in the sand...I had to...
I would love to go on any trips or dinners with her. It is not something that is done with her company. Is her job an obstacle? It is huge. We know this. the owner of the company has openly had mistresses for years until his sons began working for him. The president actually proposistion my wife when she first started working there. I only found this out after we began recovery. I was furious.

As far as company functions go. I'm not sure that I'll ever be ready for that. I will always be angry about it. We anticipated he would quit but he has not.

Pep...that is exactly what we did. She wanted to quit her job....however....it is not reasonable. So we agreed upon the no contact for any reason, we agreed no travel, we agreed...it seems as if as time goes on the rules were supposed to change.

oh yeah....thanks for the feedback....I would love more...

Considering what you've said, that these things were agreed upon by both of you, have you plainly asked her why now she does not want to honor the agreement?

EXACTLY...but...should I consider allowing it to change? I am not leaning that way. My plan is as follows:

Ask her if she resolved it

If she says yes I will forward her the e-mail and tell her that was not our agreement

I will then tell her that I will take care of it by e-mailing him that this is personal and that it was made personal by him sleeping with my wife. I will also tell him that I do not expect any of this to be relayed to her boss.

She is hesitant to send him any personal e-mail from work because they're all archived. I reminded her that her yahoo account is not...

Are those actions LB's?? Wrong??

Send I think this is EXACTLY why your XW wanted to quit!!

She has seen & still sees it as one of the greatest threats to your recovery together as do you. That being the case why did you not support her ?? Money, income?? is what I guess & yes there is practical reasoning behind that thought ..but at what cost?
There is obviously the 'old boys' culture in her company - bit like the forces - that what goes on in the company stays in the company etc etc

I'd sit down with your wife & seriously discuss the option of her moving to another job even if it takes some time to do so.

What I see here is a catch 22 that has been set up. You POJA'ed conditions, boundaries & the job. However for her to do & retain the job she breaks or at the least bends the other boundaries. Disaster is just waiting to happen one way or the other SEND.

Nothing you have asked for is unreasonable given the history except it makes it hard for her to do the job she is employed for. So I guess you need to reassess the boundaries or the job retention - if of course she is willing to agree at all now. Some hard decisions may be due.

Whatever the outcome you both need to discuss asap.

Aussie...The main thing about changing jobs is that I am also a CFO and in the process of working for a bank liquidating my former employer. I have been looking for a year and most jobs in this area a lower paying and much more demanding regarding time commitments. Her job is less than 40 hours and 8 miles from the house...Our boys and her family is from this area as well as our home. Facing unemployment myself her quitting just is not an option.

My XW is a stunningly beautiful woman who for years was not taken seriously at her former jobs. The growth of that company is a result of her hard work. I have been with her for 20 years and when she enters a room men look. I am not the jealous type and never has been. She can take care of herself...She had an affair because our relationship was in shambles. I admit to my faults and they have been addressed. I was also at a weakened state and ripe for an affair, I chose differently. The "old boys network" is still very much alive where ever she goes. What troubled me about her boss was that she never told me. She always worried I would get pissed. Dishonesty always pisses me off....

My take on the job is that she wants to quit to prevent embarrassment. She doesn't want to tell the president of a customer to never contact her. She doesn't want to tell her boss the truth. I'm sure he already knows. That customer probably used to do the "Hey, Mr. President, make sure that XWW comes along...." you know the rest of the discussion. Frankly I don't really care. I am sticking to our agreement. If she decides to quit she quits...I guess that needs to be an option doesn't it??? However, if she can keep our agreement I'm fine with the situation....

she or I must tell this old man to leave her be....see her boss and his customers are all rich playboys, past middle age. They have private planes, summer homes, mansions, etc. She was used and she knows it. If I never ever hear about that guy again I'd be OK...

There is a part of me that will make a trip to tell this cown face to face what a SH*T bag he is...this is personal...remember??

I appreciate your input and support...Any other thoughts??

So from all your input on this I need to decide