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#1421924 07/10/05 06:20 AM
Joined: Jul 2005
Posts: 3
I
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I am the betrayer. I hurt my wife so bad. Please someone tell me how to help my wife stop having graphic nightmares about what I did. Please! I love my wife so much. I am deparate to stay married to her. I love the life we've built. I don't know why I did what I did. I am in therapy. I quit drinking. I have changed myself dramatically. I can't emotionally stand the knowledge of the pain I caused the person I love most in this world. Please help me someone. Please. I have told my wife so many times how sorry I am. It's been six weeks since d-day. I have no relationship with the person. I was never romantically involved. I want my life back. I am so scared I am losing it. I can't live without my wife. I love her so much. Please help me. Someone.


ihurtsobad
Joined: May 2005
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All you can do is continue to do the correct things. Read through the Marriage Builder info and keep working at it.

If your wife is having nightmares she may need to see a doctor. It almost sounds like she has PTSD. The trauma of learning about the affair may have been more for her to handle emotionally and she may need to consider some antidepressants, which would help with the nightmares.


Art Romans 7:24 Wretched man that I am! Who will set me free from the body of this death? 25 Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord! So then, on the one hand I myself with my mind am serving the law of God, but on the other, with my flesh the law of sin. Married to my beautiful and gracious wife 26 years 1 son 1 daughter both grown In SA recovery since July 2003 Christian faith
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Sadly the mental images we BS [betrayed spouses] experience are a normal reaction to our WS [wayward spouses] betrayal.

Quote
I don't know why I did what I did.

While it's good that you are in therapy and that you have stopped drinking, the above statement will not cut it with your W. It is imperative that you discover why you did what you did, otherwise the fear, anger and distrust will continue feeding your W's mental images. Perhaps if you filled out The ENQ(Emotional Needs Questionaire) and The LBQ(Love Busters Questionaire) you may discover SOME of the factors that made you vulnerable to have an affair.

As easy as this may sound, please try to get control of your desperation for it will not serve you or your W at all and it just might lead you to do something counterproductive to the recovery of your marriage. This is a great place for emotional support for both WS and BS alike, please take advantage of it.

TMCM

Joined: Apr 2005
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IHSB,

I had nightmares. Horrible. Awful. Woke up screaming. Dreamed that OW was holding a knife to my youngest DS's throat, laughing at me, saying she'd let him live if I gave my H to her.

You can help you W by prpving you're working on your M, being transparent to her with cell records/e-mail passwords,
apologize, treat her like the jewel she is, and...NEVER doing anything to cause her pain ever again.

Good luck!


me-FBS M-6/84 3 great kids A-2/03-5/04 DDay-5/8/04 WD - severe-5/04-9/04 with continuing C; NC ltr-9/3/04 In Recovery with God's help Praying for all WS/BS. Blessings!
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Hang in there, it's going to be a long ride. Six weeks is like the first season in the 9 to 48 months it could take to get your life back and your beloved well in their heart and well with you. The infidelity trauma you have inflicted may indeed lead to depression but I wouldn't jump to that conclusion before readingthat link to my infidelity webpages with info on betrayal trauma and grieving. You are both in the first visit of the grieving cycle that travels around Shock, Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Testing, Acceptance. It takes a while to go around a few times and come to a genuine acceptance. Depression is a natural part of grieving, not a feeling I would recommend medication to dull. However, clinical depression is a concern and can be described as 'fragility, brittleness, lack of resilience, a failure to heal, with a loss of any emotion but guilt, of any desire but to stop'. PTSD is also a concern and I hope you both have access to a clinical psychologist or equivalent to help differentiate normal grief from clinical depression and PTSD. Both untreated can take up residence in the brain and there are effective interventions for both. Couple therapy is a more effective treatment for depression than anti-depressants - London Depression Intervention Trial.

Since alcohol has been part of your story, I wonder how much you have used drink and sex to alter your moods, to calm yourself or to manage the pain you have been carrying for decades. And maybe also you have experienced difficulty in impulse control and frustration tolerance. Without sex and alcohol to medicate your body, you are probably struggling to soothe your nervous system in a legitimate way and that is really hard work. I hope your therapist is teaching you safe ways to calm and self-soothe and that your partner has access to the same resources.

It's a long journey but the reward is to be truly married for the first time in your life, with your dearest friend your partner.

Last edited by ziji; 07/12/05 10:54 PM.

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