Hello all - first post on this forum, but have been devouring all the information I can over the last few weeks!

My story - found out end of May that my wife of nearly 2 years (together 5 and a half) had been having an affair for a year. She had to tell me - as she is now pregnant with his child.

How can I be sure its not mine? She was away with the OM, a colleague, on a work trip for 6 weeks. There is a remote mathematical possibility that it could be mine but I think we both know it isn't.

It was very hard finding out - but after a couple of days of utter devastation I started to look back and see how and why it had happened. I saw that I had retreated into a box since our marriage. I realise now that I had some serious problems dealing with any sort of conflict that involved discussing our marriage. I think that this comes from my parents having a very nasty, messy time of it when I was 9 or 10 years old. I was not malicious to my wife, but I was not able to meet her emotional needs. As soon as any situation occurred that required us to talk, which there are plenty of in a marriage, I retreated.

Of course it is not all my fault - but it does help me to understand why a friendship with a colleague developed as these things surely do into adultery - and then a deepening of feelings over quite a long period of time.

Fairly understandably my immediate response was that she should consider having a termination. She did go for a consulation at a clinic, but her heart was not really in it. However, over the last few weeks we have moved on as a couple and both want to start afresh with all we've learned about ourselves and each other.

She is now in a place where she wishes she could have a termination, but just knows that it will rip her apart, and that while I believe we could get through all the post abortion trauma - it could be the one thing that finishes our relationship for good.

Initially I said that I could not consider raising another man's child - especially as it would be our first child - something that I have longed for ever since we became 'serious'.

But now I can see that it may be the only way to save something that I really value - and of course I love my wife. I know that she loves me too as it would have been very easy for her to go to the OM who seems to be desparately in love with her too and is happy to have the baby. He is 15 years older and has some history of doing this sort of thing in the past - he left his wife for a colleague 8 years ago (and two sons). He is still with this woman (never divorced wife) and she is pregnant too! His situation is very complicated! I think that while my wife has developed feelings for him she doubts now how real they are, and whether it is mutual infatuation.

So, to cut to the chase - is there anyone out there who has raised another man's child in this way? Knowing about the pregnancy from the start. And having no children already. All the examples I have read involve couples who already have children. I know it shouldn't make a difference really, but I feel that I could deal with this more easily if we already had a kid or two. The fact that the joy of our first child will be taken away makes me feel that I will miss out on something very special.

The OM would have to be taken right out of the picture. I could not cope if he was around requesting access. My wife thinks he would be happy to leave us alone - but I don't know him or what he's capable of.

Help - any advice welcomed

Thanks, Bolts

Hi UK. As others have told me, sorry you find yourself here but welcome. If you've been reading this site I'll assume you read my thread and while our situations are not identical I sure as hell know what you are going through.

I don't know if it would have made a difference in my feelings towards my son if I had known the truth from the start. I tend to think it would not have but who knows? The simple truth now is that I love the baby to death and I am not too much concerned with whose sperm created him. I can tell you that I almost never think of my wife's partner in adultery when I look at my son. If I do think of the OM it's with sadness that such a great kid has none of my blood, never with resentment towards the baby.

It's obvious to me that even though someone else contributed the genes to my son that I will add all the ingrediants that will make him a happy, healthy and outstanding child. The things I give to my son as he grows will determine what kind of man he becomes. I believe that those things are more important than an accident of paternity. People tell me what a happy and intelligent baby he is and I know that I and my family gave him that big goofy smile, not the OM. You will not miss out on any of the joys of a first child bro. This IS your first child. Don't let a biological accident spoil it for you. Not having any kids of your own I can only tell you that if you can allow it you are in for the best thing that ever happened to you in raising that child. At least that was how it was for me with my first kid (he's 9 today). All kids are special and babies are especially special. I know from personal experience that you can love another man's child as your own. Out of the four of you involved in your spouse's infidelity the baby is the only innocent. Love it bro. For every ounce of love you give it you'll get back a ton in return.

Well said, Campdog. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />
I feel the same way about my husbands oc, even though we only get vistation , I love that baby , and in my heart and soul he is mine. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

(((((((((Bolts))))))))))))

A number of men report doing this successfully, even with a first child.
Also, a former member here (MaryJanes) found out as an adult she WAS an OC from A and 1st of several kids. She was her father-who-raised-her's favorite, possibly BECAUSE of his commitment despite the A. He told her he was there for everything important but the conception.

Your situation seems to work best if 1)the marriage is salvagable and 2)NO CONTACT w/former OM!

Important for the husband financially to decide if the marriage is salvagable, because if the marriage fails later you're stuck paying child support for a kid that isn't yours biologically.

Like marriage, I believe bonds of (parental) love are formed based on TIME and COMMITMENT, not biology. I have an adopted child and visitation w/OC, yet I love them no less than my bio-kids.

I hope that helps some. I'm very sorry for your pain. A prayer for your marriage,
J
7 years recovery and glad I stayed

UKBolts,

You may want to consider the following perspectives to help you to deal with this situation.

If YOU CHOOSE, out of your own free will, to accept the child into your heart and home it would be no different than if you had chosen to adopt a child. Also many couples HAVE adopted children BEFORE they bore a child of their own, and that has not diminished one bit the special relationship they have with ALL their children.

By CHOOSING to love this child, you will have conquered any anger and bitterness from your W's affair. This will free you and help you to move forward with your life. YOU will be the main beneficiary.

By loving this innocent baby, and gladly accepting the role of his/her father, you will have visited the worse kind of revenge on the OM that you could possibly imagined. It will be YOU, not the OM, whom the baby will call 'Daddy'. The OM may have taken your W for a year, but you will have taken his child forever.

The only caveat I have for you is to make sure that you and your W do everything to rebuild your marriage by following the MB principles embodied in Dr Willard Harley's book 'His Needs, Her Needs', 'Love Busters', 'Surviving an Affair' and 'Buyers, Renters, and Freeloaders'. For the best gift you can give the baby and the children you've yet to have, is the one you and your W give to each other, and that is a happy and healthy marriage.

TMCM

Thanks for your replies guys.

I am beginning to come round to the idea - but my wife has still not made a firm decision about a termination.

She has now discounted the OM as an option. We are not living together at the moment, she chose to move out to her parents.

The possible plan is for my W to rent a small place for a few months if she keeps the pregnancy, and we will go at our own pace to give time for us both to get used to the idea and feel that we are starting again. Clearly I'm only going to follow this path if OM is given marching orders!

This then gives me the choices - control in a stituation that previously I had no control over.

Even if she decides that a termination is her best option we may still give ourselves this space

If we need each other and are confident then we go for it. Might only take a week - may take 6 months.

I have to stress that no decisions have been taken yet. She still has another couple of weeks before it really becomes too late and the decision is made for her.

Its heartening to hear positive experiences - it may be the best thing I ever do in my life - or it might be too much to bear. Need to think it through some more. We both do!

Thanks again all, Bolts

Bolts, just so you know...

A. recovery books I read (our fave was After the Affair by Janis Abram Spring) said living apart is NOT recommended. I think the rational is, if you live separate lives during what is suppose to be recovery, you are not giving each other 100%. "Fake it 'til you make it".

Please try the Harley method and the Spring book mentioned above, and counseling, and living together.

Also--not looking for a political debate but--studies have shown that a woman's decision to abort is highly correlated to what the men in her life say about it. Meaning, you may have a bigger influence in her decision than you know. It seems like a sacrifice now, but accepting your spouse's O-child usually leaves the spouse so grateful, loving, and bonded to you in a special way. Some women (myself included) live to regret abortion (esp. late term!) and resent anyone who influenced her decision. 'nuff said.

Keep posting and best wishes on your marriage!!
J

ukbolts I am not sure of your financial situation but your wife can get a DNA test in her 10th WEEK of pregnancy.

She can have this done at 10weeks, it is normally not covered by insurance so it would cost about 2000 to have it done and results in about 2days.

If she thinks this will help her in her decision then maybe this is an option for her.

Just another option to consider since termination is already on the table as a choice.

Thanks again all.

Ok - next question - I am trying to work out how I would feel in the OMs position...nasty but necessary.

How would I feel if my child with a woman I am in love with is taken away from me because she now wants to go back to her husband. Even though when she first found out she was pregnant she decided to be with me and raise the child together. Bearing in mind I am 47, have two teenage kids from first wife, with another on the way with my current girlfriend.

Are there any OM out there who have gone through this, or people who have managed to get the OM out of the picture?

Not sure that the law in the UK is the same as in most US states - ie. if conceived in marriage, the OM doesn't have a great deal of rights. As much as I have said that it isn't mine, there is a slight mathematical possibility if it was a very late ovulation. My W is planning to have a CVS test to make sure fetus is OK and while they are there they may as well test paternity too.

Any thoughts... Cheers Bolts

UK,

I think you are missing something here and that is that OM is NOT like you and therefore your attempts to see things from his point of view are unlikely to prove fruitful. Here is a man that cheated on his W, but has not divorced her. Lives with the adulteress he left W with for 8 years and impregnates her AND has an affair with another man's W and impregnates her as well. Do you think a man like that has a conscience??? Not likely is the short answer.

I suppose in the UK he could be made to pay child support if you and your W decide to split the sheets and end the marriage. I surely hope so. Here in the US OM could be made to pay child support even if the marriage continues but he would then have visitation rights.

I do think you two should do some serious reading. For you to recover you need PLAN and that includes how your W is going to certify to you that NO CONTACT is being maintained. THat is a minimum requirement in most people's book.

Next, you need to address issues in the marriage and how they are going to be discussed, acted upon and overcome. All of this should be part of a PLAN not some haphazzard recovery. Next, you both should seek good marriage counseling if such is available to you. There are some serious issues in your marriage, and this affair is proof of that. You have NO blame for her choice to have an affair, but you do share in the state of the marriage BEFORE the affair started.

Frankly, if you go the Q&A section of this site, and you read the two letters addressing pregnancy from the affair you will find that Harley generally recommends that the OM and W form a union and raise the child IF there are no other children in the picture of your marriage. However, that situation is not present in your case. You don't have children but OM is married and also has another mistress on the side as well.

Someday I would love for you to come here and explain how your W explains feeling special with a man that has a W, children and another mistress. I cannot comprehend that, but who said affairs make any sense at all. That is why the state of the affair is often called the "fog", and surely you guys KNOW about FOG. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Hang in there, keep posting, and do some real reading. You and your W need a plan no matter what she decides.

God Bless,

JL

Did I miss something here UKBolts?

You have a child on the way with your current girlfriend?

What's up w/that? Is it a typo?

Explain more please.
Debi

gem,

I believe what he meant was that OM has a child on the way with his current mistress as well as UK's W. He is quite a man, this OM <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

JL

Eeks, JL, you are correct on that one, thanks for explaining~
Debi

My son is 8 months old now and I just put him in his crib for his morning nap. Earlier he was crawling around on the floor and got cranky and started fussing. He crawled over to me as I sat here at the computer and pulled up on my leg. When I looked down he smiled and raised his arms up to me. When I picked him up he put his arms around my neck and his head on my shoulder.

There's a rainstorm rolling in and I took him outside to show him God's world. He heard the distant rumble and looked at me with an unmistakable question on his face. I told him it was only thunder and that his daddy was here and would keep him safe and dry.

When he began fussing again I took him inside and gave him a bottle. As he was chowing down we looked at each other and I saw absolute, pure love in his eyes. It filled me up and made me happy to be alive. He fell asleep as he was feeding and I put him in his crib. He sleeps now as I sit listening to the rain.

He was six months old on May 11 when my wife revealed her affair, and his paternity, to me. My heart had suspected but my mind refused to see. It was the worst day of my life and the horror continues up to this moment. But my son is my son, NOT a symbol and I love him with all my heart. My feelings towards him are the same as they are for my nine year old biological son.

My oldest child would be 33 years old were it not for abortion. I was not against abortion until my first son was born. Not to abort remains a personal choice on my part and I don't believe anyone is entitled to an opinion in the matter except for the man and woman personally involved. Just my two cents again bro but it IS possible to love another man's child as your own, no ifs ands or buts.

I will never be glad for my wife's affair but I'm glad my son is here.

CD God just looked into your heart regarding your son and smiled.

I second that, Bob.

That was awesome, CD. Thanks for sharing.

Hey UK, i am in the UK too. This is my first post to this forum after lurking for ages.

I just wanted to let you know that the OM's rights to this child (assuming he is the father) will be extremly limited.
In fact, he will have no automatic right to anything and will have to apply to the court for parental responsibility just to have even the most basic say in anything to do wit hthe child. Given the circumstnaces i think you would have a good case for opposing that application, if that was what you wanted. The court will only intervene if it is in the "best interests of the child" and if it can find a way not to make an order, it will not.

father's rights as such are very resticted here in the UK, hence all the superheros dressing up and holding up traffic. it is changing slowly but i dont think you need to worry to much about the OM in this regard.

By the way, i totally get what you mean about losing out on the first child experience. I feel exactly the same way. My H and i dont have any children together and i am still so very bitter about hte fact that he shared all of those first with this wh*re rather than keep them special for us.

Hope the info helps.

lots of love

Carolyn [color:"green"] [/color]

Thankyou all again - especially Carolyn for the UK info. I had thought that it was the case that a child conceived in a marriage was assumed to be part of it, unless paternity was proven. In my case the OM knows that it must be his, and has stated that he has already 'bonded' with it. I feel that this has more to do with his need to do more 'bonding' with my W in the future!!

My W is having first midwife visit tomorrow and then scan to make sure nothing wrong with baby on Thursday. Assuming that all is well then there is no way a termination is on the cards. She is relieved to have made the decision to keep the pregnancy, and in a way so am I.

She is still in contact with the OM. Actually spent much of the weekend with him which feels very odd, but I am as sure as I can be that it was just talking. She says that she feels relieved to have talked things through with him and got things off her chest. This doesn't actually mean that she has completely decided to be with me - there is still some way to go.

I think she doubts my ability to recover from the infidelity and raise this child. I don't doubt it - but I am worried that it doesn't actually matter about the baby if we don't have a relationship! It must be positive that we have never stopped telling each other how much we love each other - and the very fact that we are still here and talking about it must mean something... but I know that part of her is still in love with the OM, and feels some sort of moral responsibility toward him as he is the father, and that she has reciprocated his love in the past so feels she owes him something. I know, I know, I am her husband so she owes me quite a lot too!

I also know that if it were not for the pregnancy we would be getting on with rebuilding things now. She has the best interests of the child to think of, as well as the prospect of everything going tits up and ending up as a single parent.

It sounds like I am more worried about her than me, but I have thought about this a lot. There have been times (this morning in fact) where I have thought that enough was enough and I was trying to formulate the 'closing speech' in my head. My W then called and we talked things through and by this afternoon I was back looking at information on adoption and rights of the Bio father...

However she can't keep the decision hanging on for too much longer or I feel that my self respect will drain away. I'm not sure when enough is enough - I guess I will know when I get there.

I can let her go - I just want to be sure that I have tried as hard as I can before I do.

Hope this makes sense...?

Thanks Bolts

It makes PERFECT sense. Truly. You're doin' great.

God be with you,
J

Thanks Jenny - you do start to wonder if you are losing your mind...! Some friends and family tell me and expect me to run for the hills! But they aren't in the middle of it...

Going to 12 week scan tomorrow - check for downs etc. Will be the first time I have actually seen it - I am excited about it in a funny way, although this could be fear!?