UKB,

I'm concerned that she's spending so much time w/OM (XOM?!). I hope she's not still fence-sitting?! Is it really over yet??? Other than that...

it's not so weird to be excited! It's still your *first child together*, kwim?! YOU get to share this. To some of us, pregnancy and babies are very exciting, miraculous events!

I don't mean to detract from the pain of the Affair...

Listen, I never thought I'd really *enjoy* the OC. I had very mixed and NAUSEOUS feelings when we lived long-distance and only heard about OC through her mother. We did not meet OC until we unexpectely got a transfer near her at 5yo. I felt ILL~

Through Joint Agreement we decided to slowly try visitation, and I've grown to really love this little person. She's a genuinely NEAT person in her own right!! I would like her if I didn't know whose child she was, kwim? And I'm very blessed that she treats ME in a loving manner, as your OC will eventually love you.

Not many step-moms are this lucky, because the mother often tries to poison their little minds against you... But YOU don't need to fear that. Biofather is a DONOR only. You can be THE Dad, and *DADS* are important!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> You get the whole Daddy Enchilada!

Don't let the A take away HAPPY moments, ok? It's okay if you're not happy, but enjoy when you are. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

You wife will (or should be!) SOOO grateful when you can share the joy/excitement/love that should be yours as a COUPLE!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Sharing that joy is great Plan A. Listen to other guys who walked your mile.

God bless you,
J
7y in recovery and glad I stayed

Hi Bolts

This is a very difficult situation, I admire the effort you are putting into your relationship. If your WW is telling the truth and putting the same effort in, your relationship will survive and flourish.

One bit I am worried about is WW's contact with OM, this is resulting in


You have to come up with a way of developing NC (non-contact). I realise this is complicated by the pregnancy, but your relationship with your WW, will be affected if she keeps seeing OM. You must wonder what is going on with they meet. Could she give up her job? Their continued meeting (regardless as to how innocent it may be) will ultimately have an effect on your marriage, it could kill the love you have for your WW.

I am from the UK as well, my WW went into withdrawl after NC, but she has come out the otherside and we are in recovery.

Good Luck

FreeAllAngels

Hi guys - went for the screening scan with my W yesterday and saw the little thing in black and white. Was not sure what my reaction was going to be. I was fascinated by what is going on inside my W, and felt an urge to just look after both of them. My W was emotional - remembering that she nearly had a termination. It does look very formed, even at the 11-12 week stage.

Everything was well with screening - apparently she has adjusted risk factor of a teenager, which made her feel good!

The issue now is that my W has difficulty believing that I really want to accept her and the baby and rebuild our marriage. She is obviously worried that my feelings may be temporary, so is concerned about hers and the baby's future. Maybe only some more time will convince her.

As for the OM, she has not seen him this week. I imagine that he has called her a few times. He wanted to go to the scan, but was not invited! I did ask W that if I didn't want to go would she have let him instead and she said no. We also got some photos of the scan, and I asked if she was sending any to him and she said absolutely not.

All this gives me hope for us - but at some point she has to make a final decision. I think she wants to commit to us, but is holding back due to some understandable doubts...

Hello all. It is nearly 2 months since my last posting and I find myself needing some advice again.

Things have progressed in some areas, and are standing still in others.

My W is still saying that she wants to be with me and have me raise the child as my own. But she has refused to do NC, saying that it might work for some people in books and on websites, but it is not how she can do it and that I should just be patient with her.

A few weeks back she had a very painful breakup with the OM. I was prepared for how upset she would be, and she really was! She was saying things like 'I feel I might have made a big mistake'. But after a few days she said that she had got through these feelings and was now clearing her head to start afresh with me.

Unfortunately she did not have the strength to ignore his text messages and phone calls and was soon in contact with him. She told me that she felt that she had to let him down more gently so that he could cope with losing his child to me. She said that she felt guilty about this and so I had to let her do things her way.

It turns out that he really wants to marry my wife and raise the child with her. While she tells me that this is not what she wants, I don't get the impression that she has actually told him!

She is still fence sitting. She insists that she is 99% in my direction but that she has some doubts.

These consist of the welfare of the child in the future. I have now accepted the reality of the situation properly - that my wife really is pregnant with another mans child, that he is interested in and would like to raise himself. My wife says that he has said that he will do whatever she wants, but that he has bonded with the child. He has pleaded with her not to cut hime out of its life completely.

Now I accept that it is right for the child to know that it has a different bio father, and that maybe it would be best in the long term for him to be included in some way. My wife has suggested informal access 3-4 times a year. I have said that I could cope with this as long as they are never alone together, and that ideally he visits with his current girlfriend (who is pregnant too). My W says that she feels that this is right, and that she can now move on.

But now she is insisting that his name be entered on the birth certificate. She says that it would be lying not to, and may confuse the child when it is older to not have a father entered on it. In the UK an unmarried father who is entered on the birth certificate automatically gets all the rights associated with being a parent called 'parental responsibilty'. This then means that I have to earn the right to be legally a father by doing the job for a couple of years before a court would grant me the same rights. My W says that the OM has said that he wants the rights, so that I can never take access away from him, but that he will never pursue more access or get in the way about decisions such as vaccination, schooling etc. He has also said that he would allow my adoption of the child.

I understandably have no reason to trust him.

Despite the legal aspects it also just seems wrong for him to be given all the rights without actually having to do anything. He is the bio father and nothing I can do will change that. If he wants the rights he can get them from a court. This would mean effort on his part, but this would at least show me that it is the child he is interested in and not just my W.

There is also the possibility that I am being a chump and that I might be about to get my heart rebroken. But I do believe that she wants to be with me - but just doesn't have the strength. She is still living with her parents, so still has the freedom to contact the OM whenever she wants. She just doesn't have the will power to stop.

She also seems to be afraid of burning her bridges and is scared of being on her own. Ideally she would like either me or the OM to make the decision for her. However we both love her and neither is prepared to let her go!

Sorry about long post - sometimes you need to splurge. It could be a whole lot longer I tell you!

Thanks, Bolts

UKBolts,

NC from the OM forever is a MUST if the marriage is to not only survive but to be rebuilt and I'm afraid that your WW is doing nothing of substance to help save/rebuild the marriage by her continual refusal to end all contact with the OM and her steadfastness in having the OM's name appear on the baby's birth certificate which would further cement his presence in your lives.

Not all marriages can and should be saved and you may want to do some serious soul searching and ask yourself if your marriage may be one of these. Are you sure that you are not indulging in wishful thinking?

TMCM

I am beginning to think that if my marriage was a sick horse I'd have put it out of its misery by now. Doesn't make it any easier to do when she still tells me how much she loves me. I just don't understand what is going on in her head. As she says, 'why would I be going through this if I didn't love you? If I wanted to be with him it would be very easy. He's there waiting.'

I really thought that we were nearly there... it's amazing what hurt people are capable of inflicting on the ones they love, and even more amazing how they manage to justify it to themselves.

UKBolts,

I will tell you this if she does put the OM's name on the birth certificate, and she has not ceased contact, then there is little chance your marriage will survive.

She is worried about OM, she is worried about herself, but she is NOT worried about you.

I think it is time that you explained to her as they say How the cow ate the cabbage. She will break contact with him, your name will be on the certificate, OR the marriage is over, because it is very unlikely that your marriage will survive what she is doing and plans to do.

You have should have boundaries in this. You are the aggrieved party and somehow you are expected to make all of the sacrifices. It is unlikely that he will marry your W, as his GF is also pregnant by him and that would mean leaving her. If he did not leave her, then you can be assured that his marriage to your then exW will wither and die.

Set your boundaries and stick with them. THat is my recommendation, and I think those boundaries should be NC, and your name on the birth certificate if in the UK the man on the Birth cerfticate is considered to have all of the rights of the married man.

Time to remove yourself from this drama and let her decide if she is coming with you or not. It will only get worse.

God Bless,

JL

Your W telling you she loves you has as much credibility as a man who constantly beats his W up yet tells her he loves her. None.

TMCM

bolts, ((((hugs)))
i saw your post yesterday and wanted to check on some stuff before responding.

i am sooo sorry your wife continues to put you through the ringer in this way. honestley sometimes i wish i could just take all these waandering spouses, line them up, and give them all a good slap until there sense returned!

your wife's behavior is unacceptable and i would really really urge you to listen to the good folks here and draw your line in the sand. i see you falling into the same pattern that i did, not stating my boundries, trying to be the good guy, and winding up so much more hurt and broken than i would have been if i had just stuck my ground.

what you have to realise and what took me nearly two years too in my own situation, is that at this point in time your wife is a taker. she will take and take and take until you are all dried up and have no more to give and then it will be over.

i know you want to keep your marriage and if there is anyway for you to do that i fully support you in it. i think that you can state your boundries to your wife without making it into a marriage ending confrontation but you do have to let her know that there are consequences, some of which she wont like.

finally, i checked with a friend of mine who is quite involved with "fathers rights" here in the UK. i wasnt sure she could put the om's name on the birth certificate. sadly it seems she can. but if she does give the om parental responsibility that does not preclude you from having it too. the new children's act means that both of you could have a legal connection to the baby and just because he might have parental responsibility doesnt mean he has an automatic right to contact.

it took my husband nearly 2 years to get parental responsbility for his daughter (the ow was unmarried, just wanted to have her cake and eat it too) and we are still fighting over visitation. one does not automatically entitle you to the other. all parental responsibility means is that in the event of an emergency you can make decisions and have your opinions taken into account on big decisions.

big hugs to you.

Carolyn