WH came by again last night and took me to dinner. Dinner was actually quite enjoyable. Came back to the house and ended up talking about SF. Crazy. Ended up sending him on his way because I wouldn't accept his "terms" - it's only sex for him, he "has" to go back to Grandma's to sleep, etc.

After thinking on everything a while I called WH. I originally was going to agree on his terms <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" /> but ended up having a long talk about our marriage instead.

WH seems to think I am not going to go back to MC and asked if I would. I said I would if for no other reason than to ask Dr. why, if he insists that he does not advocate D nor does he tell people what to do, why then did he tell WH to not move back in and make a "clean break" at WH's solo session? I told WH that I don't like the fact that decisions were made that affect MY life without me present. That this Dr. saw me 1 time and WH twice, how could he make an accurate assessment of what's fully happenening here? I told WH that I still believe in US, that I think it's very unfair of him to not give us a chance and to cut and run like this. No one knows what the future brings, but now, I'm being robbed of the chance to fight for what I believe in because of this Dr. Especially since 1 week ago WH was ready to move back in and had committed to trying to reconcile. I asked WH if he told that to MC, he said he had and that MC said it was a BAD IDEA!?!?! because WH has already "checked out" of the marriage. (Like no other WS has ever done THAT before - guilt can be very powerful in driving you down a path you may not want to go)

Anyway, a little over an hour goes by on the phone and WH decides that no major decisions will be made at least until we see MC the next time (which is in 2 weeks). I agreed to that.

So frustrating to have an MC who claims to have your interests at heart completely obliterate the positive steps you've made. GRrrrrrrrr!

Hello STWP,

Sorry I've not read your entire sitch, but a quick question - do you know if your H has agreed to and upheld NC? I'll explain why when I hear back from you.

Whisp - no, because he works with OW.

Sounds to me like you should dump the marriage counselor. Yikes! When couples separate, it increases the chance of divorce.

<bump>

Whisp-- you there? Curiousity is getting me <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

R U sure that is what the MC told him or is he using the MC to enable his A?

L.

No, Orchid, I don't know this for certain. But I will find out in 2 weeks when we go to see this MC together. I have every intention of questioning these things because before I continue with this Dr. I need some things clarified.

I'm so sick of all this, honestly. One moment I am ready to wash my hands of him and the next I'm calling him. Arrgghh!!

I know how you feel, so here is an {{{{mb hug}}}. It is a rollercoaster ride the BS gets put on without even buying a ticket. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> Not a pleasant ride and I certainly don't want to go on it again.

Now choosing to get off the ride is where we need to get you to. It will slow down. Like that hurricane the A comes out of nowhere but is temporary. The damage it does is devastating but can be rebuilt. It does take a lot of effort and know that most of the M recovery w/b in the hands of the Xws not the BS.

L.

Well, I have made an appt with an atty. I will see her next Wed. It's the first availablity she has and since of the 3 I've spoken with I like her the best, I'll wait.

Since WH has decided to wear his wedding ring on his other hand and I found out today that OW has insisted that WH and she either have adjoining rooms or they will share a room at an upcoming conference in November (they do work together), I figure it's time to throw in the towel.

I cannot continue to be beat up like this and still get back up. I realize November is months away, but it makes sense that he would only give our marriage a try for 3 mos if that is coming up. That way he can be free from any entanglements in his mind at least, and be free to fool around.

I am feeling defeated and down. I feel like I've tried so hard. I offered this man everything I have to give and he's thrown it all back in my face. I told him that too and that he has no idea how much that hurts.

Boy do I know that feeling of defeat. I've also given my WH every opportunity to make the right decision.

{{{{STWP}}}}

Please do what is right for you. You do not deserve to hurt like this. I'm sorry that I don't have good advice to offer but know that I do follow your situation and think of you often. I'll send you some good vibes.

THanks NW, that means a lot.

WH is trying to buy a used car now and is attempting to come up with the $1500 down payment. He may actually manage to beg or borrow the money but he told me that he needs a letter from me stating that he lives here and a copy of the cellular phone bill. Finally, he said when they call to verify his residence I am not supposed to tell them we aren't living in the same house.

I think I may simply say that I can't confirm or deny that until I speak with my lawyer. I have no intention of writing a letter stating he lives here when he does not. As for why he would need a copy of the cell phone bill when his name isn't even on it is beyond me, so he can forget that too. When I called to make the appt with the atty her paralegal told me that I could, in some cases, be held responsible for part of that debt of the used car. No freakin' way am I going to pay for that POS.

I am issuing my own NC with him. It's not Plan B, because at this point, I don't think there is anything he could do for me to allow him back.

Sorry to have made you wait ... the reason I ask is that even though my H and I are well into recovery now, our MC suggested that we remain separated for a little while longer. The reasoning being that during initial stages of recovery, both parties tend to do "anything and everything" to make the marriage work. This is due, typically, out of excitement of getting the WS back. What we don't think about is why the A happened in the first place. Yes, a very poor decision was made, but it's usually also because poor behaviors (unmet emotional needs) also existed that led to 1 spouse looking elsewhere to have those needs met.

And, if there is no incentive (meaning, with both spouses back under the same roof), then both can easily revert back to the same old, bad behaviors we had prior to the A, and both parties become frustrated and disappointed. During initial recovery, it's a fragile time. Frustration and disappointment can easily stall or even break the recovery process. The key here is that we need to make the changes/improvements into permanent behaviors, not temporary actions. It's been very effective for us.

With your husband not being able to uphold NC, that's a little different. I do know of people, like Suzet for example, who works with the OP, but has successfully maintained NC. The question is can your H? Because, as we all know, a successful recovery mandates complete NC.

Again, sorry to have kept you waiting.

STWP,

Here is a thread you and your H might find helpful:

Guidelines: How to do NC at work.

I have compiled the above thread because of my own situation. However, if your H’s circumstances is of such a nature that he have to work with the OW and sees her frequently, I can’t see how this situation can be resolved except if he quit his job and/or find another one.

Blessings,
Suzet

Thanks whisp and Suzet. Lots of valuable info there.

I'll go to this next MC session that is scheduled for 7/22 if for nothing else than to get clarification for ME.

In the meantime, WH has done a lot to show he is moving on. He is wearing his wedding ring on his other hand, he is spending more time with OW at work, he has made it clear to me that any time spent with me will only make it harder for me to "let go", etc. (Of course, he says this last one usually when he's WITH me :eyeroll: )

Me either, Suzet. He won't be leaving his job willingly any time soon and I don't see him getting fired because he is considered a "top performer" - so is OW for that matter.

The fact that WH has been telling co-workers that OW has insisted they share a room or have adjoining rooms at this upcoming conference as well as claiming his V.P. (whom I exposed to) says they make a cute couple, just plain hurts.

While I am certain in some instances marriages in this situation can be saved, mine is not one of them. It's not for lack of my trying though. I've gone about it all wrong though, that I'm sure of. I don't think it can be fixed at this point.

I figure that a clean break may be the only way now. It's not necessarily what I want, but I have to start accepting that that is what is going to happen. I have the ability to make it very ugly or make it tolerable. I might as well go out with what dignity I have left.

I completely broke down on Sunday night when he was here and I'm ashamed of myself for it. I tried to tell him that while he doesn't believe in himself, I do. That when he's weak, I'm strong and vice versa. Basically, I was trying to reason with him. Ridiculous I know. We even talked about the abortion I had several years ago and how we both thought it was what the other wanted and now we realize it was a HUGE mistake. (As if I needed more to feel terrible about)

I stopped wearing my wedding band yesterday. I feel like I'm running on autopilot right now. Just when I thought things couldn't get any worse, they up and do, dammit.


Signed -
Feeling like the bottom has dropped out and it's a long long way down...

STWP -

"While I am certain in some instances marriages in this situation can be saved, mine is not one of them."

This is definitely your decision to make, and whichever path you choose, your actions are justified and supported here. With that said, I want you to be very sure of it. As you can see here, many marriages have been salvaged from far worse scenarios. I'm sure I'm not helping by confusing the issue further, but at the same time, I don't want you to make a rash decision based on emotional reaction to your WH's A. If you could ask my H today, I know he'll say that it was worth the wait and that he was glad he let me go. He also said that he didn't think so at the time.

"I don't think it can be fixed at this point."

>Again, I wouldn't be so sure. If you only knew my story. I didn't think reconciliation was possible ... and that was just a couple of months ago!!!

Can I assume you've already tried Plan A & B?

STWP, I'm not here to give you false hopes, but rather let you know that there are other options and potential outcomes. Something to note is that what allowed me to start "seeing the light" is when I spent more time with the OM. I then began to truly see his flaws and short-comings. This is when fantasy turns into reality in an A.

As for the MC and reconciliation, it's basically useless so long as your H is still in contact w/ the OW.

My heart goes out to you, STWP. Please keep posting!

Whisp, I don't want a divorce, but he does. I really am lost right now. I thank you so much for your words but I just don't know what to do at this point.

Yes, I tried Plan A and screwed it up beautifully. Right now, I guess I'm in pseudo Plan B. I say pseudo because I haven't told him I'm doing it, I just am.

I have read Surviving an Affair and I have ordered His Needs, Her Needs, Love Busters and 5 Steps to Romantic Love which should be arriving tomorrow or Friday.

I just feel like we'll be divorced before the A is over. I know the OW is going through a D herself and is happily coaching him along the process.

I guess what I am saying is, if I am to survive here what do I do next??

There is one thing I could do that would probably get him fired but it would guarantee no future for us so I don't even consider it - though when things are crappy I sometimes fantasize about making his life a living hell and doing it.

You see, he's a convicted felon. They don't know it - never asked. But his felony is one of those things that, in this state anyway, they post on the web. The OW knows because he was scared I'd tell her (that's why he claims there is nothing b/w them now) and another of his coworkers knows because she did an internet search and voila! there it was. Both of them have agreed (well, I'm ASSUMING the OW agreed) to keep it quiet, but he is in a bit of a sitch with it now. If he makes OW upset she could possibly expose his secret, but I somehow doubt he's thought of that.

Also, there is one more thing. He's lied on his resume and said he has a 4-year degree when he does not. But I think lots of people do that, I don't really know. It's not like he's not doing the job so it probably doesn't matter either way.

The felony though would probably not bode too well with clients and such.

Wish there was a way to break them up. I hate the fact that WH and OW boss don't seem to care as long as production is met. I guess biz is biz right?

"if I am to survive here what do I do next??"

All I can tell you is what worked on me, and I am more STUBBORN than most! The answer for us was a good Plan B. My H didn't exactly come out and announce it either (frankly, because he didn't even know about MB and Plan B). He just stopped reaching out and allowing me to call every shot. He started to detach himself and learned to live without me. He started exercising, pursued new hobbies, found a new job and thus discovered ways to regain his self confidence and happiness. The best part (for him) was that he knew if worse came to worst, he would be OK because he was prepared - and he'll be a better person on the other side.

Oh, the best part was I DEFINITELY took notice!!! My respect and attraction for my H steadily grew. And BOOM! It hit me one day like a ton of bricks. Oh, and by the way, it was the day I went to the attorney's office to file for a D. I suddenly realized I was walking away from this amazing person who unconditionally loves me and is willing to change and improve to be a better person. For what? Some guy I've no future with who's less than half the man my H is going to be? I must be insane!

So, that is what I would recommend and wish for you too. You're right, not every M is salvageable - your H will have to want it too. But, if you do everything you can, at least you can walk away in good conscience knowing you've gave it your all, right?

It's still hard, no matter what. We'll be here for you!