I have posted before about my situation. I cuaght my W cheating two weeks ago. Since then we have talked and tried to work things out. I asked to cut off contact with om, but have no way of knowing if she has. I don't trust her anymore. She is saying weird things,like:" I never thought you would act jelously" or I never thought you would ask me to cut off contact with BF". I asked her to do this for a while because BF was an enabler in the affair. My w just does not see that. BF has also made advances on me in the past and my w just doesn't want to deal. she would just rather stay friends and avoid conflict with BF.
It seems like she just wants me to trust her after two weeks.
During the two weeks of reconciliation she has been moving farther away from me. All I am hearing is I don't feel the same way anymore. It's all so damn confusing. After 14 yearts together how could an encounter with a virtual stranger erase all that. we have been really happy up until a few months ago. We both shut down and she started an affair after a short trip with BF. I am letting her back in but she just closes me out. I really want to save my marriage.
Things are really complicated for me. I have very little and distant family. my w family has been my family for 14 years. If we seperate I have nothing. I not only lose a w ,but an entire family. My wife seems only wiling to work it out because of how her family would feel ,not because she wants me anymore.
Honestly people I don't feel I have anything to live for beyond my Marriage.

kdh - Well first, you need to have things to live for beyond your marriage. That is a must.

It sounds to me like your wife is still in contact with the OM. That is why she is talking so strangely, and moving away from you .

And she wants you to trust her after 2 weeks? That is completely crazy. It will take months of her taking action to work on the marriage before you can begin to even have a tiny bit of trust.

Consider the following:

1. Get a plan by
a. Read Surviving an AFfair - Dr W. Harley
b. Read His needs/Her needs - Dr Harley
c. Go to the concepts section above and take the
emotional needs questionnaire. Ask your W to do the same if she won't, you go do it anyway.
d. Call Jennifer C @ MB for some phone counseling. She will help get a plan going for whoever is willing to work with her.
e. Use the plan to improve yourself and learn to tell the difference when you W is talking vs the WS babbling. This is critical.

2. Expose to her family and ask for their support.

3. Build your personal support group. Don't have to tell all to all, enough so they can be there to give you support. This could include relatives, children, neighbors, co-workers, boss, doctor, grandparent, respected confidant, even your pet. These can help to different degrees.

4. Consider if you need STD testing. Tell your WS she needs t/d the same. Any sexual contact with the OP then with you make you vulernable to each person the OP has had sex with. This is a yucky piece of reality. Get tested.

5. Post here as needed.

6. You need t/d your homework on this and it starts with you.

7. Know you can't teach a WS anything.

8. Learn your legal rights.

9. Protect your finances. Many a WS go on a spending spree and create more chaos.

Remember the WS' primary goal is to break the BS' spirit. Often the WS paints the BS in a bad light in futile attempt to make themselves look like good WS. There is no such thing as a good WS. Not on this planet.

From what you posted, your W is still a WS, either in withdrawal or still having an EA or EA/PA. You w/b the butte of her pain until she is over this problem.

So take care of yourself.

L.

I only have myself to live for right now. I am just not sure that is enough. I feel completely alone. what is life if it is lonely all the time.
I just don't think she really understands the scope of what she has done or doing. she is all confused and I can't reach her no matter what I do. she says she wants to spend more time. yet she wants to go on a trip to sales conference and does not understand why that would bother me.She wants more sex. we have sex more often than normal last week and she feels it's abnormal. I can't get out of her what she wants from me. It's so damn frustrating.I try to be calm and have adult conversations,but i get little girl responses. She is 29 not 21 but behaves that way the last few months.
She just seems so wraped up in her own world (BF contact, my sudden jelousy, what she wants ect..)All I want is a chance to save a 14 year relationship.I know she is trying and it's only been 2 weeks,but I still feel as if she is getting away from me.I told her that I can't change her feelings it has to come from her heart.

U need a plan. Did you read my previous post? As for her, she is babbling and trying hard to make you out t/b the bad guy. See SF isn't all there is an R. But to an A, it is. EA part of the A is the harder part for recovery but the WS' won't admit that. In most cases, the EA goes on for a longer time than the PA.

U love your W but not the WS, right?

L.
L.

Yeah i hear you. I have done a lot of reading and planning.I even brought up counseling which my w agreed to. Feelings just come up out of nowhere. I guess right now I am just scared of being alone.I really do beleive contact w om stopped. she didn't really know him (4-5 days before affair).It was more of a "please notice whats happening"that was easily detectable than a deep emotional thing. Her family already knows and is not telling her what she wants to hear. I spoke with her last night and she feels that whatever decision she makes (stay or leave) will effect alot of other people. They know her leaving me because of feelings created under false pretenses is stupid. Anyway, thanks just trying to make it.

I certainly understand your fears. Know that the anticipation of being alone is greater than actually being alone. But it will take time for you to assimilate that thought due to being inundated with sooo much pain. Give yourself the time to get to that POV.

Of course her decision will affect people. That's why we have R's. Her statement was a blank one full of words that meant nothing new. Learn that those words were babble not sane thoughts.

What books have you read?

L.

I have just read articles on this site so far.
I'm sorry but I don't know what EA and PA and R are. I am still learning the acronyms.
I hear you about the babble. She seems to be trying to justify her feelings. I know that people in long term relationships lose spark sometimes and it feels like you are out of love when in fact you are just out of touch with those past feelings. Her maturity level is just a lot lower than mine. I hoped it would change over the years but it hasn't. She has grown up a bit but not enough.
She hit me with the "I love you but I am not in love with you" the other day.The last time I heard that it was from an 19 year old girl.I don't know some days it just seems futile.

kdh:

EA = Emotional affair
PA = physical affair
R = I think I have seen it used as both Relationship and Recovery

Thanks. I actually looked at other posts and figured it out. I was just a mess the other day.
We are looking for a pro marraige counselor. We are definetly trying to work it out and contact w om has stopped completely.I have to believe I caught this thing early enough for my own sanity.Our family and friends all have supported me 100% They are telling her that she is a fool to think there is better out there.My w has plenty of examples to look at. Her sister is divoced (7 years now) and been floating aimlessly ever since.Her BF is always saying that she wants a good man. But of course her behavior prevents that from happening.I am hoping my w will se the light.They both wish they had what she does so that helps. I am just hoping that counseling will bring her out of the fog.
Of course i don't trust her it's not like because she wrote a NC letter it guarantees NC. But guarantees don't exist in any relationship. Thank you all for the advice. I will continue to check back ofter on our progress. pray for us please.