Disney World was great. My H completely kept his word to give me and the kids a good time. I basically had no lovebusters, got teary one night, our 14 year old was very cranky for part of the trip. Regular family stuff. We picked up some new "codewords" that crack us all up. My H was very affectionate, considerate. I was Plan A & flexible. My H & I went out a couple nights, one night to Pleasure Island to the new year's eve party. We danced, kissed, bar-hopped. Big fun.<P>We got home last night. All tuckered out, we'd been up since 2 am our time. H not feeling well with sore throat. This morning Mr. Cool & Distant is back. I hate that guy. So, even though I haven't discussed it yet--a la Kat1--I think he'll go through with moving out. I'll go to Plan B. There were significant love deposits made this week, I think on both our parts.<P>Again, prayers are welcome.<P>I've tried to catch up on the board, but I'd love updates from my favorite people. Not naming names in case I would leave someone out. <P>------------------<BR>Lor<BR>"Do not get tired of doing what is right, for after awhile you will reap a harvest of blessings if you do not get discouraged and give up. (Gal 6:9)<P><BR>

Welcome Back Lor!<BR>I've been thinking of you!!!<BR>I'm glad you had fun. Those love deposits are important!<BR>Just hang in there! The prayers are always here you know!<BR>One day at a time!!!!!

Hi Lor, welcome back.<BR>I hope you enjoyed those good times. We need then for when things are not that nice.<BR>I think I posted this somewhere, but your post just reminded me of it.<BR>Last year, on the last weekend of the month( affair had started June and as you know discovered as it started ) and after many talks, and all I could think to get him to come back to earth, we went camping. We had already promissed the kids before all had started and we decided to keep the promise. There were a few problems ( which were of course blamed solely on me )at first. To start, it was a long weekend and we weren't booked, sot to make sure we could get a site the best thing was to go at least on thursday. That I could understand perfectly well. The problem was that if we did so, I would be stuck in the campground with no car, because he had to work thursday night and friday night, and on saturday during the day for a few hours and I don't even think he would make the effort to get there saturday, so I would have to hope to see him on maybe sunday afternoon and we would leave tuesday morning. It wasn't a nice alternative, specially because I could be sure that he and her would use that free time very nicely ( ), so I refused. I proposed we went to find a site on thursday, set up the tents, and then all be back with him. I would help him to do his saturday part-time on friday ( or rather early a.m. on saturday) and we could get there saturday morning and enjoy our camping trip. He didn't want to ( tss...tsss...plans dear?). Well after ironing out ( did I say arguing?)the problem we ended up booking for another campground closer, he arrange things with his part-time and we went friday afternoon and even arranged so we would only come back on wednesday afternoon( see how things can be solved if they want to?the problem is that many times they don't)<BR>ANyway we got there and years os practice together kicked back, everything was put up in no time, everything was arranged just the way we liked it, there wasn't even need to talk we were in the same wavelenght.We had a great time! Swimming, riding bikes, canoeing, hiking all the things we love. The kids were in cloud nine.During our stay he kept pointing to the things that needed replacement, the things we needed to buy for future camping trips, plans for other camping trips together...He was like the H I knew.We did have fun, and for those few days I think both of us forgot all the rest that was going on, we did!<BR>We came back - Oh well... the coming back...-the first night he was still all in his good H gear. Took us out for dinner, we talked nicely,great! My hopes went high. Ooops, too soon! The second day she paged him right at 7a.m.Although he stayed home ( he had arranged for a few days off work ) Mr. frozen and mean came back. And how! In a way, those really nice days did something to me that wasn't positive, all the hope made me think things were getting better, and not work as hard as I had been before. I was caught off guard. THings still went on, as you know, until the end of September, begining of October, but getting better slowly. I made sure never to sing victory before I was sure it was there. ANd was not caught off guard again even when good things seemed to be happening.<BR>In any case, Lor, do not give up, as you see even when it takes long we can still do it.<BR>Keep working on the plan you think is bestfor your situation, and do you best. <BR>Be on your guard but think positive also. <BR>Nothing is lost yet. And now he will have those nice times fresh in his memory too.<BR>Take care<BR>Kat<P>------------------<BR>Each and everyone of us is deserving of a kind word, a gentle thought, and the gift of understanding.

Hi, Lor,<P>Glad you had such a good time on your trip. Too bad "that guy you hate" is back! But you sound very calm & collected despite his re-appearance. Must be sad tho after a good time... I feel for you.<P>But the deposits in the love bank can only be a good thing. I don't think the great time you had together (as a couple and as a family) are lost on him... someday the life with OW will be very ordinary...and he will begin to compare it more fairly & realistically with yours. Don't know what your plans are time-wise, Lor, but our prayers are with you. Keep up the good work.<P>------------------<BR>~suse~<BR>Rome wasn't built in a day.<BR>

Hi Lor,<BR>Glad your trip to Disney was good.<P>Sorry that guy is back. You were on my silent prayer list in church this morning.<P>My only advise is not to even attempt plan B if your heart is not into it. Hopefully events will make it unnecessary to decide.<P>------------------<BR>Faith, Hope, Love Remain,<BR>but the greatest of these is Love.<BR>1 Corinthians 13:13

Hi Lor-<BR>I missed you, my friend. So glad you had a nice time. You deserved it.<BR>Sorry your h is being distant after such a nice time. It almost like when reality strikes, they don't know what to do.<BR>Im w. FHL, say on Plan A if you can. I am speaking from experience. Plan B is hell if you are not prepared.<BR>Sending you hugs and prayers. Hold on.<P><BR>Cheryl

Hi all. Thanks for everybody's well wishes & prayers. I've missed you all.<P>Kat, we've gone camping 3 times since the first time we separated, it is amazing how the roles pop up so easily. We had that with this trip too. He was the planner and "lead dog"--getting us going. I was the navigator and restroom finder. <P>I'm not going to set myself up for any hope--keeping my expectations LOW--but at noon my H decided to go to a sports bar to watch his football team play and invited me along. I've made it a practice this past year that when he invites me along for anything, I go. (meeting recreational need, something that I wasn't too good at when kids were smaller). I rooted for his team, high-fived on TDs, remembered players names & discussed plays... His team won and he seems to be in a great mood.<P>We got home & he shaved off the beard he grew while we were gone and I asked for a kiss with him clean-shaven and he complied very nicely .<P>I just finished our weeks worth of laundry--all 8 loads--so I'll wait to see if he starts packing...<P>I'm going to trust God on this one. I think I am ready for Plan B, if need be. Last spring we tried TORN ASUNDER's 90 day plan, only an abbreviated version of 6 weeks since he had a school to go to at the end of that time. I feel like I've gotten the other six weeks now and the 90 day plan promises that at the end the betrayed will be in a better position to let go and I feel some of that. Honestly, if my H has doubts about our marriage after these past 6 weeks (not to mention the other 16 1/2 months I've been doing something close to Plan A), there isn't anything I can do about how he feels. It is something within him. He's been treating me "as if" he loves me, we all know that's more than half the way.<P>At least I feel like he has tried and given me close to 100% effort these 6 weeks. If he now wants to leave again, the response coming up within me is "Don't let the door hit you on the behind on your way out." I haven't tried that yet & he won't expect it. With 5 separations I have experienced most everything else, from throwing up to "Go with God" , to a passionate kiss to wrapping myself around his leg to howling & crying "NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!! . Sometimes more than one of those at a time . <P><BR>Anyway, I did have a super trip. Left my problems at the door on the way and I don't feel too much like picking all of them up again.<BR>

Welcome Back Lor -<P>I'm so glad that things went so well for the trip and that he asked you along today!!! Way to go!!<P>You sound like you've got a good perspective on things for now - that's a great accomplishment.<P>Hope things continue on a lovebank depositing course for you!!<P>Your in my prayers.<P>Hugs,<P>Sheba<BR>

Lor my friend, you seem pretty calm and quite in control of yourself. That's good.<BR>I'm pretty sure that you'll be doing things right, no matter what needs to be done.<BR>Your H also seems to feel confortable with you, so maybe the only thing that is preventing him from staying is his decision to leave from before. Sometimes it happens.<BR>Just wait and see.<BR>Take care<BR>Kat<P>------------------<BR>Each and everyone of us is deserving of a kind word, a gentle thought, and the gift of understanding.

Well, I got a hitch in my giddyup last night. It's pretty amazing to come to this thread again and realize what a fast slide I took. <P>About 11:30 pm, when my H was entering his 4th hour on the computer--yes his football team won and he needed to celebrate with HIS online friends, but over 3 hours?--I went into the computer room and made him what should have been an attractive offer. He turned me down flat. I fell apart. I felt humiliated by his rejection, compounded by tiredness and 2 glasses of wine (probably part of the reason I made the advance in the first place--false courage). Still, I spoke in "I" messages, little if any lovebusters, except he hates it when I cry. I walked out of the room before I could do anymore damage. He went into his basement bedroom to sleep--he hasn't done that in probably 5 weeks.<P>I was waiting for him upstairs, when I realized he was planning to sleep downstairs, I went there. He said I could sleep with him there. I said that I wasn't ever going to sleep in that room again as he used that room as an alibi with her, telling her that we were separated within the house and he slept in the basement--even while I slept there with him.<P>He came upstairs to sleep.<P>I regrouped probably within 5 minutes, told him that several of my triggers had gone off today and I had been handling them, had come to him to make love to reassure myself and then didn't handle it well when he refused, as he has every right to do. He didn't say anything, but he put his arms around me and went right to sleep.<P>I guess I really thought that this trip would tip him one way or the other--either he'd leave or commit. I've lived with uncertainty for so long and I find that despite wanting to give him more time, I don't know if I can continue. I felt pretty calm these past 6 weeks because I knew he would stay through the trip.<P>I'm prepared for him to leave.<P>I guess his staying at this point is harder for me. I know I've felt like this before and persevered through the doubt and hurt. I know I deserve to sometimes feel bad (anger/hurt/humiliation/betrayed/vengeful), but it is like if I show any of that, he wants to bail. "This will never work." <P>I feel like I'm on a rock ledge with the choices of climbing a cliff or crossing a rickety, ruined, rope bridge and I can't stay where I am too long...<P><P>------------------<BR>Lor<BR>"Do not get tired of doing what is right, for after awhile you will reap a harvest of blessings if you do not get discouraged and give up. (Gal 6:9)<P><BR>

I understand how you feel and I think you understood your feelings and communicated them well.<P>However, it is probibly situations like this that makes H feel like he hurting you by being home and in the relationship. Instead of working through these things...he sees it as being stuck or being unpleasant and bails.<P>He seems to act on his feelings rather than on his convictions. I he didn't have love for you or nomally high standards he'd be long gone. I think he gets confused because he takes feelings, especially conflicting or unpleasant feelings, and gives them as much weight as his commitment or convictions.<P>Don't have any advise, just an observation which could of course be dead wrong.<P>------------------<BR>Faith, Hope, Love Remain,<BR>but the greatest of these is Love.<BR>1 Corinthians 13:13

As usual, FHL, I think you've got a good take on the situation. And he could very well use this one not-too-bad situation in 3 weeks as an excuse. My counselor has told me that if I am speaking truth not to worry. <P>My H has not responded to an email or to a phone message this morning, both were pretty light. I know I can't hunt him down like a dog, that never works. I just hate having had a good time and this crap popping up again. GRRRR!

Of course you should honestly communicate.<P>However, phone calls, e-mail? Remember your idea not to pursue but just to start living your own life?<P>------------------<BR>Faith, Hope, Love Remain,<BR>but the greatest of these is Love.<BR>1 Corinthians 13:13

Remember? Who me? All this AND utilizing the old memory banks? Golly, the next thing you'll be telling me is that I should be consistant .<P>I know, I was just going to send the one little email telling him how great he was this past weekend, apologizing for last night...and then he didn't respond, thus the phone call. He called me back after lunch. He's not feeling well, has a back-log of work...but it was good he called when he did, because that good looking guy was in my store again. And me without my wedding rings...not deliberate, I don't have on my watch or earrings either.