Recap on my story, Wh is currently deployed in Iraq having an A with a fellow soldier in his unit, OW seperated with kid. I havent exposed A to Command for fear of husbands future active duty and medical cov.

I had a talk with Wh last night and he said he wont leave OW unless she leaves him but he wont leave me, He threatened ME with his 9mm saying he would never let me leave him! I didnt think he was joking! He says OW ended it with him yeah right! But now i dont know what to do?
I love him so much and i know he would never hurt me @

Sorry any thoughts?

shouldI,

You must put your safety first and foremost, definitely before any need to expose.

Your post, as it stands, highlights six potential lethality factors. You're right. Your WH is not joking.

Your WH threatened your to kill you with a weapon. He should be taken seriously and considered to be very dangerous.

Anyone that expresses a right of ownership to your person, as if he is entitled to your obedience, should be considered dangerous.

If your WH feels betrayed, that is potentially enough justification for him to retaliate against you.

You need to find an advocate against domestic violence who is expert on counseling military wives at risk for being battered and/or killed.

This is scary stuff.

This is the only life you get. DO NOT think he would never hurt you. He has threatened your life and that puts you at risk.

Sally

Rename your thread. Ask for mililtary assistance. They have services setup to help families deal with these types of situations.

L.

Okay...this may be getting different. Here is your husband, who wants to cake eat and make veiled threats to keep you going along with it.

Time to call the command, ShouldI. Did you talk to him about him going to the command? If not, why not?

I think you said he was headed back on the 12th. So, you have to tell him what we talked about. That he must tell his commander when he gets back and that his commander is to contact you to let you know that he did so. That you will give him a week to fly back and to make this happen. If not, then you will go to the command yourself.

Find out what the deal is. If he leaves and wants to keep this stuff up, then you will inform the command and go to Plan B. We can help you with that. But find out what his deal is first.

In His arms.

Thank You!


I first asked WH if he would leave her OW. He said No, only if she leaves him which supoosedly she has but I doubt it.
I asked first is b/c if hes not willing to end it himself why fight for it(marriage)? He says we are too much alike and thats what makes it hard.

I clearly said if you dont end it yourself then I'll leave simple as that because im not going to play the threesome game! ( Recap on WH life as a child, his father had his OW for 25yrs, WH grew up watching his father verbally abuse his mom, spend nights with OW and come home to his mom, like as if nothing was wrong with it. My father in law left his OW maybe two years ago, when he was upset that OW confronted me at my workplace saying she raised my husband etc. My father in law loves me and found that to be disrespecting and they ended it.)

I havent confronted about telling Co because the fear of losing medical cov. DS 5 is going on anti-depressants b/c of WH absence and thats all I got. I terminated mine because of cutting expenses. Another is Wh hates confrontation and he ll do anything to avoid it ! He tries to do these mind trip games trying to turn things around like as if hes done nothing wrong but I ve gotten good at that game where Ill stand my ground.

This deployment has changed my WH alot hes become so aggressive. like if he has no heart, I know its in him to be kind but Im so afraid of what hes becoming. Ive heard what deployment has done but im afraid he wont seek counseling. WH suffers from anxiety even before deployment and now I honestly think he's going thru a depression. He wont seek meds because they ll take him off the field and put him at a desk job( he hates siting down). With him being here he has mailed over 6 liquor bottles over there to Iraq and now im afraid his cocaine use has gotten worse. He says it keeps him sane from thinking so much. This has gotten so much more difficult to bare.

We have till dec of 05 till he gets to come home for good, deployment will be done and over with, but with all this I know what I need to do but its SO hard to figure out which steps to take first.

Oh Orchid how do I rename the thread without starting a new one?

Cocaine use? SI...your husband does not belong in my Army!! Plain and simple. He has no honor AND he uses drugs. He is going to get someone killed.

And when he does, you will have known about it and done nothing about it. You will let your husband continue to hurt you, your kids, himself...and he will get someone else hurt. All because you want to avoid conflict.

Just because he has no honor, does not mean you dont have honor. You must contact his command. Lives are at stake with a man that is out of control. He believes he can have and do anythign he wants. That there are nto any rules. He could have a urinalysis any day now, and he would go to jail and his career would be over.

The ONLY way out now is that your husband goes to his command...or you do. Other than that, people are going to get hurt and someone may die.

This is not just your family now, SI. There are other families out there depending on your husband doing the right things. And your husband is not someone to depend on.

Can they depend on you to do the right thing? Do it now, before you regret not speaking up.

In His arms.

Ok I spoke to husband and he clearly said he was going to his command and request a transfer, which he said he doubts they would allow it since hes tried it before and has been denied. He basically said you can let me do it or you can it doesnt matter do what you want and just remember if anything happens to me youll have to be the one to explain to our kids the reasons why?

Ok, now hes trying to do reverse babble on me?

He is going to have to tell them why he wants a transfer. He has got to tell them the truth about why he needs a transfer, not just can I get a transfer!

I just went back and read...cocaine??? Your husband needs to be exposed to his command NOW and he needs to be discharged immediately! He can not go into combat. He is risking the lives of his fellow soldiers. Where does he get cocaine in Iraq? When he gets caught through a random drug test, and he will, then his career is over anyway and he will go to jail!!!!

Please for the sake of his fellow soldiers turn your husband in for drug use. You will be saving his life and the lives of others!

okay prior milatary here. he needs to admit to command that he has a drug problem. this will prevent him getting popped with a suprize urine screen. if he requests treatment they cannot hold it against him. they will send him to treatment and transfer him. this has happened to a lot of war time vets he may be suffering from post tramatic stress syndrome. this can make him unpredictiable. he needs to seek treatment now. self admission is a get out of trouble before you are caught card. do this soon. he does not need to return to iraq in this condition.

He has returned and now on his way back. Ive talked to him about his problem and he says it was only a one time use, it was available and he took the opportunity. <what!> Ok I can understand liquor being smuggled into the troops but drugs? He wouldnt admit to where he was supplied the drugs in Iraq and he said im sure they wouldnt risk sending that again. For some reaon with his behavior and actions im not so sure anymore.

I know thats what hes afraid of if he admits to the A and requests a transfer he will be repromanded < like he said just to shut the wives up!> and would probably be moved and IG would investigate further into the situation and of course find out the drug use! I basically told him its not a game anymore its your life and others your risking. He said it didnt matter since their unit is no longer working and has no missions till they get sent back. Which worries me more, his drug, liquor use and more time with OW.

Could depression be a factor that hes not thinking straight? Ive never had to deal with this issue before I know he does have alot on his plate and blames himself for alot of things. Like the A, DS depression, being mr. fix it for his families problems etc. Hes even talked about suicide which scares me knowing he carries loaded weapons around 24/7. Military has been his life, yes I do understand that in his situation there is no honor but its all hes know that hes been proud of. All he would respond to me was I cant believe you would turn your back on me, and you dont get the military do you?

Ok, I do know what im supposed to do but what steps and how should I approach this? I dont want to ruin him totally or my family?

Sounds like he is making excuses so you don't go and ruin his A & D party.

Ask Mortorman but IMHO, he s/b reported immediately. Whether his unit is active or not, they c/b and then what? Better the command know and deal with the issues instead of it being kept from them and they make a bad decision based on lack of info. Like when the public knows who commited the crime but refuse to testify.

L.

As was told to you above, if your husband walks into his commander, tells about the drug usage and about the affair, he WILL NOT be prosecuted. If he is caught, he WILL be prosecuted. I am a former IG and I can tell you, this boy will NOT make it through the next 6 months. He is going to get caught, or get someone killed. And dont believe that malarchy about "we're over there with nothing to do for 6 months." Yeah, right.

When he gets caught, there will be an IG investigation, your husband will go to jail, and his commanders will be relieved of command. SI, we are trying to fight a war here and your husband will take a lot of people down if he does not do what an honorable man would do. As was told to you above, if he goes and admits what he has done (affair and drugs) to his commander, he will not get in trouble. He will get help for the drugs, and he wil lget that transfer...or at the very least, the command will order both him and OW to cease all contact with each other (under the penalty of jail time for disobeying a direct order). I cannot say this loud enough...as a former IG, I can tell you...HE IS GOING TO GET CAUGHT! He has one chance to do the right thing, to save his butt...and protect those around him (including you).

Malarchy. They will be working their butts off over there. But, there is a problem there. As a matter of fact, I would make a very good guess right now that the IG is already investigating illegal activity at the base anyway. There isnt much we IGs dont know. So, as I said...it is only a matter of time now.

Sure depression can be a part of this. All the more reason to get him to see that he must this week, right after he gets back, notify his commander. He has threatened suicide?? Do you think that there are other families out there that want their sons and daughters following a guy like your husband, a man of no honor and unstable? Come on. If your husband was working for a man like that, you would be screaming all the way to the President to get that guy out of there. SI, he is going to get in trouble or someone is going to get hurt. I am not just saying this. I want to say again, I had over 20 years in the Army (I retired last year) and over 4 years as an IG. I saw it all. Shoot, the unit I was the first sergeant for is scheduled to return fro mAfghanistan at the end of this week after a year deployment. I trained all of those guys. And they had made it all the way thru with no serious injuries. Then a month ago, a kid in the unit heard from home that his girlfriend had found someone else...so the soldier went to his quarters, took out his 9mm pistol and blew his brains out. You want more? How about 6 years ago, I had a private working for me. His girlfriend left him for another guy. He shows up to field training and while out there, all the guys were messing around practicing knot tying. One of my sergeants shows everyone how to make a hangman's noose. Four hours after we returned from the field, I am called by the police to come to this kid's home because he had hung himself. Are you listening SI??? This is SERIOUS! You must send him an email.I will outline an email message to him below. You must do this. Your family, your husband and other lives depend on you getting thru to him.

I get the military. And right now, your husband does not belong in my Army. Can that change? Sure. But he is going to have to reach down and grab a pair and be a man for once...not a kid like he is acting like now. The person that doesnt understand military life is your husband. As I heard in a movie once, we (the military) live in a world where we must obey orders, or people die. Your husband is handpicking the orders he wants to obey. The last I checked the UCMJ, drug usage and extramarital affairs was against the law. And last time I checked, alcohol was banned from the bases in Iraq by the Commanding General. Who do he thinks he is that he can obey or disobey whatever order he wants? No, your husband does not understand the military. But I do. And the military is VERY GOOD at finding out those that dont fit in and getting rid of them. If your husband has any sense of honor, if he is to EVER make it as a soldier, he has one shot here. The Army has provided him a way out of his mess. But he must now be a man and step forward. Because if they find out on their own, then God help him.

I know you dont want to ruin him or your family. But it is your husband that is ruining himself and his family. And if you do not convince him to do this, or if you do not report him yourself...then you will have put your personal needs above the lives of those men and women in Iraq. Remember, the Lord will always be there and help those that do the right thing.

Here is an email you can send to your husband from me:



In His arms.

Well thanks Mortarman for summing up all this info to WS.

When I spoke to him about it, he kept asking me where I got my info, I explained MB website which I have before! Well he kept saying how can you sell me out to a former IG, its like talking to a former CIA , they are still obligated to give info they have. How can you sell me out? I basically answered I didnt sell you out, Im finding help for you! The ball was left in his court when he left and I did give him a week to get things right, If he wont leave me then he has to end it with her and theres no going back to "friends". I let him know whats more imprtant to you? Her ? or your family?

Ive talked to him since then and he acts like nothings wrong! Saying the usual I love you's , hang in there for us and our kids!

Mortarman I emailed the letter to WH and lets see what his answer is, or what he decides. Im sure he'll be mad but he'll get over it , hopefully he'll eventually understand that Im trying to save my marriage.

Mortarman, I'm just curious about something. If someone in the armed forces has an adulterous affair, they are breaking the law? If so, what is the likely consequence of that? Honorable discharge? Dishonorable discharge? Court Martial? Just curious. Thank you.

Good for you. Yes, as a former IG, I am technically always one and held to the same code. But, I dont know enough about you that I would be able to report. And we will keep it that way. I would rather see you save your marriage and your husband become the soldier he could be.

But make no mistake...if he doesnt do a 180 soon, someone is going to step in (because believe me, people know) and he will never recover.

Good job. Let us know what happens.

In His arms.

It depends. Court martial definitely for relationships that also include subordinates. Sometimes, it is an added charge, if there are other things going on (like this guy's drug usage). And then he would probably be busted by the commander, reduced in rank and discharged (dishonorable).

Just a standard adultery case? In most cases, the command will order the soldier to have no further contact with the OP until they are divorced. Should they disobey that order, then we go back to what I said above about multiple charges.

Many commanders sweep things like this under the rug because they have more important fish to fry. But when faced with a possible IG investigation, they will hammer the WS. If the BS goes to the command and tells them what he/she expects, the commander will act because he does not want that IG on his butt (and probing around other things in his command).

Should SI's husband disclose the affair and drug usage to his command, he would most likely be ordered not to see OW and to attend drug counseling. He would also be put under periodic drug tests to make sure he is clean.

On the issue of the alcohol and drugs, if he participated, that is one thing. If he supplied these items, then he will probably be charged, even if he goes to the command first (although telling them first will make things go a whole lot better for the soldier).

If an NCO or officer supplies his/her troops with drugs or alcohol or allowed them to participate in those activities, he/she almost certainly will be busted, no matter what. But again, it would be better if they came to the command first.

So, the big answer is "it depends." But I do know that if the soldier stays (or is allowed to stay), the affair and the alcohol and drug usage will stop immediately. The Army is very good on making sure he complies. That commander does not want his career ended by some sergeant that cant control himself like a man.

In His arms.

I am praying for an 180 also. I just hope he can realize that his family will always be there for him no matter what. Can he say the same for OW?

He should arrive sometime today and hopefully he'll let me know he got there safe and had enough time to think things over on the flight!

Again, I couldt thank you enough Mortarman! I guess we all need the nudge to move us to the right direction. I will keep you guys posted!

? on the OW, does anyone know just how long can the OW handle being the OW? It just boggles my mind on how someone can settle for just being the OP?