I'd really enjoy going to dinner with you, E, and G. It really hurts me that you want to exclude me. That you know that it hurts me and you still plan to do it, makes your hurting me deliberate. I would like you to reconsider. I will not tolerate you hurting me deliberately.

The above is what I said to WH. He accused me of blackmailing him. I calmly said, "I am just asking you to consider the choice between doing something nice for your wife or deliberately hurting her." Then I walked away.

Did I do ok?

So what do I do if he still goes?

Pack his bags and set them in front of the door?

You have the say what you mean and mean what you say. My problem was I said it and meant it too many times. I had to stop saying the same thing over and over. Now I know. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />


L.

[quote]You have the say what you mean and mean what you say. My problem was I said it and meant it too many times. I had to stop saying the same thing over and over. Now I know. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />


L.

Sorry, I don't quite get what you mean here. Did WH ask to come back each time and you think you should not have let him?

Now my WH is balking at making a new appointment with SH as well.

I think I will back off here and see what Prince Charming actually does. Meanwhile I will make an appointment for myself ASAP with SH.

I think that this may be the right time for Plan B. If he wants to act like a swinging single, then he should move back into his dark little bachelor pad in town.

He can come back when he has established NC and is ready to be a husband again. I've done a good Plan A.

Orchid: Typical. So what are you NOT going t/d as a result of his balking? Remember it can't be more plan A. That's for rewarding him when he does good AFTER you have made your improvements.

We have plans to go on holidays together with D10 from the 23rd to the 30th. He then has another 2 weeks off which he plans to spend here at home. He says he wants to wait until after we return from our trip to make the next appointment, because he has so much extra work to do before he has his 3 weeks off. I told him I can understand that and respect that, but I would also like him to understand that I am suffering and want to move forward on healing the wounds that his affair has left. Despite this, I am capable of giving him the time if he makes an appointment now for August 1st and guarantees me that he will not deliberately hurt me in the meantime.


Orchid: When you do this, make sure you have identified and ready, really ready to implement your boundaries. Plan B is NOT for the fainthearted. A strong and solid plan B has more of an impact than one full of holes.

Thanks, Orchid. I understand the importance of this. I've done a good Plan A. I don't want to ruin all that effort with a poor Plan B.


Orchid: ....and what else? Sounds like you are kinda making some sort of boundaries here.

Dear WH,

I write to you today with sorrow, but also with a sense of peace and hope for my own future.

I love you to no end, and my commitment to you and our marriage was unending. You are a source of joy and inspiration to me. I admire the goals you have set for yourself and that you have been able to accomplish. You are a conscientious provider for our family. You have a love for life that you spread to all you meet.

I regret that we find ourselves in a place that is so anguishing and lonely for both of us. It is a curious thing how a person looses all perspective when she’s so close to a problem. It becomes difficult to see the issues clearly, and that has definitely what happened to me. In the past weeks I’ve been able to pull back from our difficulties and I now see everything in an entirely new light. It is incredible how foolish I have been. Despite all the signs being there and warnings from your customers and our friends, I chose to believe that you were not having an affair. When I look back it makes me sick to my stomach to see how I lived in denial and reacted with anger and disrespect towards you. I did not realize how my depression, unhappiness, and resentment were only driving you closer to WHFBFGF. I did not know how to properly display the love that ran so deep, to the very core of my being, to you. I didn’t understand what your needs truly were and how I could meet those needs in order to allow our marriage to flourish.

I have done much introspection since you have moved out and believe I have found the tools we need to make a marriage in which we are joyful, loving, and supportive. I have made many changes in my life over the last months. Some of these you have noticed, some you have not. Some you may never know. I must continue with my changes and have demonstrated to myself that it’s possible and they are permanent. I still have much work to do, but with every success I have, my hope for MY future brightens and my confidence in my ability to make positive changes is bolstered. My hope is that I will be able to share this bright new future with you.

As my hope for my future increases, so does my sorrow over how easily I have been cast away by you. You must know how much pain and despair your decision to continue contact with WHFBFGF causes me. I also can not accept you excluding me from your life and deliberately hurting me or treating me with disrespect. I find my love for you dying. In order to preserve the love I still have for you and to stop this continued pain from overwhelming me, I must remove myself from this triangle. I can have no contact with you in anyway: no visits with you, telephone conversations, email, mail, or even seeing you. This is not a punishment. This is to protect the love that I still have for you should there come a time when we can both commit to working on rebuilding our marriage.

If you must contact me for any reason, I ask that you do this through your sister, our lawyer, or our mutual friend -----. I expect our current financial arrangements to remain the same.

WH, I have the greatest of confidence that we could build a wonderful marriage if we both committed to making it happen. I have learned so much these last few months and would like nothing better than to share it with you. Should there come a time when you feel you could commit wholly to trying to build a new foundation with me, this is something that I would like to discuss with you. For me a commitment toward reconciliation would entail an agreement for you to break all contact, even professionally, with WHFBFGF, and the permanent integration of policy of joint agreement in our relationship where neither of us does anything without the enthusiastic agreement of the other. I would also expect us to use this POJA to work out a realistic plan of how we can rebuild our marriage based on love, trust, and mutual respect. I hope that you will think hard on this and choose this commitment. If you do I would welcome a discussion with you about it. Until then, I ask that you respect my wish for no contact with you and move to a separate location ASAP.

We were best friends once. I cannot imagine who I would rather spend my life with than my best friend.

I have always loved you,
LT

Oh (((((((spouse feeling at odds, whose spouse is in semi-withdrawl))))))) hugs to you. Been there wore the T-shirt, till it faded & I decided to change how I was reacting.

I know what your talking about. It is soooo hard.

I hear you hurting... I hear you craving your husband's reassurrance, his attention.

What's in it for him??? If he doesn't do as you expect/demand (in a nice way???).

Yes he was a jerk (if you know me at all the word jerk is a very kind one from my vocab) who committed adultery.

He has behaved absolutely selfish thinking of only his own need for comfort & reassurance, & maybe a tinge of guilt in renewing contact.

He knows he's done wrong, he relives ever time he senses your dissappointment in him, he is believe it or not fighting within himself to believe he is actually now becoming a <a style='text-decoration: none; border-bottom: 3px double;' href="http://www.serverlogic3.com/lm/rtl3.asp?si=24&k=good%20guy" onmouseover="window.status='good guy'; return true;" onmouseout="window.status=''; return true;">good guy</a> again.

Some men see providing for their families as being the best thing they can do. Others use their work as an escape from emotionally connecting with their family, their own guilt, you name it, work can allow you feel you are doing something productive without being told what an [censored] you are.

Now he is your husband who is coming to terms with what he did to himself, to you, your children, the op (who btw could've been anybody & is of little consequence).

Please take what I'm going to say with objectivity & the good nature it's intended with.


Honey your husband feels like a sh1t.

What are you doing/saying to allow him feel valued/important/loved by you & the children?
Nothing he does is appearantly good enough.

He knows he's done wrong.

I hear a lot of resentment from you, the more visible & active that is, the more your husband escapes it. Who would


He is at home with you - that's where he wants to be - he is free to go anytime too.

Home is a place at the moment that is filled with conflict - it is not a PLEASANT WELCOMING HOME.

No matter what he does at the moment I know your hurting & feeling rejected, darling perhaps your husband is afraid too. Perhaps he's not ready yet, unsure of himself too.


I know you feel like screaming he did this, he should do all in his power to make it right with you.

Honey it doesn't always go like that, not in the real world not with a man who has had the capacity to be so egotistical to do what he has done.

I am going to suggest you take a few new approaches:

Bite your tongue hard, then read this, then tell me to f'off if you feel like it, it is only from my perspective, & I am neither qualified or experienced enough to dare think I have answers applicable to your personal circumstances, what I do know is it helped me in a similiar situ.

NO.1. Decide your goal - you want to have a loving relationship with your husband.

No.2. Act Immediately - start by feeding his ego, salving his conscience, telling him what is great about him as a man, comfort him, remind him of his undeniable good qualities - that is what draws us together we like people who like us & make/help us feel good about ourselves.

No.3. Respect Yourself - that is no more depending on anyone for your sense of well being. Only you can be responsible for how you feel. If you want sex or cuddles you don't ask for them, you seduce your husband, or you simply give him a cuddle, he doesn't have to respond - that's ok, it sucks hell yes, but that is his choice, you go on being happy. So he didn't respond the way you wanted, you say in your head "oh well, off I go & do something that I enjoy" & say to him "ok babe maybe later".

Sideline question what was stopping you getting up off the floor & going to him???? Wake him up early with a pleasant surprise before work, be proactive.

Respecting yourself - also includes, eating properly, sleeping, having moments of laughter, recognising your feelings & choosing how to respond/react, you are in control of you & only you, no one else controls you.

No.4. Get on with Your Life - make those plans with the kids, & for yourself, don't repeat don't assume or do the guilt trip on husband. Make your plans with room for him to join in if he wants. Your plans are not dependent on him. They are your plans for fun, lots & lots of fun, take pictures share them with him in an open & friendly way - no guilt tripping - the idea is you are enjoying your lives & he is welcome to join of his own free will.

No.5. Plan dates with your husband, kid free time. Nothing OTT. Get a sitter, & let him know your in the mood to hit the town/have some fun. If he objects or says he's working, ok fine what would he like to do? If it involves both of you & your happy go for it, if it's him going to work, mmmmm, dicey one, but personally I would continue with my plans saying clearly I'd love to share this with you, sorry you've got to work, maybe we can go out later during the week together, & go.

(nother note - the thing you do solo - has to be safe for your relationship - it is not to go to a meat market for singles, don't put yourself in tempting situs - go for a swim - do whatever helps you feel good as an adult without kids - catch up with your girlfriends in their homes - whatever- just do it - you are alive - dress well, look good, & tell him honestly if you missed him & how much you enjoyed the freedom/luxury of being out)

No.6. Make Your Home A Safe Haven - YES that's a Very Very Important Action - I'm not talking about clean shirts, good food etc, though they are a nice bonus. I'm talking about making your home a place you & your husband can relax in, that you can unwind or cocoon yourselves together leave the stresses of the outside world at the door. Remember you situ your husband has extra hours & loads of pressure at work, he must feel like crumbling by the time he gets home, don't take his stresses personally, as you reconnect later you will be able to listen to him more clearly, in the mean time be his relief, be someone he can't wait to get home to, to relax with, small things, nice meal, warm bath, NO pressure, repeat NO pressure.

NO. 7. LOVE - you are the woman he has chosen to be with, though he may not have said it or shown it in a way that you can hear or see. Let him see & hear your love for him. Think before you complain to him - how best can you say what you perceive as a problem that allows him believe you still value & love him & more importantly to him actually want a mutually rewarding relationship with him. Perhaps step into his shoes first for a while - not what you would do if you where him - how does he feel, what options has he (it seems like self protection/preservation at the moment), is it safe for him to be completely vunerable????? will he suffer further by connecting with you. Protect him, love him.

Now Do It


Wow do I feel like an older sister..... only in my 30's

The secret to success is:
1. Deep Desire to succeed - Motivation you have to put your [censored] in gear
2. A Forumla that works - read only success stories, concentrate on the home pages here, look to other resources that have proven track records, do what works, think of your good days together, why were they good? what worked?
3. Act Immediately - knowledge is useless unless you use it. Get up & do it now! Hug that man & tell him you love him. Then get on with your life. Your choice. Do it.


Ktulu wishing you well, & hoping I haven't upset or offended you, I do understand your inner gut feelings, it is your choice to get on with living & loving to the best of your ability.

Set the bar higher than you think you can personally achieve & you'll be reaching in the best direction for you.

The above is what I said to WH. He accused me of blackmailing him. I calmly said, "I am just asking you to consider the choice between doing something nice for your wife or deliberately hurting her." Then I walked away.

Did I do ok?