I have only posted here a few times, mainly the first one because I allowed myself to talk frequently to another male, and was 2x4'd by those thinking it was a EA. anyway not the point, there is no more contact with this other person, however here is my question that has been haunting me for some time now. I feel emotionally withdrawn from my H- more and more as time has gone on since his A. I am no longer attracted to him- not that he is not handsome because my goodness he is (just ask the loads of females that flock to him <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />) I just can not take the way he treats me any longer. there is no respect or consisderation, it is like I am a built in babysitter, housekeeper, money maker, and occasional sex toy and that is all for him. I am seeing him more like a room mate. I am NOT looking to cheat on my H, however I am wondering if there is anyway to get back feelings for him. I have tried talking to him about things and he says this is how he is to deal with it <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />. Honestly I do not know how much longer I can stay in this marriage at it's current state. Please help.

I often felt that way towards my H and acted pretty cold towards him as a result. Now I regret that, b/c obviously I was taking him for granted. I could treat him coldly and felt that I did not need him or was no longer attracted to him b/c deep down inside I BELIEVED he would always be in love with me. Now H says he does not love me anymore, I feel really sad and scared and regret how my mind was working back then.

I am not sure if you have the same mindset, but I would not do anything in rush.

Thanks for responding Milkshake. I do not feel I take advantage of my H, however maybe he feels I do. I will ask him when he gets home. I feel taken advantage of, and perhaps that I why I feel more like a roommate/slave instead of a wife/partner. Perhaps even in his eyes another child to boss around. I could really use some advice as to what I can do to try and build mutual respect to rebuild my marriage

Well, YOU NEED to let your F Wayward Hubby KNOW EVERYTHING of what you are feeling. Tell him these exact words untill he is FORCED to deal with them. These things and kind of feelings and thoughts you are having can and probably steamroll into a full blown affair. You are "ripe" for the pickings. Sorry to be blunt. BS rhetoric is not my forte.

Just because your Wayward is no longer cheating does not mean the marriage is going to be fixed. He is OBVIOUSLY not doing the things that he should be doing to make you want to be in this marriage (and are you honestly?). Please spell all of this out for him before you do something that makes him go from a FWH to a BS. Now, what you do is completely your doing, but you are treading dangeroulsy close to the mendoza line and the fact that your wayard treats you like cow dung is all of the rationalization that you will need to have an affair. Give the sad sack a chance to right this ship.

BOL,

Sour...............

Hi Lemonman- Thanks for posting to me. I have tried telling My FWH these things, but never so blunt- maybe that is what I NEED to do.

In the past when I have tried to talk to H about my feelings and how I would perfer to be treated, be just tells me that is who he is and how he is and to "get use to it" I have tried to "get use to it" or accept it and I can not. It angers me now and hurts my feelings. I sometimes feel I made the wrong decision accepting him back, that I might have been better off in the long run if we stayed on the "D" plan.

You are right I am not doing everything I should be doing to make this marriage the best it could be. I can honestly say that I use to but I got tired of going down a one way road so I guess I let up some and that is no excuse.

I did try talking with H today about the need for mutual attention when we SF, that I NEED him to appear interested and attracted to me, touch me, kiss me- not just cover his face with a pillow and ask for a BJ or something similar. I tried to kiss his neck and ear today and he backed away, again looking downward, so I got up and went and got pull-ups and lunch at the store- hurt and humiliated.

Nor should you. While obviously not a popular answer here, perhaps your WH is just "telling you the truth". Maybe you do have to accept this. Maybe this "is who he is". I know that many hate to hear that, but if he has been like this for many years, than maybe he is right, and you just "have to accept" it IF YOU WANT TO STAY MARRIED TO HIM.

Do you want to be right, or stay married?

Now, I don't know the true answer to these questions about him, but I do know that you CANNOT change him no matter what. You can't expect that some mysterious calling is going to come over him and he is going to want to be a good H and father. None of that stuff happens in reality. I love the "aliens" just as much as the next guy, but they are probable not gonna answer "when you phone home". People change when they want to change. It doesn't happen a second sooner.

You should do the things in your life that you need to be happy. I don't know what those "things" are ( only you can honestly answer that), but CLEARLY you are NOT doing them now, becasue you seem for lack of a better word.........MISERABLE.

I don't purport to have the answers. If I did, perhaps I could make the money this great website's founder makes.

BOL,

Sour.........................

I am not sure I even belong on this site anymore. As I am not even sure that I want to save this marriage any longer- at least not in this current state. In my honest opinion I have tried everything feisable and even more to try and make my H happy and this marriage work, and it only works for a few days, and then H is mad about something little all over again. EVERYthing that happens in this house is my fault, everything I do is stupid or wrong. I feel badly however I feel that we either need to [color:"pink"] seperate or divorce [/color] I just can not continue down this path, I need something more. However saying that it goes against everything this site stands for, everything I vowed to up hold. I feel guilty even thinking about it, so than I try more, or bite my tongue, however enough is enough...you know?

I have told H before that I think we should seperate again, because things are just not right, he gets mad, and either leaves for a few hours (this conversation is usually late at night after the children are asleep) or goes to sleep and gets up the next morning like the conversation never happened and is all nice and loving, and I fall for it [color:"blue"] EVERY TIME <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> [/color]

This is a VERY powerful statement that I agree with, as the old me HAD to be right, and HAD to get my point accross. I realized through all our ordeals that it doesn't matter if I am right, because what is right for me might not be right to him...and pushing that isn't always the best thing. And this statment also works on my husbands side too - both of us ALWAYS had to be right, made for long fights, as we had to have the last word and get our points made.

We now are working on accepting our differences...that we both think, feel and have different ideas on what we feel is the right way to do things, and oddly enough it isn't pushing us apart, it's pulling us together...

Accept yourself for who you are, accept him for who he is, and don't look at the nots, look at the haves.

I do not care all that much about being right, just being safe, and happy. Right now I worry constantly about H's mood and what it will bring each day, and I want to feel loved and appriciated, I do not mind doing all the housework, working full time and taking care of the kids, I am a person that needs the affection and attention from my spouse, and I have not been getting now for almost a year. I am thinking that is why I keep fixateing on Divorce, however I know the grass is not always greener on the other side, and I can not imagine like with out him by my side as I love him so much and we have 9.5 years into this. I am SO confused.

Have you guys gone to councelling? If this is something you need, but he can't provide - then I think LM's post is very valid - do you want what you need or do you want to be married. If he can't or is unwilling to give these things, can you live without them and be happy?

Also wanted to add, that I was the WS first, then a BS.

The feelings you are having are identical to mine before I met the OP and made the poor choice of having an affair - they are dangerous feelings.

Has your H read his needs/her needs - have you REALLY shown him how important these things are to you, or have you done like I did in the past - hinted at them, but when he argued or didn't respond, backed down.

Take action before you head down a poor road...make it clear to him these are what you need - make it clear to him, don't assume he will get it cause it is clear to you.

I was really thinking about this post now for a bit and so wanted to post a bit more.

I think LM sees the danger you are in like I do. I wasn't looking to cheat on my H at all either...but I was like you at the time, feeling used, like a babysitter, etc.

What I realize now what i did wrong during that time, is I started focusing on those things SO much, I missed the things he was doing in his own way for me.

One thing I have learned is my husbands "language" so to speak is different than mine, and that he does tell me things, or do things for me in a way I used to miss as it wasn't my language. I have learned to hear and see what he is doing based on who he is and the "language" he speaks.

Of course, now too, he has realized what I need and makes those efforts, and vice versa, he has started to learn my "language" and I have learned to meet his needs the way he needs them to be met and not the way I thought they needed to be met.

What I am seeing though is a frustrated wife who is starting to focus alot on the negatives...and what happens is when you start to focus on those, they grow and grow, and you even create situations where he can't win to further your negative thoughts - you don't do this intentionally - you do it subconciously.

Eventually you can't even SEE the positives - even if they are standing in front of your face.

Start really looking for the positives and learn how to read them based on who he is.

Also - if you have done this and you still are feeling very negative, then tell him VERY bluntly what you need.

Us woman have this tendancy that men should just know based on our hints, or our small talk, but I have learned Men don't - they don't speak our language - most do need that bluntness (in a nice way bluntness - don't be cruel about it)

Those feelings can come back - but it starts first with you - find those positives and hold on to them - learn to speak his "language" and don't hint at your needs - make them very clear.

If you don't do those things, then like LM said - you become ripe for the picking...someone else will enter your life, he will meet your needs, and before you even realize it - your are entangled...

good points. I am running out the door now for my sons soccer practice. Hope to be back on later. You gave me a lot to think about.