I was married 14 yrs. Have 3 beautiful children with my xh, and have a little bit different divorce sitch than most. My xh had the attorney and he has custody of our children. There was not even any discussion on me being a bad mother/unfit, money does talk in S.C.

Anyway we have been seperated since mid March 2004, Divorce since mid May, people assume something is wrong with me since I am still not ready to go find Mr. Right. I am also having some biblical issues on the issue or Marriage/Divorce/Remarriage. I was the WW, and if I am to someday feel peace enough to date is has to be right for me. Not only did I not lose my H, but I also lost my children, losing my children is what seems to be making my grieving process the most unbearable.

People continually judge me, they look at me like I am an alien, gay, or becoming a nun. Is this a common reaction? What are other posters biblical view on the remarriage issue if you don't mind posting it? Please let me know.
Thanks

...why do you care what others think? You have to be happy with your decisions, not them!

Brokenwings,

I, for one, do not think you are an alien <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" /> I have encountered the same reaction from some when I say that I am not ready. I even have people try to persuade me that I am ready.

But seeing those reactions has helped me to question WHY I'm not ready yet. And I think that can be the crux of the problem. If we don't work on WHY we're not ready yet, then we never will be!

I personally realized that I was not ready because I was afraid of getting hurt again. D was by far the hardest thing I've had to do. And right now, I am happy being by myself, and being single. So to 'take the chance' of getting hurt is extremely frightening to me.

But I also want to get re-M in the future. And I want to have a healthy, intimate relationship with a man at some point. So in order for me to get there, I will indeed have to begin dating again.

Here's a little revelation I had. I'm not really ever going to be fully 'ready' to start dating. Why? Because the parts of me that I need to cultivate, practice, and grow....are things that will involve a 'partner' of some sorts. I need to learn to trust again. I need to learn to maintain my individuality/spirit in a relationship. I need to practice standing up for myself and my standards. I need to practice leaving when it isn't right.

I can't do any of that on my own. So regardless of if I'm READY or not......I must do it anyhow. Kind of like being thrown from the horse, and not wanting to get back on. The only way to conquer it is to gain courage, and jump back in. At least in my case, it is! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

JMVHO

LIT...Here's a little revelation I had. I'm not really ever going to be fully 'ready' to start dating. Why? Because the parts of me that I need to cultivate, practice, and grow....are things that will involve a 'partner' of some sorts. I need to learn to trust again. I need to learn to maintain my individuality/spirit in a relationship. I need to practice standing up for myself and my standards. I need to practice leaving when it isn't right. I can't do any of that on my own. So regardless of if I'm READY or not......I must do it anyhow.

Knight...Very well said LIT. This is the first place one must come to understand and make a "decision" about. There are no gaurantees you won't be hurt, nor can you discover who you are by yourself...you can certainly do some things, important things on your own, but to be a whole person (emotionally/psychologically) you must have someone to push/pull with.

Okay, the reason I am not ready after a year and a half of being broken up, is I am "in love" with what I thought we had. I am still grieving, and am desperately afraid that I will feel this way for the rest of my life.

Although I was the wayward spouse, the marriage had a lot of marital problems. I tried with no success to fix these problems for 9 yrs. He was no Angel, nor was I.

In the 12 mo. divorce process my ex was so ugly. Using children to hurt me. Not allowing me to see my children on their birthdays. Getting restraining orders to keep me away from him and children, because he knew in the state of S.C. I could get my children back if I were to get back on my feet. To gain custody, he made false accusations that led to legal ramifications that has cost me good jobs before I could fight to have it removed from records. It was and at times still is a nightmare.

Everybody I know hates him. Why after all of this do I still love him? He literally made me homeless, and didn't care, and used loopholes in the judicial system to ruin my life. Why do I still love him. Am I sick? I don't know that I will ever be ready?

Thank you for all your responses.

Based on what you say bw, you have serious problems, "loving" someone who is dangerous to our well-being is not love, it is obsession. You need a good therapist to uncover why you have an obsessive personality (if you do, is your call), which at the moment is fixated on this person. But may also manifest in other ways. Your posts also have a flavor of victimhood, none of this was done to you, you were a fully active participant with your choices...clearly you were outclassed in the legal fight, but you have the enormous advantage of being mom, and still do. But regardless of outcome, your life is yours to make, and feelings of victimhood will not serve you well.

They also prevent you from being a healthy "dater", so your decision not to date is the correct one, until you resolve your psychological issues. But that is good thing, you recognize this. And if I were your friend, I would be encourageing you NOT to date.

Hi knight50,

I'm not sure what those advantages are of me being a mother. None of those advantages helped me on our day of court. I know what it feels like to be a father in most cases that is for sure because I am living that life. Being a mom in this case didn't help me at all. There are many fathers going through this everyday I acknowledge this, and if this had not happened the way it had, then I would have never seen this side. The courts have made this out of my hands, I cannot make any decisions for my children, they assume that all parents are fair and mature enough to work together but that is not the case in this case. He has "0" respect for me as the childrens mother, therefore will let me have "0" say in how they are raised. He has hired many babysitters to replace the "loss" in their lives. In one year he had 5 different babysitters, this last one has hit my 8 yr old son with a stick and bruised his leg, my ex has not yet fired her. I have no say in anything that HE choses in their lives and it's very hard as a parent to be held in such low regard to the welfare of my own children.

He just wanted to WIN, it didn't matter what was the best decisions for the children. He is not a bad person, he loves them, but he makes decisions for the kids even bad ones because it has to be convenient for his life and his alternating work schedule.

Had I made decisions that helped cause my divorce? Yes, I openly admitted this in the beginning so people can say 2 sides of the coin. Should things have ever been taken this far? No way! It's not right to put the children in the cross fire, it is not right for a parent to use the children as leverage to hurt the other parent.

To address the issue of my still loving him (ex). I believe the healing process on this would have been much easier had I not been forced to go directly through him for a relationship with the kids. The only thing that changed in their lives...was the fact that I had been removed. It's very difficult to see a life that you had invested 14 yrs of your life, 3 children you gave birth to, walk away. The more I look at it, the more I see myself attaching myself to him because he is the only door to the children. I miss my kids, I would have never been so unfair to him as far as the children go. It has always been in his hands to make good sound decisions, not selfishly for him, but ask the kids what they want, but he doesn't.

I do need counseling, that is for sure. I don't see myself truly healing from this until we can at least find a happy medium as far as how to raise the children, and we both can agree on what's best for the childrens upbringing without him barring me from all decisions because he can, not because it's the right thing to do. I don't want them not to have him, I want to share them, be able to make peaceful decisions like adults, and for heavens sake respect the fact that I am the parent also. Not use his POWER against me.

I cannot as a mother sit back and say "Well he did this the way he did, I can't change it, so why worry about it". This effects me everyday. I see the kids living in filth, not brushing their teeth, not eating properly, being with a babysitter more than with either parent. I can't wash my hands of my children, my influence on them is important to me. So please tell me, how can I have peace enough to move on when he is still throwing money at strangers from the newspaper to step into my shoes?

You have an uphill battle bw, but if it is as you say, then find the best possible lawyer you can and start documenting reasons why the custody settlement needs to be modified. I understand that has a downside, alienateing this poor excuse for a man... The other strategy is to walk the fine line between being involved, but not triggering a need for him to win, and over time he may, if he loves his kids at all, which is unlikely if he is a sociopath, which he sounds like, people are chattle, a means to an end, including the kids..but he may tire of them, and give them back if he does not "see" this as losing. Either way, you must work on you, and not become fixated on your kids, I know this is extremely difficult, but you serve them best by being healthy yourself, and obsessing over anything, even ones kids, is bad. Your analysis of why you still "love" makes sense, but it is an unhealthy response in the long run...you best serve your children by becoming healthy, and having healthy relationships (and remarriage) with another man, you are still a role model, and you do have visitation which can be modified over time....likewise at 12-14 kids have a much bigger say in who they choose to live with...so think long term, heal yourself, become econimically secure, and who knows...this story isn't over yet.

Thank you Knight. I also hope that things will change a bit on his head, I've just learned after a year and 8 months not to count on it. Hope is all I have, I am praying that my children will not think that I just left them. I never left them, and my son and daughter are too young to understand. I hope that someday they will decide to live with me when they are of age. I don't look for it to be a smooth transition though. If I could have afforded a lawyer in the beginning, my ex could not have gotten away with half of what he did. So, as for right now the lawyer is out of the question. It was great advice though. Thanks Again.

Broken...I'm so sorry to read all of this heartache in your life. Knight has given some good counsel here, let me move in another direction for you.

You asked about Bilical grounds...I would strongly encourage you to get yourself (if not already) into a wonderful Bible based church family ASAP!

You need family. You need friends. You need support now!

Also, focus on your prayer life. God knows the full TRUTH of what all happened in your life. He can change circumstances and answer prayers. I'm reminded of the awesome words of a favorite hymn: "What a Friend We Have in Jesus" --> "Oh what peace we often forfeit, O what needless pain we bear, all because we do not carry, everything to God in prayer!"

Finally, NEVER forget the teachings of God: How often should we be willing to forgive? Jesus asked. 70 x 7 was the response. Meaning? As many times as necessary! And our God stands ready to forgive the truly repentent just as many times as needed. Yes, a forgiven life will have to live with consequences, but it need not be trapped in the past, condemned to live out a doomed existence.

And that is the Good News!

God be near you,
High Flight

Thank you High Flight, that post was very encouraging. As stated before I am on an uphill battle, and I don't go day to day with my emotions it seems like it's second to second.

I am a believer that God has my best interest in his hands, I prayed that this divorce would not go through and it did. He knows what is best for me when I can't make those decisions. I've ultimately decided to stay out of the way, and let God transform my life the way it needs to be. He has changed me in so many ways, it's almost like I had to fall as hard as I did to get off of the "hell ride" that I was on. This may have been the only way that he could bring me back to him. I'm just ready for some direction, some hope, some peace.

Your encouraging words have made my day, and I thank you for that.

BW

[color:"blue"] BW [/color]
I wanted to respond to you, too, to give you hope! I go to a small (<300 people) church and over the last few years we have had three members in different families who were WS. All repented and were lovingly restored to both this local fellowship (church) and their families. People in our church rallied around them. Now, I’m not saying that God will restore your marriage. But you should seek out a church family where you can find support, comfort, and encouragement. Your past is just that - past. God knows the truth and through prayer, He can work in restoring a relationship between you and your children. You didn’t directly answer High Flight’s question about being in a Bible-based church....are you?

No I am not in a church right now. I just moved to Ohio 2 weeks ago. I am interested in finding something, some kind of support through a church family. I was extremely happy to find out last night that my children have started back to church also.

I read the bible, listen to church on television, and am praying to God that he will let me know what church is right for me. It is very hard to not have anybody in your life to lean on, my friends abandoned me long ago when seperation started (abandoned ex too), my family...they don't seem to want to be bothered with my circumstances and as long as I don't involve them in anything in my life they are happy. Critical but happy.

The last few nights during prayer God has offered me a lot of peace, so I am trusting in that and waiting to see where my life takes me. For those of you who pray, please pray for my situation to get closer to my children as soon as I can.

Thanks