Hi,

I received great help from all of you last year when I first found out he cheated on me. I ultimately forgave him and told him I was giving him another chance. Well, it's been almost a year and I recently found out he's sleeping with another married woman who even knows me and is covering up for him. He keeps denying it and I know for a fact it's true. He says those same BS words that he loves me and I'm the only one he wants to be with. That night I found out, he slept in his car in front of the house and was drinking because he was in so much pain. I don't feel anger for him, I actually feel pity and sorry for him that he doesn't know how to love life and everything I've given and offered of myself. I want nothing of him and feel disgusted seeing him, but haven't been able to kick him out but we are definitely not a couple but more like roommates. My love for him is turning into hate and is awful, since I feel so used and betrayed. He keeps telling me that he'll do anything for me to not leave him. He wants to go to counseling, but I doubt someone like him can get help at all. I gave him one chance, and if he messed up that's on him. I offered him my friendship and that was about it. We are not married, but have been together for 11 years almost (this month) with no kids (I was actually thinking of starting this year). How funny things seem to happen and throw 11 years away that quick. Any words from someone who has been cheated on multiple times? I think I need comfort and personally feel myself wanting and needing to go to counseling. It's awful to say, but I do love him somewhere deep down, but at the same time feel disgusted to look at him. Please someone help me and give me some inspiration on this thing called life and why other women willingly will cover up this and go along with these games.

I am so sorry for what has happened to you. My first H cheated repeatedly. We D and he wanted to R but after 5- * A on his part told him I could not go through this again. Some people just can not change. He couldn't. He does need counseling for himself if not for your M. He just never eally got it after the first time. Or he would not have done this again. The pain you are going through must be trememdous. I would let the OW H know as well. Now is the time to take care of yourself. Tell him to go live somewhere else. You definitely need some time alone. This is to much to deal with as I am sure it has brought the past right back up front for you.

I have never experienced what you have. I have experienced pain. Hurt that I could not describe. Maybe that is good enough.

It is not selfish to realize that the person YOU have to take care of is YOU. The world has many people that have fallen to the words of the enemy, if you understand. He makes suggestions and they follow, regardless of who or what is in their path.

Not all people are evil. Many of them are very nice, compassionate individuals. That said, you must always make sure you are taken care of. That you do it is a requirement. That someone else do it is a gift.

Going to counselling to discuss these pains and hurts is a good idea. I hope you are lucky and find the perfect counselor for you.

I truly am sorry for your pain. I hope you find comfort very soon.

Thanks for your kind words. I guess the best thing for me is to go to counseling and at least have someone listen and guide me. THanks again!

You need a game plan.

You need to decide exactly what you want.

When you decide that....you stick to it.

It's ALL about you now.

First off, my condolences for your plight. I am sorry that you are here again. There will be others along soon to comfort you and offer some support...

Well, to be honest, your BF's response is a cookie cutter response that all waywards use. They of course will do "anything" to make it up to you once they are caught. The promise of "counseling" is such a tired and pathetic excuse for a Wayward. Anyone can say that. First off, it is MY experience (admittedly 100% anectodal) that most MC don't know what the hell they are doing. Even the zeals here will say that. I never doled out the $180.00 hr to have a phone conversation with Steve Harley, but many here swear by him and he comes highly reccommended. Maybe that is where you should start. Your wayward will promise the world to you now. I find it ironic when you state that he slept in the car drunk when you threw him out b'c of his "pain". Well, he caused all of this pain. SO those feelings he has are all fully and justifiably appropiate. This in itself is not suprising. That is all textbook.

What I would ask you now is, what are YOU thinking of doing, and will your ACTIONS be textbook?

I don't have the answers for you. I can tell you this though, if you do what you did LAST time that he cheated and betrayed you and exposed you to potentially life threatning diseases you WILL 100% continue to get what you have been getting. That despite what anyone tells you is a FACT !!!

I am supporting you wholeheartedly but just offering you some "food for thought".

Sour........

I'm so sorry that you find yourself in the same situation as last year. I've been through something similar but within a few weeks of eachother (same OW, H couldn't stop seeing her)

I know its really painful. What this means is that your BF never really dealt with the issue leading him to stray. I see that you have several options depending on how you feel (or course) and what has already been tried. How would you rate your rebuilding? Do you feel it was a full commitment on his part to get to the problems in him or in the relationship that led to his affair from last year? Did you feel good about the rebuilding and the relationship you have had in the past year?

I think its important to separate this out because if it was a real genuine effort to fix the relationship then what the heck will it take to try this again? Seriously, you've gone down that route and he betrayed you again.

However, if the effort was half-hearted and you knew there were still problems, do you want to try a different method in repairing the relationship like counseling? Affairs are typically symptoms of larger issues.

Eleven years is a long time together. Is there a reason why you two aren't married, like do one/both of you not believe in marriage? I ask bc he could think that by NOT being married, the cheating isn't as severe (no vows broken, etc). It doesn't make it right, but it could explain his behavior and his avoiding the ultimate commitment like marriage. Just a thought.

I feel for you. This is very painful to have it happen once. To have it happen again is devastating.

Hugs,
Hannah

"Being together" for this long without a formal committment (AN ACTUAL MARRIAGE) is a [color:"red"]big red flag [/color] ..... the perks and benifits of marriage without making a committment ..... not a very good predictor of future intention to fully commit.

Given the fact that he is a repeat offender .... your chances of this ever being the fully realized relationship you desire ... are slim indeed.

He wants you on "stand by" ... is that good enough for you?

Dear Errie,

the same thing happened to me. My H went to prostitutes and had sex with my best friend. I found out two years later. He swore he'd never do it again... I'm quite sure he never contacted OW again. But a year later he went to P's again. When I found out about that, something snapped inside of me. I simply couldn't go through that same pain again, this time knowing that even his solemn promises and "I'll do anything" and "I'll never do it again" are no guarantees.

It felt like a H who beats up his W when he's drunk - then is soooo sorry when he sees her bruises - will NEVER do it again, really, really never - then goes ahead and does it again, given the right circumstances.

Counseling is the very least your M would need.
I don't know about you, but I find it impossible to believe my H can really change and that I can ever feel safe again that he won't lie and cheat again.

So.. I'm moving out in two weeks.

click here to read about living together before marriage.

A living together situation is like a month-to-month rental agreement .... the "renters" maintain their exit door strategy .... just in case.

Go to the top of this page where it says in the red area "bookstore" ... and find Harley's book titled

Buyers Renters and Freeloaders

What you have on your hands is a renter at best, and a freeloader at worst.

Hey, errie, sorry to see you back here in this situation as I have been there myself and it is no fun at all.

My sitch was that WH, after 15 years of faithful marriage, got involved in an EA with an old HS friend that turned PA for one night. The inter-state EA continued off and on, despite some counseling.

Then, five years after the first affair, he had a full-blown 5-month PA with a co-worker. I was like you. At first I thought we did not go through all of that before just to have this happen again. I had to look strongly at my husband's character to decide if this was an abberation or a pattern.

I finally came to realize that we didn't really do the work required after affair no. 1. Our four kids were a handful, we had our own business, finances were horrible, stress was a way of life. We did enough to get through the day, but the distance between us remained. What we had in fact crafted was a very tensous "truce." We unknowingly set outselves up for more of the same.

Then came d-day 2. Not only did I discover OW2, but also gound out that WH was copying letters he wrote to OW2 and sending the same tripe to OW #1, just changing the names.... the EA was back in swing with OW1 via email and phone!!!! I was crushed and defeated.

After a good deal of counseling, and my husband searching for the answer to the elusive "WHY" after d-day #2, I am confident that my husband is not a serial cheater and that he now understands what motivated him to participate in actions he is now sorely ashamed of and grieved over. This was not a character issue, it was a circumstantial one. The trick was to work toward strengthening our relationship so that if similar circumstances arose again that he would not repeat the same mistakes. I think we've been successful in doing that.

You have a similar decision to make before you should decide what to do. Is this a pattern, or an abberration?

On another note, though, I have to admit that if it weren't for our children, I would have been done on dday #2 with no looking back. I am glad today that I did not throw in the towel because we came to understand our issues, and husband's issues in particular, and make changes. We now have a healthier, happier marriage and we are looking forward to our future years together.

Still, getting over two betrayals, different women, different circumstances, is extremely difficult. Had we NOT been married, had we NOT had children, I am not sure I would have taken the chance on a third performance. I don't believe we will ever go down this road again. My husband is the man I married nearly 23 years ago. He was not that man during the five years he struggled and had the affairs.

Hope this helps.

~ Snow

errie,

"I want nothing of him and feel disgusted seeing him, but haven't been able to kick him out but we are definitely not a couple but more like roommates. My love for him is turning into hate and is awful, since I feel so used and betrayed."

OUCH! Seems to say it all right here!!

Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice and I'll cut your heart out!

Life's too short.

k