Hi all. Its been a while since I last posted a question. Quick recap, my H had a PA & EA, I found out 2-14-05 and we are seriously rebuilding since 5-11-05 (2 months!)

I would rate our rebuilding to be going very well. We communicate so much better and FWH is understanding that I need his reassurance on a daily basis.

BUT...one of the most important items hasn't been fullfilled yet, which is wearing his wedding ring. You see, H "lost" his ring last year so I bought him a new one for Xmas (while he was having an affair but I didn't know it yet).

It was way too big so he said he would get it resized. Well, of course he didn't get it resized while he was cheating and now that we are together I've asked him to get it done so he can wear it again. H is known for his procrastination and chalks this up to just not getting around to it.

Since he had issues with me being controlling in the past, I didn't want to get this done for him.

A little while back he asked what he could do to save our marriage. My answers:

1. Drop contact with OW (took a while but did this)
2. Make plans to spend time with me (very good at doing this)
3. Wear wedding ring - NOT DONE

I'm really fair about this topic. I told him how it hurts me that he doesn't wear it and it makes me feel like he's not proud of being married.

He says thats not the case. At first he was concerned the ring would be strange to wear again after so long...he only told me this once and hasn't said it again. Then he blamed it on himself and just not getting around to it.

Now the ring has been out of its holding place for almost a month but not on his finger. According to H its at the jewelers being resized.

This ring is only worth $200 so I can't imagine how much time and money it takes to get it resized. I'm starting to grow resentment that he's not making this a priority when he knows that it hurts me. But I want him to make his changes from his heart and not because I force it. So far, all the other changes in our marriage have been great and I know they come from within him and the love he has for me and our family.

Every day that he doesn't wear his ring is like a stab at my heart. I'm starting to think he's hiding something from me and those ill-feelings about the affair come right back up.

Any ideas on what to do?

Thanks,
Hannah

If your marriage is in such a state of "recovery" then your Former Wayward husband should DO THIS TONIGHT.

Perhpas he just doesn't "get the importance" that this has for you....YOu know what I would do......SPELL IT OUT FOR HIM LIKE A 2 YEAR OLD (WITH CRAYONS AND ALL). This was one of your requirements for reconciliation. This is not controlling. If he agreed to do this for you, then he should damn well be doing it. I would not "let this one go" because you are afraid to rock the boat. If this is as important to you as you say, I would be vigilant about it.

I hope that the relucatance of him not wanting to wear the ring does not have "other meanings". Goodlcuk and best wishes in the recovery.

Sour..... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

You hit the nail on the head. I'm afraid of rocking the boat. I'm afraid of him not wanting to do it for himself and the reality of what that means.

If you stay in this pattern of "not rocking the boat" at least you know full well what you will be getting as a result.

As an aside, I am curious as to why someone in " serious rebuilding" would sign on with a name like "lifeisawreck". That is profoundly sad and actually quite telling.

Please understand that all is obviously "not peaches and cream". Stop making excuses for your Wayward. Any "recovery" you have now is probably not real. I don't want you to be set up for a fall. If you don't rock the boat and get a "new crew", you will be in for continued rough seas. (There I go with the cheesy analogies again).

I am not saying to attack him or threaten divorce, but I would get honest with him. I would stop "playing" the part, and get real. Just my .02.

Take it for what it is worth (probably just .02).

BOL,

Sour............ <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

I dunno, life, while it is true that some WSs don't put their rings back on precisely because they are not committed to recovering their marriage, I think you've given reasons that might indicate this is not the case.

You might be assigning reasons for WHs neglect in carrying out this task that are not the case at all. Maybe he is just a big old procrastinator. Maybe it sits at the jewelers because he keeps putting off picking it up. Maybe he really doesn't want to wear a ring again and struggles with that (some men just don't like to wear a ring).

Thing is, he knows this is important to you. He needs to come to a point where he takes your needs seriously and puts his own discomfort aside. He needs to learn how to NOT procrastinate on things that matter to YOU, even if it is a sacrifice. That is what meeting each other's needs is all about.

I know you don't want to come off as controlling, and I think you just might if you push this thing. Are you in counseling? I think this is the perfect topic for discussion with the counselor. If not, you'll have to practice approaching husband in a direct, unoffensive manner.

life: "Husband, I am glad that you had agreed to wear your ring again. I know you are making a conscious decision to do that for me, and it makes me happy. It helps me believe in "us" a little more. I have to be honest that I am sad that you are not yet wearing the ring. I don't want you to think I am trying to control what you do. I truly am not. I expressed to you how important it was for me that you wear your ring and I was happy when you said you would. If you aren't sure about wearing it, I would like to talk about it because every day that it's not on your finger I begin to think you really didn't mean it and I get upset inside. It's even hard for me to bring this up because I don't want to upset you, but I still wanted you to know what I am going through."

This starts an honest dialogue. Be prepared for anything he might say. If he just doesn't want to wear the ring, you might have to accept that for now. And by accepting that, you might just see it show up on his hand one of these old days. That, or one day you might wake up and realize it doesn't bother you after all.

Hope this helps.

~ Snow

Snow, that was the point of this whole thread. If the original poster made it clear to the Wayward how important this was for her (she did make it as a Requirement for reconciliation after all), why are you seemingly lessenng the impact this has had on the BS. maybe you aren't doing this....and noone is saying that the NON-action of wearing the ring means anything, but I don't think it can be so easily dismissed as "procrastination". When your marriage is in shambles and you desperately want to try and "rebuild" things, YOU DO WHATEVER IT TAKES to make it happen. It is my opinion, that this lack of non-action on the WH part is indicative of something more serious. I am not saying that he is cheating or that there is more betrayal, but people very serious about recovery DON'T procrastinate about things this seemingly important to their betrayed spouse. Maybe I am wrong. I have never been a wayward spouse trying to win back a betrayed spouse, but I am just posting about what ***I**** would be doing if I were the Original posters Wayward.

I know that you are by nature an optimist (you'd have to be to be you... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />--a good thing), and maybe I am just a pessimist...but I honestly highly doubt that you can chalk this one up to just "procrastination". I freeely admit that I could be wrong. Won't be the 1st time... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Sour........ <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

This was a requirement that the Wayward agreed to to save the marriage? Was it not? I must be mistaken.

Sour...... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

edited to add: On second thought I have to withdrawal from this thread as I can surely see where this is heading. To the original poster. Goodluck.

Wait, LM don't go! I'll have to re-read. I misunderstood that wearing the ring was a requirement to save the marriage. I thought it was an offer.

OK, I see that it was an actual number on the list of three. Then I guess I would say perhaps you look at how well he is at doing the other two and renegotiate the third. He is either resisting for a reason or he's procrastinating and not taking life's feelings into account. Their has to be a discussion and a resolution, not a demand. Yes, LM?

~ Snow

Or maybe you've just never been a procrastinator, LM! It is a bad habit, or outlook, that is difficult to change, no matter what the stakes.

BTW, I am NOT an optomist by nature. My husband would crack up at that one! No, I am usually the one that sees all the potential problems right up front and has to pick them apart to make sure they don't amount to anything! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> I think you mistake my general approach of always striving to acheive a resolution as optimism. I guarantee you, optimism it is not. LOL!

Well, I just feel stronger about it. I agree, the demands "never" work, but that still doesn't change the fact that the Wayward did not do what he said he would in order for the marriage to be given a chance for recovery.......or perhaps Life "moved" the boundary and let this be negotiable subconsciously. I did not want this post to degenerate into my opinion vs yours (as I think the original poster would just get more confused) and you and I both have been on opposite sides of the fence on topics.

I think that Life is "afraid" to ask for this for fear off "rocking the boat" and while she may rationalize this as keeping the "marriage going" in reality it is building a a recovery out of a "house of cards". We probably agree about all of this, but I just get so angry about Waywards not keeping promises and continuing the "games", that I sometimes extrapolate those feelings here. That is not a good thing, and something that I still struggle with. It is the "shrapnel" I am left with from my war with the XWW ----> (another stupid analogy). <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Sour..... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Yes, she is afraid. All the more reason she must address the issue. If it rocks the boat, then it does. But sometimes approaching it from a less demanding stance helps a solution come to the fore and builds the strong foundation that is necessary. She's got nothing to lose by renegotiating this one thing, if, as she says, he's been doing well on the other two things. It would be a different story if he renegged on all three.

BTW I love your analogies! They aren't off at all. (And if one is, somebody around here will let you know it!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

~ Snow

LM and Snow - thanks so much for your insight. And the analogies are great.

I agree my name is misleading. I came up with that in March when I was in the middle of a deep depression and coming here for advice on my situation. Life was definitely a wreck for me.

I brang it up again tonight and asked why he doesn't wear it. He said he keeps meaning to pick it up but hasn't yet. I told him if he has any other feelings about it to just be honest because I'd rather know the truth. He promised me that was it and he is looking forward to wearing it again.

I've heard something similar a few times before so I'll wait and see. Compared to the other items on my list (no contact and doing more together) this has lesser importance but its still hurts that its not complete. H is a lazy person, something he is striving to improve.

I'll let you know what happens.

Hannah

Goodluck and keep us in the loop.

Sour.... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />

Hmmm . . . at the risk of threadjacking, my WH also "lost" his ring, which was then found by the housepainters. When I asked WH why he wasn't wearing it, he told me it "needed to be cleaned." Then he "lost" it again. In that timeframe, he has had 2 As, that I know of. I have told him again and again how important it is to me that he wear it, and he has chosen not to. I can only believe it is because he is not committed to reconciling. I guess my message to Life is to tread carefully; I question her WH's sincerity if he is not willing to make this small but important effort. Stung

I'm with LM on this one.

You (LIAW) have 3 conditions for rebuilding your marriage. Count them...three. And your spouse agreed to them...POJA. You have stated that you see this as "one of the most important items." Procrastination or not...you have clearly stated that this is a type of EN for you.

I don't care if something comes hard for me. If I want something bad enough when it involves another person, I'll darn well bust my butt to try and make it happen. Old habits are no excuse when a marriage is falling apart. It's called walking your talk. WSs are often pretty good at talking the talk...but not walking it.

Rebuilding is about commitment to change. It's about making amends asap whenever possible. I think that the burden of proving his commitment to your marriage is on your husband. He's the one that violated the commitment. He asked what you would require to try and rebuild the marriage. You told him.....very clearly. I wouldn't care if he chooses to be "lazy" or procrastinating about other things right now. But, by gosh, your spouse needs to be down at that jeweler's picking up his ring if he has to leave work to do it! Others have left good paying jobs to re-build marriages. And your spouse can't even pick up a ring????

Just call me lemon, jr. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Stung

Thanks for your thoughts. As much as I can be, I'm confident he isn't cheating. I can't be totally sure though so there is that shadow of doubt looming over. Hence, I still check his v/m, bank account, cell phone log, cell phone bills, etc. I've heard of WS finding more clever ways of hiding things and thats scary.

Hannah

LJr - I'm typically the one who takes care of things in our household. I enjoy taking care of my family. Prior to his EMA, I would have thought nothing of it! But now, I feel this one is all on him to take care of. Picking up a ring from the Jewelers is so easy it baffles me that this hasn't been done yet.

I'll keep waiting...

Hannah

Update....tonight H came home with wedding ring back on his finger. Its finally been done, without me pushing for it or getting it done for him.

Hannah

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Well, I am sure one way or the other someone or something "pushed" him...but does it really matter? He did it, and did do what he said to fulfill his obligations for you to reconciliate.

Goodluck in your recovery..

Sour.... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />