It's been a while since I've last posted, been reading faithfully, but I haven't come across this type of problem.

My WH is making me feel and seem crazy. Whenever we get into a discussion about his A, our M (or whats left of it) if I ask a question, that he feels is ridiculous, he will laugh in my face, or tell me that I have already made up the answers in my head(answers that he has already given)

I have told him that it hurts my feelings and upsets me even more, but that doesn't matter, he still continues to laugh at me, and put me down.
Last night during a talk, he threw his hands up in the air and said "I'm (my name), I'm done, I'm going to bed, then preceded to laugh and walk away'.
That pushed me over the edge, felt like head first, I had a major breakdown, didn't think I would ever stop crying. I felt like I wanted to die, I can't take this anymore.

H feels that because he chose to stay married to me that I should be greatful and fall at his feet and profess my love, afterall it has been a little over 3 mos, and he's doing everything to show me he wants to be with me (MC). I've told him that he had 7mos to deal with this, I've only had 3.
After the last few weeks with him I wish he would of gone to OW, he has turned into a spiteful, condesending, jerk.

It has gotten to the point that if I say something, (anything could be about dinner)he makes a smart a** comment, so its been easier to just say nothing, I figure that way my feelings wont get hurt, so I usually sit in silence and listen to my heart continue to break.

He lies about inconsequential things now, like smoking, deleting history on computer (MB site no less), looking into my stuff on computer, etc. then he expects me to believe him on important things, when I question things I see, I'm the crazy one, the mean one, the vindictive one. Why is he doing and saying all these mean things to me now?

He's even said that I need someone to talk to, that MC is all about him and I need to find someone. To me that seems like he really doesn't want me there, I keep going though. Sometimes it's nice to hear the C tell him like it is.

It's seem like he trying to get me to file for a divorce, even though he says otherwise.

A couple of thoughts....

first, I am sure that there was a time that this was true. You would have accepted ANY TERMS that would have brought your Wayward back to you. Be careful what you ask for, you may just get it. I don't say this with disdain, but with a question for you to HONESTLY evaluate your boundaries here.

Second, your wayward is obviously NOT doing everything that he ***should*** be doing for true recovery. Just "going" to MC doesn't usually mean $hit. He is doing alot of things (lying, etc..) that do NOT constitute "recovery". He may "think" he is doing everything that you WANTED for recovery....and maybe he is right, but it seems like things have "changed" from your viewpoint as well they should. What you wanted "then" vs what you want now is changing.

The next move is yours. Set up your boundaries and please rexamine the efforts made this far....ON both your counts.

BOL,

Sour.... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

gp, can you describe the conversation you had where he responded in this manner. What did you say to him?

golden,

You are sure the A is over and NO MORE CONTACT??

Sounds like he is acting like a p%^!k for a reason, like he is going out of his way to act like this.

What does the MC say about it?

k

EDITED TO ADD: 3 months is a blink of an eye on this rollercoaster.

One discussion was about him deleting history on his computer, I asked why he did that and it makes him look like he's trying to hide something. He thought that was funny. said it doesn't matter what his answer is, I've already got the answer made up in my own mind. Last night we were talking about why he never told me I was beautiful, said he thought I didn't want to hear that, I made the mistake of saying "you told ow she was beautiful, how did you know she wanted to hear that? did she have to ask" well, he reacted by throwing his hands up and saying I'm done goodnight. I have ended conversations that I felt were getting out of control, by telling him I can't talk anymore and walked away, if I don't walk away, I know I will say things that hurt him, that is not going to solve anything, there's been enough damage done.
He explained that he only did that last night to hurt me, hasn't he hurt me enough already? why add more.
He wants me to make a decision on if I want to stay in this M, I can't make that now.
How can I make him understand that I don't know what I want or feel at any given moment. I do know that I want the kind, caring and considerate man I married back, not this cruel, condesending person that is living with me now.

>said it doesn't matter what his answer is, I've already got the answer made up in my own mind.

Fogbabble. If it were such a non-issue to him, he wouldn't bother.

Only when they truly have nothing to hide do they quit hiding things.

>He wants me to make a decision on if I want to stay in this M, I can't make that now.

Him, him, him. He is not thru the fog or the resentment. He is still trying to control you. This is YOUR decision...this is YOUR timing...he wants all the power still.

>How can I make him understand that I don't know what I want or feel at any given moment.

You can't. He is still all about HIM right now. What you can do is understand YOU. Take care of you. He's not gonna cause he's all about taking right now...and you're gonna need to be doing the giving TO YOURSELF. Become a lighthouse...but DON'T cater to his ego. Do what you gotta do for YOU and DS...once he sees you won't quit breathing if he's being an a$$, then he might get off his high horse and join you in LIVING.

- Kimmy

Hmmm. I think I would unload his a%% right now. Enough is enough.

gp, can you send him here to us? Would he give us his thoughts on another thread?

Did you let him move back home?

H says its over, and he's had NC, I have checked the phone bills nothing there, but, he did admit to going to a payphone to call once, after dday, and we had an agreement, (before NC letter was sent), said that was only to tell her to leave him alone he was working on his M.
she had sent him 2 emails, which we had agreed that he would tell me if anything came from her and let me deal with it, he didn't, told me after the 2nd email, he deleted both emails, so I don't know what they said and after he had called and left a message on voicemail. Someone saw him on payphone and thought it was odd and told me, took about 3 days for him to come clean on that.
Don't know if thats the message he left, he's lied so much, everything he says is suspect.
I was so mad and upset during our last session, I honestly can't remember what was said, and unfortunately our MC is out of town this week, figures when you need them the most their not around, I will be bringing it up again next week. I have to find out why all of a sudden he's acting like a pr^%k, is it because I have refused to cry in front of him or is it bc of I haven't been really talking to him? maybe he feels I've been punishing him so this is his way of punishing me.

Our MC told him to be the lighthouse. Be a strong light for me the boat to come to when I'm ready.
How long before the fogbabble ends?

H says it hits MB regularly, don't know for sure he keeps deleting it from history. I know he hasn't posted in a while, I didn't mind it when he posted, he was getting good advice that it seemed like he tried to follow. I don't know why he stopped.
He was out of the house about 2wks, I suggested that he come home and things were good for a short time, then he had to go out of town for a week, that was very hard on me and it hasn't really been the same since he returned. He started lying about little things since he returned.
H went out again today for a week, I for once in 17 years told him I did not want him to travel for the whole week, was really only needed there for 2 days, I even demanded for once that he not go, even asked him to choose, travel or M well he's traveling, said he'd could get fired if he didn't go for the entire week.
Couldn't he of said his wife or child needed him? He has so much sick time banked up, only taken 1 sick day in the last 5yrs.

Many days I feel enough is enough, but all the advice I've been given is not to make any decision to quickly, wait until the rollercoaster slows down or finally comes to a stop. I may feel there is no hope today, but a month from now could be different. Part of me wants to run away from the pain and the other part says that pain will be there no matter where I am. I just want to be a rational human being again. Is that even possible.

I could have written this post myself. As of late I have been thinking that he is cheating again- has that thought crossed your mind? I mean PLEASE we owe it to our marriage and our children to try and make this work, not to our WS that chose to cheat, They think we should bend over backwards because they came back to us. Well you know what they CHEATED and we were gracious enough to take them back. I am not saying that we throw it in there face for ever, however they should not be throwing it in our face either the whole I came back to you crap is exactly that CRAP this is a marriage, and it needs to be joint. If it is not then there is nothing left, if it is not a two way street then it is nothing. you can talk the talk but you need to WALK the talk as well. You owe this man nothing but your love, he owes you the same, as well as rebuilding your trust and respect, HE chose to come back, now he needs to earn his right to stay there. Not think you will stay no matter what. I think my H thinks he can do what ever he wants since he cheated and I stayed, he is in for a rude awaking real soon, and yours should be too!!!!!!!!

I don't think he cheating, but one never knows for sure, all the lies about this A, you never know what to believe. H has acted remorseful at times, has tried to make up for his poor choice, but he makes sure to tell me many times how hard he's trying to make this up to me. I keep telling him he had a total of 10 months to get to this point, wanting me over ow, I've only had 3, with many ddays bc of his lies.
Sometimes he makes me feel he's the only one on the street, that quite possible is true, I'm still standing on the sidewalk afraid I'll be hit by another discovered truth. At this point I don't feel anything for this man, I can't find the love in my heart that I used to have for him. Don't get me wrong I do care, I don't want anything bad to happen to him, I just don't feel that love anymore, my heart is closed off right now, I often worry that it will never open.

GP- I know exactly how you feel- that is how I feel as well, only you worded it better then I could. I wish I knew what to do about these lack of feelings. I feel like giving up, but know that is not the right thing to do. When I look at my H I try to get those feelings to happen, even pretend they are there, however I end up feeling worse in the end.

KMEJ,
The absolute worst part of not feeling is wanting so badly to feel,tring to will myself to feel, if that makes sense. During and after SF I have tried to force myself to feel something, anything.
I often lay there trying to be quiet, thinking that maybe, just maybe I will finally hear my heart open just a crack, so I can let him back in.
All that ends up happening is I end up crying myself to sleep bc I can't feel, which often times makes me feel guilty,almost like I'm not trying hard enough to find the love we once had, does that make sense? or am I crazy?

Golden,

" I have to find out why all of a sudden he's acting like a pr^%k,"

I had a thought...look closely at your conversations with him..are they LBs? Could you be inciting his pr^%kyness by throwing LBs his way.

Are you practicing plan A? Even though the A is over (?) to show him you want him, and to rebuild your M, shouldn't you be filling his ENs and his love bank? EVEN THOUGH IT GOES AGAINST ALL OF NATURE????

k

Golden,

""All that ends up happening is I end up crying myself to sleep bc I can't feel, which often times makes me feel guilty,almost like I'm not trying hard enough to find the love we once had, does that make sense? or am I crazy?""

You are "crazy" because you still have a gaping, steaming wound in your chest where your WH ripped your heart out!

It has ONLY been 3 months. Your wound should now slowly start to heal. Try to have patience.

May I suggest Anti Deprssnts? Could help you through the worst of it. I started taking them about 6 months after my Dday, and wish now I had started much sooner. I don't take them now.

k

I have said some hurtful things to him, usually I try to stop the conversation and walk away before that happens, but most of the time H tries to block me from going by stepping in front of me, or even grabs me.
Yes, we were practicing plan a, but as of the last few weeks, no.
At this point I cant show him I want him, I have tried hard at it in the last few months, but, the last 2wks have been hell. I haven't been making any deposits, and really neither has he. It seems odd to have someone treat you like sh** and then want to cuddle and talk lovingly with them.
Honestly right now I can't make any deposits,even though I know I should be.
I'm sure I'll be taking a lot of heat for that statement.