Hello, Everyone I have been lurking for the last couple of days and have decided to post my story and get some advice.

I am 44 years old and my wife is 50 years old, we have been married 14 years, dated for two years 16 years total, this is my first marriage and her second. She has three children from her previous marriage and we do not have any children together. The kids are all grown and out of the house, oldest daughter is 33, Second daughter is 29 and the youngest is a son 26
DDay for me was 4/3/05, that afternoon after my wWife had returned from her shopping trip. I could tell something was wrong, so I asked her. She told me that she was just not happy and that the spark was gone, that even though she still loved and cared for me she was not in love with me. I asked her what she was planning on doing and she said she did not know. I dropped it and went on with the day. At 1:30 am she woke me up and told me, she had something to tell me. She then proceeded to tell me that she was seeing AM that she works with, that they had only met a couple of times, and it had only went as far as a little kiss. She was crying and instead of throwing a fit, like I felt I wanted to do. I just held her and told her it would be all right and we would get thru it. I asked her if she wanted to be with me or with the OM, she said she did not know. The next day I started doing a little snooping, I called the cell phone company and had them overnight me a list of all calls made on her cell phone from 12/1/04, I installed a key logger on the computer and set and wrote e-mails or called everyone and told them about what she had done. She had been talking to him at least 3 times a day, once in the mourning just after I left for work at lunchtime, and again on her way home from work. Over two hundred calls. I new that they were tight.
That evening she was in the shower and her cell phone starts ringing so I answer it and this person asked for some weird name, so I goggle the number and discover it is a calling card number. so I look at her resent call records and find a number that is called repeatedly and goggle this number, low and behold its his number. Now I have his name and address.
When W comes out of the shower I confront her with the call, of course she denies it and tells me she has not been calling him, so I show her the recent call file on the phone. At this point she is livid, blaming me for snooping and invading her privacy, I explain to her that as long as she is married to me that she has no right to an expectation of privacy, that H’s and W’s do not have a right to hide things from each other. I also told her that I found out his name and address and that he is married too. She took off the wedding ring, stormed out of the house, and said we were thru.
So at this point, I did not figure I had anything to lose so I called the OMW, she was very calm and thanked me for the info, and I gave her my W’s cell phone number, my cell phone number and home phone number and told her to call anytime she was ready to talk. Well a couple of days later she calls and we chat for about 2 hours, she was very forthcoming, seems this is this guys MO, He’s sixty years old has been married five times and they all started with an affair with someone that he worked with. My W told me about this person last summer and that he was hitting on her and when I went to tell her boss. She told me not to bother, that he was just a harmless old man that needed someone to talk too.
Well the next day OMW calls again and tells me that her H denied the A and that me and my W were just lying and trying to get him in to trouble, she told me that he was standing there, so I told her to put him on the phone so we could hash it out. Instead of picking up the phone and talking to me, he starts yelling and cussing that I am a liar and my W is a liar and runs out the door and leaves.


A few weeks go by and I think that my W and I are trying to work out our problems than I find on the key logger were she has posted on a relationship forum. What I found made my heart sink, I have included the posts below that she made so you all can read them and get a feel for what it is that I have to deal with. I want to know if the things that she first posted are her true feelings or are they just feeling that come out when she was in the fog. I just want you all to know that I want to keep this M together, I love my W very much, and I am willing to do what ever it takes to get thru this. I have since found out that they met a great number of times more than she first told me and that they did more than just a little kiss, they went and parked and made out like a couple of teenyboppers and that the OM told my W that he was in love with her. She still denies that they had sex but I do not believe that just of yet, OMW told me that he had a free sample of Viagra and that three of the five pills were missing, seems that he has been impotent and not had sex with his W in the last two years.

Keystone 2005
These are the post that my W posted on other board.
2/13/05
I just need to ask a question to see if anyone has ever felt this way. I have been married going on 14 years and feeling attracted to another man. My husband is a sweetheart and I would never want to hurt him but the passion just is not there. I was married before for 15 yrs. and my ex had an affair and we divorced. I said I could never do that to anyone because I know how much it hurts. I love my husband but I am attracted to this other man. It is so frustrating because I want to be with both but I know that is impossible. The other man is attracted to me too. It started out very innocently but grew to more and I should not have let it get that far. I do not want to end up alone, without either one but it is also not fair to my husband how I am feeling. I cannot tell him because he is so sensitive and I do not want to hurt him. I would rather live a lie and be unhappy than to hurt him. By the way, I am 50 years old and feel terrible. Has anyone else been in a position like this? Thanks for letting me get this off my shoulders.

3/16/05
I know how you feel. I too am married to a wonderful man who would do anything for me, I know never cheat on me, and I am falling in love with another man. I have been married before and he was the love of my life for 15 years. He left me and when I met my husband I'm married to now, I knew I didn't love him like my first but I just figured it would be a different kind of love the 2nd time. To make a long story short, I met a man at work who makes me feel every bit as good as my first husband, and never thought that would ever be possible. So now, I feel terrible knowing I feel this way and liking it but I do not want to hurt my husband either. (We have been married for almost 14 years.) I am 50 yrs. old and knowing how I can feel with this other man makes me sad because I have never felt that with my husband. I'm sorry for rambling on and on but I know how falling in love with someone else can happen when your married. I just wish I had some answers for both of us.

5/28/05
I have been reading all of your posts and wanted to tell you a little bit about my situation. I have been married 14 years, second marriage for me, first for my husband. When I was married to husband #1, we were married for 15 years and he cheated on me. I was so hurt and did not see how anyone could do that to someone. We divorced, because he said he did not love me anymore and he wanted his freedom. Anyway, after about a year I met husband #2. We dated for about a year and he kept after me to marry him. I had not dated anyone else and he would do anything for my kids and me.
We did get married and the sad thing is that I knew that I loved him as a person but I was not really "in love" with him. However, that was ok because he was a good person and I vowed I would never let anyone hurt me as husband #1 did. Now 14 yrs. later the kids are gone and I still am not "in love" with him and have met another man who I fell in love with but cannot be with because he is also married. I did tell my husband how I felt (although I did not tell him that I have never been "in love" with him), I just said that I fell out of love with him. Yes, I did tell him about the other man, and he took it very hard, called the man’s wife, and told her. I do not know how I could have cheated on him after having it done to me, knowing how it hurts. He wants to work it out, and I do not know what to do because I know how it feels to be in love again. Even if I cannot be with this other man, I want that feeling again. Does that make since? My husband still would do anything for me, maybe I am asking too much. However, if I have never been "in love" with him, there is nothing to come back. I just turned 50 years old and he is 44. Sorry I am rambling but if anyone has any advice I would love to here it. In addition, I have never been on my own very long and it scares me to death, but I do not want to use my husband for convience. Thanks for listening!
5/28/05

Sorry it took me a little while to put this on my own thread, but my DH found my posting, read it, and was not too happy about what he read. He does not care that I post on these but I had not been honest with him about never being in love with him. I know that really hurt him a lot. It kills me that I am hurting him and do not want to, but I do not know what to do. I do love him; I am just lacking that intimate feeling for him. In addition, when we first met and he wanted to date me he was really heavy and he lost a lot of weight, cleaned up his beard and wore nicer clothes. I knew he was trying to impress me and that made me feel good. Now he has gained all the weight back, is not interested in how he looks and thinks I should love him unconditionally. After our talk last night, he says he realizes he needs to change but I do not know if he really wants to. Anyway, any advice would be appreciated.

Thanks for all the input. It is hard, because I really want to build more with my husband. I know I do love him. Has anyone felt that kind of love, where there is a flicker but not a spark and how did it work out for you. I do not know what to do except I do not want to cheat my husband out of happiness and I certainly do not want to use him because he is much too good for that. Right now, I do not want to be without him either. I feel like I am going crazy and I know I am driving him there!

Welcome to marriagebuilders. I would ignore everything she posted on the relationship board. They all say the same thing and rewrite the history of the marriage.

Your big problem now is exposing the affair and bringing it to an end. I would mail the OM's wife some evidence.

Also can you expose them at work?

believer is right. The majority of them rewrite history. They believe "I love you but I'm not in love with you" or "I never loved you" or some variation. If you haven't read Surviving an Affair yet, I highly recommend it. Please also consider calling the counseling service here.

Dobie

Well, until the A is over just about everything that comes out of her mouth is a lie. Including that she loves you in anyway. She would NOT do this if she were in love with you or respect you. It remains to be determined if in fact she does, but that can only be determined AFTER the A is over.

I would read up on plan A, which you clearly are doing some of right now. I would also see a lawyer and discuss your options and prepare for plan B. Do some reading on it and understand the purpose of plan B is for you to hold on to your love of your W as long as possible. The idea is to have some love left when the A ends. If you run out before the A ends, there will be nothing left to rebuild the marriage on.

So continue to do plan A, and read up on it. Exposure is part of it and you have started. Her children need to know as well. Then start your preparations for plan B.

Welcome to this site and God Bless,

JL

Oh I'm so sorry for what you are going through. I agree with JL, whatever she says is tainted by lies. She is deep in a fog. The whole "I'm not in love with you" bit is bc she is feeling the intensity at the beg of relationships. Real love isn't like that. What she's feeling is romantic love. I know that distinction doesn't ease the pain of what she's doing. Just remember, romantic love doesn't last. Relationships that are built from lies and deceit (like affairs) will eventually crumble once the honeymoon period is over. Commitment is what makes healthy marriages last.

Also, WS tend to reflect on the bad things in the marriage to justify what they're doing. In the same light, BS will focus on all the good things and wonder why something like this would happen to them.

Reality lies somewhere in-between.

The best advice I have in making it through this is work on yourself. I know you want to turn to her to make things better, but she's in no state to help yet. Make it clear to her how much you love her and that you believe in a great future together. Then start acting like you are okay and start doing things for yourself. Keep converstations light unless she initiates something deeper. When H would call me, I would be cheery and calm. You are trying to show her your best (even if you feel your worst). Its strange but when you start behaving it will eventually become your natural attitude. Then you realize this strength inside of you that just changes you and whatever the outcome of the marriage is, you know you will be okay. You will be a better person. Of course, you want the marriage to work and the changes you make in yourself are real. Your wife will probably be surprised at how appealing you've become and the beauty of it is that it produces real changes in your attitude.

Read up on Plan A/B. It sounds like you are ready for that first step Plan A.

This is very tough. Hang in there and take care.

Hannah

Thanks for all of the quick replies it does help knowing that you are not the only one going thru this pain.
Sorry I guess I did not clarify it very well. W first stopped A on 4/28/05. However, she believed that she owed him some sort of explanation so she went to see him while I was at work. She came home and told me that she had broken it off with him and they were no longer going to see or call each other. I called a lawyer and the next day I told her to start figuring out how she wanted to divide the assets, I asked her if she wanted to by buy my half of the house or put it on the market, which vehicle she wanted and so on. I stopped paying into my 401K and stopped direct deposit of my paycheck. Than I told her that if, I caught her calling him again that was the end. I am not going to be her doormat.
There had been NC with OM until 6/19/05. She had went to her doctor in another town and I tried to call her on her cell, when she got home she told me that her battery was dead. I could tell that she had been crying but she said it was just her depression, which she has been trying to get under control for years. She asked if I would go and get a movie for us to watch. When I got in the car I saw her phone laying there, she had forgotten to grab it. I saw that there were a few voice messages on it so I called her voice mail and figured out her password. One of them was from OM asking her to call him. when I got home with the movie I again confronted her with what I had found, she told me that he had called her and that she told him she did not want him calling her again, that she told him all he wanted was a piece of a$$ and that is why he left the message. Therefore, I called the cell phone company to see if she had called him, she had not. As of to date I can find no proof that she is still in contact with OM. She tells me that it is over and she wants to rebuild our marriage.

I have committed at least one major LB, I told W that if contact did not cease, that I was going to make OM pay for her indiscretions along with his own, being that I would never hit a woman, that I would stomp his guts out and not mind going to jail for it. Being that I am an Ex Marine MP and do not have a lot of tolerance for people playing with me. I have never taken any kind of crap off anybody. However, for some reason this woman turns me into jelly. I loved her from the first moment that I saw her. Her children treat me as if I am there father (and there father is still in the picture). My stepson says that I was more of a father than his real dad was. The kids have not gone to there mothers corner and I know that makes her mad. All three are strongly behind me, I think that says something when the stepchildren support you over there mother.

I do not want to make it sound as if I had no fault in this. I did. I was very comfortable and content, but time has a way of making us complacent. I thought this is what being married for a long time was like. Yes I did take it for granted, that she would always be there, I guess I didn’t need that spark that feeling of euphoria, I can be a loner at times and not need to have contact with other people, but I now see that she does and I am going to try and make it come back.

Thanks for letting me vent.

Keystone

Keystone,

You are 44 and the ahole is 60??? Maybe a little face to face discussion might help..maybe alot!! Intimidation can be a useful tool.

You are in a war here, defending your family and trying to extract your wife from the foggy depths of the OM's clutches. He has done this before...he knows what he is doing. Exposing does not seem to help...hell everyone knows already, right?

""She told me not to bother, that he was just a harmless old man that needed someone to talk too.""

What happened to this harmless old man???

""Instead of picking up the phone and talking to me, he starts yelling and cussing that I am a liar and my W is a liar and runs out the door and leaves.""

The old fart is a cowardly scum bag!! Get into Warrior mode and fight for your family!!

IMHO

k

Keystone,

""I was going to make OM pay for her indiscretions along with his own, being that I would never hit a woman, that I would stomp his guts out and not mind going to jail for it. Being that I am an Ex Marine MP""

SO.....please ignore my last post! AND I would not consider that an LB.

So you are venting...the A is over, OM is out of the picture, your wife is remorseful and willing to reconcile and rebuild? She is going through withdrawal (maybe) and still is throwing absurd fogbabble your way once and a while.

But things are on the mend? Yes?

k

Like I said in the previous post, I was going to go and knock the sh$$ out of him. But I thought it would be like beating up my grandpa. I'm no little guy 5"8 310lbs and have spent many years powerlifting. I asked my W if she thought OM would like to meet someplace and have it out with me . But she told me that I would kill him, that he would't stand a chance againest me. This is all so silly. the more that I thought about it I new that smacking around a old man was not going to solve the problem.
The only thing it would have done is push her closer to him and I was not going to let that happen, I started fighting her with kindness telling her how mush I love her and restoring nosexual touching,listening and I took her out on a date and we went and set and ate in the park. I can see a small change but I know it is going to take alot of work to get her back fully.

Keystone

I disagree with krusht on this. The problem is not OM, the problem is WS. Concentrating on OM is a way to create a scapegoat so you and she don't have to work on the real issue. (The real issue being that somewhere along the way, you and she stopped communicating about the things that matter most in life.)

Right now, you have to work on making sure that A is ended. One thing that is very helpful is to start working on improving the M--you and her should take steps to get your M back on track. Anything that you can do to show that you want her to have a fulfilling life in the M is good at killing the A.

I'm a big believer in marriage encounter weekends. Local churches have them all the time. They are really great.

Also, how about marriage counselling? Anything you can do to help get the M back on track is good.

Krusht, thanks for your post but the first one made my day. It was funny as hell. ILMBO at it. I was at work when I read it and I started laughing so hard that my boss came into my cube to see what I was laughing about. Yes the A is over and W quit the job where OM is so she doesn’t have to have contact with him. W made the decision, I never pushed her to quit. I just told her to make a decision as to whether she wanted to stay with me or be with OM, I told her that at that time I didn’t care which one she made just get off the fence and make one. I made her mad when I told her, “If you chose to stay with OM, since he is so old. Look me up after you put him in the nursing home if I haven’t remarried than maybe we can get together again”

Jimmy Mac, you are indeed right I have to put the OM out of my mind and get on with the real problems. You are correct in your statement that we stopped communicating someplace along the way. I don’t know how it happened but we would come home after work eat and then retreat into our own little worlds. I would go and watch TV or put on my headphones and listen to music. We may not say ten words to each other. Than off to bed, I’d get my Ipod and put in the earphones and she would watch Dr Phil and Oprah on the Tivo, and we would repeat the same thing the next night. Saturdays she would go yard to sales with her daughter and I would stay home and do the laundry and clean the house and on Sundays we would go to church (different churches) and than I would go and visit my mother for a couple of hours come home and finish up the yard work and any other chores that needed to be finished. W would go visit her daughter and friends than we would get together later in the day after six or so. She soon found out that she could use this free time on the weekend to see OM, I never called her or checked up on her, I didn't have a clue where she was, didn't much care. Just so long as when she came home she had food, beer and my chewing tabacco.
Some times I think to myself know wonder she was having an A, our life had become as boring as they get, the only thing that we did together was eat.

Keystone