April 14th - Went to OM house and found our vehicle. Confronted WW and she lied at first.

May 10th - Found out that the school she was teaching at was having a half day. She lied and said she was teaching. Confronted her again.

July 6th - She sends email to friend and it bounces back. Stating that she misses the OM and not sure she wants to be together. She been hiding her feelings from me.

July 11 - She tells me she has a secret. That it was actually her who initated the first kiss. It didn't seem to bother me that she started it. It bothers me greatly that she been lying so many times. The story she stuck to since March turns out to not completely true.

There been other things in between, but these are major points to me. I been trying to do a plan A. Don't know how well though. I just wonder if I am a fool/wimp/etc for not switching to plan B at any of the above points. I don't know if I have the guts to be alone. She says she wants to try but she can't tell me how much of a risk I am taking. She wants a day or two alone to "sort things out" to decide if she still wants this relationship or not. I have my own paranoias of why she wants the time. I guess that is why I am affraid of plan B as in my mind it is over then.

Can you elaborate here please. Tell us what you fear might happen if you are "alone".

That she would go to him and never return.

That I wouldn't be able to handle having the children by myself (cooking and such)

That I would be doomed to be isolated. In a room with myself.

Then they go in what would the kids think? What would other people say?

What life changes would you make if your wife died suddenly ... leaving you alone?

Geez Pep - harsh! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />

Mutt, know that you aren't the only one afraid of being alone; however, you do need to realize, and I'm sure you do, that we need to be able to function alone without anyone else if we're ever going to stand up for others as well. This is a concept I have had a really had time adjusting too after my WS left, but it comes in time. You will be fine if you're alone - in a sense; what your WS is doing has already left you alone. Don't fret, things will pan out either way.

Do NOT agree to the 'day or two alone' thing...it's an excuse and she WILL use it to spend time with the OM to explore her feelings with him!!!!!!

Trust me...it's classic, out of the script. And I VERY nearly got caught in the same trap...my WW was involved in an online EA. All I knew was that something was wrong in our marriage. She asked me for some time to herself to think about things...and part of the IM's that captured on d-day included her talking about using that time to meet with him!

The only way for this to work out is for her to completely end contact with OM. You need to actively push for her to do so, and tell her that she needs to make her choice AFTER she's had time away from him. As I suggested to someone else, challenge her and tell her it's only for 3 months. And if what they have is 'true love' (retching noises), three months won't make one little bit of difference in how she feels for him.

Just my thoughts.

naw... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />

This fighting affairs stuff requires guts and stamina ... ~and~ knowledge of how to plan.

If he had to be alone because of a sudden death , he'd find a way to manage. That is my point. He can find a way to manage the problems he faces, including fears he stated.

Not harsh ... pragmatic. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

"What life changes would you make if your wife died suddenly ... leaving you alone?"

Great analogy Pep!! You continue to amaze me!

To my knowledge (or at least from what she said) she had no contact with the OM since April 14th.

And for being alone, there is a difference in my opinion between being alone and being lonely. Yes, I could surviving the question would be would I want to.

It sounds like she is going to take the kids to her mothers this weekend. Whatever she planning to do during that time I do not know. I don't know what I would do during that time. I just feel I am fighting for something that I have no idea if I have a chance or not.

She did call me during lunch hour and told me that she wanted me to know that she was thinking of me and she loved me. I don't know if I can believe this now or not. Definately screwing with my mind. Bad enough that co-works got concerned and contacted conceling service division.

I just want definate answers I guess and I know I can't get them. I feel better after typing at times so at least it is not a total waste.

Mutt,

Continue to type away here! I was in tears about 10 minutes ago when I posted and now with the help of this awesome group I feel better!

I know what you mean about being lonely and alone. I also have this fear of being alone and feeling lonely. You have to look deep down inside yourself and find that person that you like to be with.

This is a long road and I am just at the beginning, but I wanted you to know we are here for you. Please listen to the vets. They are very wise!

Well, she is gone. She took the kids and went to her mother's. I couldn't exactly stop her. I could request but I believe she just blame something else on not letting her go. It was my idea of her taking the kids to her mother's though. I think I been a nervous reck for about two weeks and with this I do not want to lose it around the kids.

I just can't understand how she cuddle up with me, kiss me, etc. and then turn around and say she is not sure whats she wants. I know I read to much into things, but cuddling and the rest mean things to me. And her words mean the oppisite to me.

I don't know what I am going to do.

Want to buy some alcohol but my meds say to stay away from it.

Just that my mind runs with all the BAD possibilties that what she is doing with her time. Just like to make it stop.

Well, you were on the money.

Went by his house. No sign of van. Thought "hit the panic button on the key" and sure enough here goes the alarm. She admits that she wanted to findout where they would be if she went with him. She admits she wanted to sleep with him. I just happen to got there with 15 minutes from when she did (or so she says)

She says she we garantee total seperation for life with him but I managed to squeeze out that she is trying to convence herself about it. She actually admits that she is an addict.


"My problem. I can't remember who here I found this quote from but I like it.
The brightest future will always be based on a forgotten past;you can't go forward in life until you let go of your past failures and heartaches"

Well, I have trouble letting go and the heartaches keep coming.

"The obsession with suicide is characteristic of the man who can neither live nor die, and whose attention never swerves from this double impossibility."

Emile M. Cioran

That is what scares me. For having a brother who committed suicide I know this quote to be close.

"As anyone who has been close to someone that has committed suicide knows, there is no other pain like that felt after the incident"

Peter Greene

Although it is not as great as the pain I been feeling.
The kids are still at the grandma and I feel relaxed to the idea that if I choice suicide the kids won't be the ones to fine me. I just feel I can't win. Heartache no matter what way I go and lack the courage to make a decision.

To answer a question before. If she would die I would morn and move on. Seperated I have the deamons in my mind tortuning me endlessly. As death is a final point. Memories of what was and thoughts of what could have been. Topped with the reality of seeing her move on.

"The most difficult thing that you can do is to watch the person you love love someone else"

Mutt

(as Simple Plan Untitled plays over and over)