Just a small word of advice.

I have been around MB since 2001, I was the BS with DV final 5/04.

I don't post much any longer but I see so many here looking to see what is out in the relationship world beyond their recent divorce. And in some cases cases their pending divorce.

After my wife and I divorced I became involved with someone else. A wonderful woman and we did a lot together for the past year or more.

I thought (because I had been separated and on the DV path for nearly three years) that I was ready for another relationship.

As it turns out I guess I wasn't and we broke up over a month ago...a friendly parting, but still very hurtful...my fault mostly...just not ready to give what a true relationship needs.

My point is that once the DV is final we all need to proceed at a pace that allows us to heal and perhaps a grow a little.

I think this is a commonly help concept but I ignored it and ended up hurting someone who was very good to me.

We all travel this path at our own speed and perhaps tomorrow will be different for me and for everyone else but for now, in the words of the departed Sgt. Phil Esterhaus of the Hill Street Station:

"Hey...let's be careful out there." <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Best regards

E

So elad, why did it fail? Your analysis would be helpful information....you imply was a good fit, and worked well, and that the woman was ok with you...why weren't you ok with her?

Good question k-50.

It started out great and I never really thought it would fail. She and I had been friends for many years and had many similar interests.

As the relationship moved along, however, I felt the shadow of my marriage and that relationship more and more. It wasn’t so much a longing for what was really, but just that I knew how much I gave my previous relationship (both pre and post D-day) and I knew I wasn’t giving the new relationship that 100% commitment.

That may sound strange but I knew the person I was seeing deserved my full attention and commitment to the relationship and I just didn’t have it to give.

As I said---my fault and unfortunately if I had taken a little more time following the DV just for me, perhaps things would have turned out better.

That’s probably the best analysis I can give you.

Right now that’s what I am doing…taking some time for me…and while I feel bad about the relationship breaking up, and quite frankly, fairly lonely at times, I think I will be better prepared for another relationship down the line if that should happen. At least I hope so.

E

Sorry for your painful break-up Elad. ((((((Elad)))) Good to see you around again, though. Hope you'll stick around this new forum a bit. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Elad,

I know exactly what you are talking about, I had the same experience.

It's very good information to share, and hopefully you will have saved someone some heartache from your honesty.

Karona

Hi Faith...

Good to know someone remembers me... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I have lurked here off and on since this forum began but I haven't posted cause I didn't think I had much to offer.

I guess I have made the circuit here at MB like so many of us had. JFO, GQII, D&D and now here...hmmmm....not sure I liked the whole trip, ya know?

Anyway, I belive the stuff in my sig line and I am waiting to see what my next adventure is going to be.

I hope all is well with you. Do you still keep a MB photo thread?

Karona...

While I don't know your story I can appreciate how you may feel if you went thru a similar experience...it's, um well, difficult to say the least.

But I am not on a soap box here...just trying to offer a word or two to the wise. For what it's worth....

Take care,

E

Hey E,
Yep - they bump up that photo thread every now and then over on GQII. It's got bunches of photos on it these days.

I'm doin good. I am tryin to get out of a 2 and 1/2 year relationship. He jumped in too soon after losing his 1st W. And it just sorta took me that long to realize things weren't what I wanted. We had a great time. He did too. We learned a lot, and enjoyed the journey. We were careful and took things one day at a time. Parting ways is not easy. We are still friends, and I think everything will be fine going forward - I think we will each find someone new - and go our separate ways.

hugs,
Faith1

Faith....

I guess that's some irony for you, it sounds like you know exactly where I am coming from.

Don't know if you recall "Unsureheart" from the GQII board but she and I keep up to date a little thru e-mail.

She has had some similar experiences trying to move along in this process, too.

She and I have talked a little about how this whole deal just seems to draw so much out of you that at the end, it seems like you have nothing to give anyone....perhaps we need time to get our batteries re-charged.

Her advice to me in my current situation is that taking a break is probably a good thing and perhaps I will find out that my XGF and I were meant to be or that it really wasn't meant to work out.


It's just that the finding out part is hard and it's especially hard when you feel like you hurt somone else or let them down and that's the way I feel about my XGF.

The problem is she and I have been close friends for more than 20 years so it was real hard to say goodbye.

Sigh... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Just a day at a time, right?

My best

E

I think you have a point, Elad.
However, I don't imagine my first Post-Divorce relationship will end in marriage. Let me see, how many boyfriends did I go through before I married?

Well, too many. However, I wouldn't expect the first man I date to end in marriage. That's the scary part of dating. Either it ends in marraige or it just ends.

I do think I'll avoid dating friends though. Too risky to the friendship.

GG:

I was pretty adamant about not getting married again and made it pretty clear to my XGF and anyone else who would listen that I was done with marriage. Period! That attitude may have (probably) had a very undesired negative affect on the way I approached the relationship and hence, part of the reason for the split.

Like I said, I take full responsibility for it ending...though I suppose it has me thinking about re-thinking the marriage thing...just keeping an open mind I guess. Probably shoulda done that inthe first place--Duh! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

As for dating friends....that is risky, although we both knew it when we began....but it still doesn't make the parting any easier.

Best regards,

E

I have read this type of post from a few people and am confused by it...

I see my current (STB) ending M as a chapter that will be closing. I'll "open" it as required in future R's, but I can't see how my STBXW can hang a shadow over any of my future R's as long as my new Relationship Red Flag's aren't raised.

I think I have learned the lessons of where I went wrong and am ready to move beyond them and bring a BETTER man to a relationship than I have before.

The new R is its own creation, with its own personality and uniqueness.

I will do everything I can to earn the trust of any future ladies and I would hope that they would do the same.

I haev seen and felt what an M should be and it is what what I want most in life...a committed M where honesty prevails, trust and respect abounds and a fun/joking/kidding atmosphere lives.

Are all M's perfect? Certainly not, but I have seen the damage a problem unresolved can cause and the KEY is to TALK and work TOGETHER.

I have a lot offer a woman, IMVHO and I won't let the past interfere with that.

I hope this made sense...

WNB

You have actually touched upon a point that I think Elad may have mentioned himself. Not everyone progresses at the same pace.

Some need 6 months, some need 6 years. It depends on the person and what they've been through, I guess.

WNB:

JamesG has reinforced one of the points I made above. It is different for everyone.

Your sig line says you are healed and in your message you say you are healed and that's great!

I felt i was healed, too, however I found that I still had some ghosts to deal with. But that's just me.

My point is that there may be others that are in the same situation and we just need to be careful...that's not to say we shouldn't explore new relationships.

In fact in my post above yours I acknowledge that I should have kept a more open mind about a marrriage and probably a lot of other things, too, but I think I was having a hard time doing that becuase of my previous marriage---make sense?

I totally agree with you that there has to be as much TALK and working TOGETHER as possible.

In my R with my XGF, there wasn't and a large part of that was my fault....I actually have thought a lot about how we didn't talk (I only found out about a number of things she was conceredn about AFTER we broke up and had we talked about them openly in the R perhaps it would have been different) and wish we had both been more open.

We all move at our own pace and learn a long the way. I am just providing my experience here to share.

Best

E

Does that mean I am progressing? I certainly hope so...

The key for me is to CAREFULLY date with NO expectations and let things happen naturally. All the while keeping my EVENTUAL (no hurry at all) goal of a committed relationship and marriage in mind.

I am sure I will make mistakes, but my goal cannot be obtained if I let the roadblocks Life throws at all of us, stop me.

There was a line from the new Batman movie...I can't quote directly, but the gist of it was

"If Life never knocked us down, we'd never learn to pick ourselves up".

A work in progress...

WNB

Thanks for your honesty...I appreciate it when anyone posts their "Lessons Learned" here...I always learn something.

I must ask though...now that you are aware of your issues with XGF, is it something that could be worked through and fixed or has the "bell already been rung" and the R has run its course?

Thanks again,

WNB

WNB:

Re - Has the "bell already been rung" and the R run its course?

Excellent question.

My best answer is I don't know...never say never and all that, I suppose.

Right now I am taking some really needed time for myself to sort out a lot of things in all of this....some are the relationship issues with XGF....some are leftovers from my marriage....some are just things I need to do for me....most of it I shoulda done a year ago....

Amazingly, some insight just shows up when I am out for a run or mountain biking or whatever...I think when I am not trying to overthink it just stuff occurs to me ...some of it is a Eureka moment...some much more subtle but still there.

The bottom line is that this all just a continuing adventure and this is the part I am at right now....looking froward to the next part I guess...

But as old Max Ehrmann wrote in 1927:

"...no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should..." <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Regards

E

Very good point, GG. Saves me from beating myself up too much about my just ended three year post-marriage but still pre-divorce relationship.

JamesG said:
My H left 12/00, no contact since 5/02 (oops, I think those details are in my sig. line) and I got into a relationship with a friend 7/02. It was nice to feel appreciated by a good, kind, funny man, but I wasn't ready. I've read here it takes one year for every 5 or 6 years of relationship to recover and that's just about right for me coming out of an 18 year relationship. I'm over it now, but wasn't 3 years ago.

I wasn't quite as adamant, though I wasn't interested in marriage anytime soon. I thought my XBF held your attitude, but now he says he doesn't so I think it was just to each other. We got along, didn't fight - probably because there wasn't enough commitment (both renters) to get that worked up as well as both tending to withdraw rather than attack (like STBXH), and had good times together.

Although I'm still hurting right now, breaking up is what we both wanted, so no one got hurt. Despite the grief, I still see it as a healing experience after my abusive marriage.

This struck a cord with me...I was on the hearing end of that statement not long ago. I must say its been a bit of an ego bashing to have someone just not feel like giving it his all.

I'm left wondering -- if I'm as fabulous as he says, why isn't he jumping over mountains to keep me?

Can it be true that its really (really, really, really) not me / its him? (I feel like I'm in a "Friends" episode<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> )

So Elad, can you share more insights?

Ahhh Lexxy....you and I are about the same time frame, right?

Ain't life grand...OK...perhaps not.

All I can tell you is what I know and feel.

And you know what? That's what I heard from my XW...I am fabulous, so yeah I probably asked the same or a similar question...why ain't I worth jumping thru hoops for? I sure think I am!!!!

Quite honestly I think it's a great question.

Boyoboboy I wish I had a good answer.

I guess my answer to your question is yeah---it really, really, really isn't you....

Quite honestly I wish I would have been in a position to give it all...I wish I was there now...but I think I need to get there .....on my own...

I don't think it is something that should go directly to your ego, but I can see how it would for sure.

It is complex and while I can tell you and my XGF not to take it personally....how can you not, right?

I am sorry to hear you were on the hearing end of that...quite honestly I would not want to be, but it is all about feelings...not yours but your SO...and that's where it ended up for me...I just felt something wasn't right....and sometimes you just have to go with those feelings....it's not a direct reflection on you, but it's hard not to feel that way.

I hope some of that makes sense....

At any rate, I hope you are OK...and if I can try to answer any other ?????? please ask...

My best,

E