Hi. I've been lurking here for a few weeks, but I haven't posted anything until today.

We've been married for 14.5 years. First marriage for both of us. We have 2 kids.

In April my husband told me of something that happened in December. He met a co-worker in a parking lot of a bar because she had a coupon for him (a coupon for Toys "R" Us. By the way, my husband makes enough money that we don't exactly need coupons).

She gave him a lingering hug. He told me that he felt like she was coming on to him, and that if he'd wanted to take the hug a step further she wouldn't have objected. But this was just his impression; nothing overt was said.

Anyhoo, like I said, he told me about this incident a few months after the fact. But at least he told me. I told him that I thought that was inappropriate.

Then last month I went out of town for the weekend. I was only out of town for two days. DH stayed behind. I knew that he had a work party to go to on Saturday.

I got home Sunday night. "How was the party?" "Oh, fine." Nothing mentioned.

Monday my friend called me. She'd been at the party, too. She started talking about another mutual friend at the party, and how she felt so sorry for her because her husband had spent some time dancing with another woman. I brought this conversation up with my husband that night when he got home. "So, who was this woman that John* was dancing with while Jane just sat at the table?"

Right then my husband turned and looked at me, and there was something in his face that made my heart stop. Seriously... he was wide-eyed. Scared.

"Was it Jennifer Taylor?" He said. "Maybe he was dancing with her. I can't remember."

Anyway, I knew something was wrong. I think I was sick about it for a day.

The next day I confronted him. I said, "Were YOU dancing with Jennifer Taylor?"

He admitted that he was. He told me that he'd spent a lot of time at the party talking with her and her son (she's married and she has a five year-old son). Our kids weren't at the party, they were home with a babysitter.

We talked about a lot of things... I was hurt. But so what if he was dancing with another woman? People dance together. I wasn't there, was he just supposed to sit around? Or turn her down when she asked him to dance? Then, he told me that she was the same co-worker he'd met in the parking lot in December. THEN I thought: uh oh. And we talked some more... they've been talking at work, they're the same age, and they both have similar-aged kids... he told me that he was attracted to her. She gives him tons of attention. Lots of eye contact, smiles... and of course, Hugs.

He tells me that nothing has happened. He seems very sincere. He tells me that they haven't had any conversations of a very intimate nature... Just long conversations at work when he had other things to do. He said that he'd felt that they were inappropriate, though, so... I'm still confused as to what it was they were talking about.

He told me that he wouldn't talk to her anymore. So I think at this point it was just an attraction, and one that I'm glad he told me about.

Then, about a week 1/2 ago, we went to a concert in a park. We were supposed to meet up with some friends, but they were late. I told my husband to stay at the top of the hill and look for them, while I went walking around to try to find them.

I was gone for about 5 minutes... I didn't find our friends. But when I was walking towards the place I'd left my husband, I noticed this woman talking to him. She seemed very friendly towards him. Well. Guess who it was.

He introduced us. I think I did pretty well, even though my heart was beating right out of my chest.

Later, when we were driving home, I asked, "So, did she hug you again?"

And he said, "Yes! Arrrgh!"

So there ya go.

I'm trying to nip this thing in the bud, and she's hugging him. Would she hug him in front of me, I wonder? Maybe she's just "huggy". And he's flattered by the attention.

So what should I do? Do any of you have any specific advice--for me, for him--about how to draw the line when it comes to hugs? How do you say "No thanks" without seeming rude?

Thanks in advance for any help...

*all names have been changed

GOOD JOB !!!!!

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Whew! Thanks. I've been thinking about posting this for a while. Feels good to get it done.

Elle,

I agree with Pep that you're doing a good job. Your husband gets credit for talking with you about this and acknowledging that it's inappropriate.

Are you familiar with the term "emotional affair"? I think these are just as serious as physical affairs.

I think it's time for you to get educated. The best book on workplace affairs is "Not Just Friends", by Shirley Glass.

Also His Needs, Her Needs by Willard Harley is outstanding. It tells you how to "affair proof" your marriage. I think it should be required reading for everyone...especially BEFORE an affair is started.

Also Surviving an Affair by Willard Harley is a great book too; a must read if an affair has occurred.

In the meantime look at the basic concepts on this website and download the EN questionnaires. Fill one out for you, and see if you husband is interested in filling one out too.

As you get educated, you'll gain confidence in your relationship. Glad you found us!

Oh, and I'm willing to bet she would NOT hug him if you were standing there...and yes - I'll bet your husband as a strong emotional need for admiration.

At the very least she has a huge crush on your husband, and I'm sure he's truly flattered....

Another term on MB is POJA - policy of joint agreement. It's briefly described in general concepts and there's a great book on it called "Give & Take" by Willard Harley.

If I were in your shoes, I would POJA him not going to any company parties without you. She needs a real dose of how tight you and your husband are.

CSue--Thanks for your advice. I've seen that book "Not Just Friends" mentioned around here before and I've thought more than once that it is the book for me right now. I didn't know about those EN questionnaires... I will get to work on them. I think he'd be willing to fill them out.

He does have a strong emotional need for admiration. He's a pretty accomplished guy. Frankly, I think I've been less than entirely appreciative. And, what concerns me too is that his own father had affair after affair after affair. He's still a player at 65.

My MIL divorced him about 20 years ago. She's told me that FIL had an insatiable need--how did she put it--to be adored, constantly. She just couldn't give him everything he needed in that department... it would be hard to find any ONE woman who could. I don't think there's a woman alive that my FIL wouldn't flirt with, myself included.

My DH has always been highly critical of his father and his philandering. He doesn't want to be like him in any way. But I know that he still has the need for admiration. And I've been too wrapped up in the kids to really be there... in fact, kick me for this, but...

A few months ago he told me that work was stressing him out and that he wanted to back off a little bit. What did I tell him? "We can't afford to do that right now." Can I just kick myself now? Heck yeah. What was I thinking. What kind of a person would say that to a guy who works 60+ hour weeks? Omg. Jeez. Somebody tell me I didn't say that.

And, CSue--that idea is perfect. That is exactly what we should do. I can't believe I didn't think of that, but it makes perfect sense. NO company parties without me. That needs to be agreed upon.

Elle,

I can certainly relate - my husband has a great need for admiration; it's one of his top 5 ENs. However he didn't consciously know until we went through the work of the questionnaires. He was embarrassed about it - wasn't happy at all to find out how important it was to him.

Sort of one of the unpopular ENs, like physical attractive spouse. But I believe it's better to be honest about ENs than to simply pick the popular ones...just because you don't particularly like them doesn't mean they are not true.

I'll see if there's more details on the site about "admiration"; if not I'll look it up in HNHN.

It's a tricky EN. My husband's PA was over when he told me about it; however his EA was in full swing when we were in recovery from his PA. Believe me the EA OW was dishing out admiration by the bucket.

In my husband's case the more admiration he got the more he needed. He was having some really great successes in his career at the time, fulfilling some lifelong dreams and getting enormous admiration from many different sources.

No way 1 person could compete with all the outside admiration being heaped upon him. It was insincere for me to try to compete. I'll check around and see what I can find on the subject!

Edited to add - I see a couple of things I'll copy here -

From the Basic Concepts section of the website:

What is an emotional need? It is a craving that, when satisfied, leaves you with a feeling of happiness and contentment, and, when unsatisfied, leaves you with a feeling of unhappiness and frustration. There are probably thousands of emotional needs. A need for birthday parties, peanut butter sandwiches, Monday Night Football, I could go on and on. Some have them, some don't. If you feel good doing something, or when someone does something for you, it's meeting an emotional need.

But not all emotional needs are created equally. When some are met, you may only feel comfortable--they make small Love Bank deposits. There are others, however, that can make you feel downright euphoric when met. In fact they make you so happy that you're likely to fall in love with the person that meets them. I call those our most important emotional needs because, when met, they make the largest Love Bank deposits of all. And those are the very same emotional needs that a husband and wife expect each other to meet in marriage.


Admiration

If you have the need for admiration, you may have fallen in love with your spouse partly because of his or her complements to you. Some people just love to be told that they are appreciated. Your spouse may also have been careful not to criticize you because criticism may hurt you deeply if you have this need.
Many of us have a deep desire to be respected, valued and appreciated by our spouse. We need to be affirmed clearly and often. There's nothing wrong with feeling that
Learn to meet the need of Admiration
way. Even God wants us to appreciate Him.

Appreciation is one of the easiest needs to meet. Just a word of appreciation, and presto, you've just made somebody's day. On the other hand, it's also easy to be critical. A trivial word of rebuke can set some people on their heels, ruining their day and withdrawing love units at an alarming rate.

Your spouse may have the power to build up or deplete his or her account in your Love Bank with just a few words of admiration or criticism. If you can be effected that easily, be sure to add admiration to your list of important emotional needs.

Hey CSue, I just wanted to let you know that the POJA about going to company parties together, and to never go to any get-togethers alone, is under way. He wholeheartedly agreed that that was the way to go. I want to thank you for that idea. So: thank you, thank you thank you.

I am going to start working on the EN questionnaire next.

I haven't filled it out yet, but I know that his need for admiration is really strong. He can't seem to say "no" to people who need him at work. And I have a hard time not being upset and wenchy when he works overtime. That's what I need to work on. Patience. I knew he was a workaholic when I married him. I wonder if there's a support forum out there for Wives of Workaholics, lol.