I'm the BS. We are now divorcing despite my best efforts at MB/Plan A/Plan B, etc. My F?WH expresses anger that I "was not happy for him" when he decided to live the single life while we were married and found his A partners, and that if I loved him I would have made things easy on him. He is now angry that I'm not giving him an easy divorce. (Easy, in his mind, means giving me much less than I'm entitled to even though he makes 10x as much or more, and not mentioning the truth about his As and cruelty in the court documents.)

For a while, I thought about a pleasant, almost Plan A divorce because I had strong hopes we would reconcile. We even counseled w/ SHarley at the last moment and SH even said that at this point the Div and the threat of it are hanging over our heads and making us both feel cautious and untrusting (albeit for different reasons), so maybe getting the Div over and starting fresh is best for both of us. However, I don't think my H will ever change or is capable of a healthy M and I don't think he is sincere about R as I think he has restarted one of his As because he is angry with me for not allowing an easy Div and OW agrees with whatever he wants. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

So, just wanted to get some general MB advice. Should I agree to easy/unfair settlement Div or should I let a standard Div occur? Keep in mind that in my situation, if I don't allow an easy/cheap Div, then all hopes of R are completely gone and we will never speak again. It's so hard to accept that and think of my H as forever out of my life. I don't care for the current H, but I really miss the old (real) H and I believe he will come back one day. Hope takes a long time to die. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />
thanks

I don't think you should even consider giving him an easy divorce since that is not in your best interest. Don't help him screw you over; you are most likely not going to speak to him again anyway so you might as well make sure your interests are protected. And any person who threatens to cut you off because you won't allow them to screw you over is not exactly the kind of person I would WANT to "speak " to in the future anyway. With friends like that, who needs enemies? Take care of your interests and do it aggressively, butterscotch. You aren't going to have him anyway, might as well have something to show for it, along with your self respect.

Butterscotch,

I am sorry you find yourself in this position. I too had a spouse that thought I was a [censored] through divorce.

I can give you one piece of advice that allowed me to go for what I deserved and not worry what the WWXW thought about it.

When my WWXW would start raising hell about the details and call to tell me what an [censored] I am, this is what I told her....

"I've never gotten a divorce, I don't know the first thing about it, I paid my attorney to handle it just like I pay a plumber to plumb my house, he is doing his job so I don't have to worry or think about it and can concentrate on our kids while this travesty continues"

See how that works Butter? You are not masterminding some secret plot to destroy the WS, just along for the ride because the law is some "mysterious" thing you don't understand....lol..just keep repeating it for awhile and it will sink in WS brain.

It took about 2 weeks for the crap to stop once she realized I wasn't in control of the process and neither was she.

Hope this helps.

RBM

"Keep in mind that in my situation, if I don't allow an easy/cheap Div, then all hopes of R are completely gone and we will never speak again."

Who told you that bit of nonsense, your WS ? Why would you believe anything he says?

butterscotch, put another way, if a murderer was trying to murder you, would you hand him the knife so he wouldn't be mad at you? "If you don't hand me that knife, I won't like you."

Does that sound very rational?

Hi butterscotch,

I agree with the other's and as a BW going through a D too right now,I would say that at this point,you have to look out for your own best interests,despite whatever WH says or does.He,nor reconciliation,should be factors.As hard as it is,you cannot think about those matters only that you protect yourself.

In my case,my WH and I have been doing Mediation for about 9 months now obviously to try and avoid adversarial Lawyers,huge costs and more hatred.It has turned out to be a very long,slow and arduous process that has not resolved anything now that my WH has changed gears and doesn't want to agree to what we already agreed upon regarding money.Everything else is pretty much settled on paper but for some reason,he is being more difficult and so,being the conscientious person I am,felt a need to be fairly represented by another Lawyer to hash this out.Mediators are impartial.

I am still hoping we can settle this fairly and my WH isn't at all happy that I have taken this new route but in all honesty,I would be very foolish not to.I have two daughters to raise,a future to think about,a huge mortgage and lots of money to contend with.I admit to not knowing what specifically I need to be doing at all times and I need to talk to a professional who can guide me.I have never been through this before like RB said so I will not pretend to know it all.

My WH goes back and forth between being understanding of what I am doing because of what he did to us and our family and being very upset at me and I am sure it is partly due to pressure from the homewrecker or that I am interfering in his plans with that person.

Don't agree to anything without talking to a professional first,just like MB and A's.Knowledge is power.

O