My wife and I have been together for 10 years (married for 7 3/4). I have to admit that for the past few years I have been distant and haven't really met her needs. The marriage has had a number of issues (my alcholism, her drug addiction) but we have seemingly always worked it out.
On Father's Day she was introduced to her best friends boyfriend, and they began an EA. A week or so later, they started a PA. She left for the night to be with him and I rejected her the next day when she begged me to stop her from going. I was hurt and just couldn't seem to get through the pain.
Two days later, I realized how much I care for her and asked her to come back. She agreed and the first few days were awesome. I have been able to forgive her the A even though I still feel the hurt. After three days together, she claimed she needed "some space and some time to think", and told me she was going back to stay with a friend of her's who lives up the street from him.
The next day she called me asking if she could come back. I let her. Since then, she has gone from one extreme to another. Loving me to so angry at me she can't seem to stand the sight of me.
My plan has been to be understanding (I had a PA while I was married to my 1st wife and know the pain she is feeling), try to be affectionate and let her know how much I care. Her number one need is affection and I have done all I can to show her that.
Since then, she has left two other times, one of them claiming to be with the friend, and later admitting that she was with him (but nothing has happened she tells me).
This past weekend we spent some time in a beautiful mountain village in a romantic getaway looking for some spark. On Saturday I tried to cut her loose telling he I needed to know it was over, that if she couldn't cut her lover loose I was cutting her loose. She wouldn't let me, in fact she called and left him a message that she couldn't see or talk to him anymore.
Yesterday she left again to go to his house. She called me and I outlined my boundaries (she calls them conditions) about our relationship.
1. She must be willing to commit to work on our marriage including openess, honesty, compassion, and work.
2. Write a letter to him ending the A. I need to see that letter and we will mail it together.
3. No contact of any type in the future with either him or the friends who act as intermediaries.
4. Surrender her cell phone.
5. be willing to be monitored.
She is furious and I realize that a large part of this is that she feels I am taking control of her. I just feel that these are reasonable requirements. She called me today, expressing her anger and dislike of these requirements. I told her she is in no position to negotiate - she has proven she can't be trusted in this and she will have to earn it back.
She came home again today with a huge chip on her shoulder. When I got home she was cold and distant, letting me know that she isn't happy with me. Her biggest issue with me is that it took an A to get me to love her again. She seemed barely able to tolerate me and after 30 mins told me she was going to get a motel room somewhere so she could think and process. I asked her to call me with a number so I could reach her in the event of an emergency. She left 3 hours ago and hasn't called yet.
I believe that she is with her lover and am planning to go to his house in the AM to confirm it.
I feel like I am repulsive to her and that she can not stand to be around me. When she is gone we talk and it is good communication, but when she comes home it is the attitude, depression, mood, etc.
I am wondering if I should just cut her loose and wait to see if she comes back. I believe that the guy she is seeing won't be around for long, he is a drummer in a bar band and the women love him.
I know that if she is with him, I will tell her goodbye. If she isn't with him, I am looking for suggestions about how to deal with this.
