We have been married almost four years and have two children. My husband broke my heart when I first discovered his internet porn problem and I have caught him in the act two more times (every few months). When I catch him he will confess to multiple incidences. We are highly involved in the our church. He is the Pastor. Every time I catch him he gets a new book, he just got "His needs, Her needs". He also installed an internet filter. But it seems like a bandaid on a cancer. At first I thought it was my fault and I increased our sexual activity and my response. I take care of appearance and try to be as sexy as possible. He insists that I am very sexy to him and that is not the problem. He is doing his best to overcome this.
But I have repeatedly met men I am extremely attracted to (even before the porn problem). I have never acted on it but am currently involved in an emotional affair with a man in our church. It has gotten to the point where we just try to avoid each other. I constantly think about him even though I rationally realize he isn't even my type. I play out scenarios of physical involvement with him in my mind. His wife is pretty nasty to him so that doesn't help things. I feel we would treat each other better than our current spouses do. Sometimes I think if he just told me how he felt I'd get some sort of ego boost and move on- avoiding the affair. But I even have thought at times that I may love him. I find it very hard to feel love for my husband, and even during sex am thinking about this other guy. We have two children I adore and I am willing to do what it takes to give them the best. But this marriage is in crisis.
Beacause he is a pastor, and because of this other man, I dread Sunday mornings. I feel we are hypocrites trying to keep up a facade. There isn't anyone I trust to talk to about this because most people would be shocked and upset to know the truth.
Do I continue to live with a man who has a problem with internet porn? Will this harm our children? Can I feel love for him? And how do I overcome my "love" for this other man?
Maybe someone has answers. I feel I have grounds for divorce as he has made love to countless strangers on the internet, but I want the best for my children.

Catherine,
I am only going to deal with one part of yoursituation, having an affair. I don't feel that I have the knowledge to help you on the other areas.

If you haven't done so already, read some of the posts in this section. You can see that they are full of pain and that that pain extends to both the betrayed and betrayer. Is it reallly worth it?

If you think it is, then ,maybe, you should consider seperating from your husband and filing for divorce. At least that way it is more honest.

If it isn't, then you and your H need to get in MC and work things out. Also, he needs to look at IC for himself to deal with his problems.

Vaya con dios,
Gordon

IMHO, tell your husband EVERYTHING...your perception of his problem, how it is pushing you away to the point of an EA with another man and tell him who it is...leave no stone unturned.

To be sure, your M has problems and needs some real work, but your sense of awareness of these problems is good.

Seek some pro-M counseling, even if your H doesn't want to go...no matter what happens (recovered M or D), if you come out of this a better person, you have won.

YOu can only work on YOU...you can't make your H do anything.

He has his own choices to make...demonstrating what a GOOD W you are makes you more attractive and it SHOULD draw him to you, barring any real character problems.

It took me a while to learn that lesson, but it's one worth repeating consistently.

Best wishes,

WNB

One problem with pastors is that they sometimes feel they can't talk to anyone about their problems, that they have to "act" like the Godly, sinless leader they think people want them to be.

Phooey. Your husband has a porn problem and he needs help with it. There are Sex Addicts Anonymous meetings readily available. Perhaps that would be a good place for him to start.

But there are other issues in your marriage as you stated. One is that you refuse to get help. Does your chuch at large have a counseling system in place for their church leaders? If so, please take advantage of it. And believe me, they've heard everything and it will be confidential.

Now, as for OM, you know, the other guy in church that you are already having an affair with (emotional, but an affair just the same).

The thoughts you are mentioning are the very types of thought that lead people to each other and to an affair. His wife is mean; your huband is a porn freak; the grass looks so nice and green on the other side.

Do not be fooled by what you see, or what you feel. You are in need of something in your marriage, but it needs to come from your husband. If you keep entertaining your "what if" thoughts and don't limit your imagination in "going there," soon enough you will be right in the middle of a tawdry, painful affair. You children, your marriage, even you church hangs in the balance.

Get help now. Talk with your husband about your emotional affair and together, get help for your problems and his.

Your marriage can be good again. You just haveto do some hard work, but it can be so worth it.

~ Snow

Snow, as usual, hit the nail squarely on the head. However, I would recommend one further step for each of you. Your H needs professional help for his problem with porn. It is made clear that Harley's principals do not work as well, if at all, when there are other addictions involved. Your H needs to seek out a professional immediately, and begin to deal with this problem.

For you, I would recommend getting copies of Surviving an Affair and His Needs/Her Needs and read them ASAP, to learn more about the dynamics of affairs and how marriages become vulnerable. I would also recommend you call the Harley's and schedule a session for YOU.

You are on a slippery slope, and to take even one more step in the wrong direction could be catastrophic for you and your husband, personally and financially.

Have a serious talk with your H as mentioned above and set some boundaries for yourself, including H getting the help he needs, and you eradicating thoughts of the OM from your head.

Stick around for help on this forum. There's lots of caring and knowledgeable people here for your support.

One last thought... install a key logger on your computer, to keep tabs on your H's on-line activities, just for your own protection, at this point.

Best wishes,
SD

My xh had a porn issue too. I found out about the problem shortly after marriage 14 yrs ago. It continued over the years slowing down, and just when I started feeling comfortable again it would rare it's ugly head again. I felt betrayed, unattractive, like I was not enough for him. Over time, what made matters worse is he stopped wanting to be intimate with me in any way. It began slow, then over the years it gradually became worse and worse to the point that he told me he hated sex, and would go the rest of his life without it.

Well I wasn't looking for an affair, but the last few years of my marriage, I would get tired, lose hope, get scared gain hope, and tire out again. I began feeling really depressed, asked him for help on the marriage. More and more he was unwilling to work with me on anything, let alone care about my feelings of hurt.

One day a guy knocked on my door, I was not seeking any of this. He came to me with his sob stories of how his wife treated him like crap, how much left her ect...ect...*roll eyes* In my depression I fell for it hook line and sinker.

This was his game. Get away from him NOW! This is how men lure weak women in, and it IS a trap. I fell into it.

Where this got me?
1) Divorced, lost the man I really did love, wishing now and regretting everyday of my life. I should have had more answers, and given my marriage more time. Saw the red flags and initiated my own therapy. I still love him and grieve his loss everyday.
2) I lost custody of my children. He had more money since I was a stay at home mom and student. I cannot raise my children the way a mother should now. They are my life, I also grieve the loss of them everyday.
3) Lost my home and security. The grass is not greener on the other side. While I never had a traditional affair i.e. Intercourse,falling in love,constant contact. I messed up bad enough to lose all that I had also worked for in the past 14 yrs.

Was it worth any of this? NO! The flirting feels good, but you don't want it from this guy, you are seeking it from your husband. There are just issues that need to be taken care of so he and you come to a happy medium. It will not come over night, and you may still remain maritally unhappy while going through the process. But would you rather have my life? I'd trade with you in a heart beat.

Please don't make the mistakes that I made. Don't let your emotions lie to you and tell you that you think you need something else. There are a lot of issues needing taken care of, but you can take care of them together. Not all relationships can be saved, not all h's are willing to work on it, but find out, and end this relationship, get healthy, and then pursue something else.

Any man willing to mess with a married woman, is not a man worth having.

DO NOT compound your problems by seeking retribution through a physical affair. Stop all contact with this other man. Tell your husband he needs to get help for his porn addiction or you will expose him to the elders of the church. It's not worth it to live in this secret life.

Your husband must know the scriptures that hold those in leadership over the church to a higher level of strictness and accountability for their actions. I'm sure you do too.

You do need something else. You and your husband need healing and restoration.

I have the same problem with porn. There are two things that have been helping me. Reading the bible and knowing I have MALE friends that are holding me accountable. Notice I said nothing about my wife, I feel to guilty to tell her if it were to happen again. Now the guys I would tell and they do bug me every few weeks. I honestly would tell your husband you insist he get an accountability partner/s. Heck it would be good for the church at large since he will be leading by example. No he should not announce what is going on, but if someone askes he just needs to say that they are holding him accountable to keep him on the straight and narrow.

He will of course say he does not need it since he is the pastor. Remind him he is human:)- No one is perfect by any streatch of the imagination and all of us need help from time to time.

I agree wholeheartedly. You will regret it if you have an affair, you will feel guilt. You do not want this in your life.