W and I are looking at reconciliation. She has not moved back, she hasn't asked, and neither have I. A lot of people have told me to hold off but there are financial and other considerations. The apart. has been furnished by om plus he has offered to pay rent for her so I want that hold to be broken. But if she moves to another plave , she as to break her lease(security deposit and 1 month rent goodbye)find another place and pay deposit and security there.<BR> I don't remember your case so don't know if your spouse was out of the house or not. <BR>Did you two start counseling when you were apart, or after you got back together. Did you start back as man and wife or did you start dating all over again. I remember that you said you started doing alot of non-sexual touching, anything else ?

RWD, <P>Good news that you and your wife are considering reconciliation. Just talking about has got to be refreshing after what you have been through.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>I don't remember your case so don't know if your spouse was out of the house or not.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>My wife never moved out of the house. Although we did come close. We found an apartment and she was ready to go. When push came to shove, she decided to stay because of the kids. <P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Did you two start counseling when you were apart, or after you got back together.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>We never attended couseling. I offered, and offered, and offered but she would have nothing to do with it. I couldn't even get her to read any of the books. What brought her around was my changed behavior and loving attitude. <P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Did you start back as man and wife or did you start dating all over again.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>No where near man and wife status at first. My first goal was to become her friend again. I honestly looked at my wife one day last Decemeber and realized that I no longer knew her anymore. At that point, it had been about 7 months since we made love, probably 3-4 months since I kissed her, and at least two since I had even touched her in a meaningful way. Very sad indeed. We were in pretty bad shape as a husband and wife.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>I remember that you said you started doing alot of non-sexual touching, anything else?<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>My wife would not fill out the emotional needs questionaire so I had no clue as to what her needs were. I did a lot of hit and miss. I set out to win her back in the face of rejection (she was still involved with OM). <P>I found that the keys to her heart were opened with conversation and touch. The conversation was tough at first. She didn't want to talk so I felt I was interviewing her. But I kept at it. I asked her loads of questions and found many things she enjoyed talking about. I made a point of setting aside time every day to talk to her. Focused attention. Now, we can talk to one another for hours if we want. I love talking with her. <P>The other key to her heart was in touch. I offered hair rubs, foot rubs, and back rubs. If we were watching a movie I will rub her hair. When she gets home from work I'll rub her feet. And at bed time I give her a back rub every night. I suppose some guys would tire from giving like this but I don't. I love touching her. Now, I can honestly say I know every inch of my wife's body - and that's a nice thing to be able to say. <P>I also made sure we went out a lot. One thing that I know attracted her to someone else was the idea of being out and away from responsibilities. So, we go out at least once a week now. Movies, plays, concerts, dinners, museums, you name it. Things we never did we are now doing. It's pretty fun too. we are enjoying life together.<P>RWD, it took many many months to get her to open up to me. We went a year without making love, and now we are together again and it is nice. She knows that I can now touch her with out it always leading to sex. She is responding better than I can ever remember before this mess. We hold hands again when we go out. She kisses me more. I got a bunch of compliments this past weekend. Things seem to be getting better as each day passes. It was very tough at first. But, if you can put your needs on a shelf for a while and give abundantly to her, she will eventually respond. <P>I hope this helps. Please don't hesitate to ask any other questions. <P>SHA<P>

SHA, thank you for your response to RWD and all your other posts. Your warmth, compassion and giving nature comes through loud and clear. Have you always been like that?<P>Similar to your situation, my wife continues her affair but sleeps at home. The only reason she hasn't left is because her lawyer advises her not to until we have a separation agreement. She is in a classic romantic affair, which I fear will not crash until sometime after they are both divorced and remarried. They went out together last night in what I think was some kind of anniversary celebration. Meanwhile even though I myself am sick, I was left with a sick boy trying to catch up with homework and a daughter wrought with guilt about stuff she has shared with her mother but has been asked to keep secret, because "he will only get mad". She gets mad saying the only reason I've changed is because of the affair, followed by "see he hasn't changed!" <P>Once again thanks for all your posts.

awoken, <P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Your warmth, compassion and giving nature comes through loud and clear. Have you always been like that?<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>No. I think I was a husband who lost sight with what was really important. I came to realize I let my wife down and was not giving her my best. She now knows how much I love her. I like the changes I have made in my self. I am happier and I can look my self in the mirror again. <P>Awoken, I got the same sort of comments from my wife many months ago that you are getting. She was certain I was doing all this because I was affraid she would walk out. Well, time and consistancy has made her a believer. I am so sorry for the junk you are going through. I reead your profile and I see that you have been married almost as long as I have. It's tough, but I would like to encourage you to holod on. I hope your wife snaps out of it soon and gives your marriage a chance.<P>SHA<BR>

Awoken,<BR>I have to agree with SHA, as it seems nothing I tried to do worked and only served to make things worse. Reality set in for om as his w threatened to keep him from seeing her or their kids if he took my w on the cruise. Apparently he was still seeing his w while living with my w.<BR>So he dumped my w when his w made the ultimatium.<BR>I don't know if you couldn't guilt trip her into staying with her sick kid if anything would work. As painful as it might sound how about having her take kids and you go out for evening. If she takes them to see om he may grow to resent that thinking he will have 3 kids to deal with. That may be more than he can bargain for.