I found this site not too long ago. Wish I had several years ago when I needed it the most but what I read really touches me and many posts have helped me today with my & H's recovery.

I don't post often. I guess I'm a little nervous to say too much. I do, however, am always eager to read what other posters have to say.

I must, though, bring up a subject that I am very familiar with and is not brought up too often. I believe that drug addiction (mainly methamphetamine) plays a role in many instances. Meth is a highly addictive, easily attainable, inexpensive drug used by all walks of life. Professionals (like my H) take it to enhance their physical and mental performance. Many take it to decrease their appetite. All of these "highs" are short-lived, though.

Some signs that a person taking the drug may exhibit are anxiousness; nervousness; incessant talking; extreme moodiness and irritability; purposeless, repetitious behavior, sleep disturbances; false sense of confidence and power; aggressive or violent behavior; disinterest in previously enjoyed activities; and severe depression. Other signs that my husband displayed were missing money, change in friends, no longer interested in hobbies, slept throughout weekend, called in sick to work often, could not perform sexually, disappeared for hours, and (GO FIGURE!!) affairs.

It took me several years of enabling him before I finally stopped making excuses and stopped accepting his lies. By then we were financially ruined, he no longer had interest in me and the children, and only cared about how he was going to pay for his next "fix".

When my H was in a 28-day treatment center, I met many wives like myself. Every married man who had a drug addiction also had at least one PA. (There were 12 in my spouse's group). There also was one man in my group who's wife was an addict who had not admitted to any affairs and he had no proof. I'm not picking on the men, just have more data concerning them!

There are sh**loads of information on the web and in book stores concerning this debilitating and sometimes fatal drug. It tears up families and ruins people's lives including the addicts and everyone who has contact with them. I live in a little-less-than-medium-sized community (about 90,000) where this drug is rampant.

I read about spouse's moodiness, change in attituds, disappearances, money problems, disinterest in children and hobbies, lying about where they were and who they were with, EAs and PAs...and can't help guessing that in some of these situations, drugs are involved.

Hmmmmm...just a thought!

OH!! If anyone had any questions about my experience with a meth addict, I will certainly share them!

Wow. My H is a SA, but the symptons and impact all sound pretty similar. So how did the recovery happen? Is your FWH sober now?

I can also share my experiences with a crack addict.

My WH is not the crack addict, but I had a long term relationship with one and I learned the hard way that I was his number 1 enabler.

I learned more about addiction than I ever cared to know. I went to counciling while he was in treatment. I found out I was co-dependant.

At some point, when I was in the middle of crack house trying to find the crack addict and drag him out of there a thought occured to me that someone said, "One day, you'll get shot and killed, and he'll still be an addict. You'll have solved nothing." I left immediately and never looked back.

For me there was no reconciling with that man. Ultimately he ended up in prison for a felony. I have lost track of him, thankfully, and he no longer bothers me anymore. It took nearly 2 years to get just to that point after that fateful day, but I'm glad for it.

But, when it comes to crack and cocaine, I can spot it a mile away. I suppose that's a good thing because when I do, I don't walk, I RUN!

I've seen the devistation of meth and other narcotics. I've spoken with numerous addicts and from that experience can tell you that affairs and addiction seem to run hand in hand. I, personally, don't know of too many men or women who didn't cheat if they were married while addicts. And my knowledge and experience is a little different in that I've talked to several married women who cheated in order to get their drugs. Now I obviously don't know all the addicts in the world but can also say that I've rarely visited with a female addict who at some point didn't use sex to get drugs.

There's a cool saying that I heard one time, it goes like this:

Let me tell you what Alcohol and Drugs did for me in my life.

They took me farther than I wanted to go.

Made me stay longer than I wanted to stay.

Had me do things that I didn’t want to do.

And let me spend more money than I wanted to spend.

It took me a long time to realize that Drugs and Alcohol are not my friends.

Just remember, if you always do what you’ve always done, you’ll always get what you’ve always got. Because nothing ever changes if nothing ever changes.

STWP-

how do you know you are the co-dependent? as long as you try not to help them or try to help them?

My WH has always been a cocaine user even before I met him 8 yrs ago going on 9. His family is known to be the suppliers ( all are in jail or have fled to MX) and soon he became a user, it wasnt like an everyday thing, I guess you can say just like a social drinker he is a social user. Ive never seen it progress any further than that. I dont want to see it get worse either

I had always suspected something for a few years. Whenever I asked about a drug problem I always got lies. Finally, in Feb/02, I found a prescription bottle with a tiny plastic baggy with a white residue. After arguing for a week, he finally admitted it was his and that he had a problem and couldn't stop. Luckily, we have an addiction treatment center here in town and he was accepted on an emergency basis. After a 28-day stay, he has been clean and sober since. It is so easy to relapse with meth. However, I always keep a drug test handy and his place of employment now do random drug testing. His name has been picked 2 times in the past year and he's clear! He used to go to NA meetings but he doesn't anymore. That part worries me. I think the biggest help I have is the drug testing at his work. The embarrasement at his job would be the ultimate for him.

It was a nightmare for many years. I could just kick myself for ignoring the warning signs and enabling him for so long. My eyes are WIDE OPEN now! That's why I think I may be of some help with others. I don't want to see other spouses go through the lies and denials until their relationship is devestated beyond repair and their credit is in shambles. It will take years to clean up the mess.

Milkshake, I have read some of your story. I also met a man who was a SA at the treatment center. I learned that(sometimes, not always) an SA goes hand in hand with drug addiction. With your H's recent behavior, do you think that is an option?

BTW, I also heard the lines "I don't love you anymore." "I don't think I ever loved you." "I can't stand being around you." "BLAH! BLAH! BLAH!" We are now in recovery and I hear "I love you." several times a day. There is hope.

ShouldI,
I was a co-dependant because I:

1. Made excuses for my H to my family, friends, and his co-workers-including calling him in sick-so he wouldn't "look bad".

2. I constantly changed my schedule and lived my life according to his.

3. I was always suspicious and anxious when he wasn't home.

4. I blamed myself for his actions, disappearances, etc and coddled him at times.

5. I nagged. I nagged. I nagged. But never set any boundaries. The next day I would act like nothing happened.

6. I was constantly trying to make things better. Acted happy when dying inside.

7. I was consistently being lied to and wanted desperately to believe him.

8. My whole focus was on him and his addiction.

9. I knew deep down inside that he was a drug addict but I refused to admit it.

Gosh! I could probably go on! I was also an enabler. Letting him continue his addiction while I denied, denied, denied!!!

Well, are you with someone who is emotionally unavailable, yet you feel that even though they are using it's ok and they'll come back to you? Would you consider yourself to have made bad choices in men because they couldn't commit for some reason (ie. they were married, they were too single, they worked too much, they spent too much time with their pet fish)? You could be co-dependent if the other person means more to you than you mean to yourself.

You could be co-dependent if your life consists of one drama or crisis after another. If a state of calmness does not feel right to you, ask yourself why not.

When I finally got rid of CrackAddict it felt like the silence of my life was deafening. It was a little nerve wracking to not have all that drama and crisis to deal with every day.

Search the web, there are literally TONS of great sites that can point you to some great books on co-dependent behavior and how to break the cycle. I'm a big fan of Amazon because you can read up on what others think of the book who have actually read it.

Using an illegal drug, even socially, is a HUGE risk, especially for someone in your H's situation being in the military. If they are willing to put their lives in that kind of risk, what are they willing to do with yours?

Sorry if that sounds preachy, it's just how I feel.

Tatertot, you are right, I think an SA is often accompanid by drug addiction. My H has always used pot. Apparently, people H met at a group therapy often are married to someone who also has some kind of addiction (AA for example).

I have the same problem Tatertot (= codependency), and looking back, I have enabled H his pot smoking (as I did not know anything about SA until last year. But even for that, I guess I made it easier for him b/c I was naive). I am glad your FWH is now clean. Did you ever go to ALANON type meetings before? What did you do to solve your "codependency" problem? I am reading CODEPENDENCY NO MORE. How did you apply MB's techniquest to someone who is an addict?

STWP- hey I accept constructive critisism!

See thats what weird about WH addiciton. He's always been a hard worker, never missed a day of work , even if there was a late night,etc. He's never tolerated someone who did that kind of thing.He's always provided for the family and then some. he's always has had a anxiety problem not sure if that has to do with the side effects of drug use.

I havent supported the use but Ive never tried stopping it. b/c ive know for it to be in the home and it could sit there for months! It hasnt been a daily thing or weekend use. Honestly when hes had it he'd rather sell it to a cousin or someone who wants it. than him using it.

Thank you, I will look into that Co-dependency

Oh one more thing - is your H ADD/ADHD? I am very sure that my H is. When you have an ADD/ADHD, you are much more prone to get depression and addiction problems.

I did attend a few Al-Anon meetings as well as group and family therapy. I also did IC. I didn't know about MB during the addiction stage but I can't see me applying the Basic Concepts until the addiction was under control.

While I was there for my H as he beat the addiction, my IC had me concentrate on ME. To break the co-dependancy, I needed to take time to "find myself" and become a better person and mother. I no longer lived for him.

I didn't find out about the PA until after treatment. At that time, he had started an EA with another. My IC actually had me do a form of Plan B. It definately worked for us.

HOWEVER, we are in recovery but the scars are painful.

bumping up to

Krusht,
Interesting to see you bumped this post.
Can I ask why? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

I bumped it for MISSGRACIE...I think! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />

Her WF (fiance) acts like he is on meth...I asked her and she didn't know about the signs...so I bumped you wonderful post..Not sure if she saw it though,

k

EDITED TO READ: MISSGEORGIE..but it wasn't her..I can't remember who it was for..senior moment...but she was not married, her fiance took her into his home, bought her a $7K engagement ring, then treats her terrible. I'll go look and let you know.

krusht - do you mean eav1967? I hope not because that poor woman already has so much sh*t on her plate already. Although I can see co-dependancy issues only because I still battle with them myself. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

Actually it was Cerealkiller!!

Her WFiance is very messed up. Thought maybe he was a tweaker.

Again I am not sure she saw it. Maybe it doesn't matter, just saw her new thread about going to see a lawyer.

k

My brother’s wife of 15 years became a meth addict about four years ago.

She bankrupted him, including forging his name on credit card applications, which she received every time. (It’s interesting how easy it is to get credit cards even when you are a known addict.) And he still had to pay all these debits.

She had a series of A’s eventually moving into an abandoned trailer with one of her suppliers.

She contracted aids.

She disappeared a couple of months after they divorced. She was found dead in a downtown alley about a year ago.

My brother still loved her and cried for weeks. He paid for her funeral and keeps her ashes still.

Aphelion,

So sad what this can do to families. My heart breaks for your brother.

People need to understand that...

THIS CAN HAPPEN TO ANYONE!!!!

My H and I live in an upper middle class neighborhood. We have 3 wonderful sons. He has a great job and has many friends. He was still sucked in by this highly addictive, many times fatal, drug.

A SAHM across the street died of a meth overdose a few years ago. After her 13 year old son found her dead on the floor of their living room, we watched as the ambulance took her away. No sirens. She was already dead. Her H had done everything he could for her, including rehab. He and his 2 children are still grieving.

I agree with Krusht that CerealKiller's fiance could be a meth addict. I also believe there are a handful (or more) on this website dealing with an addict but are still in denial. You can't just ask an addict, "Are you on drugs?" They will lie, cheat, steal, and beat you down before they will admit. It's like investigating an affair. You need to snoop. That was the only way I found out.

You can't even begin Plan A with an addict.

Tatertot