Hi, I just got married less than a month ago and I'm recently having a huge problem having sex with my husband without feeling completely destroyed and depressed. He keeps asking me what's wrong and I can't quite figure it out. Here's how it started:

My husband is very attractive and women throw themselves at him all the time. He dated tons of women before me and I'm not sure how many he has slept with. I don't want to know - I'm scared to. He made the mistake of going into details about some encounters while we were dating and I asked him to stop that (he did).

Then I found out that when he was at the gym every morning - there were several women who would fall all over him and flirt with him. I felt hurt.

We were on our honeymoon and all he did was look at other women the entire time. Then he brought these women into our "bed" so to speak. He would talk about bringing such and such girl in to join us. I was floored and devastated because I did not feel comfortable with that type of talk. It was OUR honeymoon for god's sakes!

We have a very active sex life. It is very wild and I'm usually the one to initiate it. I want it all of the time and of course he doesn't have a problem with it. However, now when we have sex or start getting close all I think about is him with other women or cheating on me.

His actions have made me lose my self confidence and when he tells me that he loves me, I'm starting to question it. He is the best person ever - he does wonderful things for me all of the time. He always wants to spend tons of time together and I always know where he is, so I'm not questioning that.

I just have this feeling that he is going to cheat. I can't figure out if it is a gut feeling or if it's because I'm scared. He keeps reassuring me that he has never cheated on any of his girlfriends and would be stupid to cheat on me. I've never felt like this before and I hate it.

Has anyone ever gone through something similar?

You can worry yourself to a frazzle worrying about things that might happen. A piano might fall on your head too. But you don't worry about it during the normal course of your day.

Perhaps he thought the spicy talk would bring some zing in that he thought would be stimulating. Turns out he was wrong. If he's not still singing the tune, then I think you need to let it go.

Certainly there is a miniscule danger in having an attractive spouse, but that doesn't make them somehow categorically more "affair prone". On the other hand, if you continue into a state of withdrawal, you probably run a greater risk of him looking to get needs met outside of the relationship.

It just seems odd that you don't seem to believe him. If he's not giving you any reason to think he's cheating, then give him the benefit of the doubt.

Don't tell me that you're life only feels good if there's some kind of drama in it...

No. I'm not a drama queen. It's because for the first 10 months we were together, other women were still calling him. It would drive me nuts.

I think I just got really hurt on our honeymoon. It felt like our relationship will never be free of "other women".

You're right though I should just believe him and let it go. Other than me feeling weird in bed, it hasn't affected any other aspect of our relationship. We never fight. We're always laughing and joking and we talk all the time.

I'm going to tell him how I feel and hopefully after talking to him, I will feel better.

Making an assesment of what you wrote here it sounds like most of the relationships he has had has been sexual ones. It sounds like that may be the foundation of yours as well. He may say all the right things and do lots of good things with you and for your and even to you but those eyes wondering about and that kind of talk says alot about a sexual foundation in your marriage. A sexual foundation in marriage is the hardest kind to crumble because sexuality is so embeded into us by nature. I would strongly encourage talking to a counselor about this one on one at first to have someone confirm what I am saying to you and if it's so you should approach your husband with your concerns and ask him to go with you for your sake, not so much his. I pray that this will bear witness with you and that the Lord will give you an eye to see deeper into the real matters of marriage and the marriage bed.

The Lord bless you and give you peace and wisdom.

You don't mention your age. I will tell you from experience that with time, passion wears off and the reality of marriage sets in. Beauty fades, children come along, financial stresses and work.

I am hoping your marriage is strong, stable and secure in many other ways. A great marriage will not endure on great sex alone.

I can't say that I blame you for feeling like you do. He hasn't given you a reason to mistrust him other then the things he has said. Tell him you insist that he doesn't talk about other women again to you. You are his wife now, his one and only. But don't let jealousy plant a seed in your head and drive a wedge between the two of you. Jealousy has been known to kill a relationship.

I wish you the best of luck and a long happy, healthy marriage.

You wrote the following:
"We have a very active sex life. It is very wild and I'm usually the one to initiate it. I want it all of the time and of course he doesn't have a problem with it."

I think having these similar appetites is a good sign for your M.


Another good sign:

"He is the best person ever - he does wonderful things for me all of the time. He always wants to spend tons of time together and I always know where he is, so I'm not questioning that."

My husband has entertained that "more than one woman in bed fantasy" (in a verbal context only) off and on over the years. We have been happily married FOREVER. It has never caused any problems. I go along with it because it turns me on to see him get turned on.

Try this: Tell your husband that you want to take alternating turns being each other's "sex slaves." When it is his turn go along with what ever he wants.

When it is your turn have him say and do exactly what turns you on. Give him a script if you have to.

I think this is a good way for a young couple to quickly tap into each other's sexuality and most men love to oblige.

Enjoy the ride!