Well, after several heart to heart talks with OW's STBXH I told my H he would have to leave. I cannot do it anymore. I do not even know him. I look in his eyes and I see no life, nothing. You would not believe the stuff he has done this past year. How do I know? Because OW's STBXH is one our town cops and all the department has been following my H around everywhere he goes pretty much since he started the A with the cops wife. And the picture is not one bit pretty. He is not with her now but now that he is not at home and she moves out of her marital home today who knows what will happen. They are both completley mental. I cannot believe the things she said and did to her H and yet he was willing to try and make it work. He was like me, giving 500%, trusting every word that came out of their lying cheating have no conscience mouths.

He is helping her move out today. Being nice to the very end. I wouldn't help her move but I guess on that level even though he is younger than I am he is showing more maturity than I would right now. But, if nothing else, by her H and I talking we have made new friends in eachother and have promised not to let eachother get into any new stupid relationships right away.

My H has not been staying here for a few days now. I will have him served in the next week or so. He tells me if it weren't for the kids he would have ended his life by now. True? I don't know. My understanding is he is quite good at telling women sob stories so they feel sorry for him. But he did go and buy extra life insurance today should something happen to him while he is in Iraq and I do find that odd. I have called his family and they are coming in August to try and see what is wrong with him. The woman he was/is with is apparently on the same self destructive path as he is.

I appreciate everyone's input here. I will still lurk and post and am still making all the positive changes for me. H said he did notice the changes he just wants nothing to do with me physically, emotionally, etc. and cannot see that changing. So it is time to move on.

mlhb

I'm sorry for your pain. Be strong. You'll get through this.

Thank you, yes I will. It is hard to watch someone you love destroy their lives but I have to move on. I know one dsy the images will leave my head and the daily nervous butterflies will eventually go away. I am sleeping better at night now that he is not here. We all wanted it to be forever when we got married. I have 10 years and two children invested here. It try not to get into the "why me" state of mind. I see other couples who are happily married and that kills me. I guess it could be worse, OW's stbxh, they were only married not even 6 months and she started cheating. That's gotta be a blow. I do not know what happened to my H. Somewhere along the line he lost all of himself until now he is an empty shell. Don't know and probably never will know. All I can do is the best person I can be and take care of and love my children. The worst part is we live in such a small town. The whole town knew of this way before I did. People look at you with pity. But I hold my head high. People know I am not trash like the way my H is acting. No one in town has any respect for him at all anymore. He wronged a nice person like me and he wronged one of the best cops we have who is highly respected here. So my H sure made a nice bed to have to lie in. Oh well, life goes on because it must. I will find someone when the time is right who will treat me as well as I treat them. I know he's out there somewhere. mlhb

I am sorry to hear what you are going through, but you sound like a strong person and are doing what is right for you and your children.

I just wanted to say that it is not uncommon at all for people going to war(is you WH in the military or civilian contractor?) to purchase additional life insurance. My husband has been to Iraq and we do have additional life insurance other than what the government would give us.

Best of luck to you!

My H is in the Air National Guard, one weekend a month thing. I would not find it so uncommon if he wasn't in the state of mind he is in. But, for my H, he feels the best way he is a good father is to provide for his children financially. That is what is bothering me, like he is making preparations to not come back. He knows in his heart he does not want his children to have the kind of man for a father that he has been for the past few years and it doesn't look like he is changing any time soon. I start working again in a few weeks and I have really been working on myself. Almost 40 pounds gone of what I had gained over the past 2 years. It is just dropping off now but I am working hard and excercising too. I was quite a looker a few years ago before my H brought me down so low. I am headed back to my old me as fast as possible. Being able to look in the mirror again and be proud is going to be wonderful. Got my hair done, go tanning, workout at least an hour everyday.... I am finally coming back to life! :-) Let my H see what he has lost... mlhb

Here are a couple of articles that have helped me through some rough waters (stay strong and keep holding your head up high - you've got nothing to be ashamed of!!) ...

Coping with Death, Grief, and Loss

What is Grief? Grief occurs in response to the loss of someone or something. The loss may involve a loved one, a job, or possibly a role (student entering the workplace or employee entering retirement). Anyone can experience grief and loss. It can be sudden or expected; however, individuals are unique in how they experience this event. Grief, itself, is a normal and natural response to loss. There are a variety of ways that individuals respond to loss. Some are healthy coping mechanisms and some may hinder the grieving process. It is important to realize that acknowledging the grief promotes the healing process. Time and support facilitate the grieving process, allowing an opportunity to appropriately mourn this loss.

Common Reactions to Loss:

Individuals experiencing grief from a loss may choose a variety of ways of expressing it. No two people will respond to the same loss in the same way. It is important to note that phases of grief exist; however, they do not depict a specific way to respond to loss. Rather, stages of grief reflect a variety of reactions that may surface as an individual makes sense of how this loss affects them. Experiencing and accepting all feelings remains an important part of the healing process.
• Denial, numbness, and shock
o This serves to protect the individual from experiencing the intensity of the loss.
o Numbness is a normal reaction to an immediate loss and should not be confused with "lack of caring".
o Denial and disbelief will diminish as the individual slowly acknowledges the impact of this loss and accompanying feelings.
• Bargaining
o At times, individuals may ruminate about what could have been done to prevent the loss.
o Individuals can become preoccupied about ways that things could have been better, imagining all the things that will never be.
o This reaction can provide insight into the impact of the loss; however, if not properly resolved, intense feelings of remorse or guilt may hinder the healing process.
• Depression
o After recognizing the true extent of the loss, some individuals may experience depressive symptoms.
o Sleep and appetite disturbance, lack of energy and concentration, and crying spells are some typical symptoms.
o Feelings of loneliness, emptiness, isolation, and self-pity can also surface during this phase, contributing to this reactive depression.
o For many, this phase must be experienced in order to begin reorganizing one’s life.
• Anger
o This reaction usually occurs when an individual feels helpless and powerless.
o Anger may result from feeling abandoned, occurring in cases of loss through death.
o Feelings of resentment may occur toward one’s higher power or toward life in general for the injustice of this loss.
o After an individual acknowledges anger, guilt may surface due to expressing these negative feelings.
o Again, these feelings are natural and should be honored to resolve the grief.
• Acceptance
o Time allows the individual an opportunity to resolve the range of feelings that surface.
o The grieving process supports the individual. That is, healing occurs when the loss becomes integrated into the individual’s set of life experiences.
o Individuals may return to some of the earlier feelings throughout one’s lifetime.
o There is no time limit to the grieving process. Each individual should define one’s own healing process.
• Factors that may hinder the healing process:
o Avoidance or minimization of one’s emotions.
o Use of alcohol or drugs to self-medicate.
o Use of work (overfunction at workplace) to avoid feelings.
• Guidelines that may help resolve grief
o Allow time to experience thoughts and feelings openly to self.
o Acknowledge and accept all feelings, both positive and negative.
o Use a journal to document the healing process.
o Confide in a trusted individual; tell the story of the loss.
o Express feelings openly. Crying offers a release.
o Identify any unfinished business and try to come to a resolution.
o Bereavement groups provide an opportunity to share grief with others who have experienced similar loss.
o If the healing process becomes too overwhelming, seek professional help.


Healthy Grieving*

What is grief?

Grief is a normal and natural response to loss. Though we often expect to grieve the death of a family member or friend, many other significant losses can also trigger grief. Examples include:

The end of a relationship

A move to a new community

A much-anticipated opportunity or life goal is suddenly closed to us

The death of a pet

Someone we love contracts a potentially life-threatening illness

Grieving such losses is important because it allows us to 'free-up' energy that is bound to the lost person, object, or experience --so that we might re-invest that energy elsewhere. Until we grieve effectively we are likely to find reinvesting difficult; a part of us remains tied to the past.

Grieving is not forgetting. Nor is it drowning in tears. Healthy grieving results in an ability to remember the importance of our loss -- but with a new-found sense of peace, rather than searing pain.

Experiencing Grief

No two people are likely to experience grief in the same way. The way we think and feel, the way our body functions, and the way we interact with others may all be affected. Some of the more common experiences include:

Difficulty concentrating

Apathy

Anger -- at those responsible, at the deceased, at ourselves, at God, at any handy target

Guilt -- "If only I had done . . ."

Sleep disturbances

Loss of appetite

Withdrawal from others

Irritability

Intense sadness or tears when a memory is triggered

Numbness

Loneliness, or a sense of separateness from others

Loss of life's meaning

Sometimes our reactions are so changeable, intense, or irrational that we fear we may be going crazy. Often grieving people are afraid to confront their grief for fear that if they open the door they will be drowned in a flood of tears or rage. Though this is very unlikely, allowing others to help us in our grieving is good 'insurance' that we will keep our balance.

No matter what our intense experiences of grief may be they are temporary. There IS life after grief -- if we acknowledge and work through our reactions, rather than trying to stop them.

How Do You Do Grief Work?

Fortunately, much of the process of healthy grieving seems to be 'built into' our genes. Acknowledging and growing from losses is such a natural process that much of it will happen without our direction -- if we relax our expectations of how we "should" grieve and give up some of our need to be in control.

Healthy grieving is an active process. It is NOT true that, "You just need to give it time." One way of understanding the work to be done is to think of grieving as a series of tasks we need to complete (not necessarily in sequence):

To accept the finality of the loss;

To acknowledge and express the full range of feelings we experience as a result of the loss;

To adjust to a life in which the lost person, object, or experience is absent;

To 'say good-bye,' to ritualize our movement to a new peace with the loss.

Good friends, family members, or a personal counselor can all be helpful in doing this vital work. You can also do a good deal to help yourself.

Helping Yourself Through Grief

Active, healthy grieving requires balance -- balancing the time you spend directly working on your grief with the time you spend coping with your day-to-day life; balancing the amount of time you spend with others with the time you spend alone; balancing your need for help from others with caring for yourself. Focusing too strongly on any single side of these pairings is getting off-track.

Here are some things others have found useful in their healthy grieving. Choose the ones that fit for you, or make up your own methods of self-care. Remember that grieving is an active process, it takes energy that will likely have to be temporarily withdrawn from the usual pursuits of your life. Treat yourself with the same care, tolerance, and affection you would extend to a valued friend in a similar situation.

Go gently -- take whatever time it needs, rather than giving yourself a deadline for when you should be "over it"

Expect and accept some reduction in your usual efficiency and consistency

Try to avoid taking on new responsibilities or making major life decisions for a time

Talk regularly about your grief and your memories with someone you trust

Accept help and support when offered

Be particularly attentive to maintaining healthy eating and sleeping patterns

Exercise moderately and regularly

Keep a journal

Read -- there are many helpful books on grief; some are listed below. If grief is understood it is easier to handle

Plan, and allow yourself to enjoy without guilt, some GOOD TIMES. The goal is balance, not martyrdom

Carry or wear a linking object -- a keepsake that symbolically reminds you of your loss. Anticipate the time in the future when you no longer need to carry this reminder and gently let it go

Tell those around you what helps you and what doesn't. Most people would like to help if they knew how

Take warm, leisurely baths

See a grief counselor

Get a massage regularly

Set aside a specific private time daily to remember and experience whatever feelings arise with the memories

Choose your entertainment carefully -- some movies, TV shows, or books can only over-intensify already strong feelings

Join a support group -- there are hundreds of such groups and people have a wonderful capacity to help each other

Plan for 'special days' such as holidays or anniversaries. Feelings can be particularly intense at these times

Pray

Take a yoga class

Connect on the Internet. There are many resources for people in grief, as well as opportunities to chat with fellow grievers

Vent your anger in healthy ways, rather than holding it in. A brisk walk or a game of tennis can help

Speak to a member of the clergy

Plant yourself in nature

Do something to help someone else

Write down your lessons. Healthy grieving will have much to teach you.