Hi all!

Hoping to get some advice. Not sure what forum to post to. Here's my sitch. H left 1st time dec 26/04. Moved in with OW shortly there after. Told everybody that he was not going to hide her, etc. I was blind sided. never seen it coming. H came back beginning of May/05 decided to move where his job was. bought a house down there. H promised me and the kids a better life, he won't be working as much as he used to, more time to spend and bring the family back together. I was living else where and decided that we would move after the girls finished school this summer. We took turns communting every second weekend. The first few weeks were great. Then i started seeing the distance in him. He kept telling me that this is going to work, baby steps one day at a time. Started questioning is this was going to work, didn't know if he could feel for me like i wanted, etc, etc. Told him that he has to decide, should have said something before house was even bought. Told me that i should have seen it, etc, etc. i'm a mind reader i guess. Told him that he should go talk with some one and he said that he was it was with the OW. Anyways d's heard some of the conversation and oldest daughter asked h if he was leaving again. He promised no.
The next weekend we saw each other went good. The last weekend in May he came down to where we were living. Saturday we went looking for furniture for the new house never bought anything just looked. Sunday morning we woke up and he turned to me and said you know u are a beautiful woman and when he said that i knew what he was saying. He left that day. Kissed and hugged me and the girls and left like it was nothing. No looking back. The next day he withdrew over 70K out of the bank without my knowledge. When I found out i called him and asked what he did with the money. He told me that he took it and put it away. I asked for my half back and he said not until all papers have been signed. Said to him that he was holding it hostage for me to do what he wanted, he says no, I told him that he stole half of my money he says no he didn't.

Anyways there's more to this. but I'll get to my ?. I didn't know about this site until just recently and have been reading thru on posting. I have not implemented Plan A because there was no time He ended the relationship with his family before we even had a chance to live together. I have been in NC mode for almost three weeks. It is very hard not to talk to him. When he left the second time he was telling everyone that all he wanted was a D but he as far as i know has done nothing and keeps telling people why I can't understand that he doesn't love me anymore, I have filed due to the money he took and the house sitch. Is there any hope to reconcile. He is very adamant on how he feels. I wish I only knew this before.

Need some input. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

D

There's always hope for reconciliation, as long as you're both alive. It sounds like he's being dishonest with everyone, including himself. He's probably wrapped up in an affair, or at least emotionally entangled with a OW. No doubt, that will fall apart sooner or later, and he might come back. It doesn't sound like it'll happen soon, considering the money he took and since he's pretty much forcing your hand.

I'm really needing some advice please.

H is with OW has been since he left 1st and 2nd time. Noticed that H has new Phone # (registered under both their first initials and H last name)He called this evening and didn't answer the phone. When I seen the caller ID I became emotional. Were not even Divorced and she already is using h last name. This really is upsetting.

H also called D and asked if she was going to concert that he had purchased tickets for. D replied not sure if she could get time off work. H said she was acting like here mother, told D that he would show up with cops and get here to go, H said that he never gave here permission to be where we had moved from for the summer.

Why is he being so cold, contolling, insensitive. He knows how I feel for him and yet it's like he doesn't care, no I know by his actions he doesn't care.

I have been doing the NC going on 3 weeks now and I don't see him showing any concern. it's like i never even existed to him.

PLEASE ADVISE NEEDED. NOT SURE WHAT TO DO WITH THE THREATS TO DAUGHTER NOW.

Broken,

Glad you found MB, sorry you didn't get here earlier.

First off..you are practicing NC?? Please explain..to us NC means No Contact..between your slimy H (IMHO-in my humble opinion) and the OW.

Second, he took the 70K!?!?! It is attorney time, my dear. Leaving you high and very dry when you are still married is wrong. Get some spine and let him know things are changing.

Get pro-active and, again, IMHO, go dark with plan B..if possible.

The guy feels he is in the cat-bird seat. He's got his hotty on the side and you and family over here to which he can lord over and come and go and threaten you daughter...AND $70,000 SMALLOIANS that he proudly can show to the OW!

Just went back and re-read. You did file, because of the money and the house..YOU HAVE A SPINE, which is a good thing. You say NC but I think you mean Plan B..no contact between you and H..correct?

Reconcile?? Doesn't sound good. He is living with her, so exposing won't do it. Again, IMHO you may be better off without him...but hey, prove me wrong.

""Sunday morning we woke up and he turned to me and said you know u are a beautiful woman and when he said that i knew what he was saying. He left that day. Kissed and hugged me and the girls and left like it was nothing. No looking back. The next day he withdrew over 70K out of the bank without my knowledge.""

HOW RUDE IS THAT?? ARE YOU SO MAD YOU COULD SPIT?? (I sure am) Reading your post almost sounds like you are willing to crawl back to him on your belly. Hope not.

Be very strong, and God bless you.

k

I'm really trying to be strong, but something always comesw up like tis evening to put me back to square one. I'm finding it very difficult that he can do this and be this way after 20 years together. Where does the meanness, selfishness, etc come from. I can't even think about doing this to him if i would have walked out.

The gull to have her use his last name while he's still married is beyond comprehension.

Can he force my d's(14&16) to go with them. He is losing their respect for him and i've not bad mouth him since the beginning he's doing it to himself.

I have lots of support from family and friends, his parents seem to of wiped me out haven't heard from them for 2 wks now, but i need the support also from people that have or is goingthru something similar to mine.
Thanks K for replying.

Broken,

""Can he force my d's(14&16) to go with them.""

I don't think so. After the age of 11, I think the kids can decide themselves..like who to live with after a divorce. Hopefully someone who knows for sure will answer. In what state do you live?

""I'm finding it very difficult that he can do this and be this way after 20 years together. Where does the meanness, selfishness, etc come from.""

At present he is an alien being with his brain saturated with pheromes and endorphins that create euphoria and bliss. She, and their togetherness, causes the chemicals to be secreated into the brain. HONEST!! This is TRUE!

The same euphoria and bliss that a crack addict feels when he sucks on that pipe. Same as the gambler felt before he lost his house payment betting on blackjack.

So she is his crack pipe. He will treat you like sh*! or worse, to go back and suck on that pipe. YOU REALLY HAVE TO THINK OF IT THIS WAY!

How long has the A been going on? Sometimes these A's run their course. But you don't want to sit around and wait..do you? HELL NO!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

Have you thought about anti deprssnts? They will ease the emotions and let you think more clearly.

Stay very strong, you are defending your daughters and their way of life.

k

1st time from as far as i know from jan-apr came back in may left again end of may back to her.

I live in alberta canada.

yes i am taking 225mg of effexor.

Will call the L tomorrow to see if he's been served yeti believe it's been 2 wks now and i haven't heard anything. I did have to go and take pics of him to l to give to process server lawst thurs and still haven't heard anything. Also maybe to see if i can do anything regarding threats to children maybe restraininn order. not sure what this will do to visitation when divorce goes thru. Also asked d to write down everything he said

Broken,

""from jan-apr came back in may left again end of may back to her.""

So it is brand new and delicious to him. He is really going head over heals, full bore, at this. Is he like this at other things he picks up..like golf..or waterskiing?

What do you know about the OW?

""I live in alberta canada."" Hey, that's OK, we won't hold that against ya..EH? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

k

Don't move just because WS said to. Stay where you are safe and emotionally supported.

Have a frank talk with your children and learn t/b each others support group. Assure them of your love and that you will not abandon them. Keep an open door police so they will feel free to speak their mind to you, even if it is to tell you they think you are being too nice to the WS.

Secure your finances. Create your support group. Know the WS will balk at every step you make so make them wisely. Don't give into the WS demands.

Read Surviving an Affair by Dr. W. Harley and Love must be Tough by Dr. Jemes Dobson. Take the emotional needs questionnare located in the concepts section above and call Steve H for some suuggestions on how to come up with a good plan.

Then back off from the WS. Expect the WS to babble most of the time and him not recall any of his stupid acts.

Post here as needed. Get with a good IC in addition to Steve's help.

take care,
L.

Broken,

I'm not one of the pros here, but I am going through a lot of hurt and pain. After 23 years of a wonderful (IMHO) marriage, my W is having an A with the OM that we both work with. This is the most hurtful thing I have ever encountered.

My wife is gone and I am left with this alien to try and communicate with. She says things that are so terrible and disgusting that no human could have uttered them. All she wants to talk to me about is a divorce and all I am trying to do is salvage a marriage. Why?? Because somewhere inside that miserable being is my wife. I still love my wife, yet I despise this alien. I hope the woman I married can wake up and see what she is doing before it is too late.

I'm not very religious, but I have certainly started doing a lot of praying. I'd be afraid not to.

I am sorry that you are going through what you are having to deal with. You are in the company here of others who do care about you. We will all listen and the wise ones will offer excellent advice. They have helped me keep my sanity through all this.

As Krusht told you, you must stay strong. Do things for yourself, you are the most important one in this equation. Eat right, get some excercise and keep busy. That helps keep your head clear to fight the battle. Keep posting here, it will help you vent. GOOD LUCK

Wow, brokenfamily... $70K <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> This is like my WH.. he drew out $20K of our local money from our jt a/c without telling me. In my sep deed, he has to repay this loan thru instalments every month.

Stay strong.. do make sure you and yr kids are safe.. financially and emotionally.

~A

I'm finding it very difficult that he can do this and be this way after 20 years together. Where does the meanness, selfishness, etc come from. I can't even think about doing this to him if i would have walked out.

He does this because this is how he justifies and rationalizes his own behavior which lack honor and dignity...

as long as he can continue to villify you in his head...the easier it makes his own monstrous self tolerable to himself....

as long as he can turn all the inner conflict and inner self disgust towards you...the longer the focus remains off of his true self.....

he does this because to really face himself...would cause a huge self destruction and the the lies and house of cards that he has built would come tumbling down and destroy him...

so welcome to the worst wives ever club... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
where membership is thrust upon you
and your crown is placed on you without consent...

and your first job...
is to wear it well..

meaning you don't give the rantings and ramblings much thought, weight, or energy....

normal in control dads do not threaten to call the royal mounted police to make their children attend a concert with them...when you step back it is both laughable and pitiful...
and you need to be in a place where you can feel compassion for someone so desperate to make their wrongs right...they feel they might need the law to assist them....

people who fall really work through the issues of ending a marriage...and attempt to start a new life with someone else..do not do it the cowardly way your husband has chosen...on many level he himself has set many aspects of this for doom and failure...and the good news is that is none of your doing....

you need to read this site..

one of my geeky mantras round here...
is that
IF YOU WANT TO GET SOMEONES ATTENTION WHISPER...

your job is to start whispering in your husbands ear..and to appear on his peripheral radar screen.....

to plant seeds so that later you will reep....

you do this by doing exactly the opposite of what he believes your reaction will be....

you need to become the most in control BS wife there every time you react in a way that gives them fodder to chew on how 'YOU' are...it is a smokescreen for them to avoid the reality of them...

things i believe you must do..and though they may appear counter productive they are part of the bigger picture of moving with logic and grace and let those two self destruct in their chaos..

1. seek legal counsel on what rights you have to diminish your children's exposure to this OW>..some laws have no overnights with OP for a set time etc...very very very important...

2. expose to anyone who is not aware...expose to close friends that may interact with husband....find out what HE tells them...and do not be surprised if he tells them NOTHING>..as in conflict avoiding extroidanairre....

3. be nice to your husband
be up beat...

how much contact
how ofter
what are the conversations about
how often does he see the children
how often do you see him..

lots of room to play with mixing things up...especially if he believes you are sitting at home pineing away for him..

time for a new you
some new clothes he sees
some new hair-do..
silly little things ofcourse...yet they are noticed....

time to make the OW take the main stage as the crazy one..

time to plan some FAMILY events in which dear hubby is invited..expect him to say no..do it anyway...and when and if he does show.....right when things are pretty much at their best...shooo him on his way...back to OW and their empty little nest of cards....

time to grow and independant backbone..and plant the seeds that you are going to not just be OK...but GREAT!!!!!!!!!!
cause one way or the other you are going to be great..
for you are never going to be the one that abandons children
you are never going to be the one that pretends it is OK to abandon children.
you are never going to be the one that loses the value of honesty
commitment
cherishing...

you are much to be admired...
and you are the one that can show your husband the way home...and back to being someone who he can face in the mirror...
the OP can never ever do that...for she is only a reflection of all that is wrong with him to begin with...

ARK

Great and meaningful advise from all. I just have to work more at getting stronger and not take everything he says or does to heart but that is what i'm finding very hard to do probably because how i feel towards him. I feel so weak and my sanity feels like it's caving in.

OW has been married 3x, each lasting 7yrs, in between each marriage from what i've heard has had her claws in to someone else 2-3 months in between. In May she was charged with felony for stealing money from a local charity where she lives while married to her 3rd H. My H justified this to our D's that she needed the money to pay for things because her H had taken all thier money. H told d's that everybody makes mistakes give them a chance-big mistake if u ask me. I guess she taught my H well when it comes to stealing. My L told me it was illegal for him to take all that money from our joint acct. Wonder if I can have him charged. H gave me 20K back the beginning of June.

Aso with the house that we had bought in May, he was able to mortgage it under his own name somehow, my name still remains on the offer to purchase contract.

I've already given in to selling our first home when all tis first happened along with many other things because of my emotional state, thought that if i did what he asked that it would save my marriage and family. Boy was I wrong. When he came back the 2nd time he promised us a new life, better because of his new job, wasn't going to be working all the time, be able to do more things, etc. Wrong again. Also told D that he wasn't going to leave again. When D asked why he lied, H said he lied because he didn't want to hurt her. Right noe the only thing that H hasn't taken is our D's, everything else he's got.

This is a real mess.

Every one knows of the OW. Said he wasn't going to hide her. When he left on boxing day took her three weeks later to meet his parents. No respect.

I feel the same way HURTSALOT feels, that somwhere deep inside H, there's the man I married. The stuff he's done just doesn't seem like him. I guess right now I'll never know. I just need to get this D over with to get closure. I can't handle the ow thinking that she can have his last name and not even married to him yet (sic). I hope when everything is said and done that H will see the damage he's done and it will probably be to late for us.

Do they ever see what damage they have caused.

D

Gosh, I hope that you are not going to divorce him already. It is much too early for that.

But you need to take legal action to get some of that money back - the OW might "need" that too.

About the money. Tell your attorney he/she has your "go" to do whatever it takes to protect your financial interests ... including filing a police report.

Do NOT enable their robbing you of what is yours. Do whatever it takes to protect yourself ... the full monty. EVEN IF that means your H is charged with a crime.

Helplessness and meekness are not a part of any MB plan.

PS ... do NOT trust that the aliens will do the right thing eventually ... NO ... you flex your wifely muscle on this issue right NOW

talked with L this morning. Advised to change my number. Said that him constantly phoning w/o leaving messages is harrasment But leave cell# as is so that there's still someway to contact d's. Puzzling that he won't leave messages when he calls though just keeps phoning and phoning. One day he phoned 23 times and i refuse to answer.

not sure if charges can be laid, Lawyer says not to worry that I'll get my money back.

Also found out that H has not been served yet. New process server to be hired. L will advice when H served.

I know this meaness is not over yet. When H gets served Sh** is going to hit the fan. This is one way H didn't want to do this was thru lawyer. Probably because he knows that he has no chance in HE** to have everything he wants. L is going after everything (CS, SP, Cost, Adultery (even though H denies this). Told me when I first filed back in april that he will not sign anything that states adultery. He said because he left the marriage that we were no longer married that he wasn't having an affair. That's what he told oldest daughter. Also was told that H went to see a L around the same time but couldn't go thru with it. He says it was a money issue (high cost) says that we could use the money for other things than paying it out to lawyers.

How can u be fair with someone that wants it all. His true colors are really showing (GREED). I believe he is a narssassit (all about him) Doesn't matter who he hurts as long as he's happy. Is this the way most WS act after leaving a unhappy marriage.

Yes, we did have our problems in our marriage but who doesn't. I always gave and would not get anything in return (no help)house, kids, etc. He says I was trying to change him into somebody he wasn't. So why did we get married and have children. He felt that his only responsibilty was to work and get what he wanted. That's the way I am understanding it from him now. If I would've known. But that never changed the way I felt for him. I guess because of my nagging, low self-esteem, living to highly (material wise), being a drama queen, etc gave him justification to leave the marriage. When asked the 1st time to repair marriage H said that he didn't know if he wanted to and that he didn't know if he had to energy to. But he sure had the energy to commit adultery.

Also told me the 2nd time that he's always done what everybody else has wanted him to do but never anything he wanted. He just wants to be happy. Says that i don't care about his feelings. I guess that's why I'm filing for the divorce, to show him that I do care about his feelings and that I do want to see him happy. And if being happy to him is being cruel and cold to his family and taking everything then he's coming up for a reality check realy soon.

Talked more to the D last night about what was said when he told her that she was acting like me. She told me that when he threatened to get the cops involved she laughed at him. Told daughter that all i have is love for him and he just keeps seeing me as the bad person. I know my actions in our marriage were not appropriate and how i took to reacting to our arguments but i was just so frustrated and tired not being able to get him to see that I did need his help I just gave up and turned into somebody that i never knew myself. I used to be this bubbly happy go lucky person didn't let nothing bother me.

I know that i have to protect my assests, but i do know right now that i don't want to be divorced either, and i know that my kids and I don't deserve to be treated this way.

This si draining me because of how i still feel. I have been in plan B as mentioned don't even talk to him about D's when he phones and his # appears I tell D's that it is him but they won't pick up the phone.

Does anybody know if he will see the light of all this eventually or am i only hoping and dreaming. I do have nightly dreams all about him and me. Their dreams of us being together. Is this because that's what I want.

When he finally gets served and say he proceeds with the D. I don't think I'm going to be able to live with myself knowing that I wanted to do everything possible to save this marriage and wasn't given a real chance at it because he didn't want it. I did ask him before how he expected me to sign a death certificate. No response from him.

What could I do to make him see that I mean well regarding this M. Is there a letter that I could send him that might shake his brain into reality a bit. I'm not good at putting things into words. Maybe someone who's good at writing could give me some help and would it be to late to send it to him and when sent to him will i just be laughed at by him and her for doing it.

I'm really not ready to give up.

Help would be appreciated.

D

Well it's been a few days since he hasn't tried calling. i'M having a hard time getting the fact that she's using my H last name. This is really hard to accept for me and I don't know how to stop thinking about it.

A friend of my told me that because my H remortgaged the house under his own name that I'm not legally entitled to it even though my name is on the offer to purchase contract. The more I'm hearing the more I just want to go off myself and be alone till all this is over and done with.

?. If a WS kept telling people that all he wanted was a D. Then why didn't he file. This is also confusing me.

How do you know if this is a FOG they're in or if it is the real thing.

If they're are WS out there that can give me some insight on all this it would greatly be appreciative. I need some help in really understanding all of this.

I know my friends and family mean well and they want to me to go on with my life and forget about him but I'm finding it real hard.

When I talked with one friend about OW using H last name on phone directory, she told me that it's probably the next step for them to get married.

Someone please talk and give me direction. I feel like I'm back sliding here.

D

Wow...sounds like my xh.

What a guy. Real family man. Mine stole even more than that.

Inform your lawyer that WH is shacked up w/a felon.

Your KIDS will not be allowed around a felon. Play that angle. Play hardball.

He's a alien all right. He's flying around on same mothership as my xh. Beam him up darth!

Time for plan B. Let them implode on one another when the poo does hit the fan...and it will. But do not interfere with them. Let them lb with each other ok? Do not be the glue that binds them together.

Yea, he's spouting pure alien narcissistic bs. The "don't you want me to be happy?" schitck. I'd do a reverse babble on that one before going into full blown D and NC.

I'd say...Why yes, Dear H, i do want you to be happy. And if being happy is for you to become a felon like her stealing from your family, then so be it. If being happy is for you to leave home then so be it. If being happy is to have your daughter forcibly taken to you to for a visitation then try it. If being happy is to become a schmuch, then so be it. Be happy. Live long and prosper my alien friend. May you not catch an std from the alien felon. May she not try to steal our $$$ from you like she did from a charity. May your affair-shack last longer than her previous hook-ups, as you are destroying your family for this. May you feel happier every day you wake up beside the catch of the century. May you be part of the less than 1% whose affair shack/hookups make it. May you exclaim with narcissistic glee with all the other affairees, shack ups, and hook ups out there "IT IS ALL ABOUT ME!!!MAKE ME HAPPY!". Incidentally, as part of the division of assets, I am providing you with some clothing...I will provide you with a T shirt with the mantra above on it so you can declare your happiness to the world. See? I am a reasonable woman. I don't want you to have nothing after my lawyer is done with you.

I have been in PLAN B NC for the last 3 weeks, even had my # changed to an unlisted. Talking w a friend today and she says that he said that I'm playing games now but I'm not I just can't handle him constantly phoning and not leaving messages and now seeing that his new phone # includes OW using his last name. That really hurts like someone put a knife thru my heart, Still trying to deal with the fact that he left our family for the OW and now see that he is letting here use his last name and were not even divorced. How can he do this. Is he not even thinking about how I'm feeling or the kids.

He is losing alot of friends over this. I guess also his whole personality is changing as well. Doesn't give a Sh***. Says that the kids are going to have to accept that he is with the OW regardless. Also says that he's going for custody of the kids.

I believe this is going to be a full out war.

What is your opinion.

D