I am relatively new here, just 5 weeks since my wife found out. I have read both Surviving an affair and his needs her needs. My question is this. I want to move back home and repair (if possible) my marriage. My wife and I have been talking but she says that she isnt even considering me moving back in. I dont think that we can rebuild our marriage if we dont. She thinks that I should move into an apartment. Right now, I am with a family member, but cant stay there forever. What is the best way to rebuild? Any thoughts are appreciated. Also, we are both in INDIVIDUAL counseling (me for 5 weeks, she starts today) but we are not in MC together. She isnt ready for that. Thanks for your thoughts.

Plain 'n simple: Give her time, but keep asking. Let her know you really want to work on it, but ultimately it IS her decision at this point. This is a control issue for her, and you should be willing to give her the control. In fact, you might ask her to put together a list of "whatever it takes", and then if you can meet that list, you get to come home.

Above all, PRAY and get in the Word of God. Let Him minister to you during this time, and pray that He will minister to her. Ask your wife to spend some time in prayer WITH you. Pour out your heart to God, with her. Make it a new habit, and when you are reconciled, keep that habit.

DP, what kind of things have you done to repair the damage? Have you ended contact with the OW? Have you sent a letter ending all contact to the OW? Have you answered all of your W's question? How did she find out?

How long was the affair? With whom? How long married? Any kids?

And I would lose the Dr Pepper, I hear that stuff is used for battery acid. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />

Thanks for your reply. We have three children total. One from her first marriage and two of our own. Yes, I have ended all contact with the OW and sent an e-mail to both her and my wife doing that. I have read all of the material that I could and have been in counseling for 5 weeks. I am doing that for me, but also to try and save what is left of our marriage. We were married 8 years and have been together for 17 (with a 6 year breakup in between). I have told her that I am willing to do whatever it takes, but she really doesnt know what it will take. I am not sure she wants to try. I know that is out of my control, but in the meantime, I am trying to be supportive around the house and with money, etc.... We have spent some time together alone and with the kids but she just isnt ready to commit to trying to salvage our marriage. Thanks for your thoughts and prayers.

DP, well, it sounds like you have done everything possible. The only thing you can do is wait at this point. Would she come here and talk to to us?

And I was just kidding with my crack against DP. I work for DP's competitor in Texas. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Again thanks, I think that she is reading the message boards. She printed some off yesterday for me to read so she might. I am just too scared to ask for much right now.

DP-

Your wife has been "burned" before, or in some form her first marriage must've failed her expectations. You've got your "work cut out" for you. I'd again say, PRAY. Above all else, do your part, guard your heart, and pray.

Please ask her to read and post here. We can help her. She is probably completely devastated and has nowhere to turn.