I am in the middle of having a breakdown. I went to court today for temp orders. It was a full blown trial, which I had not expected. I was called to the witness stand as well as Ed. I have been fine all day, kinda going on auto pilot I guess. I saw him. I was fine.

I left the courthouse, went to lunch and went straight to the realtors to sign papers. The house is now up for sale. I was fine. I took oldest son to eye doctor. His RX has doubled in 8 months btw <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

I came home for a bit, looked around, gave the kids two boxes to clean out their rooms with. The small boys put three whole toys in the boxes <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

I went to rent a storage unit to store the "junk" so they can start "showing" the house on Monday. I got some boxes and then came home and started cleaning out my closet. I put some clothes away and got rid of some books. THEN, I came across three pictures. Pictures we took of the boys when DS5 was just born. All three of them toghter.

I lost it. I have never cried this hard. All I want is to call him, hold him. All the memories started coming back of when we first drove up to this house and saw that for sale sign inthe yard. We thought this house was a mansion. WE coulnd't believe it. I now look around and I look at all this stuff that WE did as a family...as a couple! I cant stop crying.

I dialed Peppers number...I dialed Starfishs number....I dialed three more numbers....

Why is this all the sudden hitting me so hard. I think I have been on autopilot for so long. I thougth I was diong so well. Now it is all hitting me...This is it! I dont want to sell this house. I dont want to give up my yard that I built...

I was so excited after leaving the realtors office...but after cleaning things out, now it is just hitting me. I thought it was all uphill from here on out...I knew I was just too happy! Dang! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

{{mom}} so sorry <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Kandi.... you know this is a natural part of the grieving process, don't you?

Kandi,

I feel for you! I know that everything that happened today set this off this storm inside of you. It is the natural course for grieving, I am afraid. You've truly been on autopilot as you say, for so very long. It seemed that even back when your daddy died that you were not able to properly grieve that loss because you were so bound up in all of Ed's assiness.

Take it an hour at a time. Remember to breathe, deeply, to calm yourself. You'll get through this. Promise.

~ Snow

NO, I dont know..I cant get into that link Pep!

tell me though, why have I been so happy lately...almost too happy! now BOOM! Is it because I am cleaning things out, I saw him today, we locked eyes? What? What is triggering my saddness now? I cant STOP thinking of how WE bought this and how WE did this and how WE decided to put that picutre there and I can remember him watering those stupid red tipsin the backyard and nearly having a nersous breakdown cuz the dog was chewing them up...

Was that a run on sentence <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

Just yesterday I sat here thinking to myself how far I have come and how I was only thinking of MYSELF and doing things for ME...whereas before it was all for HIM...I wanted to please him, I was OBSESSED with him...but now, it is all about ME...

but here I am now...having a pity party...My phone rang before I was stupid enough to call HIM..Thank God it rang...cuz who knows what I would have done/said...I swear to you though, I had all these numbers dialed, but never dialed them...for one you wouldn't be able to understand the blubbering idiot on the other end!

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />

(((( Mom )))) You are now on my prayer list.

God Bless you and your boys.

Carnation

I can't mke that link work for some reason ... I am on my kid's computer and there are some screwy things ....

but go to www.divorceinfo.com/grieving.htm

Hey sweetie, was thinking of you all day today.

Allow yourself to just let go for awhile...it's OK. This is the death of your M, of your life as you expected it to be. And I am so sorry.

Do you have to sell the house? Is there anyway to temporarily stay in the house, or ask to stay in it until the boys move out?

I hope things got worked out today...

I'm here Kandi.

I've got my arms around you right now.

Mom -

I think there are 2 kinds of people in the world. There are those who are satisfied with a nice life with their spouse and children. They don't lead exciting lives, but are content.

There are others who are never satisfied. Sadly, they will go through their life that way. Your husband is like that. Come on, he was a respected physician, had a nice home, wonderful wife and kids. Even had all of the extras, like a race car. But it was just not enough. There is a hole in his heart. And he will probably remain that way for the rest of his life.

Go ahead and have your pity party - that is the healthy thing to do. But while you are at it, feel very, very sorry for him. You will recover and move on. I'm afraid he will never be content.

Mom,
Have a really good pity party. Take a day or two to mourn and then move on. Think about what a great house you can buy with your part of the money. The wonderful things you can do to it that are your decision alone. Cabbage rose duvet...sure! Purple bathroom...why not! Think about being a in a place that is smaller, easier to clean and less maintenance. I think about that frequently.

I have a friend who is selling her place now. She's moving for the best of reasons, a post-doctoral position at a university in another state. That doesn't mean she isn't sad about it. Right before she put her place on the market, she felt she needed some closure. She lit a candle and took it to every room in the house. She blessed her house. She thanked it for the shelter it gave, the good times she had in it, the bad times it witnessed. Afterwards, she felt a lot better about the whole thing. Ready to move on.

You too can thank your house for the part it's played in your life. Get a really nice bottle of champagne out of the wine cellar. Toast the good times and the future. Celebrate being a survivor.

We all have our bad days. Thank God, they are less frequent now than they use to be. ((((((Mom)))))))))))

Kandi,

I'm so sorry. I think that your feelings are perfectly normal. It is part of the process of letting go and moving on. Don't fight your tears and feelings. Let them all out because it will help you process what is happening and in the end you will feel so much better.

You are doing good. I've followed your story from the beginning, even though I don't think I've written to you very often, but please know that there are a lot of people here who think great things of you and whom you even inspire.

Take good care of yourself; you deserve it!

You have had to have armor on for so long, and now after the trial you can finally let down your guard some...let yourself relax. You won't always feel this way, it will get better, but don't hold back. The fear of feeling sadness and grief leads us to do unspeakable things to ourselves and the people we love.

I'm so sorry, I wish I could take away this hurt, rejecetion, and betrayal, but it is yours, and is exactly what you need for something in your life later...

Hi, Kandi. Imagine yourself with a great big hug. I also emailed you article you could not seem to access.

This is normal. You are breaking emotional ties to your whole life, not just him. But it will get better.

Please go see a MC or minister. Don't try to get through this pain alone.

Thank you so much for all the support! It means so much! pep, thank you for that link...AWESOME!

I need a little advice on what you guys think here! I have so many scenarios going thru my head and a few options I have to look at!

I can sell this house, which I have over $100,000 in equity...take the equity and put half down on a much cheaper house and bank the rest...this would put us in a smaller house and possible different school area.

I can keep the house, refinance it. Ed recently refinanced it but he financed it at a 15 year loan, and DID NOT include the taxes. the taxes in my area were $6,000 on this house. It is NUTS. I cant afford to do that with one lump sum as he did. the house payment is $1300 right now without paying taxes.

I can refinance it at a 30 year loan and see what that does.

They just put the sign up in the yard. My DS6 is now crying! This is killing me. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Is there ANYWAY to keep the house? Maybe this was the old days, but there were some D cases where the custodial parent was allowed to live in the house until the last child was 18...where the parents split the mortgage. It was part of the child support. Is that possible?

Then there is something to be said for finding a new house without all the memories (and new locks and a SMALLER garage, so if...heaven forbid E. should decide he wants to come back he not only has to give up the OW but his big toys too?) Have you looked around the area in the same school district.

You do NOT want to move the boys out of their school right now...a D is tough enough, a major move will compound that DRASTICALLY...trust me on this. Is there ANYWAY to keep them in the same school?

When you weigh the options, which is more important to you?

Getting away from the house and the memories and getting into something smaller and more affordable

or

Staying in the same house to avoid the hassle of change and moving?

I would like a new different place that I KNEW the OW (and XH.) had never been in.

Susan

I read the same things: for one going through D (you), changing the environment is better b/c you do not have to suffer from your memories. For kid's sake, sometimes it is better to wait so that they can adjust gradually (D, change of house, change of school may be too much to handle at once). Those are two conflicting suggestions, but I guess you would have to weigh what is most important for now for you and your family.

I cried reading your story MF4M. I have been crying everyday remembering us so can very much relate myself to your emotions. I wish I had three boys though! That would have been a lot of fun (tiring I am sure but still) and you must feel very strong and supported by them.

I may be facing a similar situation myself. No D has been filed but our family dynamics are different. Next year, it will only be DD and I at home. We came into this house with 5 people. Now that we're down to 2, it feel like it's too big. When I start working, the maintenance is going to be brutal.

Personally, you should try to do all you can to keep your kids in the same school district. Try to keep that the same. It's hard for kids to met new friends. It's even harder to build a relationship with new parents. I've moved schools before with my kids and it stunk. I'm going to do what I can to keep my daughter with her friends.

As for your house, put together a pros and cons sheet. $100K is a nice chunk of equity. A 15 year loan is nice because it can be paid off faster. By the time your boys are in college, you'll have it nearly paid off. Your payment seems okay. The taxes seem obscene but I don't know how property taxes run in Texas.

Does your STXH want his money out right away?

What would the payment on a smaller place be? Are decent places available in your school district.

What do rents run in your area? Maybe you just want to rent something until a good place comes up. Call it your transitional hideaway hole.

Do you even need to stay where you are? Do you have family someplace else?

Think about all the incidental costs. Homeowner Association fees, yard work, repairs, insurance, painting. It all adds up. Are you a DIY-er or will you have to pay to have it done? Makes a cute little condo or patio home seem very attractive.

Do you have pets? I'd want to make sure my dogs had a decent place whereever we moved.

Do a calculation about down payment vs. monthly payment. Think about how much really need to have in reserve. Maybe it's better to have less in reserve but lower monthly payments. Maybe you want everything like taxes and insurance bundled into an escrow account with your payment.

After reading your posts and seeing bits of your Dr Phil thing, I think I have a little feel for you. You seem like a very nice and very intelligent person. You are very attractive and personable. Unless you choose to be, I don't think you're going to be alone long. Not only that, you probably have a much better idea now of what you want out of a relationship.

I have a horrible habit of looking on the bright side. This could be an excellent thing for you.

In your shoes, I would sell the house.

For me, it would be too many painful memories. Like the ones you experienced with the pictures.

Personally, I am slowly getting rid of anything and everything we had together. And replacing it with something new.

I guess it helps with the triggers and all that.