I just found out about my wife's affair two days ago. We have talked openly about it, and I know she has felt unloved and gets some of her emotional needs met by this other man. She says she still loves me and I believe there is hope for us. She says she is very confused but I know she feels she is in love with this other man --- she has said so. I have gotten her to agree to go to one counseling session with me but she tells me she cannot break it off with him. I told her that I don't feel counseling can work unless she is willing to stop her relationship. She will not right now. My hope is that it will fade, but they work together. We have two kids ages five and three. Her lover is a co-worker that she works with in stressful situations (courtroom). He is also married and his wife knows. He has told my wife that he will leave his wife for her but hasn't yet. Everything is up in the air. My questions are these:

1) Is this marriage save-able and if so, how?
2) How should I behave? Should I kill her with kindness as one friend has suggested?
3) SHould I leave the house for a while to give her space to figure things out? Is my presence a drawback? Should I stay at the house to help with the kids but leave her alone?I guess what I'm saying is, should I try to get close to her or is is too soon? It's so hard because I know she is hurting and I want to help her, but I worry I will only suffocate her.

Help in Louisville

Your best bet would be to go directly to Dr. Harley's articles. Rather than having one of us rehash them for you. You will find many answers there. Coping with Infedlity

I do know that your head has to be spinning faster than the twist-n-puke at the county fair. Take some deep breaths and know that all isn't lost. Its far from easy but recovery can be accomplished.

Best wishes,

HOPE *holding jgoatboys hand*

Purchase and read Surviving an Affair. Find out why your marriage became vulnerable and learn all of the dynamics of an affair. Until then, read as many posts and you can stand on these forums, and read all about adultry starting at the home page of the MB site.

Learn about Plan A, Exposure and the elimination of Love Busters. Do some seriously honest self-evaluation and begin making positive changes that make you a better human being and a better marriage partner.

Collect all the evidence you can get your hands on, evidence that will stand up in a court of law, and prepare to take the steps necessary to save your marriage.

Hunker down, as this is an emotional roller coaster, and a very difficult process to endure. You may even want to see your doctor for some AD's (anti-depressants) to keep you grounded though the process.

Yes, you marriage may be saved. But you will have to do ALL the work for the foreseeable future. Your Wife is what we call in the "fog", and she is not able to think clearly nor act in a rational manner, and won't be able too, until the Affair is over and there has been NC (no contact) between her and the OM (other man). Until then believe none of what she tells you, and only half of what you see. Wayward spouses are masters of lying and deceit. They cannot and should not be trusted. Period.

Stick around, and you'll learn more than you ever wanted to learn about saving marriages from the disaster caused by affairs.

SD

Who says that the OM has told his wife. I would not believe it until you talk the OM's wife.

My wife told me that the OM had told his wife. So I guess there's no way for me to know that's true. Should I tell OM's wife myself or do I have that right?

Also still wondering --- should I give her space? My wife has created two separate lives for herself --- one at home and one at work. I believe they meet different emotional needs for her and that is why she does it. I worry that if I leave the household I risk taking away the few emotional needs I still satisfy for her. We (mainly I) have been talking about the reasons for her affair a great deal and I feel like some progress has even been made. But I can tell she is still in that "limbo" where she can't think clearly. Part of me wants to leave and break off contact with her until she has ended her affair. But I also feel like I need to stay around and "fight for her" --- prove to her that I can satisfy the needs (intimacy, conversation, etc.) that she has been getting elsewhere. What to do?

Hello,

Absolutely tell the OM's wife. This is a key element in marriagebuilders philosophy. By shining the light on an affair the romance and fantsasy is destroyed. My strong guess is that the wife has no idea. Cheaters will lie, lie and lie. By guess is that when the wife really finds out the OM will drop your wife like a hot potato. By not saying anything you will enable and allow the affair to continue without consequences. It is essential you inform the OM's wife as quickly as possible. I wish you luck.

I suggest you do three things. First, as stated earlier, read everything you can on this site, starting with WAT's guidelines for the betrayed spouse on the Just Found Out board, to get an idea of what to do.
Second, post your story on the General Questions II board. You will get more help from there, as there are more people there. Third, after learning enough, make a plan. Do not just wing it, make a plan.

Some more things to keep in mind. You wife is totally, totally unreliable right now, so even though you may feel otherwise, do not trust at this point. She does not have your best interest in mind, nor that of the family, for that matter. Next, get ready for war, for war is exactly what you are in. You will need some backbone to protect yourself, your children, and to possibly save your marriage. What you cannot afford right now is to be a doormat. You will need to be strong and willing to do what it takes to protect your family and possibly your marriage. Further, under no circumtances, do you leave your house. Again, DO NOT LEAVE YOUR HOUSE!!! This can and may be used against you in a court of law, and will further work to stabilize the affair.

Lastly, take the time to read Foundareason and Gramm's stories on the General Question II board. You will learn a lot from there.

Best

Thanks for the advice. I have spent a lot of time on the site in the last few hours and know so much more now --- things I only wish I knew long ago. But I do have a plan. I will not leave my house, even though I know her affair is ongoing. I am almost 100% positive that my wife and OM have told one another that they will leave their marriages so that they can be together. They just haven't been able to take that final step yet. My wife is definitely not able to think clearly. I feel I must let her affair run its course, whatever the result. OM's spouse is aware as well.
The best thing I think I can do now is to try to control what I can. I want to stay here at home and try to show my wife that I can fulfill her emotional needs. This may take a long time but I know I can do it. It is hard because she works with OM and has a close friend there who is also in an affair with a co-worker. They talk and confide in one another. It seems as if the deck is totally stacked against me.
Last night I wrote down about three pages worth of things that I want to tell my wife. This week I plan to sit down with her and tell her that I know she is in love and is also going through tremendous guilt and that I am worried about her. A hasty decision now could be something she regrets forever. I want her to know that I love her and that I am willing to do whatever it takes to save us. I want her to know that I am going to stay at home and "fight" for her. Is this too much to say? Too preachy?
I am also considering going away for a short weekend to visit my brother in Nashville --- just to get away. I told my wife I was considering this and she said (of course) that it was a good idea. I know my presence makes her feel guilty, perhaps even resentful. I don't know what to do about this visit. If I go even for two days I fear that my absence will hinder my chances with the wife.
Is this a decent plan? Or is it too much? I have so many questions...Thanks for the support...

Before you start taking any actions, you need to become intimately familiar with the MB principals. There are a host of things you need to do in specific ways, in order to get maximum results.

Purchase and read Surviving an Affair, and study like you were studying for the Bar Exams, and really learn the material.

You will need to know WHY leaving is not the thing to do. You will learn WHY Plan A is the first stage of your battle to win your wife back. You will learn WHY exposure is necessary, and how difficult it is to do, and what to expect when you do it.

Much of what you NEED to do is counterintuitive; ie, not what your gut reaction will "tell" you to do. If you do NOT use this plan, you may well do several things that will only make the process longer and harder.

It is important, too, to keep active on these forums, seeking advice from people who have been there, done that, as almost every scenario has been played out many times, and there are folks who have been in your shoes who will guide you safely through this process.

Most importantly, introspection, and the correction of those things you were remiss in doing that your WW would have liked for you to do, and/or correction of actions you may have done before (friday night out with the boys, strip clubs, on-line porn, etc) that your WW didn't approve of, must be corrected immediately, and for life. You need to take ownership of, and apologize for, any of the things you have done that have "weakened" your marriage.

All things in time. Study, become educated, and go into this war properly trained and armed. To do otherwise is simply foolish.

Best wishes,
SD

I am glad you learn a lot so far from this board, but there is much more to learn.

Forget the plan to talk with your wife and reason with her. She is not reasonable right now and you'd be wasting your time, causing yourself a lot of unnecessary pain. As long as the A is active, your wife will be in a fog. You are right that she is not thinking clearly, but that big talk you plan will not help at all.

Here are some suggestions instead: Expose the A to the OMW. Don't merely rely on what your wife says about the OMW's knowledge; Expose the A to their work; Plan A; Make an appointment with a Harley; Get a PI so to get concrete proofs of the A, in case you go to court; See a divorce lawyer ASAP; Read FoundaReason and Gramm's sitches; and post on the General Question II board.

Do not try to reason with her right now, she is not yet ready.

How do you know OM's wife knows anything?

Did you confirm it with her yourself?

If so what is she doing ?

Do you think you can refer her to this site as well?


Dont think your trip away right now is a good idea...she could quite likely bring OM over to play house.

You need to understand plan A and expose progressively to family friends & her work bosses.

read read read then read again & ask lots of questions over in General Questions 11.