Last Friday night my WH and I were supposed to meet up and hang out. I called him several times Friday evening and he never returned my calls. I knew that this meant that he did not want to see me but he had agreed to previously. I went by his place and he wasn't there. I knew that he would be at one of his favorite bars so I went there. I went in and walked up beside him at the bar and said hello.

To make a long story short he told me he didn't want me there...needed time alone...asked me to leave. I didn't leave .... I remained calm, he got mad. he told me he was done with us. I asked if it was just for the evening or forever. He said he was done forever. So I told him that I tried...this wasn't what I wanted, etc. Then I said goodbye and left. I have not spoken to him since.

In the middle of the night that night he started sending me text messages saying he was drunk, acting stupid. I ignored him. He has sent me 1-2 text messages a day since Friday night. He keeps asking if he's going to hell when he dies and telling me that when he dies I'll be free. He has also said that it hurts him too much to see me knowing how he has hurt me. He started smoking cigarettes around D-day and I think he has started drinking almost daily.

My question is: do I respond to these messages? He can be very manipulative and I can't help but think he's trying to trick me into responding because he knows I care. If I do respond, what do I say?

The only response I would give him would be a plan B letter, and that is it. He is starting to realize what life is with out you. He is throwing out bait DO NOT BITE!!!! Contact his family if you are really concerned. If you want your marriage back on track (he cheated with in a YEAR of marriage, not good) then I would not respond, make him come to you. Make him wake up. Do not play the game with him.

I concur with KMEJ w/ 1 add: one of the toughest things I encountered during my A was depression ... due to the immense guilt and self-loathing. Having been clinically depressed before, I don't take discussions of death lightly. I strongly urge you to make sure that your H seek professional help, if he truly is depressed and considering possible suicide. Have him meet with a psychotherapist who specializes in depression to determine the level of help ne requires and if AD's are necessary.

Good luck!

Can't offer too much in the way of advice NW, but just wanted to say if you decide to go to Plan B, perhaps we can help each other out (in addition to everyone on this site helping).

Does sound like he's looking for some attention from you though. He got it when you showed up at the bar and now he thinks it can work again?

{{{{{{{{NW}}}}}}}}

I concur on the H needing professional help. If he's severely depressed, and it sounds as though he is, there is NOTHING you can do or say to help him on your own.

Then there's the issue of his passive aggressiveness. Ick! That just makes my blood boil (it's forever a trigger to me).

You likely need to put plan B aside for the time being, and do what you can to help your H get some help. Getting his family involved is a good idea.. they might have more influence than you do at this point (you never know).

Karen

My H, who is in the process of moving out, has told me if it were not for the kids he would have ended his life by now. Now, do I believe him? I do not know. I do believe he is very very low right now, maybe even almost to the bottom. But, he is manipulatvie and tries to get people to feel sorry for him. Thats how he gets all these "women" if that is what you want to call them. Barflys is more like it. He gives em his sob story about how unhappy he is,etc. But, I do know this is not the man I married and I do believe he is in the throws of complete depression and I do believe he doesn't care about anything anymore because the decisions he is making are not the one by man I married would have made. He also goes to Iraq in January and he went out and purchased additional life insurance yesterday "should something happen while he is over there." We would get like 200,000 dollars from government if he gets killed and he went and bought more. That doesn't sound good to me either. SO, I called his family who has been kept abreast of our situation anyway, and his mom is coming in August. I still want to separate because there is nothing more I can do for him. He doesn't want me or my help and he doesn't plan to stop his destructive behaviors so I have to let him go. But his family is going to try and intervene. I do believe my H needs serious help. But I cannot feel sorry for him anymore or hang on anymore. He chooses not to want to change. If you feel your H is suicidal tell his family but do not be conned by him or feel sorry. You cannot save him. mlhb