I have decided that my marriage is over.

I no longer have the desire to fight for it. I can see many advantages now to being single. Once we divorce, which I hope will happen ASAP, I can enter my own version of Plan B, and begin to heal properly. Once visitation is sorted out, I should be able to avoid contact with WH almost completely. Great!

DD12 will be going away for a school trip next week - I will ask WH around one evening and we can talk about the divorce.

I still expect him to divorce me - I'm not going to lift a finger to make this easier for him. But I don't want any acrimony, either.

Tonight I will have to talk to DD12 about what she'd like in terms of staying with her dad. I am going to suggest that, once we are divorced, that her dad and I share custody. Three nights, including one weekend day with him, and four nights with me.

If this is what she wants, we can try it out for a while after the divorce.

I just want to get on with my life now. It's finally worth living again! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Alph.

As long as you're tired of the marriage not the fight, darl'.

Its a rollercoaster y'know.

{{{{Alph}}}}

What marriage? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

There's a limit to the pain and humiliation I can take. It stops now.

WH is so foggy, and there's no communication between us. Plan B would just be a joke - he has no interest.

I am tired of the fight and the marriage. I'm getting off the rollercoaster.

Alph.

Hi Alph

Sorry to hear this, in reading your posts I have seen some positives from your situation. But I recognise it is too one sided from you and I see you loosing interest.

It is your right to walk away.

How did the session go with SH?

FreeAllAngels

You have every right Alph. Nobody can say you didn't plan A either...

I suppose it wouldn;t help for me to tell you that myself and every other BS felt exactly like you from time to time, would it ?

Alph,

After my ADs started to kick in, I slowly started to feel myself again and I realized that I could survive very well on my own. This was very liberating, because before I thought that my life was over without my H.

I feel like you do today. I feel like bagging Plan A and moving straight to divorce.

But then I come here and I look at some of the FBS who are now totally in love and happy with their FWS, living in M that are BETTER than before the A. I find hope here.

Whatever you decide, Alph, it looks like your own personal recovery has begun. I am happy for you for that. Happy for you and your kids. Happy that you see a future better than today. I do too.

(((((Alphin))))),

If he walked in today and said he was so dreadfully sorry and would like to come home what would you say?

Would you definitely without a doubt tell him to bog off?

Or would you give it a shot?

Plan B would protect you and your feelings....and it is a good plan to do before Plan D. No need to rush sweetie.

What did SH say? Did you have your session?

Hi, FAL!

I think it was the session with SH that decided it, ironically.

He really didn't seem very optimistic - not in what he said so much, but it the way he said things. The suggestions he gave me seemed like things I should have done a long time ago.

I don't recognise WH any more. I don't like him. The present situation is so confusing for my girls, and I need to stabilize things for them.

b0b - I know what you say is true. But when I think about the D now, I feel liberated - I want to put this behind me and start again. Thanks so much for all you have done to help me. You've really helped give me some confidence!


This is just it. I feel that the only thing that made me want to keep my marriage was my depression and anxiety! Now these feelings have cleared, and I see a bright future for myself.

I know it will be hard for the girls. I will be there for them. At least I can look at them and not feel guilty. Because I tried for over three months to save my marriage, and the dad did nothing. I'll always know that he was responsible for all this, and not me.

Alph.

I think I would tell him to bog off! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

It'd would be nice to hear, but I was on the way to dying because of what he did (if it hadn't been for his parents, I don't think I would have made it), and he didn't care. It made no difference.

That's kind of hard to forgive.

I would one day like some acknowledgement of the pain he has caused, perhaps even an expression of regret? But I'm not holding my breath. He's very stubborn and defensive even when he isn't foggy - I'll be waiting a long time, I think.

Alph.

Alph

You've come along way, and I can't say you are making this decision while under emotional duress.

I could rambleon about how a good plan B is as effective as a divorce for your peace of mind, but without the finality and the gesture of defiance, and that plan B can be very effective in making WS wake up. I could ramble on about how your WHs relationship with Tortilla will almost certainly end soon, statistics tell us that.

But I won't.

Do what you need, darl'. You have regained your self-respect and self-determination from a terrible insult whatever the outcome now.

And for what it's worth, I am very proud of you, whatever you choose.

That means more than I can say. You've been an inspiration to me, b0b. Squid is so lucky.

Alph.

Alphin,

you have every right to D if you want to. But according to MB plans, plan B should be done before D for several reasons as far as I've been able to understand.

In the first place it is exactly what YOU need which is to protect yourself when you can no longer tolerate the situation. It is for YOU. You are somehow still showing your commitment to your marriage but not alowing WS o hurt you anymore, which allows you to recover personally. It is true that there is no closure but D would not give you closure anytime soon either. After plan B (for at least a year as recommended by both Dr. Harley and Penny) D would be much less traumatic and you would have given your marriage every chance possible to be saved.

I honestly believe that some things take time and quitting the addiction of an affair, if not done cold turkey upon discovery, seems to be one of those things that take some months. For the BS I find that plan B is the best way to reduce hurt, recover your dignity and self esteem, take control again of your life and be in a better place to recover if it is an option or to divorce if it is not.

All the experts I have read speak of at least a year, some 2 years. Seems like a long time, (I'm 6 1/2 months into plan B)but you ARE in a plan and you ARE doing something to save your marriage.

I don't have much hope for my situation but I have read many stories here and elsewhere which do suggest that As do end and that WS do want to come back to their marriages. Knowing the dynamics of As because you have read them here, you now know that it is YOUR CHOICE to see the situation through to the end (2 years) or not to.

It is not easy, but it can be done. Plan B is a brilliant idea, in my opinion. But it must be done correctly which means absolutely no contact.

Think about it. Whatever you decide, you have been very brave.

Hi cc46.

I don't want him back now. The only reason I would take him back would be for the children's sake, and that isn't good enough for me.

One day he may make a gesture towards reconciliation, but I'm sure that won't be for a long time. He has no compassion or concern for his family, his children, or for me. His only concern is for himself and the OW. His only feelings for the children are selfish ones, in that he misses them and wants to see them. He doesn't care about what is best for them.

I can't continue to wait for a person like him. I deserve better. I'm not interested in another relationship, but 'better' means being on my own, loving life, and having respect for myself.

I am happy with my decision.

Alph.

I have read on here many times the term, "Earn your D." I know, seems pretty ludicrous. I apologize, I haven't kept up with your story, but when I read of someone who has been giving and giving, and hoping in Plan A, and then immediately wants to move to Plan D, that is a sign the person has a completely depleted Love Bank and waited too long to move to Plan B.

So it is time for Plan B...but not for him, not for the M, but for YOU. Plan B is for YOU. To remove yourself from the Love Bank withdrawals. It will give you time to get used to the D. It will allow you to heal. It will protect you. Yes, the A will die...it is based on lies, jealousy, mistrust, and more lies. Plan B will protect you from their drama so you can watch from afar, like a spectator, or a movie goer. And it is a natural flow into Plan D. Do a Plan B for YOU, not for the M or for him, but becuase YOU deserve some time to take this slowly, and some firm boundaries and a protection from contact with the alien. Please? Pretty please with sugar and a cherry on top? I'll be your best friend... (I'm sorry, too cute...I get too serious sometimes, I'm working on lightening up...)

Great post SHMIley.

All true alph.

You get all the benefits of a D without the gesture and finality.

Well worth doing a plan B.

It is your right to get a D if you want. I am in my case. I don't see any point in trying when my WH promises to sever contact with OW and then sneaks around to stay in contact. Fighting for a marriage is one thing, but beating your head against a brick wall is another. If he won't leave OW and sever contact, you have nothing to work with anyway. Or as you said, what marriage?

You have the added complication of you WS's alcoholism clouding his actions. Has he increased his use? I thought you said he had. Is it out of guilt? (that would be my suspicion) Or, is it 'fun' to be drunk or nearly so, much of the time? Something he shares with young, single, OW?

Did the drinking come up during your conversation with SH?
They usually say that a drug or alcohol problem has to be tackled before marital recovery can happen.

I really think you've been ready to go to Plan B for the last couple of weeks but were trying to hold out for the end of the summer.

I don't know how likely it is for your H to end his A with OW any time soon. If he can mask the guilt long enough...self medicate, so he can exist in a perpetual fog then maybe he won't come out of it for a long time. Considering what the A has been based on, it is unlikely, as the other's have said, that it will last.

It may have to runs it's course for a while. I really think that it would be worth doing a plan B before D for the sake of the kids and the marriage and all the you have invested there. Let him file for D if that is what he insists on doing but not to force the issue yourself. Really, what is the rush? It may seem a long time...but it hasn't been.

I understand your wanting to be done with it and you may in fact be happier once you are free from this whole mess.

But really, it hasn't been that terribly long since your D-day. Most A's take a couple of years to run their courses. If your H hasn't filed maybe their is a speck of something telling him that he should be damned sure it is the right thing to be doing. Your girls love their Dad. Once they are around OW, they are bound to make her life miserable. That will put a huge strain on their A relationship. That can happen before you D or after, I suppose.

You know what you can and can not tolerate. I know how painful this is. Maybe having OW young and single makes it harder. No doubt, she will want to have kids herself. How do you think your WS would feel about that. Do you really think he'd want to start all over with babies and all? Then the expense of the CS and maintenance...It won't be rosy over there.

Here are my problems with plan B.

1) My WH has already been out of the house for nearly 3 1/2 months. He has no interest whatsoever in talking to me, I DO NOT exist for him. He ONLY cares about the kids. What would be the point of Plan B - it would just mean that he doesn't have to see me any more - no skin off his nose; I'd be doing him a favour.

2) The kids. It would be VERY difficult to do plan B whilst keeping access to them open to WH, and keeping them happy. The kids would think that me refusing to see their dad was very strange indeed; I think it would upset them very much.

3) I can't wait for a year, certainly not two, for this A to end. God knows I valued my marriage; it was very important to me, but it is no longer my responsibility to safeguard it. My WH has relieved me of that duty because he has been unfaithful. And how! He has treated me with utter contempt, and shown no concern for my feelings whatsoever. I have said previously that my health was in serious danger because of him leaving me. It meant nothing to him! I can't forgive that, and I don't think I should.

4) The alcohol thing is a serious issue. It is, as you say, Trix, likely to make the A last even longer. I know the statistics - 97% of As likely to fail. But I can't live by them. What if I'm waiting for ever? I have to get on with my life.


Alph.

"He has no compassion or concern for his family, his children, or for me. His only concern is for himself and the OW. His only feelings for the children are selfish ones, in that he misses them and wants to see them. He doesn't care about what is best for them."

Tell him this when you tell him you want a D. Make no bones about it. Do not cushion the blow at all. It may be his very last chance in this world to wake up. Not to your M, but to his own self.

Until he stops drinking completely things have little chance of changing with him anyway.

One thing to prepare for. He may panic and want to suddenly reconcile. So have your No, or your absolute unmovable conditions, at the ready. Be firm and resolute.

All the best to you and your girls, Alphin. Keep in touch if you can.

With prayers,

Added:

PS: I am not at all sure an active alcoholic should have shared custody or overnights. Especially not if OW also drinks. Is it possible to give him just visitation? Can child protective services, guardian ad litum, or whatever you have there, investigate their living conditions first?

I take that first sentance back. An active alcoholic should not have overnights. I even testified against my own alcoholic brother in this. (He's now sober and does get overnights).

I agree ... if you are going to go in this D direction ... make it very very clear. No cushion. Factual.