Alphin

Your decision to D seems very sudden. It has also followed sharply after your curious post regarding your family's reading your posts here, and an odd message to the effect that you'd blown it with MB. Your conversation with SH seems to have caused you to move sharply away from the marriage.

This is too sudden a swerve to be 'normal'. There is something not right here, and I think it needs to be pointed out.

I can speculate that you are reacting to your Prozac and are a little unstable. I can speculate that you are doing this because you are being 'watched' by family members. I can also speculate that you have perhaps not been entirely honest with us about your situation. That may be wholly inaccurate, but I have been around these boards a long time, and your actions do not ring true.

Whichever, I put it to you that have not earned your divorce. You are only a short time from d-day. The situation is awful, and your have certainly earned your Plan B and an opportunity to detach yourself from your H. But divorce? A year down the line, maybe. Not 3 months.

I wold like to know why your attitude changed so dramatically in the course of 24 hours.

Perhaps what TA is asking so tangentially is, have you met someone else?

A little, I guess. I have been thinking about it for about four days now - each day I've become more convinced.


I realise that's probably how it seems. Actually, since the Prozac began working, my emotions have come under control for the first time since this all started. I am, now, thinking clearly.


This situation has now been resolved - thankfully. I apologise, I should have cleared that up in my other thread. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />


I have been as honest as I can be in everything I have written here. I've never been so honest, in fact (I'd never be able to talk about all this stuff outside of the forum).


I think I 'earned' my D the moment my WH was first unfaithful with OW. I earned it when he told me he didn't love me any more; I earned it when he told me he was leaving me; I earned it when he left; I earned it when he moved straight in with the OW; I earned it when he introduced her to his parents two weeks later; I earned it when the OW introduced him to her parents; and when I exposed, and exposed, and exposed. And when I plan A'd even though my heart was dead and I had to stick my nails into my hand to force myself to smile.

And when WH kept drinking, and smoking, and living the bachelor life. I can't wait a year for him, hoping he'll dry out. It won't happen.

Alph.

NO!

Faithful, you didn't. I was just kidding. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Alph.

Alphin, this is not what 'earning it' means. What you're saying is that you've been hurt, and that you're 'entitled' to something because of that hurt, and because you've been mistreated.

Do you think the situation is any different for other BS's?

Can you hear that you're talking like a WS?

'Earning' it means that you've worked hard on all the flaws in yourself that you can discover. It means that you have sunk your pride and tried to listen to your S's complaints, and offered a genuine chance to change those things. It means you have given changes in attitude time to work. It means that there is no more you can reasonably give to the attempt. Then, you can move on with honour and with the certainty that you have given it everything you could.

Three / four months? That's enough time for you? You 'can't wait a year for him'? Why not? What's the rush?

One day, looking back, it will seem like five minutes. It will look like five seconds to your daughters.

By all means prepare yourself mentally for life as a single parent. Look to your own life and seek to protect your daughters. Straighten out legal issues and make sure your arrangements for your kids are watertight. Protect yourself emotionally, financially and legally from your H as much as possible.

But don't make big decisions on the basis of sudden and strong feelings. Decisions made in heat like that are nearly always bad decisions, no matter how good it feels to act on those feelings at the time. Although you claim that these feelings have been working through you for a while, that certainly hasn't been apparent in your posts here. Either you have hidden those feelings very well, or you are a naturally impulsive person, or it's the Prozac talking.

You don't know what has gone wrong with your M. A good aim right now would be to acknowledge that your H is not coming back, but ask him to work with you in some kind of MC to analyse what went wrong. Frankly, you need that to take to any new relationship. Either you have failed to understand the kind of man you were married to, or there are aspects of relationships where you could usefully change your approach. Do you want to find yourself in a relationship with another weak man, or another closet alcoholic? It would be worth you finding out what you can, if he can be persuaded to co-operate. It would be worth looking to Relate's mediation service. However poor you may consider them to be at saving marriages, their mediation service may be more functional.

Did you continue your MarriageCare sessions?

TogetherAlone

What did he say? What was his recommendation?

Susan

Alph - I don't think that I have ever posted to you before. As I do not have much advice to ever offer. I do feel your pain and feel badly for you.

My WH is also a drinker. He has been a big drinker for years and I do not see that changing any time ever. In my instance, I do not think alcohol played a very big part in his A. He may drink now to numb the pain he has caused everyone, including himself.

I think it is a tough situation for the WS to give up their addictions. They are addicted to the OP and some have an added addiction of alcohol or other.

You know what is best for you and your daughters. Yes, you have earned your D and feel very good about what you have done so far.

Besides, just because you are getting a D, does not mean that you and your WS might not be able to see each other in a different light some day down the road. Things will be different and that could change everything.

Hold your head high and do what you think is best. I suppose that is all any of us can do.

God bless you.

Carnation

I just want to add my opinion! I think that some people just do not want their marriage to work and maybe this is the case with you Alph. You are hurt and rightfully so, but maybe you as a person, a married person haven't been happy for a long time and now you see that you really do want out of your marriage. Maybe by your husband walking out on you it gave you the light you needed to say hey I don't even want to be married. If that is the case then you have every right to D. You tried to save your marriage, maybe not as much as some would like, but maybe YOU just don't want it any more.

I, on the other hand will never divorce my husband! He is going to have to initiate everything if he ever wants a divorce from me! I am in Plan A and going on a trip for 2 weeks tomorrow with our whole family. I will see where we are at when we get back.

I think what everyone wants is for you to be sure this is what you want and confident in yourself that you know you did everything you could to save your marriage. Some marriages just can't be saved. And families with kids have it extremely tough. I know, I have 3! Love your kids and yourself and I wish you all the very best!

Sorry to hear abt the feeling in want to go for a D. I have little choice but to sep from my WH. I wasn't able to sleep or eat well and I had to immediately search for a job to keep parents and my heads above water. WH was also drowning us financially.. hence, the sep deed had to be drafted asap to secure our needs. Besides he wanted to have this done, and now he's chasing me to finalise it.

But I do understand how you feel though.... I am going thru it myself. I don't see WH. Haven't seen him for a week. So there's nothing to work thru with him!!! It's like out of sight out of mind. So even though I do miss him, I am carrying on with my life doing the things I have to do.

I'm no longer surprised if this will finally lead to a D either coz if he's not even physically here how to save anything???? And the longer he's away, the farther away I've moved on. But then, I have a cleaner 'cut'. We have no kids to come in between and necessitate contact.

You do have to take some time to consider though. You might change yr mind again today, next week, who knows? Just keep living for yourself and kids first, then when you know it's right, it's right.

~A

Wh is acting strangely.

He used to come around twice a week; on Wednesdays and Sundays. He didn't come last Wednesday, no explanation.

He has been calling the girls almost every day since he left, at the same time: 7.15, because DD5 goes to bed at 7.30.

Now he has started calling at 7.45 - DD5 has to get up out of bed to talk to him.

And he is saying that I won't let him see the girls more than once a week?

I think he's flipped.

Alph.

Alph

Explain to him clearly and lovingly once again that he can see the kids when he likes but should cal before 7:30.

A dose of loving logic can be effective at pricking the bubble of fog rationaliztion.

OW is probably getting real demanding and possesive now that you have removed yourself from the picture. WS don't like obligations, responsibilities, or pressure. I suspect that trouble is brewing in paradise.

It is too bad that your girls have to suffer for this. I'm sure his unreliable behaviour is a dissappointment to them. One thing that SH told me was that the kids should know that this is not normal or acceptable behaviour. How are they taking all this?

I agree here with b=b, but have your intermediary person deliver the message to him. Don't do it yourself.

To everyone who has posted to me: thanks!

I know I'm a quitter. I've failed at my M, I've failed as a parent, and now I've failed at MB.

Plan B just seems well, childish for someone in my situation. My WH is already gone! It's like I'll be saying to him: 'If you won't talk to me, then I'm not talking to you either. Ya boo sucks!' <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

Does this make any sense? And I do worry that the kids will think it very very strange.

Is Plan B meant to be harder than plan A? I thought it was meant to be a haven. Perhaps I'm just afraid of letting go.

I don't know. Sorry I've let everyone down. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Alph.

I agree here with b=b, but have your intermediary person deliver the message to him. Don't do it yourself.

Why LT ? Alph isn't in plan B is she ?

My dear Alph, you have not let anyone down! If you no longer want your marriage, you have every right to let it go. No one can make that decision for you. A betrayed spouse has every right to end the marriage. Whatever you decide, I wish you the best - and I think you rock (a great compliment, according to my kids). <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

That said, I know that I personally have days where I want it to be over and done - but then I change my mind. You are not me, though, so you have to do what is right for you. Rock on, Alph. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

to everyone who has posted to me: thanks!

ce rien

I know I'm a quitter. I've failed at my M, I've failed as a parent, and now I've failed at MB.

* Plays violin. *

Plan B just seems well, childish for someone in my situation. My WH is already gone! It's like I'll be saying to him: 'If you won't talk to me, then I'm not talking to you either. Ya boo sucks!'

Plan B is for YOU not WH. Its to get you out of the chaos so you can get strong. It also means WH gets to miss you while you do this.

Its a GREAT preperation for an intelligent divorce AND helps kill 99% of all known affairs.

Its the PERFECT step for you now, but you want the defiant gesture of a divorce. Understandable, but I predict whatever you do will be harder WITHOUT plan B than with it. Your choice of course, mate.

Does this make any sense?
Nope. First illogic you've spouted in yoru time here, Alph.

And I do worry that the kids will think it very very strange.

It IS strange, and also very very painful for them. Plan B might help them prepare for a D too.

Is Plan B meant to be harder than plan A? I thought it was meant to be a haven. Perhaps I'm just afraid of letting go.

Its harder to EXECUTE Plan B than plan A but folk who do it well report a calmness and a peace long since missing from their lives. It IS a haven but needs preparing which requires sand and proper management.

Divorce is a tough step for someone who's afraid of letting go.

I don't know. Sorry I've let everyone down.

No you haven't, and I won't fuel your pity party.

You are hitting the impatience and frustration wall. vry intense plan A suffers it.

You must take the step you think is right.

{{{{alph}}}}

Sorry, my mstake b0b, I thought Alphin had gone to Plan B...

Alphin, pls do not blame yourself for everything. You have not failed as a parent nor the M.

There may be things that we can change or improve but please DO NOT take the blame for WH's actions!

~A