hey Alphin, you do sound a little better actually.. you are beginning to have some fun again <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I can understand how you feel but as you have kids, Plan B wld very well work for you.

Unlike my situation, Plan A/ Plan B.. when there's hardly need for contact, what diff does it make? Moving on for me is the best choice.

R you going to hand him the letter on Wed?

~A

I have a problem with the plan B letter. I'd really value some advice!

In the plan B letter, you are meant to say how you love your WS, and how you would love to work on the M if the WS gives up the A partner and recommits to the family.

What if you no longer feel this way? What if writing that you love your WS, and want to save the M, isn't true any more?

I still want the benefits of plan B (ie - not seeing WH for a long, long time, and working on myself, and recovering) but the more I think about it, the less I want him back.

How can I write him a plan B letter? It would be a lie.

Alph.

" I love you WH, but your behaviour is making me lose my love for you fast. In order to preserve what's left, and my sanity I am going dark - removing myself from the chaos you have created...." etc etc.

Thats true isn;t it ?

I don't know if it is true, b0b.

I know that you've always said that love is a choice. You chose to love Squid, even when it was very hard to do so.

I've got to the stage where it is easier not to love my WH than it is to love him. I suppose that's my weakness, but returning to the pain (ie loving him) when I could choose not to love him seems like making the choice between deciding to hit myself over the head with a brick, or not!

Also, why the letter? Couldn't I just say to WH tomorrow - look, I don't want to see you for a long, long time. Keep out of my life? If I could do that, it would be more honest.

Alph.

Alph do what you think is right.

This is a marriage builders site,and we advise and reference marriage building strategies.

If you don't want to save or rebuild your marriage now, theres no need to follow a marriagebuilding plan.

The wording, the method of delivery and the execution of a plan B letter and plan B itself is borne of those actions best proven to help rescue marriages. Its only useful to conform to such if you want a chance of rescuing your M.

If you no longer want to rescue yours, do as you feel is right Alph. Really.

Love is a choice. Working on a broken marriage, love or not, because of the greater good or a vow, or whatever is a choice too. Your choice.

If you are so very certain you don't love him or want him why not divorce him right now? Save a lot of dithering.

Alphin,

Plan B is better in a letter because the written word has much more impact, he can return to it and read it again and again, he can't ask you questions or try to manipulate or make you feel bad, you'll have his full attention and you won't "fluff" your lines.

I hear what you are saying about not loving him....do you think you have put your walls up now and can't see through or over them? I know that feeling very well.

If you cannot make yourself say you love him then talk in the past....I loved you so very much, you meant everything to me, we made 2 beautiful children together. Now your behaviour has caused me to lose my feelings for you and I no longer wish to remain in your chosen chaos/way of life...etc

Or some such thing.

Would that be easier and more truthful for you?

(((((Alphin)))))

Who do you not want? The WS or your H?

L.

Orchid,

It's the WS I don't want. But at the moment I feel like my H is gone for good. It has been only 3 1/2 months since he left, and still every chance that the A will end. But recovery seems such a mountain to climb.


StrongFoundation, this is a very good idea. I'll revise my plan B letter to past tense, but still make it seem affectionate. I don't hate him, after all!

I'm in a turmoil because I am so unsure about what to do about the kids. I've been speaking to friends and my mom, and everyone thinks that there is no reason to introduce the kids to OW at this point. What is the benefit to them? WH (and possibly OW) are the only ones to see any benefit for them, and their reasons are purely selfish. WH wants to play happy families with OW, and OW wants to validate her R with WH.

There is no reason to allow this. I think I will say to WH tomorrow that I will not allow contact unless we are divorced. If he finds out that he can introduce them anyway, and does so against my wishes, then there's nothing I can do about that. But at least I will have made my thoughts plain.

Alph.

Giving a WS an ultimatum is like waving a red flag in front of a bull. Does not good but rile him up.

Instead try letting him know you do not feel safe with him around the children. Let him know his choices are questionable and now his association around his children is in question. He will get angry and hurt. Let him. If he questions why, tell him his choices in OPs (call them OPs not by a name) show he allows himself to associate with people of questionable character. You can't afford to expose your chlidren t/b around those who conduct themselves as such. Give an example of a person who you both know is bad association for your children, then question his character.

Don't offer to explain just say you don't feel safe for yourself and your family around him. Then drop it.

If he chooses to bring the OW around the children, then seek for full custody. In the meantime do a complete background check on the OW. Nail her butt for all you can as far as exposing any conduct that would not create a safe environment for your children around her. Some have even resorted to an RO after showing the OP t/b unstable.

The more unstable the OP is, the better your case.

L.

I don't have kids, but if I had any I don't think I'd feel comfortable with them meeting OW either! I wouldn't even want my darling West Highland terrier to meet the OW!

So stand firm and do what your gut/ instinct tells you, Alphin. Protect yourself and kids first.

I do understand how you feel about easier not to love the WH. I feel that way alot of the time!! It's coz he's turned into this weirdo spaced out ghouly WH.


~A

You know, I wish I had a dog. I'm sure he'd be a real comfort to me. I have two cats, but they just have hearts of stone.

It really struck me that when WH left, the cats just couldn't have cared less. As long as someone (IE me) was there to feed them, they were fine about the separation!

A dog would have pined and pined for WH.

I think I'll spend the afternoon rewriting my plan B letter. I'll start from scratch.

Alph.

Alph,

You are getting some great advice here from Orchid and others.

I can only give you a warm, sisterly, virtual hug. (((((Alph))))) If you were here, I'd make you a cup of Margaret's Hope First Flush.

Sounds lovely! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I am broke again. I guess I couldn't really afford the session with SH!

I suppose I should mention the money situation to WH tomorrow, as well. Even though he has no money in his bank account, either.

He does have a credit card, though.

I am desperate enough now to ask him for some money. Pride takes a tumble, but DD5 has to eat. I can't go on like this until the CS payments come through - I have no idea how long that will take.

Perhaps it will help a little of the fog lift, too.

Alph.

My doggie prob knew abt the A even before I did! I would think she cld smell OW's scent all over him. In fact, I did notice doggie being rather aloof towards WH. She was still aloof towards him when he came back to grab his stuff.

Alph, don't think abt it as pride. Yr WH SHOULD continue to be responsible for the welfare and survival needs of his kids and wife! You shldn't be left to scrounge for scraps. It's not like you and kids are asking for truffles and caviar.

~A

Good doggie!


*dreams of truffles and caviar whilst heating beans on the stove...*

I was determined to make it on my own, without WH. He did promise to give me money for the kids, though. Haven't received a penny yet! He did offer the other week, but I said we'd manage until the CS came through (ARGGGH). Time for a mega climb down.

But he should have been giving me money from the day he moved out! What a dork.

And I should have insisted on it, instead of being a proud eejit. I'm a dork, too.

Alph.

Alph
Can you not use your ambivalence towards WH as a way to talk pratically about cash ?

"WH, our kids need you to support them financially. Let us agree amounts and frequencies".

Yes, I think I can.

It's a shame he hasn't actually got any money to give me. Still, if he pays me immediately after payday, that won't be a problem.

b0b, I am finding the execution of Plan B very difficult - and I am creating some problems where they probably don't exist.

I'm sorry if you are disappointed. I wish I could be more level headed - darn Prozac isn't doing all it should!!!

I am going to try Plan B. Everyone says it is so worth it. I guess I just left it too long.

Soz again.

Alph.

Alph

I'm not disappointed. There was no smarm in my post this morning. You are the captain of your life and you can do what you think is right.

if I am honest I think you dispay cyclic emotional dysfunction right now, and that can happen with folks getting used to a-ds. It got so bad with me I quit them.

You are dismissively anti-M for a day, then upbeat and realistic, then sad and morose.

I would advise you to plan B just in case you stablise and can decide intelligently what you want to do.

But, you're a smart person and can do the right thing and only you know what that is.

{{{alph}}}

Divorce him now if you're sure plan B won't help you.

Thank you, b0b.

I've always valued your support, and especially now that you are feeling pretty blue yourself.

Thanks, mate!

Alph.

Alph ... did you love your H right up until you knew he was in an affair or did you have doubt about your love for your H preceeding discovery of his A?