Thanks, Ashley.

B0b - let me know where she got that done! LOL! Edinburgh isn't that far from me. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Alph.

'morning Alph !

MAN I'm pooped ! Those 'flying out and back in a day' gigs really knock me about. And I get home and the kids want to jump on me and pester me ! Bless 'em !

I just want to lie down in a darkened room and scowl for an hour ! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

I'll ask her where she got it done. Not very MB I guess but funny anyway !

Strange thing Alph, I guess it predates your knowledge of my story but while I wasn;t goig to paste Squids face on the U bend, i WAS going to get a tattoo. Had it drawn up too: a broken heart, that I would get modified to include 'repairs' if we ever got together again.

This was the nost significant negative event in my life ever and I wanted to commemorate it.

But I held off.

And in time as Squid came around I realised what it might be like to see that ink remind her she broke my heart every time we go to bed til death do us part.

So I didn't. I wish I could come up with a design that wouldn't offend but that I'D know about.

At least a new toilet base is only eighty quid and could be changed in an hour if they ever reconcile ! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

You in plan B now darl' ?

I'm not in plan B yet, b0b.

Things are horrid at the moment. He comes around here and we don't speak. But I can't go into plan B yet because:

1) he is taking the cats to the cattery for me whilst we are on holiday, and collecting them. I'm hoping he might pay for that too. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

2) I don't want to go into plan B whilst I feel this way about him (i.e. full of anger and resentment). I don't want his final memory of me to be one where I'm looking at him with contempt and hatred. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

3) I am seeing my solicitor tomorrow to iron out some important legal details.

4) It's very tricky to start plan B in the middle of the summer holidays. When we get back from Spain and visiting my parents, WH will want to see more of the kids, and not stick to any schedule, which we haven't decided on yet anyway. After we get back from holiday, I will need to meet with WH again to decide on the schedule. Then I can go into plan B.

Alph.

If you aren't in plan B, its important and COMPLETELY UNINTUITIVE to continue to be 'plan A' Alph. in the face ofhis hostility.

That nice M&S top, smell nice, smile sweetly though your heart is breaking or you want to smash his face in with a table lamp.

THAT way you can reinforce the fact that your exposure which has obviously hurt them so very much is not a manifestation of your SPITE fo rhim but your LOVE for him and your marriage.

See ?

I KNOW you can do hard stuff alph. Do this hard thing now WELL.

Its actually a good thing WHs hostility. It shows exposure is working.

Can you imagine how [censored] his life is right now? Imagine the rapid spanish accented rants , arms waving her gets every day now?

And in the midst of this you are smiling, loving but taking no [censored].

Brilliant.

I guess it is. I wish I knew what the latest development was, but I suppose I'll find out in time.

And yes, I wish I could smash his face in with a table lamp.

So I'll smile sweetly when he comes around tomorrow. I'll wear the M&S top, and not the scruffy baggies I've been wearing in strop mode.

But, another question - and I'm not trying to avoid plan B, but I really want to know.

How can plan B be effective for me if WH doesn't want to see me anyway? I know it's effective for me, as I'm removed from the chaos of the A etc, I can't see that WH will be 'missing' anything if I'm out of contact.

Alph.

Alph

The opposite of love is nothate, but indifference.

Your WH is not indoifferent to you. His need for you or attachment to you is evidently frustrating him. he knows nothing of MB so he doesn't know his affair is starting to crumble as exposur works its magic and OW and him start to tire of each otehrs annoying habits.

He just thinks this is life, not a phase of it.

WS usually want SOME fo the predictable benefits of their BS, and/or 'permission' from them to move on.


In plan B you remove ANY SHRED of benefit from his having you in his life and also ANY HINT that 'it sOK' for him to do what he does.

WS can feel alone, scared, precipitous. Guilty, reflective.

All the wile you are shut off from the chaos, licking your wounds and getting strong.

Thats one reason plan B works.

I get what you mean Alph. I have removed myself from the chaos for almost 2 months already. Nothing has really changed except for added exposure. Or rather maybe something has changed, but I haven't seen it as I'm not in the chaos??? Hmmm...

Dun mean to TJ, but since we are talking abt indifference... I've been pondering abt that the last few days as well. WH has been almost plan B-ing me as well ever since he decided he wanted to separate. We do not have reason to talk. We don't have kids to prolong any form of contact. I do wonder if he's been already indifferent to me and has lost love for me almost completely. (He claimed he wanted to leave 5 yrs ago.. that statement is still hard to bite.) I guess I'm just wondering coz if that's the case, hope is then v slim wldn't it? And that shld give me more reasons to continue letting go and moving on.

~A

Ashley,

My WH said the same thing - he'd wanted to leave since before DD5 was born.

After he'd said that, I thought to myself: Then why didn't you? Why on earth did you make another child with me? Why have you left me now instead of six years ago?

The answer is: it's a lie. He didn't want to leave me six years ago. It's just one of the excuses he's using to cover up the fact of the real reason he's leaving: he started scr*wing another woman and 'fell in love' with her.

I wish he's just be honest! Bloody coward. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

Alph.

Yep. Chicken. A black liar and a chickenshit coward.
And through it all you are decent and right. It KILLS active WS to have a living template thatshow us their dark behaviour.

Another good reason to do [email]it.@grin:[/email]

I did ask him the same thing directly.. why didn't you leave 5 yrs ago then?? He cldn't answer. Cldn't even look at me.

He then escaped and began staying at his friend's house after that nite. From then, he didn't dare come home or face me.

His CA behaviour really makes me arrrghhhh <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> sometimes!

~A

They are doomed to repeat their old mistakes, if they won't face them now.

WH won't accept that he's done anything wrong at all - any attempt to tell him he has hurt anyone or that his A might be a bad thing is met by defensiveness and 'you are being very hostile and aggressive towards me'.

Poor WH - no-one likes his A, and everyone wants him to stop it. Everyone is being so mean to him. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />

Alph.

This is the fog-speak I got:

WH: I have wanted to leave for one, no two, no five years!

Me: Why didn't you leave us then, WH?

WH: Because I didn't want to leave yet.

Me: (Thinking - thanks for clearing that up!)

Later on (after first round of exposure when WH phoned me up, begging me not to expose further) he said to me: Alphin, our marriage has been over for years, you have to accept that.

I said: I don't accept that! Why didn't you leave me years ago in that case?

All he said was: what?

I guess he hadn't really thought it through himself...

Alph.

My H said the same thing to me. H also said he has only lusted me and never loved me. When I asked him "then what about what you said and done for me, etc.", he kept denying it. But then later on H DID admit that he had loved me very much. So that part at least became clear - that H was lying. H still says though that he felt things were not working like 10 years ago! H's excuse of having a kid with me? He said he was trying to fill the hole by having a baby. That's very responsible!

When I asked WH why he had wanted another child if he wanted out of the marriage, he said he was trying to save the marriage.

I could have killed him. Luckily, we were talking on the phone! You were thinking of leaving and you thought it would be a good idea to make another child whose heart you could break?

I can't believe he really meant this. Everyone has thoughts about leaving, when you are tired, angry, or you've just had a row with your spouse. My WH has taken these feelings, that every married person has but wouldn't dream of acting on, and turned them into a reality for himself. The only reality, however, the only truth, is that it was his A that made him leave, and not our marriage.

Alph.

Speaking of exposure...

Have you decided whether you want us to write to the school admin?

Hope DD is feeling better.

DD5 is much better, thank you Aphelion. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I am unsure about exposing further to the school, as I think that something else has happened there. I can't be sure, but WH is sure mad with me about something!

I know you are itching, but I'd like to leave it for now. At least until I find out what is new, anyway.

Alph.

Alph
be assured that your WH is justifying HARD to himself right now to keep in his shaking affair.

No lie or delusion is too ludicrous for him to use.

Keep you mind gripped on the facts. you know if you had a good marriage or not. And even if you didn;t an affair is a foul way of dealing with it.

'k?

Pittman makes such a point in 'Private Lies'. If something is wrong in a marriage, why deal with it by having an A? It's the height of stupidity!

Of course, those who become involved in A's aren't thinking with their brains at all.

I took DD's shopping today. We spent lots of money we couldn't afford on sun cream, bikinis and sun hats. Just over one week to go, and we fly away from all of this.

I can't wait. This is first thing I've looked forward to in nearly four months.

Alph.

OK. You're in the driver’s seat. I'll ride shotgun - my 12 gauge is locked and loaded.

It's not so much an itch as a major breakout of hives.... Maybe I've developed an allergy to affairs.

Hey, I was in Edinburgh on business a few months ago. Been there twice now. Also visited a family friend who lives in St Andrews. Didn’t have time to play golf. No plans to go back any time soon though.