Are you in a formal plan B or just sulking with each other ?

OMG - Michael Owen is coming to Newcastle United - probably.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

WHY WHY WHY can't I talk to WH about this - I'm so excited.

OW doesn't even like football - I bet she supports Real Madrid or something cheezy like that.

I want to phone WH and scream my happiness to him - but I can't.

*sigh*

Alph.

Just sulking. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Alph.

Stop sulking. Whether you divorce or recover you need to learn to communicate in adversity Alph.

Unless you've given up. Thats OK if you have of course, but its important you don't think you're stil Plan A'ing when you're not.

I'm in limbo whilst I prepare for Plan B.

I haven't completely given up. But I can't Plan A any more - I haven't been able to since before my holiday.

Just a few more days, and I'll be ready.

Alph.

Draft of new Plan B letter:

WH,

When I told you a little while ago that I didn’t want you back, it was a lie.

I want nothing more than for us all to be a family again (you know this is what the girls want too), but I cannot tolerate the current situation any longer.

We missed you so much on holiday; things were so different without you. I kept on thinking about the things we did in Spain the last time we were there together, and then I would remember that the last time you were in Spain you were there with OW, and it tore me apart.

I can’t take this any more. Please press on with the divorce if you want to, but I am not going to help you with it.

I have said before that I don’t want to see you – this still stands. It isn’t because I hate you; it is because, unfortunately for me, I still love you and this situation is destroying me.

So I can’t see you, or communicate with you until you are out of my system. I don’t know how long this will be. It might not be until long after the divorce is finalised. Please note that I am not restricting your access to the children – you may still see them as often as you wish, but arrange it on the phone with DD12 before hand, as you have already been doing. Any problems and she can call you back. Keep the house keys – I will always be here when you come to drop them off. Just don’t come in.

I am sorry that I wasn’t the kind of wife you wanted. I am sorry that I let things slip to such an extent that you felt you’d be happier with someone else. Please know that I do, and have always loved you with all my heart – even when I was angry with you, which I admit in the last couple of years or so was quite often. I am sorry.

So, as we end this, please respect my pain, and do as I have asked – do not try and contact me. If you need any information regarding the divorce, you must contact me through my solicitor:

***

Mediation is no longer an option, I’m afraid.

Take care of yourself.

Alphin.

Before you go to Plan B ..... you have a huge part of plan A you have neglected.

.... and it has bugged me for a long time....

If ~I~ were your husband ... I would be CONVINCED that there is no way I could be welcomed back home to my place as Alph's husband .... even if I were desperate to give up OW and be a part of the family again.

.... Alph .... ???? Is this what you want your husband to think/feel .... that he has made his bed with OW hence there is no road leading home?

Be honest .... because if that is true ... there is no road home for your husband ... just get it over with.

That wasn't a plan B letter as much as a plan D letter.

I think you need to read some of the examples of plan B letters and see if you can show your WH the way home. 4 1/5 months may seem like a long time to you but really..it isn't. A's can run their courses in about 2 yrs. Can you be patient in a real plan B?

Maybe you don't think it is possible. Believe me, in my situations they would have seemed hopeless to most people. We are very happy together. My FWH made it out of the fog. It is possible. I can't promise that it will happen in your situation...but it certainly isn't impossible.

Did your FWS leave you, Trix?

I know yours didn't, Pep. I've also read that you wouldn't have taken him back if he had, either. That you couldn't be 'second best'.

My 'problem', if I can call it that, is that I have gained a little self respect and confidence back for myself. I keep thinking 'why should I wait for a man who treated me like this?'.

I know it's not MB. I want to think and work the MB plan. But whenever I see WH now, I feel the venom rising.

I can't talk to him without spitting the venom in his face. So I haven't been speaking to him.

I can't, just can't, go back to plan A. It's too far beyond that.

Alph.

I feel I should have gone to Plan B right from the start, right after I found this site. He'd already been gone for nearly two months then.

I feel that exposure has failed. I feel it has only pushed them closer together.

My plan A has been very patchy. I was never able to do the flirty/sexy thing because it just felt ridiculous. This man left me, he is going home to the OW and I have to flirt with him? The problem's been that I've been utterly miserable in his presence since he moved in with the OW. It's hard to be flirty and sexy when you feel like that.

If he was having an A and still lived with me, I could handle that. BUT HE LEFT. He is having SF with another woman on a very regular basis. I can't compete with that, I never was able to. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

I don't want to get divorced. I want my children to have a father who loves them, living here with them. I don't want to be a single mother.

But this is not the same as still loving my H. No matter what I do (and I have tried, really) I just can't feel that way any more, when he insults and humiliates me every day just by living with her.

Alph.

Alph,

you haven't really tried MB plans yet. You haven't given them a chance.

Everyone agrees that As don't last more than 2 years and the ones that do are probably due to the fact that the WS doesn't have any options and decides to stick with the OP and that's because the BS has decided it is so.

I know all about not being respected and self esteem. I lived with WH for 2 months after d day while he was spending 14+ everyday with OW AND the weekends. All I did was cook dinner and wash clothes. OW even got to choose his clothes!

But I have worked on myself, I do feel better since I am in plan B.

I pity WH and that keeps me in plan B. I'm giving him a chance to save himself. I can't be sure he will, but I do it mainly for myself. I have to be sure I was a "big" enough person to give him a chance to recover his family and be the man he wanted to be.

Of course I don't feel like having him back much, not the person he is now but everyone says that a recovered marriage is so different and so much better I am trusting the opinion of all these people here who give up their time to help us.

I hink you should go to plan B,but more importantly, I think you should work on recovering yourself. I don't say this lightly, I know how difficult it is.

The first couple of months I was in a daze.... but now I have MY LIFE. I have also kept my decency, my dignity and my honesty.

It may not work out but then, what better choices are there?

Do you want to try and save your marriage?

I am confused.

PS added .... The reason I am asking this .... I want to know if it is reasonable to continue posting to you with marriage-saving suggestions, or not.

If you do not wish to have us post MB-PLAN marriage suggestions, I'd like to know for my own sake.

I don't know.

I feel it's the right thing to do.

But I feel it's hopeless, I feel I've blown it, I feel I don't love him.

I am confused, too.

Alph.

Pep, just read your edit.

I can't do plan A any more. I need to move to plan B; my love bank is empty.

I do appreciate all the time and effort you've given me. I would like you to keep posting to me, but I understand your frustration with me.

Alph.

My H moved out 3 times...The first separation lasted about 1 or 2 months, then another separation: a four month stint in his own apt. The OW did his cleaning, laundry, and dry cleaning. The last separation was for 2 months when he moved into OW's house after her DV. After he ended it with OW he then spent 2 more months at a friend's house because I wouldn't let him just come right home without some counseling and personal work.

Although I hate to say it...he had another A (with a different woman) 4 yrs later for 8 months but didn't move out. I found MB just before the D-day..but when I was suspecting another A. We have been recovered now since early 2003. He now understands the meaning of commitment, personal and marital boundaries, as well as the four rules for a successful marriage. We worked the MB program together.

The difference is that with the main A, the OW had 3 kids and DV'd her rich H because of her A with my H... but it also could have been an exit A. He broke up with her. She said in a card she'd always be there for him..

The last OW was about 10 yrs younger than him, separated with a grown child not living with her.

If you don't know if you want to save your marriage .... how would your H know he is welcome home?

I never said I was frustrated. I said I am confused. I don't know what to offer you because you don't have a clear idea of what it is you want to accomplish.

Hey Alphin --- You've been alittle quiet. Howz it going at your end??

~A