I guess we all believe our marriages are special and sacred; I have been married to the women of my dreams for 25 years and never believed she could do this to me. You believe you know how you would feel if it happens but you really don’t. Today is three week since D-day, I’m still sad, still hurt, still cry, but I’m still in love with her. How do you get past all of the emotion and miss trust after she carried on an affair for six months?

Three weeks past dday is not a lot of time. Don't expect to just suddenly "turn off" the hurt, pain, mistrust. Those feelings are there for a reason, and need to be dealt with appropriately. The road to recovery can be long & painstaking.

Did your wife reveal her infidelity to you, or did you find out and confront her?

I found messages on her cell phone that said “I miss You, Love you and I Love you Baby!” She hasn’t called me baby in years! When I confronted her she confessed stating that her relationship with him just progressed to that level. She said she didn’t do it to hurt me and still loves me and claims it is possible to be in love with two men at the same time.

Time to make a plan of action and stick to it. Be clear with her that she must choose - at all costs. Tell her it's you or him, and if it's not you, then there's the door. She must face the reality of her situation, and unfortunately no one but you is going to show her what that is.

You "get on" with life by doing those things that will help bring you wholeness and healing. Sometimes you must travel the path of healing alone, sometimes others come alongside or catch up later.

Your spouse is in full denial about the ramifications of her adultery. She's in "the fog" - "la la land". She cannot continue in this false reality forever, but she might stay there for quite some time.

Be prepared to fight for your marriage, be prepared for anything as the outcome. Pray, seek God's peace. Read Philippians 4:6-7, memorize it, and let the peace of Christ be your guard through it all.

She told me that she hasn’t had physical contact with him in three months and knows she can never see him again but he works for a company that has contact with hers, so she said even though she may not initiate it, they may talk. I told her the only way I would accept it if it was truly inadvertent contact and she immediately told me. She has told me she is committed to our marriage and is very sorry.

I actually asked her to read all of Dr. Harley’s articles on how to survive infidelity and marriage building. She cried and told me she didn’t want to finish because it was hurting her to bad…but finished them all any way. She was mad at me for asking her to read them but I told her it was all part of the healing process, I believe we have made such progress in 3 weeks that I should give her a break and not talk about it for a week. I would like her to start feeling good about herself and me.

It is very very hard to get past the emotion and mistrust. In fact it is early days, so at the moment you wont.

Ground rules for your marriage. She must agree not to see this person at all - even inadvertantly! The fact that she said she may inadvertantly come across the person is an excuse that it can be arranged. She needs to drop the excuses.

You will find it very difficult. Forget emotion and Trust at the moment. You will not trust for a very long time, basically because you are full of emotion. Yes not really a win win situation for you.

However, you both need to talk about the positives from now on. What will you do to make eachother feel secure, safe, loved (affair-proof)? Make it happen. The thing is, the more effort you both put into this plan, the better you both feel about your relationship and the more you want to keep doing it for eachother. Worked for my husband and I.

Good luck. It's a long road....but worth it if both are willing

This is good because it will give her a taste of what you have been going through [empathy] and hopefully will begin the process of removing once and for all the positive feelings about the affair in her mind.

TMCM

Thanks all, but I crashed last night and made thing worse...See my new post on:

I need Help! Plan A set back

Back on track after the plan A setback.

But I still need help with getting past the mistrust. WS wants me to trust her implicitly, which is something I always have done, but now I don’t and whenever I let her know that I have issues with trusting her, She gets upset with me. I need some reassurance from her, but I’m not sure as to and what would be the best action for both of us. I need to get past this, but she needs to help and be more forthcoming.