3 weeks from DD Although I haven’t screamed or yelled at her and God knows I want to; it still seams to come up every day. I’m trying not to keep reminding her of what she has done and be as positive as possible things have been fairly good considering but when I asked if I could hold her and she said no, “I need to want to cuddle or it just wouldn’t be right” She went on to say “that you say all of the write words but you don’t show it to me, I don’t see it in your eyes.” WOW there it is, I need to find away to make her feel my love, feel special….

Any suggestions?

HLR, I'm still struggling with what you're going through too--wanting those feelings to be "real" is a double-edged sword. We KNOW the pain our spouse has caused but yet we still want and need them to feel loved. Why, only God knows! My sitch is getting better by the day, but at 3 weeks post-D-day, it was very rough. I never screamed or yelled (or threw things) at H either, but it did come up every day, in almost every conversation, because it literally consumed me. I still love him SO much, even though most of the romantic feelings disappeared and still haven't totally come back.

One thing that my H and I had to come to grips with was that I NEEDED him to be able to show me affection openly even if I couldn't return it wholeheartedly because I couldn't even get to the point where I could listen to his "I love you" without wanting to vomit unless I could feel it in his embrace, his touch, even his kiss. I am seeing a lot of the way I felt in your words, so maybe talk to your W and tell her that for you to be able to regain some of those feelings for her, you have to be able to show her that you do love her, even if that love is totally different than it was pre-A. It won't "feel right" at first, it'll feel dowrnight WRONG, almost like you're with the wrong person; but that will change in time. You probably need that reassurance too, so as fake as it may feel, it's going to have to be done to get past the awkwardness.

The only way to overcome something is to face it head-on. Being intimate is probably the only way you're going to be able to regain the intimacy--and I'm not just talking about SF, either.

I appreciate your helpful words… Funny thing I always felt my wife is my soul mate and things like this happen to other people and than it hits you like a ton of bricks…But I now if I’m going to salvage my marriage I need to make her feel wanted and special at a time one it hurts the most…Any other suggestions are helpful.

Thank you so very much CamoKnightsWife, it helps to talk to someone because the only other person I can talk to about it is my wife…for her sake I’m pretending it never happened our kids and her family would be devastated and never see her the same again…I couldn’t do that to her…So I have no one to talk to but this forum.

Just a question here...why do you feel like it's your place to make her feel loved? As the WS, I felt it was my job to try and out-serve & out-love - not the other way around. It almost sounds like your wife is using the admission or discovery as "leverage" to gain power over you. That's just all wrong, in my view.

That’s a very good question that I struggle with everyday, but I have come to realize it is hurting her as much as is me. I want her to comfort me but she feels the whole thing makes me not want her or love her. Actually, what I think she is missing is I’ll never trust her again…very unfortunate we have had such a loving and wonderful life until this has ripped me apart. So I made a decision that I still love her and want her for my wife, I must get her all the way back before we can start talking about next steps. So for the third week I have decided to not remind her of it and display genuine love and affection.

Actually if I’m going about this wrong I would appreciate more feedback.

HLR, I don't think you're going about it all wrong, you're examining your own situation and responding as you see fit. There are prescribed ways to go about doing things,of course, but each individual couple will have individual problems and solutions. I do understand why DublD questioned you but I also understand fully why you feel you *need* to show your wife you love her. My H was ready on D-Day to accept whatever decision I made, including if I asked him to leave and never come back, because he thought I'd NEVER be able to stay with him after what he'd done. Making him feel needed and loved was something I did for him to help HIM heal and to let go of the FOW while learning again to cling to me. It had nothing to do with what I knew he needed to do to make me feel secure and loved, because he's got FAR more work to do than I do. NO, I'l never trust him implicitly again, but I do need to live with someone who can accept my affections and return them. I also need to be able to back up the things he says with how I feel he reacts to me.

See, you're not crazy!

First off, I was wrong in stating "that's all wrong, in my point of view". I don't want to interject my "views" into your situation, which I only know a little about. I was over-doing it a bit, there, and I must apologize and ask your forgiveness.

My wife responded to my infidelity with far more love and grace than I will ever totally understand. So, I admire you for wanting to make your wife feel loved and special.
One of the first books my wife and I read together after dday was "his needs her needs". I'd suggest you get it and devour it - together! Also, give your relationship plenty of time. If you keep on being loving to her, giving her what you know makes her feel safe and accepted by you, I have no doubt that one day she'll see you for the graceful, caring person that you, no doubt, are.

I will re-emphasize that you serve her by doing the things that you know bring her a sense of safety and acceptance - not the things that you translate as such. If you don't really know what those things are, then "his needs her needs" will definitely help you identify them.

Keep posting, keep fighting for your marriage, and PRAY PRAY PRAY!!!

One more thing, I hope you are a follower of Christ, and as such you need to be sure and be in the Word of God faithfully, on your own and with your spouse. Nothing brings intimacy like real spiritual intimacy.

I’m really glad you both have taken the time to help someone you don’t even know.

Thanks from the bottom of my heart at my time of emotional need to talk and you really can’t. Yes, I would call my self a Christian but not someone who has gone every Sunday but has certainly done my share of praying.

I'm sure you know that going to church doesn't make a christian. It's just an indication of someone's desire to be with other followers, and a good place to find support and love - granted, it's not always that way, but it sure oughta be. Anyway, I hope you keep reading, keep posting, keep praying, and find the healing you need.

I didn’t mean we don’t go, I just meant we should go more. Funny thing is we went to church for a funeral yesterday and WS said I don’t know if I can go to communion God might strike me dead, I told her it was up to her but from what I read about Catholic doctrine if you ask God and your husband for forgiveness and you can forgive yourself your sins are forgiven. She really just wanted to know if I was ok with it, but her not receiving communion would have raised questions from her family.

We went to bed last night and I explained that I thought she needed a break, I didn’t think she need to be reminded about it all of the time. I told her how much I love her and already forgave her. I asked if I could hold her and my WS said no, she needs to want to cuddle and doesn’t feel like it. She said you say all of the write words but you don’t show it to me, I don’t see it in your eyes.

WOW - She reads me like a Book, now what do I do?

Is she right? Are you not looking at her with love?

I try very very hard and most times I see our love but sometimes I see her betrayal and six months of lies.

Things went to hell in a hand basket last night…It’s the first night we had such a fight that we actually yelled at each other. My WS believes it was my entire fault and maybe I had high expectations for a special evening. When we went to bed I told her something’s feel as new as when we dated 26 years ago, and I loved her dearly. She told me this is not you, you’re telling me things you normally don’t say, I told her “I have always felt them and should have expressed them more.” She started telling me how alone she feels and it sent me off and I told her that I haven’t been this lonely in my life, she told me that’s why I fell in love with him he listens to me and makes me feel special. I said all of this makes me feel our marriage is a LIE. I don’t feel special or loved; it’s incredibly hard for a man not only to her that his wife had sex with another man but feel in love with another man. I feel you had a very secretive life I knew nothing about and you made a fool out of me by lying to me for six months. You would go meet your lover and than come crawling back into my bed. How could I have been so cruel, she said I’ll never sleep in your bed again then and go up to pack, telling me he doesn’t hurt me? I told her I was very sorry and had a complete relapse, I have been trying to handle it the best I can and really don’t want you to hurt any more. She said why don’t we spend the weekend apart?

We both said we where sorry this morning but I’m at a loss at what to do to night when she gets home?

"Looking at her in love" is going to take time, and somehow you need to get that point across to your wife. You have been through probably the most traumatic event of your life, your heart and mind are swimming in shock right now. What she sees in your eyes is pain, and it is going to take some extreme effort on HER part--some self-sacrificing, some doing things that she doesn't *want* to do, etc--for you to be able to let go of the pain that is burying the feelings of love you have for her. It may sound harsh, but this time of recovery is NOT all about her! The A was all about her, it was something you didn't get any satisfaction out of. Sorry to say this but now it's your turn.

Can I ask you this? What is she doing to make you feel loved and special?

Thanks all, but I crashed last night and made thing worse...See my new post on:

I need Help! Plan A set back

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Help Less Romantic, Confused but still in Love!

Thanks all, but I crashed last night and made thing worse...See my new post on:

I need Help! Plan A set back

In response to CamoKnightsWife, Thanks you have been an inspiration by allowing me to challenge my current thoughts.

So far she has been doing as I have asked in regards to the affair and has answered most of my questions of which some where very personal.

My plan is to spend time with her at a festival just doing some of things we like to do, maybe golf on Saturday and just see how Sunday goes… maybe a move…I feel if we can spend quality sometime it will allow us to start to feel like a special couple again. Who knows how the weekend is going to go for sure, I just want things to be spontaneous but the might lead to us getting intimate again and I’m afraid with all of my emotion that I might not live up to past expectations. Guess I need to clear my HEAD.

Thanks for letting me vent all of you suggestions have been helpful and new ones very much appreciated. Funny thing is at our hour of need when we need to talk to our best friend and partner the most…you can’t…at least not when you vent or challenging your feelings.