I am new to the forum and would like to say that I appreciate all the support everyone gives. It is obvious why I am here but my situation seems a little different. We got married about a month ago and had lived together a year before that and have been going out for 4 years. We are also 25 so we are kind of young. I found out a week or so ago and I am devasted, all the classic symptoms, sleep loss, not eating, etc...

I have listened to the advice here and I have tried some things so far. I was wondering if the fact that we are so young means that we should not try to make it work?

And what does it mean if she slips from withdrawal to conflict and back numerous times in a day?

I feel she really loves me but may be scared that she doesn't deserve me or happiness because of her selfishness.

Could this be true?
I need advice. Help please

Hello,

I am very sorry for you. Are you saying you have been married only a month and you have caught her sexually cheating on you? Maybe you should think about an annulment.
This is your honeymoon period. This is ridiculous.

Yea. I think our relationship progressed really fast. And truth be told when we first started going out I did the same thing. But I only had a single contact with my L. I didn't tell her until now of course. We are close but not as close as when we first met.

I can relate to so much of what is said here but I am wondering if she is to young to be commited for life. Before when things were better she said she was and I could feel the honesty. Now when she says it I am not so sure.

I had thought that it may be tough to spend the REST OF YOUR LIFE with one other person but I was ready to do that. How can I tell if she was or is as well.

Hello,

I think you answered your own question. You judge a person by their actions and not by their words. It is not necessarily a question of age but maturity. A wife that would have sex with another man and put her husband at risk for STD's after one month of being married pretty much says it all when it comes to her committment of marriage. Clearly she is not ready to be married and I think you know this.

Sorry I haven't got back but I was trying to work some things out. Mainly Plan A. On the outside lookin in I would agree with you, and even on the inside of this thing I would say the ame thing. But I keep remembering how we were happy and then I read what the Harley's say and it all makes sense.

I just wish I could know whether it is a marriage I should be concerned about saving or if it is something that never should have been. Why would she go through with it if she didn't feel the same way. I always thought I would be the one to hurt her. I didn't know how wrong I was.

Hello again,

I am very sorry for you. It certainly was not good that you cheated on her while you were dating. Apparently you worked it out. It is quite another thing to cheat on a spouse after you are married and only 4 months into the marriage.
It sounds very bad. Do not have children until you are sure she is seriously committed which sounds like she is not. Why did she marry you if she was going to cheat on you 4 months into your honeymoon period. I just don't get it.

I am glad that there are people out there that actually care. She says that she thinks we got to comfortable. Her parents are not very emotional and she doesn't want to be like them. As part of Plan A (which I am struggling with in and of itself) I told her that that could not happen because I would always share my feelings with her. I believe she got spooked and the thought of "forever, forever ever, foever ever".

I know that the marriage is worth saving and I could tell she loved me. She still says she does. But she has all the signs of a marriage that is much older. I don't know what we did but it is like we accelerated the marriage process (possibly because of her parents relationship.)

Thinking optimistically, that would mean that we will have longer to have good years when and if we do reconcile.

Oh she also said that she did not plan this it just happened. and she would have never planned to do something like this.

Thanks for talking to me about this. I feel crushed and it doesn't help that the marriage is young. But I know that I will never find the type of love that we shared for the years we were going out up until marriage.

I wish you the best. I am very concerned with her comment that things just happened after 4 months into the marriage which lead to a sexual affair. This is simply not true. People make choices all of the time. She made a deliberate choice to break her wedding vows and betray you sexually with another man. Saying things just happened is a refusal to take any responsibility for her actions and is tantamount to catching a child doing something wrong and asking why and they respond: "I don't know it just happened". Counseling is a must to understand why she choose to do such a horrible thing to you. Sweeping it under the rug will not eliminate the problem and will almost guarantee that this it will occur again. I wish you luck.

I hope I can jump in here. Your post made me want to share something with you that is true. It isn't advice, only what happened. I know 2 couples whose spouse cheated on them before during and after the wedding. In one case, the couple lived together and he had a 4 month A 2 months before the wedding, said "I do" went on the honeymoon and returned to continue his affair for another 2 months. In the second case, it was the woman who basically did the EXACT same thing. They were in their late teens and the first couple had about 10 years on them. But here is what happened. The first couple have been married 10 years, have 2 kids and by all appearances are doing well. The wife is a good friend and she has been there for me during my hardship with my H A. After this incident, after they healed all has been well for 10 years.

The second couple, much younger when they married, have 3 kids. The wife (who cheated) is one of my dearest friends. After the A during the wedding, she went on to have another sexual and an emotional affair in their 12 years of marriage. He has had one affair after her 3. They are hanging on by the skin of their teeth and never really have been very happy. I don't know if they will stand the test of time.

My point is, one couple is doing great, the other, not so good. I don't think because your wife cheated on you so early in the marriage that that is a death sentence to your marriage. I also don't think age so much as maturnity as indicated earlier, is the main issue.

I think you marriage may be worth saving if you both want it. Does she want it? Has she done all the right things to prove she wants it? Did she end the A? Is she being totally open and honest with you? Is she willing to do counseling? Does she want this marriage? Then you decide if she and only 4 months of marriage is worth all the effort.


I've been married 7 1/2 years and have 2 small kids. Without the kids, I probably would have walked even after 7 years! But it is a decision only you can make.

Good luck.
2

Hi,

I am very sorry about the fact that you had to come here looking for support but I have to say that you came to the right place. Here you will find people who, like you, were put in one of the most painful situations one can endure without asking for it. I was in your shoes exactly two years ago. I am also young; I am 26 and my wife is 23. We rushed into marriage too and she cheated on me not once but twice very early in the relationship with two different men; 9 months after getting married with the first one and 1 year 2 months with the second one. After I found out I cheated on her too, not once but three times. Long story short, two years later we are still together trying to rebuild our relationship after those devastating moments. As you can see our stories are similar. When I found out I asked myself a thousand times the question of staying with her or not. We deciced we loved each other and said - lets start rebuilding. These two years have been painful and we both have questioned if it is worth to continue married considering all the things we’ve gone through and the fact that we are young. She and I know that if we end the relationship, we will find someone else. Better? We do not know. We also know that we are in a time of transition. We are at the beginning of our careers, finding ourselves and what we want from life. The A’s definitively changed our relationship forever. Even though we are together and enjoy spending time together, a gray cloud always appears as a reminder of what happened. After two years, I still ask myself if I should be here dealing with this pain at such young age. The pain has decreased, true. But the A’s and age always come up whenever we question our relationship. Why do I, we, question the relationship so much? Again: A’s, we are young and in a period transitions and instability because we are finding ourselves and what we want from life. I cannot make the decision for you. You and only you is the one who can decide if it is worth staying or not. The only advice I can give you, and I think it is the point I wanted to make by sharing my story with you, is that if you decide to rebuild you have to consider the fact that you and your wife are young and that it might become an obstacle for rebuilding your relationship. If you decide to rebuild make a plan about how to deal with that so it won’t affect your process. It is sad to say and I might be mistaken but I have the impression that most young MBers I’ve seen posting here have divorced (Please correct me if I’m wrong old timers). Another advice I can give you is not to make a decision yet. Go to MC and try to figure out with her why she did it. It will help you and her to heal the wounds. In my wife’s case the fact that she got married young was among the factors that motivated to take that decision. It might the case for your wife too. If after you have a clearer picture of why it happened, you still feel you should pursue your life without her, go for it. Either way you go, you have to be patient; it is a long and painful journey. The good news is that when you are passed the ordeal you will find yourself a better and more mature person.

Janei

That's not to good a news, I was planning on staying young and immature for life. J/K.

Thank you guys for your advice and sharing your stories.

Last night she actually left to go stay with this OM for the week. She is totally in the fog. I talked to one of her good friends as part of my ongoing, tedious yet slightly fulfilling plan A. She reassured what I was thinking. Becuase she knows my W she told me about before we met. How she had horrible taste in guys before me and how just a few months ago she was still in love with me and couldn't think of being apart.

Now she can't wait to get away. If you have ever seen someone on drugs trying to leave to get their drugs that is what it looked like last night. I asked to have a small meal before she left and she got really upset like I was holding her up. She lied and said she was going to a friends house, which is good I think, or maybe not. I don't know but it was like she was high with the idea of leaving.

Her actions are so out of character. Trust me I have been with a few crazies and I would not put myself through this for someone not worthy. She is acting TOTALLY different than a few months ago.

Right now I am incorporating plan A but with her current lie I am thinking of moving to plan B. I have been in plan A for about 2 weeks now with a relapse this past saturday night (a rather ugly questioning on a car ride home from a friends birthday party). That probably cost me.

Suppose I should give plan A more than the week after she gets back that I was planning. Any suggestions.

Hello again,

Plan A will not be successful as long as she is in contact and having sex with the OM. Plan B is a must and should remain in effect until she cuts all ties to the OM. What her friend said to you about her choice of men speaks volumes. Please protect yourself legally and financially.
I wish you luck.

I am feeling that the LB saturday night was a catalyst for this. But I am torn between starting plan B and continuing plan A. I would have to ask her to leave and could not actually kick her out because she is on the lease. Then I would have to assume the rent or let her come and go as she pleases because she pays half. Also I am thinking of taking her off the insurance policy which is mine. I am also seriously thinking about calling their bosses and seeing what that does. If they can perhaps reassign or even fire one of them.

I am all but shure that plan A is not working but plan B is going to be much easier said then done. How should I handle it?

Time to Plan B. Don't have any advice as I never had to. But what motivation does she have to end the A if you are letting her do what she wants?

I'd let her no to end A. If she doesn't tell her you will call their boss...then do. Take her off anything you can and let her know. She needs to see consquences for her actions.

I'm sorry for you. Good luck.
2

Well I typed this once but it got erased by the computer gremlins.

Any a long story short. I tried plan A but she continued to lie and see the om. She told me one monday she needed to get away for a week to get some space and figure herself out. She said she was staying with a female coworker. I told ther that if she was to get away she needed to get away from both of us. She said she knows. I however knew she was going to stay with him because I listen to the advice on here. She of course was.

I continued plan Aing and began exposure. I told her friends and was going to tell her job to see if they could separate the 2. She got wind of this and called upset. She said no we are going to get fired. Then she said they were going to be together and we were not.

From that point after a few tears and a bunch of cigarettes I began with plan B as it was clear that her feelings were to strong to compete as in plan A.

I called her the next morning and told her that I would be bringing her stuff to her office. She cried as she packed it away. (By the way he did not even come out to help her despite the size of the boxes, what a guy). She called later that day and cried about how she never meant to hurt me and was still confused, basic WS Bull crap. I told her I would not be talking with her until their relationship was over.

I did that until yesterday. She called at 7 in the morning. I had just had a nightmare so I gave in. We talked and it was semi productive but pretty much was more WS pyscho babble. I told her I wwas consulting with a lawyer today. She asked if I would call her and I said no but she could call me.

I plan to actually meet her today to give her my official plan B letter. I can let you all read that if you wish.

Right now I need some support on the next steps. i have been bettering myself by working out and writing.

(Foxr thanks. I used your letter as a template. I hope that it is not copyrighted. )

What do you guys think. I could use a good word or 2 and maybe a 2 x 4 here and there.

Thanks again for all the help and support that you give to everyone here.

Justme581

Kinda young? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />
That line is such a cop-out.
I suggest if you are 21 AND are mature enough, then you are not too young.

I'd say if you have only been married one month and he has already had an affair, you need to take a long, hard look at what you want/expect from this marriage and decide if it is something you will be able to get .