I just found out about my wife's affair two days ago. We have talked openly about it, and I know she has felt unloved and gets some of her emotional needs met by this other man. She says she still loves me and I believe there is hope for us. She says she is very confused but I know she feels she is in love with this other man --- she has said so. I have gotten her to agree to go to one counseling session with me but she tells me she cannot break it off with him. I told her that I don't feel counseling can work unless she is willing to stop her relationship. She will not right now. My hope is that it will fade, but they work together. We have two kids ages five and three. Her lover is a co-worker that she works with in stressful situations (courtroom). He is also married and his wife knows. He has told my wife that he will leave his wife for her but hasn't yet. Everything is up in the air. My questions are these:

1) Is this marriage save-able and if so, how?
2) How should I behave? Should I kill her with kindness as one friend has suggested?
3) SHould I leave the house for a while to give her space to figure things out? Is my presence a drawback? Should I stay at the house to help with the kids but leave her alone?I guess what I'm saying is, should I try to get close to her or is is too soon? It's so hard because I know she is hurting and I want to help her, but I worry I will only suffocate her.

Help in Louisville

First of all, I want to tell you that I feel for you. I remember the shock and pain of those first few days and know you must be going through hell.

Some assumptions that you need to realize and that are a given until proven otherwise:

1) Your WW is capable and willing to lie to you about ANYTHING right now to preserve her affair.

2) She does not realize how much pain you are in right now, nor is she capable of realizing it.

3) She will be looking for ways to justify her affair, to protect herself from taking responsibility and from feeling the guilt for doing something so awful. It's much more palatable to her to feel like you "drove her" to the affair.

4) She is in "selfish-mode"...and the number one priority to her right now is how things affect her (not you).

These are the first few things I would do:

1) Take a deep breath. Repeat as often as necessary.

2) Find a way to contact the OM's wife. You don't really know if she knows (see assumption #1)..and of course even if she does, you don't know the story OM told her. Compare notes with her and see if the stories match up? It would probably be very informative and helpful to hear what the OM says about the affair.

3) Try your best not to yell at your WW or disrespect her, call her names, etc. It's tough to do after how she disrespected you, but see assumption #3 and realize that if given the opportunity, she will use anything you do or say to blame you for her past, present, or future actions. Try not to give her that opportunity.

4) Get her into MC and talk about NC there -- any good MC should recognize the necessity of NC and will tell her that it has to happen in order to try and fix the M. This will be much less threatening to WW coming from an objective 3rd party than from you -- she'll only see your "demand" of NC as an attempt to control her and as an example of what's wrong in your M (again, see assumption #3).

5) Stay at home for as long as you can take it. If you move out, she'll be able to freely carry on her A and you won't be able to show her what she'll be missing if you do end up separated. And you have kids to help take care of -- even in this situation, don't forget that responsibility.

6) Try to keep R talk to a minimum at home -- save it for MC or only when she initiates it. This may be the toughest thing to do, since I'm sure it's the only thing on your mind right now and if you had your way, that's the only thing you and her would be talking about.

Good luck....and I'm sorry to have to welcome you into the BS Club <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

squiggle

JG, Welcome to MB

Absolutely do NOT leave the house.

Read the basic concepts section on this website.

Read about Plan A also in BAsic Concepts. It's the "killing them with kindness" only MB concept. Get Surviving An Affair from the bookstore here - they ship faster than Amazon.

Steve Harley will counsel with you and your wife, even if your wife is unwilling at this time to not give up OM.

Others will stop in with their thoughts, sit tight!

Thanks squiggle --- this is very helpful. You're right ---- the hardest thing to do is to avoid relationship talk. It's all I think about. I plan on having one final conversation with her about it (outside of MC) and then leaving it up to her. She needs to do some thinking too. I want her to know that I love her, am not going anywhere, and will do whatever is in my power to save our M. After that, I will do my damndest not to discuss it. She can come to me or talk in counseling. Around the house, I will try to keep my head up, stay healthy, and be as positive as I can. Which ain't easy. Thanks again.

jg, the others gave you great advice. In addition to speaking to the OMW ASAP, you should also expose this affair to close family, friends and perhaps their boss [es]. Do this all in one fell swoop in one day to maximize the shock factor. Exposure is the single greatest weapon you have against this affair.

While there are no guarantees, exposure often immediately ends the affair or hastens it end. This is because an affair survives on secrecy and cannot survive in the light of day. It is a powerful fantasy that cannot survive when the affairees are forced to explain their sleazy behavior and see it through the eyes of others. It causes great conflict in the affair. It is the most powerful tool you have at your disposal.

When you call people to inform them of the affair, you tell them that your marriage is in trouble and you are trying to save it. You hope for their moral support and prayers.

Like the others pointed out, you should not consider moving out of your house. If your wife needs "space" tell her to go into the bathroom and shut the door. There should be plenty of "space" in there.

How do you know the OMs wife knows?

I read an e-mail from my wife to a friend saying that OM's wife was bad-mouthing my wife to everyone. And my wife told me --- not that it holds any water. I may call OMW anyway.

Yes, please do call her. Just make sure she knows all about the affair and see if she will work together with you to help end the affair. It would be helpful if she would come here and we could help her.