I feel I cannot compete with the excitement she had with an affair!

How do you make someone who had an affair feel special?

Should I even try?

Honestly, I tried and tried to compete with OW.

At the same time...she was competing with me.

Everytime, I tried to compare myself to OW, I only made her look more desirable in my WH eyes.
The minute I stopped, looked at myself in the mirror and said "i am worth more than this"...my WH started thinking differently.

So you need to build your confidence. You are special. You are worth it. What you have to offer, more than likely is more exciting than an affair every could be. You need to see that.

Another thing I have learned is...it's better to have tried than not at all and regretted not trying.

Follow your heart.
Keep us posted,

Thanks, angel your comments really help a very sad heart.

Yes, you can compete. Because you are competing with a FANTASY. A fantasy that eventually blows away. You are competing with a person who lies and cheats; once the "flash" wears off [and it always does] the man with real character is left standing.

This is why 95% of affairs fizzle out and the vast majority of marriages survive affairs. Most folks won't choose fool's gold over real gold even though the former is much shinier.

Hi HLR,

I'm a FWW as well as a FBW....

I'm going to go out on a limb here, and say that it wasn't really a 'competition' in my eyes. I fell in love with my exH for who he was - when he was a strong, well developed, self confident, and healthier man.

The OM? Well, he "appeared" strong, self confident, and healthier. But he really wasn't. And when push came to shove, I knew that I didn't want to be with OM.

So it wasn't that I really wanted my exH to become OM...or compete....but rather, that I missed the man I married. I wanted my exH to find himself, and his own happiness and love for life again. After all, I did marry him for a reason!

I don't know if this makes any sense........ <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Wow,

Now I feel even worse having failed at winning my wife back. She chose the liar and cheat over me <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

I guess she will learn.

But it still hurts.

Back to your regularly scheduled thread...

T

I understand, confusedxH.

My FWW chose lying dirt bag OM over me consistently for 10 years and through several false recoveries.

He's a rich, steely-eyed, handsome, ex fighter pilot, test pilot, with lots of expensive toys and hobbies to wow FWW with and a much younger SAHW catering to his every EN. Yet he has a long history of multiple simultaneous As.

FWW only came back after OM unceremoniously dumped her when I confronted him after the most receint D-Day. He told me he always made it clear to her he would never leave his W for her. Yet nothing made any difference to W. She hung on and on. She was even trying to ingratiating herself with his young daughters.

She tries to explain it all differently, but I ain't stupid.

Er, well, maybe I am.

"She chose the liar and cheat over me."

Perhaps you should count yourself lucky.

You could be me.

Her loss!

Everyone loses.

W loses me <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

YD loses daily access to dad.
Dad loses daily access to YD.
YD learns there are no consequences to having an affair and divorce.
XW loses some access to YD.
XW loses access to 80% of my income <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Everyone loses, not just XW.

T

Thanks everyone, it’s just its hard when your confidence is shaken so badly.

H,

You are not competing with the OW. You are showing your FWW the M she fell in love with, and married.

Sorry, I'm going to be another 'downer.'

My WH left our family almost six months ago. His affair partner is six years older than I am, less attractive, less educated, married, and she abandoned her own child and husband to have serial affairs. What does it say about me that he has chosen her over me and our family? How can I 'compete' with that?

Of course, now that I am in Plan B, it is just the memories of me (if WH lets himself have any good memories) competing with his MOW.

If your WW is at least receptive, you probably have a much better chance at working things out.

Thanks all, but I crashed last night and made thing worse...See my new post on:

I need Help! Plan A set back

I NEVER saw myself competing with the OW. Can't compete with someone that isn't even near your class.

Here is how I see it.

At some point the A becomes somewhat of an addiction. Let's go from there.

A relationship between a drug user and the drug.

1. Drug user tries the drug.
2. Gets hooked on the drug.
3. Will do anything for and to get the drug.
4. Drug is destructive to user but user ignores destruction.
5. Drug destroys user physically...user ignores it.
6. User refuses help. Is convinced that help is not needed.
7. Users life revolves around drug.

It's not a competition. You can't compete with an addiction.

The WS DOES NOT choose the person. They choose the ADDICTION.

Says nothing about the OM/OW...or the BS.

It's all about the WS.

That’s an interesting analogy, but that means she needs a substitute for that drug, which by all rights should be me, but he remind her of love I remind her of things that need to get done… I’m not an escape from the daily grind and stress…and that’s what I mean how do I replace those feelings she had with ones from me?

You can't substitute one addiction for another. That would be even more destructive.

Sounds to me like the problem is more with your WW than with you. You are just taking on her problem.

This topic was originally started in Emotional Needs and Suggested that it be created in General Questions II but the replies continued so I posted a comment that all future replies come here. Sorry for the confusion.

I had nothing real to compete with just fantasy. OM was 15 yers older tham me, almost a foot shorter, a three times divorced serial womaniser who hadn't worked in fifteen years to avoid CS payments.

Man just by BREATHING I was doing a whole lot better than him just by changing a light bulb without a step ladder !

WS said through out the entire affair “I was still in love with you.” WS said she and OM would talk about how this would affect their marriages and not wanting to hurt their spouses. WS said “I Love you and know I always will be, whether we are together or apart; I just didn’t want to hurt you.”
She claims there relationship just grew to this level saying I can’t explain it anymore than I can explain why you like someone; the first night we had the right amount of alcohol and it just happen, but when I asked why it continued WS said “I don’t know…and would tell me when she figures out the answer to that one.”
My concern is that WS had a secrete life I knew nothing about! I feel I cannot compete with the excitement she had with an affair!

I know she loves me, but …
I would like us to have the excitement she had with her affair, planning secret sex rendezvous.
Am I wrong but I envision the affair to not only satisfy lacking emotional needs but they only see each other under ideal circumstances:
Dressed the best, smell the best, they don’t see each other when you wake up in the morning, and they don’t see each other when you have household and other un-sexy chores.

Because they don’t see each other all of the time they want the feel good they have when they are together.

Sex is WOW
First touch, kiss sends those very special tingles, where my touch is very familiar doesn’t have the electricity that someone new has.
Making love, yes I bet the first time was awkward, but those occasions after that where you planed you secret sex rendezvous, I bet you where day dreaming about him all day.

HOW CAN I NOT BE JELLIOUS!


I want the affair too but I want it with my wife!