I got divorce in February 2005. I was with my ex-husband for a total of 7 years and we were married for almost 3. While we were dating, my ex cheated on me and had a baby by another girl. We parted for a year and then fournd our way back to each other. Shortly after that we got married and I was the happiest I could ever be. My ex had changed completely. He was very faithful and committed to our marriage. After 2 years of our marriage, I started feeling as though I wasn't happy. I started feeling as if I was missing out on something so I started going out and eventually I had an affair. My ex-husband found out and divorced me right away. At that time, I didn't realize what I had and it wasn't until he was gone when I realized that I wasn't missing out on life and that I really did have a great husband. I love my ex-husband very much and would like to reconcile with him. Through all of this I have learned a valuable lesson and if he would just give me another chance, that would never happen again. Do you think it is possible to get him back in my life? I've tried talking, emailing, calling and nothing. He always thought that I was so perfect and I think that is what is hurting him the most. I tried to explain that nobody is perfect and that people fall at different points in their lives. I also told him that I would like to grow stronger from this situation, but he just doesn't think so. I would appreciate any advice anyone can give me about saving my marriage.

Unless he is amenable to communicating with you, there isn't much hope.

Reconciling requires two parties and if he wants no part of it...you'll have to let him go, I am sorry to say.

I am curious, why would you have an A, especially knowing the real PAIN caused when your (loving?) spouse cheats on you?

I have read about this a lot and, having been a Betrayer first, THEN a Betrayed, I could NEVER visit that pain on another person...now that i have "walked in the betrayed moccasins".

If he never talks to you...LEARN something from all of that drama...it will have all been for naught if the lesson is lost.

Best wishes,

WNB

ACtually, that posted here for quite awhile. She had a 4 year affair, drove her H off, and got divorced. At the point the divorce became official she realized what she had done, and spent 1.5 years working a modified plan A to get him back.

She was successful. I am having a senior moment right now, but I think her posting name was "hopeful_person" perhaps someone can help me out. She posted in the recovery section for quite awhile. It took a lot of patience on her part, but eventually her H came around.

I think you need to realize how hurt your H is right now. Further, given that he changed so much and it still was NOT good enough for you to stay with him, I would strongly suspect he fears there is nothing he could do to prevent being betrayed again by you.

What most WS's don't seem to realize although you should given your situation is the damage done to the BS's sense of self. Right now he probably still loves you, but he fears that there is no way he is good enough to keep you. Otherwise why would you have strayed?

So first you need to truely understand why you made the choices you did, and why you did NOT let your H help you while you were in the decision phase of this. Once you understand this, you can then develop a plan to avoid this type of decision making. As he sees you working on this, and realizes it is YOUR job to protect the marriage from YOUR affair, he may change his mind.

This will take a long time to accomplish but if you are very serious about this, it can be done.

I hope you can find the person I mentioned, and I hope you will read the articles around here. They will help you alot.

God Bless,

JL

JaclynT,

JL gave you great advice and he is right about the poster's name being Hopeful_Person. In her situation, she was very desperate to reconcile with her XH that sometimes she came on too needy and he would recoil in response. We told her to stop this for it would only make her X feel pressured and refuse further contact with her. We also told her to just enjoy herself spending time with her X so that new memories would start to crowd out the bad ones. She did this and 2 years later they got remarried. Why not try it?

TMCM

When my H cheated on me and had a baby by another girl, I was devastated. I remember how hurt and depressed that I was. Honestly, my reason for the A was because of a lack of affection and attention. Before anything happened, I tried to communicate with my H. My H's way of showing his love for me was by providing for me rather than be there for me emotionally. He was affectionate to a point, but I felt as though I wanted him to be more. I tried talking to him about this but he found it petty and stupid and I think that because of that and the person that I had an A with was there at the right time, I allowed it to happen. It wasn't until after the fact that I realized that my husband gave me just what I needed. I've met men since that have been so affectionate and I really don't like it. I guess you got to be careful what you ask for.

Thanks for all of the great advice. I'm willing to do anything that I can to get my XH back. He is very hurt with me and I know that it will take time. This weekend I saw him with another girl and my heart just sank. This weekend his grandpa also died. I sent his family a card and I sent him one as well. It was nice this morning because I checked my email and had an email from him just saying thank you for the card. I honestly think that he truly believes things are over between us and that there is no hope because of all the pain that I caused him and his family. My my heart tells me that he does still love me and if I show him that I truly do love him too and prove that too him, he will see that. I just hope that it isn't wishful thinking on my part.

JaclynT,

Just a thought for you. You said
Yes it will take time and he is very hurt. But don't say "I'm willing to do anything that I can to get me xH back." Because what it means that while you are "willing" you are "unwilling" to take corrective actions on your own to make yourself someone he could trust.

As you are finding out, this is not about love (you feel he loves you), but he cannot trust you, thus he cannot afford to allow himself to love you. What are YOUR plans to show that: you understand his pain, you understand why and where your thinking was faulty, what you have done to insure you will NEVER think and act that way again, etc

Do you see my point? You need a plan for YOURSELF to address the issues at hand. You stated that you were not getting your needs met, is that going to change if he were back in your life? If so how, and how are you going to handle it if they are not? Another affair, divorce, just suck it up,... what is your plan?

Focus on you and addressing your thinking and your understanding of yourself. It is very possible he is NOT the right guy for you, and although you handled it poorly, you should move on. BUT, that decision should be made after some very deep introspection.

Part of that introspection might well be counseling with a very good counselor, someone that can help you see things you are not seeing, but someone who is promarriage.

THEN, when and if you run into your exH, you can tell him what you have DONE to address YOUR issues, and how that has change your perspective, you attitude, your thinking, and mostly your actions and reactions now and for the future.

Only then can you discuss what he might require. Because frankly until you understand yourself, you might find yourself doing somethign for him, that harm you and your spirit and have the effect of YOU wanting to end the relationship. You see YOU must have boundaries as well as he has, and that comes from understanding yourself.

Please think about this.

God Bless,

JL

I'm looking for the articles posted by Hopeful_Person and can't seem to find any. Can anyone help me find these postings?

JaclynT,

Here is a bookmark for one of her more recent posts hopeful_person

I used the search function but notice no cap letters. I asked to search ALL forums and set the span of time as 3 years back to now. I think that will get it for you. I found 250 posts. In think you can now also click on her name and then previous posts and get them all from the one I gave you.

Good Luck,

JL

About a month ago I started working on a plan to get my XH back. I’ll explain the different approaches I took in just a minute. First I would like to say that just like hopeful_person, I too am responsible for continuing the A after my husband found out about it. I let the A go on for about 3 months. I was at a point in my life were I was being selfish, very curious and thrived a lot on attention that I felt I wasn’t getting from my XH. Finally after 3 months, I realized were my heart really belonged and since then, I have been trying all I can to get my XH back. My first approach to trying to get my XH back was by practically begging him to please try and work things out with me. I started sending him articles that I found online about infidelity and how many marriages have survived infidelity and actually became stronger from the experience. I would text him and tell him to please talk to me… None of that was working. He wouldn’t respond to me at all. Finally I sent him a final email saying that I would just give him his space and time. Below is the email that I sent, does this seem like a better approach? Is there something I could do better?

XH,
I know that lately I have really been pushing hard for you to talk to me. I understand that this is a difficult time for you as well and understand that you may feel like you really do hate me and never want to speak to me ever again and maybe that is why you don't call. You know Kev, I'm willing to try anything to get you back in my life. Lately, I keep asking to please call, to please not hate me, to please forgive me, to please talk to me, ... It's obviously not working so I'm going to try something else, something that may be very hard for me to do, but am willing to do it because I really truly do love you. I've decided that rather that constantly beg and plead for your forgiveness, maybe it would help if I just tried to respect your feelings more and just take a step back and give you your time to evaluate and deal with things. This is very difficult for me to do because inside, I'm not sure if I believe this will work just because its so much easier to forget and move on if you don't see or talk to the other person at all and this is not what I want. I want to put myself out there for you and show you that I really do love you Kev. Because this is so very hard for me to do and because its something I haven't yet tried, I'm going to try it. In the mean time, I don't want you to leave or move on without knowing something-I love you Kev and I'm going to be hear waiting for you if and when you find your way back. Please find your way back to me.

Well Kev, I'm really not a bad person, just not all that perfect, but then again, nobody is, everybody makes mistakes, but I will try for you. I love you and miss you more than you could ever know. Can you please let me know something?

Since then, I have not heard much from him. I saw him at the bar a couple weeks ago with another girl. He was all over this girl because he wanted to show me how it felt for him. I don’t blame him, but do you think because he is with another girl he is through with me?

Last week his grandfather died and I sent him and his family a card. Honestly, I didn’t think that I would hear anything from him, but to my surprise I had an email that said “thank you”. Does that count for any positive progress because he never responds to me? I don’t know if it does because the night before he sent me that email, I saw him with another girl. I know he is still really hurt with me and is just doing this out of anger.

I hope that the email that I pasted here is somewhat on the right track because I don’t know what else to do.

About not getting my needs met, it crazy how you realize things when it may be too late. I felt as though I wasn’t getting my needs met, but when I didn’t have my H and thought I was getting my needs meant elsewhere, it wasn’t what I wanted. I realize that my needs were being met and I just took it for granted.

I read some of the posts by hopeful_person and wanted to know what she meant by Plan A and would that maybe help me in my situation?

I was once a wife in your shoes. I did not gain or will not ever gain my h back. We are now divorced.

Your email begged and pleaded, and said that "Everybody makes mistakes". He is likely to resent this comment from you. As my xh said, this is more than just a mistake. It was much more than just a mistake, tell him point blank that you are sorry. You sending him articles will make him think that you are trying to manipulate him into coming back to you. He may never come back to you, but he needs to see you strong. He doesn't need to see you being needy and begging him to come back. This also gives him the upper hand to keep hurting you.

Do as you said, leave him alone, get stronger, don't tell him that you are better let him SEE it. Take all this time to work on you, figure out why you did what you did without placing any blame on him. You had a choice, and so did I, and we both made the wrong decisions. We could have stayed faithful and that is NOT their faults. Regardless of how we were being hurt by them, we had no right to hurt them this way. When and if you can come to this full conclusion, work on you, take full responsibility, then he may see the real you coming back and then it's his decision to take the time to trust or not.

If your h cannot ever come to peace with this and want to go through the fight that it would be to try to get a marriage going again, working on you will help you to be a better spouse for someone in the future. Just learn from your mistakes, learn for YOU, even if reconciliation is not in the works.

This quote just may be your problem. You betrayed your husband and you approach an attempt at reconciliation with this statement? Think about it from his point of view. Maybe "I'm not perfect and everybody falls" just isn't going to cut it with him. How about a different approach? Show him that you've already grown. Explain to him that you understand how wrong you were and how badly you hurt him. He has to know that you now understand that there was no excuse for your cheating on him. Do it from the heart and really mean it. It may work and it may not. Some people never forgive a wayward spouse, and even if they do, it takes a lot of time and considerable amount of effort on the part of the wayward spouse to rebuild the trust that was lost. If reconciliation is possible, it probably won't be a case of "oh, yeah, I forgive you. Please come home dear."

JaclynT,

I would like to offer you some advice by using your email to your xH and show you some of the things I think are flaws in your approach. I don't know if I am right but I do hope I can get you to start to think a bit differently about this OK?

You said in the email:
Pushing him is NOT going to work. He is very likely resentful that you had your way in the marriage (the affair and all) and has decided that now that you are divorced you are NOT going to push him any further. Do you see what I am saying? You need to read about Plan A and start to do it whenever you see him or interact with him. One of the reasons that Plan A is not a strategy for a successful marriage although many new posters think so is that your "taker" is completely out of the picture in plan A and doing that for a long time will cause the "taker" to overwhelm the "giver" portion of you. They must be a balance in a good relationship. So do some reading on this concept and I think you will see that "pushing" him is not the way. What you need to do is "encourage" him and that is far different.




I realize you are trying to be empathetic here, but what you are really doing is called a disrespectful judgement, DJ. IT is the most deadly of the love busters. Please read about them in the articles on love busters here. You don't KNOW what he is thinking, you don't KNOW what he is feeling, and you sure don't KNOW he hates you. It may be that he does not call you because he LOVES you so much and it hurts too much to be in contact with you right now. You don't know. So don't make statements like that and worse don't act on these assumptions (DJ's) they will get you into trouble.

When you see or communicate with him next, simply ask him how he is doing. Listen to the answer. Ask him something else...listen to the answer. Gradually you will learn what there is to KNOW. Don't assume it. Further, it makes people mad when others ASSUME they know how they feel. Frankly, you have no idea how he feels about your affair, the divorce or you. You learn it by listening, talking when you can and asking questions. But, you also learn by observing. It is a bad mistake to think you KNOW how someone thinks or is thinking about something that is very painful.




Don't you find this statement interesting? I do. You say you are willing to do anything, but all you are doing is asking for HIM to do something about this. You are not taking any actions you are simply demanding that somehow he fix it. Read your words carefully for within them is the seed of your problems (it is all about you) and your chance to recover (it ceases to be all about you).



Basically these are good ideas but it sure seems like you are trying to control him, and if one way doesn't work, then perhaps giving you the illusion that I am not controlling will work? Does this make sense to you? Do you see why he is not responding? It is sort of like the "have you quit beating your wife?" question... Yes or no are bad answers. If you have a plan to rebuild keep it to yourself, but most of all quit pushing the man.


In another words you are not really serious and you are not going to risk much but you want him to take the risk on you. You sent the wrong message here although at the end you say "this is not what I want". It is an ultimatum for him to shape up or you are gone forever. Guess how he responds to that??? Not well right? It is still all about you and the recovery needs to be about you changing your perspective, your boundaries, your determination and how you treat him. However, his actions should NOT be all about you, and I think he is showing you that it is NOT all about you.


If that is what you want to do, then do it? Don't tell him you are, do it. You are still implying that if you do this he OWES you something, and I think you know how he will feel about the concept that he OWES you anything right now.


Why don't you just tell him you are sorry and that you love him, and further this has caused you to really reevaluate yourself, your actions, your morals, and your goals for future relationships. It might make him think you are considering changing from what you were to what you should be.


He is telling you by his absence that the woman you are right now is not a woman he can trust to protect him, your marriage, or yourself. And "I'm not a really bad person" is saying that you don't think this is that serious and he should overlook it and get on with his JOB...loving you.

Do you see this email as being all about you? I sure do, and that is why I think you are getting the response you have. Let's think about this for a moment. He has been cheated on, he is deeply hurt by your decisions, lies, betrayal. Yet he loves you. What in this email would indicate to him that ANYTHING has changed? You told him you loved him before the affair. You vowed to be true at your wedding. What have you said or done that has changed since the divorce? You need to step back and look inward for a bit, and then do something very hard, take his place and look outward at yourself from his eyes and see what you see.

THEN, you can start to make plans for possibly getting back together.

I do hope this has been of help and has got you thinking. That was the reason I used your email to him, to get you thinking.

God Bless,

JL

Thanks for the advice. I really appreciate all of your suggestions and find them very helpful for me as I move to my next step to hopefully reconciling with my XH.

I read up on Plan A and am still trying to see how I am going to implement it because my XH and I don’t talk or see each other at all. He changed his phone number so the only way I could communicate with him is through email. Also, on August 11th we are going to court to resolve some issues pertaining to our home and some belongings that were taken from me. I think that if things are bad right now, when we go to court there just going to get worse. My XH is very set in his ways and it is very hard to try and convince him otherwise, so this is going to be a challenge. Since the last letter, I have basically just left him alone and started focusing on myself. I have started hanging out with friends, training for a half marathon, working and just doing stuff on my own. This is very hard for me, but I am doing okay. I still want to try everything that I can to reconcile with him. I’m going to try to focus more on being the “giver” and try to understand what he needs and give him that without pushing him. I just don’t know how to show him this through email without saying the wrong things.

You’re right about me thinking that I know how he is feeling. I couldn’t possible know what he is feeling because he has never had an affair on me. How would you suggest that I be more empathetic towards him? I’m not a very good writer and it’s really hard for me to express myself to him through email.
Without letting him know that I am willing to do anything for him and demanding him to fix it, how would you suggest that I approach him on my next letter in order to focus more on him rather than myself and not sound so controlling in the process. I really need your help and would appreciate anything you have to offer me.
How do I let him know that I really am serious in mending our relationship without coming off like I am giving him an ultimatum? I’m feeling really down right now and really don’t know what else to say to him without him taking it wrong or without me saying it the wrong way. I want to show him that it’s not all about me. I also want to show him how I have reevaluated myself, my actions, my morals, and my goals for future relationships. How do I do this? After the A, I have really did some soul searching and really have become and better person from this, not to mention I have learned a lot that will definitely help me next time around but I don’t know how to show him that if we have not contact.

JaclynT,

YOu asked a few more questions. THought I would try to answer a few of them. You asked When you do get the chance to see him or communicate with him, you plan A.


You listen to him when he will talk with you. Right now he is running from this, perhaps he will turn around and perhaps he won't. It is not for you or I to decide. But, when you do see him, ask him how he is doing. You talk quietly to him, but mostly you listen to him. Eventually, there will be an opportunity.


Really focus on the love busters. I would like to suggest that you read that section again. They can be very subtle. Your words have great power so choose them carefully.


If you decide to write, make the letter "newsy" what is going on at your job, with your family, anyone you have seen that he knows. What you want now is to open lines of communications, only after that is done can you address the serious stuff. If he is ever going to come back he has to become comfortable with you. I am guessing that he won't turn back toward you for about a year. It usually takes about a year to recover from a death, trauma of all sorts, big changes in life, so plan on that time period.


You do it by your actions. I am sure you have friends in common and you lead your life so that everytime he hears about you, he hears you asked after him, wishes him well, but mostly you lead your life consistent with your new understanding of things. Actions, care, kindness, and above all patience are the key words here.