I have been struggling with this question. They live half way across the country and I only met her once during the time her husband worked as COO of the same company as my wife. My WS believes that if she found out she would ruin both of their careers, so I agreed to keep my mouth shut… but is it fair to the other FS?

IMHO, no. If you know, you should tell her. I don't recall...has your wife ended the affair? It could be that she's simply saying that to allow the affair to continue.

The primary reason that your wife doesn't want the other spouse to know is not her career (though she may rationalize it in that way)....it is because it will destroy the fantasy and end the affair. THAT is one reason exposure is so powerful...because affairs thrive on SECRECY. Without secrecy, the biochemistry is not nearly as addictive. When Helen Fisher did her research on the biochemistry of love....one of the big discoveries is that secrecy and taboo fuel the addictive nature of new and forbidden love. Your ability to save your marriage will only be HELPED when secrecy is destroyed....and the other spouse also has the information to fight for their marriage as well as you do. Aside from this....you are assuming that your wife is his only conquest....chances are....she isn't. The other spouse's health, as well as your wife's and your's are at risk. She has a right to know that and protect herself as well as her marriage. Don't delay this step any further. It will be hard. It may even be humiliating...but it is ethical as well as necessary.

(((((((((((((((((HL)))))))))))))))))))))

How would you feel if she found out and neglected to tell you? Angry, I imagine. She has a right to know.

If their careers were so important, then why didn't they think of that before starting all this foolishness. You lay down with dogs, you get up with fleas. I agree with starfish, it's a ploy to keep up the fantasy.

Telling the other spouse would ruin the AFFAIR or any possibility for resumption, and your wife does not want that to happen.

H,

Are you my H's OW'sH?

Seriously, this is almost EXACTLY what my H's OW told her H when he found out first (before I did)...that, if he called me to expose, it would 'hurt' me.

So, her poor, doofy H kept quiet, and a few more months went by - the A in full swing - even tho' she TOLD her H it was OVER - until I found out on my own.

Tell this BW. Tell her now. I bet a big lobster dinner the A is still going on.

So sorry.

HLR,

OK, I am the faithful spouse. Geeze and OM, after a year of EA in the chat room and phone, made it a PA about November of 2002. (He flew here and they met at a Best Western by the airport)

OM's wife had a gut feeling something was wrong, investigated and busted them a couple months after. She called Geeze, and REAMED HER OUT! Geeze was sooo sorry, and cried and said she would not see OM again. OM's wife threatened to call me and spill. Geeze begged her not to tell and OM then pleaded with her not to tell, promising on his mother's eyes the A was over. So finally she agreed not to call me. DAMN!!

They cooled it for a month and then, their passion knowing no bounds, started it up again.

THIS WENT ON FOR ANOTHER YEAR AND A HALF!!! A year and 1/2 of monthly all day sexual holidays at the motel 6!! And me sooo clueless!! (my gut must be too big for the gut feeling to be effective)

Needless to say I so wish she would have called and told me.

SO YOU MUST INFORM THE FAITHFUL SPOUSE. No doubt about it, no logical reason not to.

k

Get proof of their affair and expose with that.

Infidels can lie to convince the other BS that you are a suspicious nut case.

Get proof. Call OP's Faithful spouse. Tell them what you have and get a secure address and post or fax the proof.

She absolutely MUST know to help kill the affair AND to give THAT innocent, trusting, betrayed person the same chance to determine their own destiny in view of the facts that fate gave you.

I’m afraid that if tell the faithful spouse it would expose my spouse and our entire family would find out?

and what makes that so frightening?

and............

Probably not b/c they know that you might then expose to their whole family. Be brave. Do it.

Let me expose my own one-time fears about exposure for a moment.

I found out about FWW’s A the first time in 1998.

I had not read SAA nor found MB (was there even an MB then?) It became a very bad time for both of us.

FWW at the time threatened me with immediate D if I talked to OM or exposed to anyone. She swore she would never forgive me if I dragged anyone else, especially his W and family into “our problems.” She said it would hurt both their careers. She used every line in the WS handbook.

She swore the A was over, she promised NC, she went to IC and MC, even went through RCIA and converted. She cried genuine looking tears over hurting me so much.

DS was only 5 at the time and my primary consideration was his welfare.

So I did not expose.

Five years later we had D-Day 2. All of her threats and maneuvers were to keep her A alive. She just learned how to go farther underground.

She even lied to OM, not telling him I knew since he had said it would end if anyone found out.

So I confronted OM and a few weeks later his W found out. So I also talked to her this time. OM’s W thanked me. She had agonized for the same 10 years I had over what was wrong with her M. She is still coordinating NC verification with me.

Exposure is a good thing. No doubt about it. I would not be here now if I had exposed back then.

HLR,

Dude, come on...

""I’m afraid that if tell the faithful spouse it would expose my spouse and our entire family would find out?""

So is this telling me that you would rather your W keep on doing the OM rather than exposing your S and, gosh, her entire family would find out? (still not sure if the A is still going on..can you help me out on this?)

IF THE A IS STILL GOING ON..THEN #1 PRIORITY IS TO STOP THE CONTACT....BY EXPOSING!!

Please advise what you do not understand in the above sentence.

Sorry, it is late and I am cranky.

Goodnight,

k

EDITED TO READ: Sorry, but I can't let this go. I spilled my guts to you, Aphelion spilled also..why do you ask for advise, then throw your lame excuses back at us??

OK, very cranky..byby.

She told me that she hasn’t had physical contact with him in three months and knows she can never see him again but he works for a company that has contact with hers, so she said even though she may not initiate it, they may talk. I told her the only way I would accept it if it was truly inadvertent contact and she immediately told me. She has told me she is committed to our marriage and is very sorry.

I actually asked her to read all of Dr. Harley’s articles on how to survive infidelity and marriage building. She cried and told me she didn’t want to finish because it was hurting her to bad…but finished them all any way. She was mad at me for asking her to read them but I told her it was all part of the healing process, I believe we have made such progress in 3 weeks that I should give her a break and not talk about it for a week. I would like her to start feeling good about herself and me.

You can't control accidental or unintentional contact. You can assist the possibility of those opportunities from ever coming up again by exposing the A. Yes, in most real-life situations there is a possibility that it may jeopardize a career, but your marriage is more important than any career, my dear. Is it not?
If the OM's wife knew about the A, she would no doubt be doing her darndest to put some MAJOR pressure on her H to stay away from your wife. If she's got her head on straight and wants to save their M, you'll have an instant ally. Exposure MAY mean having other people (ie, your family) find out, but the priority is your marriage, not your reputation or your wife's reputation--those are shot right now. Get this out in the open as soon as you possibly can. KILL the A; it probably won't survive the light of day. And while she may not welcome the news, OM's wife will be glad you told her. Ignorance is NOT bliss, believe me. I was the "in the dark" spouse for almost six months, it sucks royally.

Telling the other FS is going to be a little tricky, they live half way around the country.

If you know last name, city, and state, you can get their address off of a Yahoo people search. You might even be able to get her email address.

Plan A is there to "bait" the WS to end the A; you said your W's A is over, so really you're not-so-firmly planted in recovery now unless I'm completely misunderstanding things. Timing? Well there isn't really ever a *good* time to expose, but it will make things worse, expect that. Your W may not have "hit rock bottom" where she can see past the fog yet, so once things are exposed she may well lash out at you. Be strong and stick to your guns. You have to do what's best for your marriage, not necessarily what "feels good" at the moment.

You have an open wound right now,and it's going to take some more pain and bleeding to get all the dirt out so you can start healing. Bite the bullet and dig in your heels, it's going to get uglier before it gets any better.

If plan A is there to end the affair and it truly has ended, wouldn’t I be in a more powerful position of exposure if it resumed?

Besides he moved to another city halfway around the country last fall. Ironically that’s when the affair was going full force. My WS said they haven’t had physical contact in over three months.

So I’m not sure I want to do anything that would fire it up.

HLRomantic, the best thing you can do for yourself and your marriage is tell the OMW. It not only helps ensure that contact doesn't resume at a future date, but you would be doing the right thing. If she doesn't know then the affair can easily resume at a future date.

See, the OMW needs to know that her H has been having an affair so she can protect herself and her children from your wife and her husband. If you knew your neighbor's bookkeeper was embezzling money frm him, would you hesitate for a moment to warn him? It is the exact same principle. Please do the right thing for your marriage and hers, warn the woman.